So, I have the same problem with the stop sign! It just doesn't work. One of the greatest psychiatrist ever, Albert Ellis, coined the term musturbation (quite difficult to google as you can imagine!) It's pretty deep though...
Definition (http://www.sonoma.edu/users/d/daniels/cognitive-behavioral.html): Musturbation, a catchy term coined by cognitive therapist Albert Ellis, refers to conditions that we set in our minds in order to feel OK or good or satisfied about a matter or about yourself. If the conditions aren't met, you make yourself unhappy. For instance, you might believe "that you must have a high degree of order or certainty to feel comfortable" or that "you must have sincere love and approval almost all the time from all the people you find significant." You set conditions that must be met in order for you to allow yourself to feel good or satisfied or content ie I must not think about W, put up the stop sign, and may drive yourself into a frenzy of dissatisfaction, depression, or despair if they're not met.
THE INTERVENTION PROCESS involves an almost Socratic form of disputation of the irrational beliefs. The therapist reasons with the client to the point at which the latter discovers that his or her beliefs are untenable and irrational. Then the therapist helps the person substitute a rational belief that will help the person feel better and act more effectively in place of the old irrational one. So after failing a course, a student's initial cognition may be, "I'm just plain stupid; I'll never succeed at anything." After therapy, the new cognition may be, "I goofed off instead of studying. I can retake the course and it's not the end of the world.
So, I guess the rational thought is OK, she'll file in a month. Will the world stop turning? Will I die on the spot? Both unlikely and so rather than focussing on the irrational, I guess the approach has to be OK, if she files the worst that could happen is I have to live life without her so how can I improve things for myself. Ellis's idea is that instead of blocking things (which doesn't work) to take them further to minimise them. She files, I get divorced and I'll be single, worse I'll be single forever and she'll get into another relationship despite this you're still breathing, you can still experience the world and all it has to offer and there is just a change in your experience. Plus like you say there are plenty of examples where it doesn't change anything and the M is rebuilt anyway.
Whew!
Update on my sitch: Just spoke to mutual friend who had dinner with W on Friday. There was obviously a lot she couldn't tell me as she was quite guarded but basically told me that W needs more time to process why she made her choice. She is not keen to restart because she thinks it's the 'wrong' choice. She also can't process the fact that I may be different now to how I have been over the last few years. She doesn't want to go back to how it was and is concerned that our lack of communication will make it happen again. She also considers herself divorced even if the paperwork isn't there. Problem is if I try and open communication it backfires. If I continue to stand then I open myself up to more pain if she can't R. Friend advised me to consider D or just dating if that was what it took to move on. I'm not sure. I pointed out the legal aspects of involving other people. Sounds like more time and space is required...
This is probably one of the best posts I've ever read from you. Looks like you're digging deeper. Which is exactly where you need to be. Yes, give her space and time. This is the absolute wrong time to start pursuing her.
NO EXPECTATIONS!! Even after what your mutual friend told you. Continue on like you are getting D'd and your live your life how you would if that were happening. Continue to dig into yourself and find value in happiness all on your own without NEEDING another person to fulfill it. You're getting there.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
So, I have the same problem with the stop sign! It just doesn't work.
So, I guess the rational thought is OK, she'll file in a month. Will the world stop turning? Will I die on the spot? Both unlikely and so rather than focussing on the irrational, I guess the approach has to be OK, if she files the worst that could happen is I have to live life without her so how can I improve things for myself. Ellis's idea is that instead of blocking things (which doesn't work) to take them further to minimise them. She files, I get divorced and I'll be single, worse I'll be single forever and she'll get into another relationship despite this you're still breathing, you can still experience the world and all it has to offer and there is just a change in your experience. Plus like you say there are plenty of examples where it doesn't change anything and the M is rebuilt anyway.
Whew!
mab1 thanks so much for that. Isn't it so amazing when someone gives you a different perspective of what you're thinking that it seems almost absurd. Your right...the world will not stop.... and im scared to death that she'll get into a relationship and move on while I sit behind crying....but that not reality either...she maybe move one, but i'll move forward as well.
So wife sent birthday card and rang earlier. I called back and we had a great conversation. Laughing and joking. She kept talking about taking stuff out but still hasn't decided what she wants yet. All really nice apart from that. No pursuing on my behalf so she's friendly. Wants me to take day off on Friday so I'm here when she takes stuff out but will change it to suit me. Can't really get my head around how this is panning out. Cake eating?
Hold off on the dating. It's tempting, but unless you're really ready to jump on in you're just messing with yourself AND with someone else. That's not cool.
Second, don't be there when she moves her stuff out... well, that's my $0.02. I wasn't there when W moved her stuff out of our place because I knew it would tear my heart out. I took our S to a waterpark for the weekend. To this day I don't regret it. My S has only good memories of that weekend. When we got back that Sunday she still hadn't quite finished moving stuff and just seeing that little bit was pretty painful. Save yourself that.
You're on the right track with the thought exercises. You will survive. Life will go on. So you're single... big deal. Do what you want, spend your money as you wish.
This past weekend I took my S and my SS and SD on a vacation. It cost no small amount of money. SS wondered how I could afford it since we could never afford such things when were married. He's a smart kid... he figured it out. So there are upsides.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Things are afoot! Wife rang again today to check whether I would be here on friday for the move. I told her I was and then we got talking about work and normal day to day stuff. All very friendly. I had put dinner in as a convenient end to the call and as I was taking it out of the oven she said she was feeling more secure in her new place and would like to invite me over to discuss the situation if I still wanted to. Previously she wouldn't even tell me where it was. I was quite noncomital and just said right, ok and said my goodbyes.
No sooner had I put the phone down then her dad rings me (first contact from her parents since bomb drop night apart from a birthday card which arrived today) and is trying to smooth things over before helping her take stuff out on friday. Gave me a bit more insight into what W has been like. Very down and scared and not at all like the bravado she's been showing me.
Don't know why but am really tired today. I guess I had sort of started being a bit too hopeful. The reality is she's taking stuff tomorrow. It's not the end of the world sure but I have run out of steam a bit. Not being able to exercise because of this cough isn't helping either. Haven't managed to find anything to do at the weekend yet either which is frustrating me too. I hate it when I get like this. Maybe I'll try and arrange to see some friends in France.
They've been and loaded and gone. MIL said I have to resign myself to it being over. I said I'm married until the divorce papers are signed. She responded with well maybe after some time apart you can work things out. Then burst into tears. W followed Daddy around like a little girl whilst he sorted everything out for her. MIL cleaned house. As soon as they her parents were out of the way W was chatting away to me. We seem to be canceling each other other out right now. I'm positive, she's negative and as we all know it's easier to destroy than create. It's like a bottle of fizzy pop that's been open on the side. I say let's drink it it could be good, she says I don't want to, let's leave out to go flat and then pour it down the sink. Not sure what to do right now. When she left I said let's see what happens in the next couple of months. I'm not planning on dating and she said neither is she. She said sorry, hugged me and started crying. Wouldn't kiss me except on the cheek. Commented on my weight loss then asked me not to be pushy in the next 2 months whatever that means
