I'm new to this forum but have read DR and quite a few posts and decided I'd tell my story and hopefully get some insight on how well I'm DBing. In short, I found out my H has been in a PA&EA w/OW for a year. Of course I was devastated as I thought my marriage was solid. Sure we've had some challenges but we always seemed to support each other through the rough times. When I confronted H with the A evidence, we both cried. He said he was confused and not sure whether or not he loved me anymore. He said he was in love w/OW and she wanted more from him but he didn't want to hurt me. I experienced many emotions during this time and still find it difficult to cope with at times. He flip flopped back and forth regarding how he felt about me and our marriage.He once talked about separating to give him an opportunity to find out what he really wants. I heard all the things that were wrong and how I was not the same woman anymore. In his mind, the reason for the A was all my fault. Because I resumed my education, he felt lonely at times. I started a weekend business to help with the finances and he felt like I was not paying him attention. I have now ceased both but realize that the A was the distraction and cause of our finanical issues. He's self-employed so instead of working, he was spending quite a bit of time w/OW, spending money he did not have, extending our credit and created more debt for us which put more financial burden on me to help support, thus the weekend job. Fast forward>>he has ended the PA but continues the EA via texts & FB. After reviewing MWD video regarding a spouse who refuses to give up his EA, I decided to back off, stop the snooping and GAL. When I made the decision to do that, I begin to feel better about myself. I could finally look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful and that there is a life beyond the dark hole I was living in. H began to treat me better. Says he is sorry for hurting me, that he loves me and doesn't know why he did what he did but wants to work it out. He is now focused with his work and bringing money back into our home. We go to lunch during the week, for drives, dinner, movies, walks and remain intimate. All of this and yet he still continues to text and communicate w/OW via FB. I don't understand this behavior and when I try to back off, he questions me, wants to know what I'm thinking, does not want me to go out w/o him. I feel like he wants us both. What am I missing in the DBing process. Should I continue to refrain from snooping and continue to practice backing off? I actually feel good when I back off because when I'm so into him and realize he is still engaged in the EA, I'm hurt and devastated all over again.
Me:42 H:38 M:15yrs DD:4/2012 H in PA&EA Current Status:H continues EA via texts & FB
Hi Lapoo-I don't write very often but you are asking the same question I did.
Should I continue to refrain from snooping and continue to practice backing off? I actually feel good when I back off because when I'm so into him and realize he is still engaged in the EA, I'm hurt and devastated all over again.
Yes, you answered your own question, stay out of his way....you will be the only one hurt by snooping.
I can only speak about my own experience...but when I find something (even on accident) I wish I hadn't....wish I wasn't so darn smart for my own good.
My H has is having an EA for over a yr. now with a horrible person of bad character, alcoholic, she's even very verbally abusive to him, but "she's his friend".
I was told by my C that it is the camaraderie of being with someone that they met as they are today (confused, angry, what ever the case) and the expectance from that person.
Whatever the case may be, you are so much better off like you said, backing off, GAL.
They do notice...it's amazing how fast they notice...but do it for you. and your little one, you H will flip flop alot...so just keep going forward.
Hope this helps a little
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
You can focus on your H's OW and possibly go N/C with your H until he ends the A, WITH PROOF.
Or, you can, for all intents and purpose, understand that the A is a symptom which, even if the A ends, the problem will still remain. So this route means taking a look at your responsibility for the break down of your M, working on making yourself an even better person that you already are... that only a fool would leave... and hopefully your H will not be a fool.
Read Sandi2's "37 rules" stickied at the top of this part of the forum, for starters.
Thank you Kaffe Diem-I have read Sandi2's 37 rules and its very motivational.Defintely something I am practicing and will continue to do so. I have chosen NOT to focus on my H's OW & the "A" as it is draining and only upsets me. I've decided to place my energy into building a stronger and healthier me. Although tempting, no more SNOOPING, trying to persuade him or be overtly affectionate. We are in therapy so I will allow her to ask the hard questions. Thus far the sessions have been separate. Saturday will be our first session together. I will certainly keep the thread updated on events.
As for H, I am not sure if has discontinued the EA because I am no longer checking phone records & his secret FB. He is communicating more and trying to spend more time with me during which he is not in use of his phone or FB. He says he is trying so I will give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him space to do what he needs to do to end the A. I am puzzled on how long I should give him though. I don't have a "set" date in mind and figure I wait until I was done trying to DB but I have no clue when/if that will happen.
Me:42 H:38 M:15yrs DD:4/2012 H in PA&EA Current Status:H continues EA via texts & FB
What do you consider an example of "proof" that the relationship has ended? I thought I would get my proof from him discontinuing the texts and FB communication but I am no longer checking those things. Your thoughts?
I mentioned that since I'm backing off, he's been trying to engage more. Sandi2 37rules specially state not to pursue but allow him to do that. My "H" has actually begun to ask me to call him before leaving for work every morning. I don't know if he as caught on to what I am trying to do OR if he is actually wanting to talk to me. When we do talk, he asks that we meet up for lunch. Again, this puts me in a position where backing off is difficult to do. I don't want to push him away or ignore the fact that he is trying to spend his time with me verses the OW.
Good that you are going to a therapist. Do you know if the therapist is aware of DB or is M friendly? Yes, keep us posted on the sessions, especially as it relates to the two of you.
How long to give your H is entirely up to you. What you will specifically be looking for is that your H indicates that he wants to work on the M.
Now let's not put the cart before the horse. IF your H indicates and shows he is working on the M, THEN you may want to ask if OW is no longer in the picture. But...
That is up to you. AND... the proof might be him being transparent about where he is going, who he talks to, etc.
But like I said, looking or asking for proof or transparency is way too early, at this point.
If you are going the route of focusing on personal improvement, than the OW is a moot point. Be friendly, but keep it as such. If he wants more than friends, then you may ask him to commit and ask for time to see that he IS committed. You may want to decide what commitment looks like, to you, so you can let him know, if it comes up.
Let him engage you. You do not have to be no-contact. Just keep yourself available, but distant. He takes a step towards you, you allow for a moment, then back up a touch. Make sense? It might make him desire you more. Being unavailable may make him think that you are holding a grudge and will not forgive him if he DOES want back.
Do you have any guesses WHY your H might want you to call? Does it seem like small talk or does he appear to want to know your where abouts at any given time? If it's the former, great. If it's the later, then you want to be mysterious about your comings and goings.
He has to commit before he gets to know everything you are doing at any given time. And even then, that's a bit controlling of him.
Just to add... make yourself available... sometimes...
you do not want to accept EVERY offer to talk or have lunch that he makes...
So... have some bag of "things" you are planning on doing. Accept one offer from him and then the next offer... "oh, I'm sorry but I am busy then..." and then... MAKE SURE you are doing something from your bag of tricks, at that time. Otherwise, you could get caught in a lie.
And besides... it's part of GAL and it's good for you and makes your teeth and eyes strong...
I am new to your sitch and I haven't read through all of the responses from others, but I wanted to comment on the snooping. You have to stop. Seriously. I know how hard it is. If you look through my posts from the beginning you will see that I had the same issue with snooping. Everyone told me to stop, but I honestly felt like I couldn't. It didn't do me any good to snoop, it made me more upset and it wasn't healthy.
As hard as it was I finally blocked him from FB and refused to snoop any longer. The truth is, snooping doesn't ever end up well. And you can't control what your H is going to do anyway, so why continue to punish yourself?
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Yesterday I accepted H invitation to lunch and we met. He wanted to talk about my therapy session. I was brief and changed the subject to talk about a home remodeling project he is working on. Afterward he asked if I would come to his work site to see the project. I declined because #1, I was tired from going to his worksite the day before and #2, I wanted to visit my mom for awhile. He walked me to my car an attempted to kiss me. I did not respond then asked if he could kiss me and I obliged. An hour later H text "my love" to my phone but I did not respond. Soon afterward he called and we only talked briefly as I was still working. After work I went home to freshen up then off to visit my mom. Later H called and asked what was for dinner. I had already eaten at mom's and told him I was not going to cook. He suggested I go with him to grab a bite to eat and have a drink and I did. During this time I did not bring up the A and neither did he. Afterward we went home. H stayed up a little while on the computer. He got upset b/c the wife of one of our mutual friends posted something negative about cheaters on FB and he took it as a direct attack on him. I was tired and fell asleep. B/c I am not snooping, I do not know if he was on FB or texting OW and I did not ask. During the night I could feel him cuddling me.
H layed in the bed longer than usual this morning complaining about how tired he was from the remodeling and showed off his scrapes and bruises. I could sense he wanted some extra attention. I applied some antiseptic to his minor wounds and I noticed he was smiling. I prepared breakfast and we ate together with a little small talk. While eating he asked me for the password to the AT&T account (as if he didn't know it) and opened the account. I turned away as if I was not interested in looking at the data usage. He said, oh I need to pay the bill today. I did not respond. I told him to have a good day as I was whisking out of the door. He yelled, "You're not going to give me a kiss goodbye?", I replied, sure honey..kissed him on the cheek, said I love you and have a nice day. He replied, I love you twice and to have a good day as well.
Yes, I wanted to grab the phone and look at the call and data usage activity but I DID NOT. I wanted to ask are you still texting, FB'ing and calling the OW but I DID NOT. Still hurting but I'm trying my hardest to DB, back-off and focus on becoming the best me I can be.
Thanks so much to both of you. I cannot tell you how much your reinforcement of DB principles mean to me. I view everyday as a blessing and I want to LIVE the best life I can. I'm tired of crying and feeling hopeless. I'm tired of feeling like the A is controlling me. Where do I go from here? Trying to stay the course....
Me:42 H:38 M:15yrs DD:4/2012 H in PA&EA Current Status:H continues EA via texts, phone calls & FB
