Stated a new thread and new title so I can be 2x4d. I now feel guilty about being angry! She hasn't been nasty, just selfish and I don't blame her for it. If she wasn't happy then she's done the right thing. It [censored] for me but you have to make yourself happy. I'm just so frustrated by it all. How can I trust anyone again?
Now I don't believe in horoscopes but here's what mine said today'"The recent leo new moon cast several frustrating situations in a new perspective. Obviously you'd like time to reflect on these. You won't get it. On the contrary by midweek decisions become pressing. In these you'll be combining these insights with various ideas you've been considering to make far rescuing changes. Done involve the lifestyle, other activities out in the world - and all said long overdue." It's just made me think what if W requests D this week? What would I do about it? What do I want to do with my life? Right now I just don't know. I have been thinking about my career, moving abroad (Canada most likely) but I seem to back for some reason. My marriage is over in all but the paperwork and yet I still have yet to address the future. I can accept the uncertainty but I struggle with imaginary constraints that I place on myself. There's an entire planet out there and I'm not getting younger. So why is it that all I feel like doing is reading the newspaper, smoking cigarettes and watching cricket on tv? I'm supposed to be working on focussing on myself in IC but can't make it this week because I'm going on a singles sailing holiday on Friday. I've spoken to how about my concerns about being in denial and he doesn't think I am but it sure feels like it.
Been doing a lot of thinking today. I've been contemplating the future and things I want to do jobwise, housewise and even countrywise. I think that I finally have reached a state where I can accept all this. Now that doesn't mean I'm filing. I'm still standing. It does mean that I have no particular need to focus on fixing OR anymore. It will need to be a new R if anything. The problem I'm having now is I still need to interact with her and I'm not sure how. She still has a lot of stuff here and will come and collect it. If I'm doing LRT how should I track to her. She doesn't seem to want to talk to me, also should I mirror that or should I keep with the light banter?
Trying to decide whether to do phone coaching or just walk away. W seems determined to move on, her new job starts properly today. Her house is mostly sorted. I seem to have stopped working on myself like labug said. All advice from all angles seems to be to move on. Had a very symbolic dream last night. I was in my new car and the steering went funny. I slowed down and the car righted itself. I went round another corner the steering failed completely and I crashed. The car was a complete wreck but I was unscathed. Suddenly I'm surrounded by people offering to make sure the car is safe whilst I carry on with the day. I said don't worry I'll sort it later and walked off hoping it would be alright. Thinking about it reminded me of my M, a car wreck. I then thought maybe there's another option I stay with the car, ring for help and get it repaired. Hence the phone counselling idea...
Hi, could you guys give me some advice on how to handle this?
Yesterday was a bad day.
It shouldn't have been but things got on top of me. A good friend from Uni came over to demo the product his company makes. He was in the year ahead of me and didn't go the academic route like me. Instead, I helped him get a job at the company I was placed with during my year out and he stayed, got promoted to team leader, moved to germany, then came back and started a successful business.
I started comparing that to me and where I am now and didn't like what I saw. I don't push myself, live life day to day, wife left, job prospects mediocre and am waiting for the D bomb.
So, I decided to go sailing to get away from it. My best mate had been saying he would definitely come too so I rang him, no answer. I went on my own, got there and it was really busy, I was a bit late and then just turned round and went home. I couldn't do it. I felt terrible. I let myself down.
Had a bit of a pep talk with my mum which made things a bit clearer. I have to start relying on myself. My wife and best friend aren't there to support me and prop me up all the time. If I want to do something I have to do it myself.
Then I started thinking on my sitch, and how I've been approaching it. Did more reading about WAW/MLC syndromes and felt a bit hopeless. Then I switched my thinking around and tried to empathise with my W. How bad must she have felt to walk out? How many times did she feel let down by me? Frustrated by me? Why did I do the things I did? Why did I get angry for no reason if she came home a little later than she said she would?
The reason comes down to my lack of trust in her. She never gave me any reason not to 100% trust her, but I kept testing it. Trying to control her more and more due to my problems and eventually, understandably, she snapped.
I then realised that I really needed to apologise for that. I've been seeing myself as a victim and not a participant. So I rang and left a message on her phone.
I checked whether she needed any help or more things from the house and then apologised for how my actions over the years had meant that she felt trapped and ultimately forced into taking the decisions she has. I said it must have been horrible for her to go through and said I'm really sorry.
Then I put the phone down and cried a lot!
This morning I received this TM,
"Thanks for msg, was in bed. I need a few things from house but only bits of mine. Busy few days tho so won't get over this week, maybe next. Will let u know. Thanks for apology, it's not all you tho and it wasn't all horrible, just increasingly not right. We can talk more soon, maybe next week."
What should I do? If I make any attempt to suggest how we can improve things she'll retreat. She thinks we're done. If I listen and validate we'll stay in limbo because she doesn't seem to believe that our marriage can be saved and has given up hope. What solution orientated approaches can I take?
What should I do? If I make any attempt to suggest how we can improve things she'll retreat. She thinks we're done. If I listen and validate we'll stay in limbo because she doesn't seem to believe that our marriage can be saved and has given up hope. What solution orientated approaches can I take?
Stop thinking that you can FIX this, or that you can DO something that is going to magically change everything.
It does not work that way.
You planted a seed.
It was acknowledged.
Now let the seed grow, stop trying to force it to grow faster. It will take care and nurturing later, right now it needs TIME.
Agreed, don't think about any next steps just "be" for now and take what comes. W said she'll discuss it with you more next week -- please know that she may not and that needs to be okay. Don't torture yourself with anticipation. You said your piece and she heard you. For her to open that conversation is going to be painful for her and a WAW will generally avoid any painful situations.
She needs to see and believe that a future with you would be different than your shared past. If she went looking for those differences in you what would she find? Can you itemize that list?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm ok if we don't talk about it. It certainly won't be an enjoyable conversation and I don't want to go round in the same cycle of me being positive/her being negative and then she leaves with the situation the same as at the start of the discussion. I'd also like to have it, if it happens, somewhere other than our house!
How am I different now? Much more positive about trying things. More spontaneous. A lot more sociable. A better listener. Much more willing to let people sort themselves rather than trying to fix things for them. A lot thinner! Drinking less. The downside is I'm probably a bit less self assured than I was. I think that was one of the reasons I started smoking again. It provides me an excuse to leave anytime and also due to the stench probably makes people less willing to get close to me. I started on nicotine patches today. So far, so good...
