I guess W and I are "friends," sort of. Though we don't have any of the conversations friends have. So I really don't know our status. We will always have a relationship because of the children.
Your M did not get to where it is overnight. And if it is going to revive, it will take time and patience. No, H probably does not feel that way, but when you first met, I don't imagine you thought you would be married. You were friends first. Can you be friends without expectations or would keep thinking because he is your friend, he would consider working on the M?
Is cutting him completely out of your life what you really want?
The only thing I know for sure right now is that I want my M, but it seems hopeless. I don't think I can be friends w/o expectations. Does anyone with hope of saving the M continue being friends w/o expectations? And if so, how? It seems so unhealthy. You're putting your heart in someone else's hands.
I'm not going to initiate any kind of contact/calls, but if he calls, I will try to sound ok with everything. I think that's the best I can do right now.
Sasaima
PS
How long have you been separated? How long do you plan on keeping the doors open for your W? It's a hard call, isn't?
Anita, My wife and I have been having problems for a long time. I did not realize it, but it has been 3 or 4 years since she said she felt happy about us. About two months ago she said that she wanted a divorce. Since then things have gotten much worse. She has actually filed, moved out of the house, and we are at the final hours. I can say with out a doubt that all of the begging, and trying to reason with her about why this is not good just does not work.
A friend of mine who went through a similar situation about one year ago lent me his "Divorce Remedy" book. It has been a great inspiration to me. I am attempting the "Last Resort Technique" I know what you are saying about it being REALLY HARD not to call or make contact. But I also know that every time I try to do it that way it backfires and things get worse. I am hopeful, but don't feel very confident that things are going to get better. The only thing that I can do at this point is work on myself and hope that she can see the baby steps.
I probably have read the book cover to cover 2 times and reread several passages through out in the past 4 days. It helps to focus on what I can do to make this better. I wish you the best and keep trying the 180s. There are several of us in the same boat. JUST KEEP TRYING!
If you have not read the whole book, now is the time to read "Putting it all together" READ IT NOW. Don't get discouraged. There is one story of a couple that took six months before they really even talked. DON'T give up.
The best thing that you can do right now is pull yourself up and brush off the hurt and WORK ON YOU! Go to the gym and work out, go for a walk in the park, call a girlfriend and go to the mall, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. Set aside a time of the day that you will let yourself think about it and limit it to then. You have to come up with a way to let go when that time is over though. You might have it planned that you will think about it and then go swimming, or some other activity that will help you not dwell on it. And when you do think about it try really hard to see if there are any baby steps that you can see him taking. Maybe you could view him wanting to be your friend a baby step. This opens the door for more comunication.
Don't let him see you be desperate. Don't let him know how much this is killing you inside. Occationally if he asks you to do something and you have something else planned keep your original plan and tell him that you are sorry but you have something else going. THIS IS REALLY HARD. I know that you want to spend all of your time with him and figure this thing out quickly, but it just doesn't happen that way most of the time. Stay cool. KEEP TRYING.
I have been thinking the same thing. I don't know if it was a bad idea, but my wife and I do get some time together and I have read her parts of the book that are helping me see my issues. I try really hard to stay away from the things that might cause her to be defensive. I don't know if it is working it is something that I just started a few days ago. I guess we will see.
Hey Lost!
I am going through the same thing exactly. I know that anytime I bring up the divorce, reconciliation, happy memories, or anything about us it usually backfires. I have found that talking about superficial things right now is about all we can talk about. That is what Michelle says to do in “The Last Resort” I have had some baby steps with this technique. She said to me just the other day I really miss talking to you like this. I was so excited. Then I screwed things up again and got impatient and talked about why we should get back together. I am just like you my impatience is destroying us. I have to step back for now and let her have total control. If she says something that makes me feel like we are on track I just need to smile and take it for what it is, nothing more. When she is ready to give me more she will do it. I HAVE TO STOP PUSHING HER AWAY!
Think of the positive: She is still living in the same house with you. My wife moved out. Take advantage of this. Show her that you can do the laundry, or something that she usually does around the house. You do it instead, and try not to let her know that you are doing it. Make it a surprise. Don't mention it later if she says something about it say oh yeah, I just wanted to do it. In the "putting it all together section one of the stories talked about making a cup of coffee for the spouse every day and it was met with a cold shoulder at first, but it turned out to be a good thing. MORE ABOUT THE POSITIVE: She is talking to you at dinner. Keep the conversation light. Stay away from things that make you look clingy, or needy (completely unattractive traits) Use the Think "As If" you did not have this divorce looming and carry on "as if" she wanted to make this work. This will help you exude more self confidence and be much more upbeat about things. I know it is hard, but keep trying YOU CAN DO IT!
My H moved out on July 4th....I have read the DR and tried some of the suggestions.......thing is when I am nice and cheery,he says "good,I am glad we can talk...now we can sit down and agree on everything on the divorce papers--we can make this easy".......THEN I lose it........I dont want a divorce.....I want him to take his time.....after all,we have been together 11 years(M8).........why should you be able to lose all that in a few months?? I am devastated and cant sleep or eat or think of anything else!I did get a job yesterday...that sort of depressed me though....I'll be working 20hrs at 6.50 an hr.....I havent made that little in 30 years.....while he makes over 100,000 a year......I cant believe it has come down to this.......
Piper I read ur post and it mirrors where I am at this very moment..almost word by word. Did you continue to post updates, can you say where things are now? I hope and pray things have worked out for you...if so what occured? Apple
I have followed this site for about one year since the start of my marrige nightmare.
I have had a one on one with Michele about 7 months ago and it was a very informative and helpful session. I am seriously considering a one to two day session at this time for obvious reasons to you all.
As most of you, I have read almost everything I could get my hands on to save my marrige. Shattered Dreams by Larry Cobb , a religious volume that discusses the maturational processes of our lives. I have read most of Michele's books and they have been most helpful in allowing me to change my life. I have read several of John Elridge books ie. The Journey of Desire. Escape from the box ,the human potential by edward hubbard. Sue Shellenbarger's book on breaking out the Midlife crises ( just starting this one) and I understand an author named Conway has a good book on MLC. You probably get the picture that we are all trying very hard and possibly a little too hard.
My W has no OM based on all our counceling sessions and others that know her well. I believe she sees the type of man she believes she wishes that she would have married in a cowboy out west. My W loves horses and she is obsessed with all activities associated with them. She especially likes to go out west and ride with her friends and has taken 11 trips in the last 15 months to colorado and north Dakota. Three of these trips were with my D's 11 an 7 years of age. My W enjoys taking them but her motive is for herself to go.
My wife is definately in a MLC based on the 6 stages that many of you are familiar with. Like when someone dies, she has been through the denial, anger, wich she still has from time to time, Replay she is still in....she says that she is finally doing something for herself in life and my head spins when I hear this based on all we have done to help her dreams grow on the homefront i.e. horses, horse barn, 20 acres of horse property, big house etc....like she is spoiled... Depression, she experienced this to the greater extent in the months of October through March. She still has bouts of crying when she is stressed but the depression waxes and waynes but is nothing like it was back in the winter months ( Could have been some SAD...Seasonal affective disorder.) Now she seems to be in the acknowledgement phase but there is still no real improvement in her working on the marrige. I believe she recognises all the negative things she has told her friends . It is perhaps hard hard to undo all she has said and this may make it more impossible for her to return?? She insists, especially when I stress her out and don't give her enough space, that she is not in love with me and doesn't like me and that we are not a good match. However, she will call me 3-4 times a day about things she does not need to call me about...almost like she wants to talk with me but doesn't know how. Like she has a lot of guilt and anxiety over what she is doing and has done.She talks about living in our other house and I would live in the one were in now and that the kids could visit whenever they want and come and go. Sounds good if this is the way it has to be but is it realistic????
As with your sig. others, they are on rollercoasters, space trains, forgetful, only remember the negative things and forget all the good even when you know differently there is no reasoning with them for they have become illogical!!!
Many of our W and H seem to function normally at times and it makes us wonder what the H is going on! But most of the time they make us feel like strangers and ignore us or say disrespectful things to us.
I have been hanging in here for 12 months this fathers day and dont' plan on loosing this game. Right now it looks as impossible as it did many months ago but there have been some positive small changes but like the rest of you these hardly touch your appetite.
We have booth been in counceling with a lady of good experience but she has admitted that she lacks some of the training in the MLC area. She was the first to expose me to Micheles work from a seminar she attended put on by Michelle. We have been to our C alone and together and a few times with the kids. We have probably consuled about 35 times.
We have seemed to have made some slight progress over the last year but there is still a lot of work ahead. My C has said to me that I have done everything that any man could possibly do to change and that 9 of 10 women she has worked with out of the thousands of patients she has seen would have forgiven me and would have given me a second chance.
Your probably thinking what did thi M do..The reality is very little in my mind and a lot in hers. I never hit my wife, drank and was told that I was a very good father and good provider. We lacked intamacy as many of you have and did not connect perhaps with the proper love language that many of you have studied. I do have ED wich didn't help the situation but my wife said in C that that was not a problem which I do not totally believe. In a c session with my wife meeting the C one on one she told the C that 50% of the reason she wants out is my family. She thought she was marrying into a good family but was disappointed. We were married in 1991.
I know this is the most frustrating thing that most of us will ever go through. We just want to be forgiven for whatever we have done. We have sincerely said we are sorry and love them and would only wish that we could feel their presense in our hearts and arms.Not having sex or even an initiated hug from them for one year,shorter or longer, is unimaginable but we carry on in hope that one day they will recognize that we have really changed and that we really do love them and want them to be happy at all costs..
Somebody said God made no mountain that we cannot climb. Keep climbing.
My WAW really needs to read this but I can't imagine how to get it in front of her. I think she's getting too much biased advice from her new muscian MF and is going to blow 26 years of marriage without considering any of the good times or possibilities. She's a wonderful woman and I am proud of her most recent accomplishments (she's begun a singing career but this is what seems to have brought all this to a head so quickly).
I'm at a loss as to what to say and usually wear my heart on my sleeve, which won't go very far toward reconciliation. I am in counseling (anger, control issues, jealousy, etc.) but it's only been a week since she told me. I work out of town (12 days away, 2 days home) and am totally devastated by this turn of events (as a Christian couple we always agreed that D was not an option). I feel extremely helpless being 500 miles away and living in a hotel room. I don't even have a friend with whom to confide (I hesitate to talk to mutual friends, which is all I've had since meeting her).
