Need HOPE part III

[PERSEVERANCE]

This is tough part. We've spent some very nice time together, as a family- Dinners, amusement park, sister's cookout last night. I need to step back and let her approach me, right. I want to text or call her, but that is probably smothering. ... So for now, as tough as it is, I won't call or text her while she is away... In the past, I would find a legitimate reason to contact her, then the conversation turns and my jealousy becomes obvious... No more, I won't let that happen.
She opened the little package that the Boys n I put together for her trip and she seemed happy.
Any tips or advice is always welcome

Thanks

Michael

[25yearsmlc]

when a jealous thought enters your head you must literally envision a STOP SIGN and direct your thoughts elsewhere.

have a plan, either a comedy show or something funny you recall or even a movie or go work out

but do NOT keep going down that spiral of negativity and jealousy. It hurts your cause and feels like crap.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks 25
I actually have a photo of a stop sign as my screen saver on my iPhone - it is a reminder to pause & do the opposite of what my heart and brain tell me... A reminder to STOP anything that resembles jealousy, pursuing or smothering. So.... I'll let her reach out to me.
Part of my GAL is training for a marathon in October... The despair, loneliness and jealousy is usually worse in the evening after the kids go to bed-- so I changed up my workout times a bit, and moved my long runs to the late evening...so I am a bit busier in the late evening now and it as Orroccupied with my X.
Do you truly think this sitch is hopeful?

[PERSEVERANCE]

Whoops typo on my phone... Meant to say that it has occupied me & kept my mind off of my ex a bit :-)

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Per

I cannot promise you she'll return and I cannot tell you for sure what would work. There are some things I can say are NOT likely to work, things that will mostly push her away...

want to know what NOT to do? Here are things NOT To do to get a WAS back.

Keep obsessing about her.

Constantly examine statements for meaning other than their face value. Wonder what she is feeling/planning/doing/thinking, 24/7.

Assume the worst whenever she's not in your sight OR is talking to anyone on the phone. Spend time and energy on those scenarios to maximize your suffering and negative attitude AND

to keep yourself so preoccupied with your pain and fears that you cannot be present for your children, who need you now like never before.

Ask and wonder why she does not see changes in you.

Take the temperature of the relationship on a daily basis...

Keep writing posts that contain questions, as if you cannot make a simple declarative statement (example follows)

I can't understand her?"

Just STATE something. Don't question all your comments.

So You don't understand her. Okay. That's not a question. It's a statement. As for her saying she thinks you can date b/c she does not want you to be lonely, tell her you are NOT lonely and leave it at that. Don't ever believe her feeling pity for you is going to get her home. (Pity is much closer to contempt than love.)

But your over use of the ?s means, to me, that you are second guessing your every move and word and that's weak looking.

There is NO magic combination of words, no special order of words, that will "AWAKEN HER",

as you have heard here so often, let her go.

Yes, I said let her go, which is not the same as giving up. But let her go.

She's fleeing so you may as well NOT be seen as an obstacle b/c to her, that means you are an obstacle to her happiness, which she presently believes lies only in being free of responsibility. Let her have ALL the freedom she craves. The divorce is happening soon. So let it. In her mind, it's her sad but necessary "mission" and until she gets it done, I believe she won't be able to see clearly.

Close the door on the marriage and lock it b/c it's a dead marriage anyhow. You both sounded unhappy and though you are vague on your own role, you say you are making changes. Are they concrete and visible?

Small consistent changes, over time, are most likely to be trusted by a WAS.
If she believes that you really changed, and you are the father of her kids and a good one at that, and you have a home, it's awfully hard to believe she won't reconsider.

But she's been cooped up for sometime, alone with the boys, and she's "done" with that, for now. If you do reconcile, I suggest hiring a housekeeper or her working at least part time so she gets enough "HER" time and gets out of the house regularly. But that is down the road and will take her time to realize.

You don't have to lock the door on reconciliation, but you have to stop staring at the revolving door and hoping she walks through it. That's no way to GAL or move forward. Are you taking care of your appearance? It sounds like it but I'm asking b/c it's a visible way of showing self care and self respect. It matters.

Though I don't think an "awakening" will happen soon, ( earliest would be the holidays, but more likely spring)

I think an awakening IS possible but here is the only way I can think of it happening...

Only by her thinking she MIGHT just lose you, for real, that you could find another woman,

and that OW would in fact meet her boys, and might come into HER home and help you raise her kids...

(which is the risk she takes by leaving and divorcing,) might she awaken.

but she does not know that risk exists for her

b/c you keep reminding her she's NOT taking a risk b/c you are so available to her...so obviously waiting for her, so clearly NOT GAL and it hurts your cause.

The phrase "fake it til you make it" means something here. I found that by "faking" as if I was GAL actually got me to GAL for real.

I came to realize I'd be alright no matter what my h did, that HE was losing more than I was by a divorce (and so is your w)....and THAT belief

BECAME internal KNOWLEDGE in me and it showed in my growing confidence...

and h picked up on it.

I got rid of my fears and anger and I think
my He began wondering if he was maybe Not leaving an angry shrew who resented him
BUT instead, was leaving

a warm smart attractive fun loving woman, who'd make another man very happy someday....(YEP THAT'S ME! )

I gave him something to miss AND

I put my energy into my kids, MY future, and GAL.

You are so much luckier than most men here. You have the home and the kids.

She may feel it's her 'task" to divorce you in order to FEEL FREE....but she's still a mother and she'll see you moving on, being a great dad, looking good and (please, at least ACT mysterious)...and she will wonder what the heck she has done...

will she tell you? NOT if she thinks you'll throw it in her face...or hold it over her head forever. But I'd be slow to take her back without a lot of other things going on. In fact the first thing I'd say IF she indicates interest in coming home is

"I have to think about that b/c I'm not sure how I feel about it just now."

yes, play a little hard to get. You'd be insane not to be cautious and she needs to know that she cannot play this game much longer. ANd you need to move on for real. GAL...for real.

AND please, Involve OTHER people in your GAL, not just running solo. JOIN something or take a class THIS MONTH...seriously. You need new people in your life, who do NOT know your situation and who can help you occupy your mind with new topics that are not reminders of painful matters. It's also stimulating. I took several classes, auditioned for shows, did stand up comedy, joined a writer's group, coached a team, learned to ski, volunteered at a woman's shelter, and a lot more. I GAL Like a maniac and it helped!

So once she thinks she may be losing you AND she sees the changes you made are real and lasting AND you're a good dad, and you have a stable income and home so you provide well....

YES I sure do believe she'll second guess her choices. (Not by YOU pointing them out or arguing with her about them)

but by backing way of and letting her find her way.

But you MUST DETACH. Being so needy (which = not detaching)

is not attractive AND it keeps you stuck and it's not healthy either.

I'll attach a short post on detachment at the end of this post, but there are many around...and please read my earlier long post to you, again.

Process what we say to you. Don't skip ahead with your anxieties running the show.

And don't ever forget you are modelling for your SONS how to handle a blow to the heart. They will face the same thing someday. And they are watching you.

Show them that they are YOUR priority. Show them how a man of honor and strength moves forward despite the pain of it. Show them that although they will someday feel grief, it does pass AND it does NOT kill. You will be happy again.

I know my girls were relieved to hear me say "I will do whatever I believe will make YOU most happy", given whatever my options were.

In my sitch, My kids feared another move more than they feared (or admitted) losing their dad...

I reminded them of all the things that I would retain in their lives, no move, same school, same friends, same neighborhood, etc...and that reassured them.

I suggest you do that for your boys now. They must be starting school now.
Reassure them of what will stay the same in their lives no matter what else.

Be there for them.

But for now, forget your wife. Pretend she's in the Australian bush and you can't reach her. Besides, you really can't reach her now anyhow. She has some lessons she can only learn on her own. You cannot solve her puzzle for her. Back off....and see the below piece on detachment. Learn to care LESS about what she does or says. This is not about you so much as about HER...and you cannot fix it. Let go of what you cannot control, as it is key to your happiness.


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks 25M for your thoughtful reply. I read this everyday. It helps.
My GAL includes an outdoor society & mountain club, grad school, a weekend dog -play group.... The marathon/ running is usually a solo activity. I really enjoy the peace and solitude running at night. My work days are chaotic and long - basically I'm a single parent and have a pretty stressful career ( not as stressful as my military / reserves career)
Thanks again. I've vowed not to back slide anymore. I have many things to be thankful for .... Time to focus on the Good in my life , glass is half full.
Additionally, I still have Hope!
Take care
P

[PERSEVERANCE]

Just journaling a bit. X is out of the country until tomorrow. She sent us a couple of texts. It's been a great weekend so far. Great weather & fun times with the kids. They are growing up so quickly. What a couple of beautiful, intelligent Young men! I'm lucky to have the house and kids. This time is priceless. Their mother walked away from this, unbelievable. Their godfather visited / he is also the priest that married us 17 yrs ago - we hung out, had coffee, laughed... It was nice. It was a little awkward, I told him that the divorce is final now. Originally my X didnt want to tell everyone... She said it would be easier nit telling everyone in case we reconciled. Im done living a lie, she wanted a D, its time To deal with the reality. The reality is that i need to make chicken salad out of chicken s&@t . I'm taking this all day by day. Trying to string the good days together to make good weeks. The Stop sign screensaver on my phone has helped a bit. My Gal today included going to the gym, studying for a class that I'm in, met a group of friends with their dogs at a local park, went for a run with one son & a walk with my other son... Making banana bread with the Boys tonight... ( yes the tough Marine combat vet makes banana bread :-)

[PERSEVERANCE]

It's tough acting " as if"... But so far, another decent day. Trying to string together good days to make good weeks etc.
XW is back from Asia, she stopped by to visit, dropped off gifts for me and the Boys & stayed for dinner.
Walking a tight-rope...keeping Hope alive while trying to move forward and feign indifference.
I really enjoy the moments together as a family again.

[PERSEVERANCE]

I don't know how much longer I can hold all of this in. Friends, activities, distractions, counciling... Nothing seems to take this pain, jealousy and hurt away. I can't sleep. My work is suffering. I feel like such a fool. I let my W convince me that once the D was final - she would put the old R to rest and work on a new, better R with me.... Well, I believed it--- but I think that she is looking for a new, better R - just not with me. I have an upcoming appt to get anxiety meds, but that is three weeks away. All the meds will do is mask the reality of the situation anyway. Maybe it is better to face the battle with a clear head .
I've truly tried with all of my heart and soul. God knows why I would want such a selfish hurtful woman in my life, but I DO... And unfortunately I love her. Yes, I have the house, and kids... But I also have the responsibility.
Hanging on by a thread and my heart and mind is filled with dread and hate. I wish that I could banish all of the dark thoughts. I do a pretty good job of faking it- most people see me as a happy, funny, upbeat guy---
I try to stay positive or at least fake it-- my X seems to pull further away each day.
I'm so tired, stressed and in pain. Well- about to start a new day.

[Nukem]

Do not lose hope. Keep praying.