What else? Have you worked on yourself physically? Did she have any complaints about that?
Never said anything about it but I had put on a lot of weight over the years. Have lost about 60lbs since bomb drop by going to the gym and eating/drinking a lot less. Want to lose some more but have stalled a bit since returning from Canada. One of the side effects of all the socialising!
Am in a very wierd place right now. Am really fed up with feeling like this. At work I can concentrate on other stuff. After work I seem to be assaulted by memories. Yesterday, for example was a beautiful evening here. I couldn't think of anything I would rather do than go and have a drink with my W. I went to go to cricket practice instead but it was cancelled. Rang best mate, no answer. Next thing I know, despite everything, bomb dropping, her new place, her taking out her things next week I end up texting her for a drink. It just seemed like such a natural thing to do. Then I beat myself up about it. Afterwards, I just drove over to best mate's house and we went out and sat in a beer garden and had a couple of pints. He was pretty blunt with me about moving on and how the way she's treated me since bomb drop is being unfair. All true but it still doesn't seem to penetrate when I get into that 'mode'. Right now I couldn't care less about what she's doing, what she's thinking etc but last night I was swamped which worries me. I've reacted like this to previous break ups and this one is worse because of the limbo element.
I know and that's why I beat myself up. It's just stupid and that's why I lost it a but last night. The definition of madness is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Despite this and all the good advice from all you guys I still do it! As you said it's time to stop doing what isn't working.
It sounds like when you get yourself into that thought process you really, really need to find something you can do for yourself that will help you get over it before you start contacting her again.
It takes major self control. I have had several backslides in my situation because I let myself lose control. But the times that I haven't "lost it" or given in to my weaknesses have been the times that I have grown the most. What has always helped for me is to remove myself from the situation. Take a walk. Go work out. What it is that triggers you, get away from it until you can feel better again. But make it a point that no matter what, you are not going to contact your W.
Another thing that has helped me is wanting to have the ability to come back here and report "good things." Does this make sense? Think of us waiting here for you and cheering you along and how much you don't want to disappoint us. Anything that will force your mind to rise above. Every little bit helps. It is a tough road. But the ability to overcome your emotions is so much more powerful than falling into it every time.
The growth you experience out weighs the "need" to feel wanted my your W eventually. I can promise you this.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Having great time at the festival. First yoga lesson ever this morning, live bands, dancing till 2 in the morning, camping with people I don't really know. All tinged with sadness as wish I had done more of this with W. Really torn right now. It's it time to move on? Not sure yet on my behalf but tough not to be pessimistic
Am really tired after the festival. It was a bit tough seeing loads of couples hugging and kissing all around and thinking how much fun they were having. Then I remembered that I am actually married and part of a couple. I just very much don't feel like that at the moment. Right now I'm supposed to sit by patiently whilst she sorts out what she wants from the house so mummy and daddy can come and help her move it out at the weekend. I think I'll struggle to be civil to them as their lack of umbilical cord cutting has definitely contributed to this sitch. Very much struggling to see how things can progress without any communication and actually starting to think I can't be bothered with her any more.
So, W sent birthday card which made me smile, I thought I wasn't going to get one from her. "Happy Birthday, hope you have a good day. Will speak to you later". Not sure what I feel about it. How to respond? Encouraged? Apathy? V confused.
Currently reading a great book called The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman.
It discusses how the cult of optimism proposed by motivational speakers and the like is actually self defeating and that the only way to find happiness is by embracing failure, pessimism, insecurity and uncertainty then facing and accepting them as uncontrollables. After having done that only then is it possible to move forward. There's all sorts of evidence based studies, philosophy, religion in it. It's fits very nicely with the "You're already dead" speech from band of brothers and the Stockdale Paradox. I'm finding it fascinating so far although it does make my brain hurt a bit! I'm only about a 1/4 through but I recommend it so far.
Just when I think I'm doing better I start catastrophising again. What if she's started dating? How will I cope with that? The fact that she hasn't is one of the things that I've clung onto. I know I shouldn't let it even enter my thoughts but trying not to think about it makes it worse and starts me on the needy cycle again.
Just when I think I'm doing better I start catastrophising again. What if she's started dating? How will I cope with that? The fact that she hasn't is one of the things that I've clung onto. I know I shouldn't let it even enter my thoughts but trying not to think about it makes it worse and starts me on the needy cycle again.
Wow mab1 this sounds an awful lot like me. I heard through the grapevine yesterday that my W was going to file in a little over a month and i've already worked up so many scenarios in my head. Its something im definitely talking about to my IC next week when we get together. I always seem to go to the worst case scenario when presented with something like this.
For instance in my case just hearing she's gonna file in a month means "its over" in my head....but it really means nothing...I can look around here and find dozens and dozens of those who have had papers filed and still worked it out. And thats assuming that a month from now she even still wants to file b/c a month ago she didnt want to, so if she's changed her mind to this point whats to say she can't change it again.
I get where you are and sympathize and I say this as much for me as I do for you....all that is in your head. I haven't figured out how to stop those thoughts yet either....i've read dozens of books and articles and visualizing a stop sign does me absolutely no good.
Anyone here know any other methods to get your thoughts changed?
