Is this cake eating 7

[NLW]

Just a thought,
Should I ask him to speak to the children and explain what he is doing?

Or does this just solidify his position in relation to them and make it even more difficult for him ever to change his mind?

All he has said to them so far is a 2-minute statement that "Your mother and I can't get on well together and we need to work some things out".
This was about 8 months ago.

[NLW]

Went online and found out that divorce applications are done online here and that all that's required is the fee. One month later the rubber stamp is applied in a 'hearing'.

This part of the process really gutted me.

H applied at the very first opportunity (365 days of separation) and now we will be divorced in one month's time because he has lodged the electronic application.

We then have 12 months to finalise an agreement about property/child custody.

In one sense my head is spinning. How can a supposedly life-long relationship be dissolved like this - almost as if one party doesn't even have to be involved. And so fast?

And in another sense, I almost feel calm - as if a huge weight of anxious expectation has been lifted. It's really happening now; no denial possible any more.

I still have a few 'why' questions spinning in my head; so i'm gonna ask them here rather than to H:

Why does he have to get a divorce so fast? What's the rush? What difference does it make?

Why put the kids through a D right now - especially D16 at this crucial stage of her schooling?

How on earth are we going to pay for it?

Why does he have to take the coward's way out of going on a holiday outside of the country until the D is finalised?

What sort of person does this?

OK; got those out of my system now.

Good lord but I feel low.

[bustorama]

((((( NLW )))))

I suggest you NOT suggest to H anything re: the kids. All of that is his responsibility.

I get that you are terribly worried about them and feel very hurt and betrayed by what he is doing to you and your family. Don't act your emotions on to him, though. Those are your emotions and feelings -- your responsibility.

This is where your self-care is most important, where your new found ability to thought stop and to challenge your thoughts can help you most. To find ways to act other than transferring your emotions, through actions, onto someone else.

Some food for thought (stopping):

1) You can talk to the kids yourself by saying what is happening and that you will (continue to) be there for them come hell or highwater.

2) Really, you all ALREADY have been doing this for almost a year now. The kids have managed with only that 2-minute blurb from WAS. They have been pretty resilient. In many practical ways, you already have been divorced for almost a year. And, yet, you have held things together.

But, above all

((((( NLW )))))

[NLW]

Busto, Thank you for your insightful words. You really have given me food for thought.

When I saw your name on the list, I thought 'oh, oh, here he comes with a big "I told you so!"'. And I believed it was deserved.

But then I read through your post and found so much compassion and care.

I will be guided by what you suggest.

I will aim for finding "ways to act other than transferring [my] emotions, through actions, onto someone else".

I'm seeing H today to talk about how we will pay kids' school fees and the issue of his filing of the D will come up.

I'm trying hard to work out how to handle it. Your suggestion is truly helpful.

And so are your hugs, believe me!

[bustingout]

((((NLW))))

I just read through your thread. I am with you. Thinking of you and am so so sorry this is the stage of your sitch right now.

I wish I could answer your questions to make it make even a little bit of sense but I cannot. But I do know you are an amazingly compassionate, beautiful woman, and mom and friend.

And I know whatever you decide to do, you will prevail.

Love you.

[2chiquitos]

big hugs NLW! Big hugs! I hate when our thoughts get clouded with all those questions and we start to answer them and it just brings us down more.

Have you made a daily gratitude calendar? Every morning I thank God I get to wake up with my two little ones. I thank God they know I will NEVER and have EVER abandoned them! I thank God I don't need someone else to tell me about all the precious moments I am missing out on.

You have many many things to be thankful for! Stop with the self-pity! I say this in the most caring way because I say it to myself.

[NLW]

Busting, Vero,
Thank you for being here for me. It's so good to know you understand.

I'm onto that gratitude list. So much to be thankful for.

Best, NLW

[NLW]

Journalling,

My H shows a standard pattern around stressful life events: Major spew directed at me each and every time.

He is to leave on a hastily organised trip to Turkey and UK tomorrow.

Last week when he was being nice and taking me to lunch etc, i asked him if I could have our good car while he was away for 3 weeks (the old one that he left me is not reliable and I didn't want to end-up stranded as i will be the only source of transport for our kids while he is away). He immediately said "Yes, of course".

Last night I asked him how he wanted to arrange the car drop-off. He got a funny look on his face and shook his head. Said "No, that's not gonna happen".

Said I'd caused him to have a major cash-flow problem because he'd had to pay his lawyer a lot of money to file for a property settlement hearing.
And that he had a bill for recent repairs to the car.

He became hysterical and said I was wasting his money by not agreeing to his settlement proposal ( he has listed a few assets on paper and proposed a 50% split - told me to make a counter-proposal and we wouldn't have to involve lawyers).

He went into full-on venting about how I always refused to do what he suggested and how nothing had changed. How I always thought that all his ideas were bad.

He kept hanging up on me on the phone, but when i would ring back 2 secs later, he would always re-answer. Ordinarily I wouldn't have called back, but we needed to get some things sorted before he leaves tomorrow.

He apologised for "everything I've done to you over the years", as he always does at some stage of these big arguments. Said he was just a terrible person.

Next breath he is back into demonising me for making him spend 1,000s of $$ on a D.

He was really wacky - worse than I've ever seen him.

Sounds like he is really in a bad way financially - I suppose spending $$$$ on an overseas trip at the same time as having a lawyer's bill, facing his credit-card overdrafts (they ring here everyday trying to speak to him), and receiving yet another massive school fee bill that's due while he's away, has really made things tough for him.

He's just had 2 more long-term staff resign over some dispute as well, so I guess everything is going to shite all at once.

Also, somewhat strangely, by going OS at this time, he is missing the finals series of his beloved football team. He has said all year that he took up playing purely for the chance to play in the finals with his mates. And yet, now he's going away just when the finals are due to be played.

Mad as a hatter, as the saying goes.

Happy days for him and OW on their dream trip OS.

Unfortunately, this pattern of behaviour, although expected, still managed to upset me terribly. I ended up crying and feeling physically ill. Pretty close to telling him that I am done. He is so angry, so irrational, so punitive, that there seems little point trying to continue.

[scaredsilly]

It's hard to understand how the WAS did not foresee that a D would add an expense to their budget? How can all this be a surprise or YOUR fault??

Were you just supposed to NOT protect yourself because you still LOVE them? Even while they are having an affair? Ludicrous!

[zig]

(((((((NLW))))))))

I really feel for you. and i know that feeling after a spewing conversation - i am practically breathless myself. it takes so much effort to stay calm.

but you are doing great - amazing - and i really admire you for how well you are holding up.

don't forget to take care of yourself and "selfishly" do something nice for yourself, everyday.

big hugs

zig