First Chapter

[LonelyThom]

Michelle,

On Saturday, my wife came to me and told me she wants a divorce. She stated that she was not happy, had not been happy for a long time, and that she was tired of pretending and working so hard at our relationship. In the past we had had some serious conversations about our lives together, the last one was back in mid-July, and she told me that I needed some counseling to be a better husband and to become more of the man she wanted me to be. Over the years we have argued, and both mentioned marraige counseling, yet neither of us had followed through with it. I was the only one working for the first 8 years of our marraige and I would always tell here to find out about it and that I would go. Now she says she waited for me to do it to see if it was really important to me. Before Saturdey, on Thursday evening, we had a long talk and i called Friday morning and arranged a counseling session for us, and here response was "So?" She says it is too late, she says she loves me, but she is not "in" love with me the way she should be. I love me wife completely, even after all the hurt she has put me through the past few days. Right now, we are staying in the same house, I in the extra bedroom, her in "our" room and our daughter (8) in her room. At first she asked me to leave, but i told her no I too wanted to be here for our daughter.

[EarthBride]

Please, I can use some help with finding a therapist in the Bay Area of California. I called the DB telephone hoteline and you don't have referrals to that area. I searched the web for solution-based, solution-focused, and brief therapy, and found mostly resources for counselors, not clients. So I'm hoping someone on the message boards will have a recommendation!

I've had a telephone consultation with a coach and my H is willing to try therapy (last time I asked, that is...) I think I'd take Michele's advice and have us each see the therapist separately, since couples counselling didn't help us before, and we're not in agreement about being in or out of the marriage.

Thanks, Earthbride


I found an old thread (When Therapy Hurts) and many people were asking a similar question for their neck of the woods. So I hope someone will answer!

[Holly06]

Looking for advice. Anyone willing to chat?

[luvless]

Hi Holly..what did you want to chat about? I'm new so I'm no veteran (at least to the board) but at marriage busting I just may be. I'm here if you want to talk.

[Holly06]

Hi, yes, I am new to this. I want to talk to someone who is in the same boat. T

[ACJ]

Holly you would be best starting a new thread that is all yours and letting us all know your background so we know what you want help with

[NancyT]

Wow so even though i am in mediation there is somewhat hope....please explain what i need to do

Nancy

[Joelidad]

I need some help! My wife told me last night that she wants a divorce and there is absolutely nothing that can change her mind. We have two beautiful children. Son and daughter, 5 and 3.

Things have not been good for quite some time, but I DON'T want things to end. There is so much in Michele's chapter one that rings true in our regard. She has a sister that is driving a lot of this I think. I think I have anger management issues, and I feel a lot of regret that it has taken it's toll with us. There no affair, this is due to horrible communication. I'm very scared I'm going to lose everything. I'm not talking about material goods, I'm talking about our family. I don't want this to end. I don't want to fail at this.

What do I do?

[Sandy_wants_to_try]

Hi There Joelidad,
Sorry to see you here but happy you found the board. (I know.. doesn't make sense).
First of all, thry to get Michele's Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy books from libarray or Amazon or here.

Post your story o the Newcomer's board. Try to explain your situation as much as possible. You'll get feedback.

Read up on other people's situations. Reading other's people doubts and discoveries really helps.

The first few weeks are tough, but don't give up. It gets better.

[JR2007]

I received my papers two months ago and responded with request for reconciliation conference and court ordered counseling. Her attorney refused a reconciliation conference but we are now in court ordered marriage counseling. She has not moved out yet and does not wear her rings anymore. To the best of my knowledge, she is not having an affair. We do not have problems with abuse, drugs or alcohol. Any attempts to discuss anything with her in the early stages met with resistance and she refused to acknowledge anything. She says that for the last ten years she has been unhappy and done everything. She has mentally blocked out all of our good times and only remembers the few bad times we have had in our marriage. So far, the counseling has helped somewhat but my wife has not called her attorney and stopped the legal process. We are continuing the counseling and she is seeing her own counselor at the same time. We have only been in counseling for three weeks now.

The divorce request came out of the blue with little warning. We had been having problems and I believe both of us were in mid-life crises. For the last year I was traveling extensively and very focused on my job and a few home improvement projects and hobbies. My spouse refuses to open up privately and holds all of her feelings and concerns in. She filed for divorce with no discussion with any of her friends, family or myself. The only things she asks for is space and time.

I have been attempting to give her space, not follow her around the house, not ask questions about our relationship or future. I am not sure it is making a difference yet but it takes time. One of my greatest shortcomings is a lack of patience and I am learning this now. Some nights, you would never know there is a divorce pending. We still eat dinner together and go out to dinner together on the weekends?

I realize that the only thing that will bring her back is changes in me but her lack of will or communication with me is making the process of changing myself harder. How do you find out what is wrong without violating the need to give her space? All I know is that I still love this girl more than anything in the world and do not believe in divorce. She has read the first book, "Divorce Busting".

Hmm, your situation sounds a lot like mine, only my wife bailed and won't talk to me at all. I've been counseled to work on myself, give her space, don't pursue, and above all don't cause any additional conflict. But honestly, until she decides to talk to me, that's all I have and I'll take it. I definitely don't want to come out of this worse off than I already was. So, do things for yourself, read good books, take classes, hang out with friends, go give service to someone else so you forget about yourself for a while, help out around the house without asking, just be different from what you were! That way your wife will become interested again (or so the theory goes, I've yet to be able to test that, but I'm hopeful). In the meantime, you get some self-improvement and it can take your mind off the problems that are currently clouding your mind. Anyway, good luck!