If you talked to your wife now would she acknowledge the things she said or still feel justified that she made the decisions that she did?
She says that she has learned to be more content in her life, and thankful for what she has, and that to the degree that she was DIS-content, that she dealt with it in a wholly inappropriate way that hurt her family and her reputation.
My XW had a crisis and is still in it. My 18 year old son who was EXTEMLY close to his mother said to me on Tuesday..."Dad I wish I could have my old mom back. It so weird dad, it's like someone took the old mom and replaced her with someone else. She is a liar, selfish and self centered person".
I would have to concure with my son. My XW was a doll, a sweetheart what she became is some one not even reconginable.
As for an afraid, I do believe that confrontation IS the right approach to take WHEN and IF the LBS has made changes and is in the right place. My rational is that the LBS should leave/let go, when they can to themselves (not based on what I or any other poster says) say that they gave it their all, they did everything they could.
Just my 2 cetns.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I can totally believe how you felt with wanting to leave. I have seen that in my H(though not recently).
I remember after a bad episode back in May, he tearfully apologized to me for not being a better father. Anything I tried to say to make him feel better was met with "I don't want to hear it."
I realize now that was probably because there was nothing I could have said that would make him feel better.
He is now rebuilding his R with our children, and I am very glad for him and them. I keep hoping he will maybe work on his best friend next. This is an old friend, someone he's known for a long time, and now they don't speak. The friend has repeatedly invited him out or to various things, and my H refuses to go. He claims his friend "acts weird" with him.
I can only imagine what his friend thinks...
I am glad you made it out, and that you have peace and happiness in your life now. Thank you for your insight.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I don't have a whole lot to add to this topic. I have done a bit of reading on the MLC thing, but not much. I dealt with my W's leaving me as a straight WAS.
BUT, like Starsky, I'm not entirely sure that what happened with my W was not, at least partially, an MLC.
I also believe that prior to my W leaving me, that I was in the middle of an MLC myself. I believe that it began about 2 years prior to her leaving when one of my best friends contracted a horrible and very aggressive form of cancer. This is something that I've never discussed here, but I have had plenty of time to think about why I behaved the way that I did in the months, years, prior to my S with my W. I can trace it to my friend's illness. I think that that situation caused me to begin to question my life choices, my choice to pick a high stress career, my priorities in life, etc. I began to feel trapped. But none of it really had to do with my W. But I ended up taking it out on her and my family.
The S from my W has helped me clarify many of these issues in my mind. And even though I'm still in the process of changing some of those things, I feel that I've separated out what the issues truly are.
So yes, I believe in the MLC phenomenon.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Again, some really great feedback here. Still just grabbing a quick view over lunch.
Something Mirage said above in an early post, I found relevant. The part about "faking" an MLC.
I would submit that IF the WAS is labelling themselves MLC. It may just as easily be an excuse as it may be a realization that they may be in a crises transition.
OTOH, for what I've read here and on other forums and books, someone who is in MLC... don't recognize it as such.
I have read maybe one or two threads over the past year and half here, where the WAS actually made that suggestion themselves. All other times, it is an observation made by LBS due to very... odd... behaviours by the WAS.
Again, some really great feedback here. Still just grabbing a quick view over lunch.
Something Mirage said above in an early post, I found relevant. The part about "faking" an MLC.
I would submit that IF the WAS is labelling themselves MLC. It may just as easily be an excuse as it may be a realization that they may be in a crises transition.
OTOH, for what I've read here and on other forums and books, someone who is in MLC... don't recognize it as such.
I have read maybe one or two threads over the past year and half here, where the WAS actually made that suggestion themselves. All other times, it is an observation made by LBS due to very... odd... behaviours by the WAS.
I too have heard it said that if someone self-proclaims themselves to be in MLC, then they probably are NOT in MLC.
Even with the professionals it is about 50-50. Roughly half don't believe in it, and roughly half do.
If you don't believe in it, nothing anyone can say will sway you toward believing in it, other than be all polite about it. : )
If you do believe in it, nothing anyone says is going to sway you the other way, other than get you all mad about it. : )
I do belive in it, and I sincerely hope you never have to if you don't.
I believe that MLC 'diagnosis' can be a last desperate hope one that many LBS get mired in. I think it is over used as a last ditch effort...but...that doesn't mean all of them are. The deffinition is also way broken. It doesn't happen at mid-life...which is...when exactly? 30-40-50-60? And it seldoms involves a red sports car.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Again, some really great feedback here. Still just grabbing a quick view over lunch.
Something Mirage said above in an early post, I found relevant. The part about "faking" an MLC.
I would submit that IF the WAS is labelling themselves MLC. It may just as easily be an excuse as it may be a realization that they may be in a crises transition.
OTOH, for what I've read here and on other forums and books, someone who is in MLC... don't recognize it as such.
I have read maybe one or two threads over the past year and half here, where the WAS actually made that suggestion themselves. All other times, it is an observation made by LBS due to very... odd... behaviours by the WAS.
I too have heard it said that if someone self-proclaims themselves to be in MLC, then they probably are NOT in MLC.
What if it's not a MLC, but this person decided that they have been too cautious all of their life and want to live with more adventure and less restrictions. I didn't say it has to encompass cheating.
It is interesting your kids take on things as well.
My son had lunch with his Mom a ways a back and she was telling him why she was justified in the choices she made. He sees her about once every couple weeks now. But he described her as a "plastic flower". She looks pretty but there is no substance to her at all. He did say he wished his old mom was back.
She has reentered my daughters life to some degree(she is 14 now. But my daughter will say how grouchy mom is all the time.
As of now I just listen. Occassionally make them laugh and try to be the rock for all of them. Most days I am good at it because its real for me but there is the occasional day it gets old doing that.
But hey that life. I live one moment at a time now and it really is a good way to live.
