my wife and i have been together for 19 years. after several attempts to fix our marriage, i warned her to change the way she treated me and the kids or one day she will lose us or worse yet i will find someone to replace her(be careful for what you wish for)i did. the other woman was eveything any man would ask for. the only thing was she wasnt the one i wanted it from. after i moved out of the house i realized no matter what anyone else did for me i wasnt from the one i wanted it from. my wife. this has gone on for a year and a half now. i moved back into my home and she and my son moved out. i now have my daughter and my house but not my wife and son. she recently filed for the Divorce and it seems like i cant do anything right to stop it. im at the end of my rope. i want my family back. please help.
It's a dark roller coaster I know. I did some of the same venting to my wife about change or I would leave - well she beat me to the punch and now I'm in an apartment by myself. Smart move huh? Think I've reconciled myself to words no longer mean much but my actions do and it will take TIME. Patience is a hard lesson I'm trying to learn myself, that and trying to notice all the little positive nuggets amongst the crap. This can sound corny but I've asked Christ to be my marriage counselor (yeah, I know we all get faith when the going gets rough) and help guide my words and actions. I always think of that before I see her and ask Him for help. I think she knows I'm speaking from the heart in a non-emotional way and that helps. The D word hasn't been used since the first time so think it's working. Give it a try and hang in there!
Me 47 W 45 D 16 & 13 S 9 & 5 Married 20 years Sep 13 May '07 DB Start 1 Jun '07
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go bear fruit - fruit that will last" John 15:16
I am in a similar situation as well. I have sworn to my wife that I will change and make things right around the house. She is skeptical becuase she has asked for five years and everytime it goes back to the same old routine.
I still have my wife at home but the distance is killing me. There are many other factors I believe are keeping her here but I am trying to use them to my advantage.
The two things that have been drilled into my head is that this is going to take time and take care of yourself. There is no prescribed timeframe for success on any of this or that it will work at all. Second, take care of yourself. If you can display the changes you want to make to save your marriage and your wife is still open to saving it then it should work.
It is a tough road ahead. I started with this website last week and it has helped me tremendously. It is a place to vent as well as find help.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I have read the first chapter online, I really enjoyed reading it. I have been doing a lot of research in order to help me rebuild my marriage. I am determined for some hope. I have been in and out of emotional affairs and my wife said she tried everything to hold on to me. My 'wife' was the alchohol and chat rooms. I have never been unfaithful to her in any other aspects. I found out she is having an emotional affair and she has not been unfaithful to me either. She gave me an ultimatum when I asked her if she would reconsider. She said she would only reconsider if I leave her alone and dont get into her personal business. Last Monday, we did speak thoroughly and I did get to talk to me more than she ever did before. I made her cry. I asked myself why would she cry if she dont love me anymore. I cried since I know I am guilty of all my wrong doings and I a ashamed of what I did to her. I love her so much now that I wondered what I was thinking of during the years when she tried to make me love her. It was never one day I didnt say I didnt loved her. She asked me if I was ashamed of her body and features. I told her it was never of that since we did get together based on personality rather than physical apperance. I have begun individual counselling. This is what I have been doing:
1. Keep on asking her why. 2. Trying to find out what she has been doing. 3. Asking her to go out with me. 4. Trying to call her at lunch time (cant stay away from doing that)
This is me now as of 7/31/07:
1. I let her be. 2. I dont ask any questions. 3. I will go out alone/or with our child, to the movies, mall, park, and dinner etc. 4. I wont call her unless its of importance.
Lastnight, I was reading the book of Hosea and she smirked when she saw me reading the Holy Bible. I didnt pay attention to her and completely blocked her out. I went to bed on the couch and I could not fall asleep. I was wondering what she was doing in the room and what she was saying on the cell phone. I started to think of the song "Amazing Grace" and I fell asleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought that came to mind was to see if she was asleep. Then, I thought about "Amazing Grace" again and fell asleep. When I awake, she and my child was still asleep. I took a shower, got dressed, and left to work.
Approximately, 8:05 AM she called and said our daughter was asking for me. She said for me not to leave to work without telling our daughter I am leaving. This made me think that when she moves my daughter will be going throught withdrawl symtoms from me. I saw this a small step in going into the right direction. If our daughter continues to do so, perhaps she may give in and accept me back into her life since its affecting our child more than we would ever think.
I dont want to wake my child up if she is asleep so that my wife can think deeply of the effects our problem is having on our child and she can feel guilty. She says she will move out 45-60 days from now.
Please advise and God bless.
Last edited by MissingMyHoney; 08/01/0709:05 PM.
See the W, Listen to the W, but dont Speak back to the W. Bridle your tongue...
I think the first chapter is SO full of insight. I agree whole heartedly. I am not the one who wants the divorce and was pretty blindsided by H's wish for one stated to me at the end of July. He has moved out. OW is in the picture. I want to copy and anonymously mail him the first chapter - it addresses his "feeling trapped". I think he feels he is the only one to ever feel like that. He is sure there is no hope for us. I see our relationship as 95% positive, he see 95% negative. As far as I know, he isn't talking to anyone about how he is feeling - doesn't "believe" in counseling and won't confide in any of his male friends. Does anyone advise anonymously sending him the chapter? With a fake note from some anonymous guy friend who has been through it? By the way, I am having to go with LRT because at this stage he is not wearing ring & not talking unless it is a business discussion about finances or our son.
Anita 1 I would find another C fast. Why don't you look for a C that is solution orintated??? Ask questions to C before committing to an appointment
-Love of dogs, every time I loose a dog to the bridge,part of my heart goes too. Ever time a puppy/dog comes into my life,he gives me a part of his heart. If live my life long enough, in time I'll have the heart of a puppy. -unknown (w/character limit)
I just pick up the book and can not put it down. I wish I had this book months ago. My wife left 5 months ago. She is the Walk away wife described in the book. She said she is going to file for divorce but has not yet. I feel like i'm living in limbo waiting for her to decide what she is going to do. Should I force her hand eventhough I do nont want a divorce? She had an emotional affair with her boss and is unwilling to discuss it. I feel like 20 years has been thown away. The 4 kids are with me. Any suggestions on how to deal with my situation?
My story isn't nearly as advanced as everyone else's I've read. H and I have only been married 7 months. About a month after we got married, everything changed. Suddenly, our home was "his" house, our farm became "his" farm, etc.....I had never been on a tractor a day in my life before we met, but I learned how to cut, fluff, rake and bale hay with all the equipment so we could share more of our lives. At first, this just tickled him pink. Then, it seemed like all I got was criticism. Not "good job", but "you're not making your corners right", or "you're not raking it like I showed you", etc......all criticisms, no appreciation. (I am disabled with a terrible nerve disease which HAD been in partial remission, but driving the tractors and working 18 hour days brought it back with a vengence, so a little appreciation of what I was putting myself through to help him would have been nice.) I began to feel like nothing I could do was right. It all absolutely HAD to be done his way or no way. Let's face it, I only have one hand that works, some things I couldn't do his way. Evidently none of it was good enough. In the mean time, even though I dropped what I was doing to help him when he needed it, I couldn't get him to do anything for me. I have been waiting 6 months for him to help me clean out the barn. And when I try to do whatever it is that I asked him to do, I get a chewing cuz I end up paying a hefty price for it by being up most of the night in so much pain. He'll tell me I had no business doing it, yet he had told me he would, and then never had time to. When we have a conflict, he "explains" it to me, and that's suppose to make it go away. If my point of view is different, he just shakes his head and "explains" it to me again. He gets mad at me for not giving readily anytime he wants/needs it, yet I receive nothing. He's an all or nothing type of person. Since I didn't really need his help to put my saddle on all the time, and asked him to stop physically pushing me out of the way to do it, he has stopped doing anything at all for me. He got mad and stopped doing my laundry along with his, so I did my own. After 3 loads, my back locked up and I couldn't walk right for over a week. It hurt sooooo bad. Just tonight, I was lying in bed next him crying........my heart feels so broken. He rolled over. Away from me. Indifference and apathy are killing me slowly. To allow myself to feel is only allowing myself to hurt anymore, so what's the point? He even told me one time that every team may have 3 coaches, but they all answer to one coach,,,,,,this was his reply to my comment on us needing to be equals, a team. I don't want a divorce. I love my husband dearly. I've read parts of the book here, and I have done many of those things, good and bad. But I just don't know if I can continue to fight for a M when H has given up emotionally. I just don't know if I have enough left for that.
This is my first post. I have been married 15 years and my wife and I are in divorce proceedings. We have a final hearing date set for the 15th of July.I really dont want the divorce. Today I snt her a text explaining the fact that I thought are divorce was a big mistake. I told her I loved her and missed her and the kids. I didnt even get a response back from her! We have had alot of problems but I am very faithful and believe God can bring us back together. My problem is I cant deal with the fact that she is moving forward and seems to be over everything. I could really use some advice on how to go about my daily life and what I should do and not do to win her back. I do not argue with her or ever get mad. Are relationship seems very distant and cold. I moved out two weeks ago. If she is over everything why does she still have all of our family photos still up in our house and our wedding pictures as well. I really want things to work out and Im in prayer daily. I feel God is working in my life and is bringing me closer to that man he wants me to be and not the man I used to be. Obviously, Im here as before I would not. I hurt like you all probably have or do and just want some advice on how I should go about in dealing with whole situation. Please know that Im completely dedicated to working on this and myself in order for her to see the man she was supposed to have. Is there any hope? please help!
