I'm at the 11th hour. My husband and I have been separated for 14 months. We have a 10 year old son, a 21 year old son, and a 1 year old granddaughter. We have been married 28 years before the separation. He's having an affair with an old friend. He wants to take her to NYC next month so he filed divorce papers. In my response I would like to suggest marriage counseling and parenting counseling. Can anyone out there help me with the verbage for the response? I am wanting to save this marriage. I'm glad I found this site.
My response to being served was to file a motion to abate and enter into marriage counsuling for three months.It was a long shot.But the judge granted me my motion.But be warned...... My husband was very pissed about that at first.In fact I have never seen him that mad before.But he is not as mad now.He calmed down.But I figured at this point what did I have to lose.You can see my thread in midlife if you want the whole story.I don't know what state you live in.I live in Florida. Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
I received my papers two months ago and responded with request for reconciliation conference and court ordered counseling. Her attorney refused a reconciliation conference but we are now in court ordered marriage counseling. She has not moved out yet and does not wear her rings anymore. To the best of my knowledge, she is not having an affair. We do not have problems with abuse, drugs or alcohol. Any attempts to discuss anything with her in the early stages met with resistance and she refused to acknowledge anything. She says that for the last ten years she has been unhappy and done everything. She has mentally blocked out all of our good times and only remembers the few bad times we have had in our marriage. So far, the counseling has helped somewhat but my wife has not called her attorney and stopped the legal process. We are continuing the counseling and she is seeing her own counselor at the same time. We have only been in counseling for three weeks now.
The divorce request came out of the blue with little warning. We had been having problems and I believe both of us were in mid-life crises. For the last year I was traveling extensively and very focused on my job and a few home improvement projects and hobbies. My spouse refuses to open up privately and holds all of her feelings and concerns in. She filed for divorce with no discussion with any of her friends, family or myself. The only things she asks for is space and time.
I have been attempting to give her space, not follow her around the house, not ask questions about our relationship or future. I am not sure it is making a difference yet but it takes time. One of my greatest shortcomings is a lack of patience and I am learning this now. Some nights, you would never know there is a divorce pending. We still eat dinner together and go out to dinner together on the weekends?
I realize that the only thing that will bring her back is changes in me but her lack of will or communication with me is making the process of changing myself harder. How do you find out what is wrong without violating the need to give her space? All I know is that I still love this girl more than anything in the world and do not believe in divorce. She has read the first book, "Divorce Busting".
I have a question, I have read your book and it has given me immesureable advise on how to proceed. My question is should I send a copy with a loving note to my W for her review? Will this ruin any progress I have made with useing the techniques outlined in the book? Please let me know. Thanks
Hi Michelle, I bought Divorce Remedy this past Monday. At times when I'm reading, it seems as if another person is talking to me(I'm not reading) Exactly today, I've been separated for three weeks. Initially I thought separation was a good idea. Not so sure anymore. Feeling hopeless,sad, and everything in between. I'm trying the LRT and 180's, but it is so hard.
Before: 1) when angry I would have a scowl on my face. 2) always called my H several times a day, even to fight 3) Didn't make any real effort to go out w/o him 4) Tried to get him to spend more time with me.
180's I'm TRYING now: 1) when I speak with him, sound happy. 2)resist the urge to call, sooooo difficult. 3) taking a class I like, forcing myself to go to the movies. 4) Not asking him to do anything "fun" with me.
But how do I do these things and appear like I'm moving on when we participate in counseling? I posted this question in the newcomers section, but I haven't received any suggestions.
This is most difficult. But you have to stop pursuing, for your own sanity.
I want so much to pick up the phone and call W, but I don't. W moved out in Mar. I recognize she felt she had to be out of the house and the R. Is time going to heal or revive our M? Probably not. But I'm beginning to feel better about my life.
If he asks what you have been doing, say you have been busy. You are still in the game, if he is going to C. W quit going over a month ago. It was unproductive. Be honest with him. Tell him what you want to in C, but do not talk about the R outside, unless he wants to.
W and I have NO talk of R or M or anything significant.
Hang in. Do for yourself. Walk, get outside and impossible as it is, do not focus on what he is doing.
Thank you for your reply. I'm going to do what you said: Speak honestly in counseling, but outside speak nothing of the M or R unless he brings it up. But I know I'm going to struggle with the second part.
Do you really think I'm "still in the game" because he has agreed to attend sessions? It's so strange. ALL of his talk is towards divorce, but I asked him just this past Friday if he wanted to continue therapy(because what's the point if he knows he wants a D) He said yes, let's go and see what happens.
I think for me the worst part is all of the mixed messages. Sometimes when I speak w/ him , he sounds as if he's so happy to hear my voice. At other times, he's downright rude and mean. He can't decide on what he wants to call me. Before he rarely called me by my given name. Now he calls me for example: anna/annie, but it sounds so unnatural. Sometimes even when he's struggling with what to call me, he slips and calls me an old pet name. In those moments his voice sounds normal.
I don't know....I pray that I survive this time in my life w/o too much emotional damage.
We have a session tonight w/ a solution- focused therapist. I'm putting a lot of hope into this counselor.
Welcome to the contradictory world of the WAS. This is why it is important not to respond or overreact when they say or do something which is confusing. A lot of it is testing behavior. To see if you are going to react the same way as you used to.
Yes, it is VERY difficult not to talk about the R. Every time I see W, I want to scream, "What are you doing? What are we doing?"
I know time is my ally, if only for my own sanity.
If he says he wants to go to MC, this is good. If he continues to talk about D in MC, (something W did), say I did not come here for this. If we are going to talk about D, and if you are only here for me, then this is not what I had in mind and is not productive.
But when he speaks in MC, LISTEN, he is trying to tell you something.
But don't go in with your hopes or expectations TOO high or unrealistic, you will be disappointed. I was and I got very hurt and upset.
The session was very disappointing. I am so heartbroken. The counselor started the session off by asking what attracted us to one another. I was thinking, ok, good start. Then she asked what each of us want to see happen in the relationship. I told her what I wanted, which was all postive. Then my husband said, it all sounds good, but he thinks it's too late for us.
Then she proceeded to ask why we were in her office: you know why each of us thought the marriage had a breakdown. We both told our side of the story. Again my husband expressed negativity about our future. After we both talked about our individual hurts and pains, she asked my husband to leave the room.
She told me she didn't hear any mixed feelings in my H responses. She didn't think he wanted to work on our marriage. The only thing she could suggest was to learn from the R and not make the same mistakes in the future("for your next wonderful R")
She then spoke to my husband in private.
Then yet again she spoke to me in private. My H had expressed to her that he doesn't want to work on M, but he wants to remain friends( because I'm his best friend) Even though she sees a lot of love and caring between the two of us " he's adamant that he only loves you as a friend" the best thing for me to do at this time is to accept that fact.
Can you imagine my shock? This was our VERY FIRST session with her. She gave up so easily! Who knows what she said to my husband in private.
When I walked out to leave(after I paid her $130!) my husband was crying outside. We walked outside and he said" I don't see why we can't be friends?"
I really don't see how we can be friends; it would be too painful.
I really feel let down by this counselor. I know counselors are not miracle workers and I don't expect for anyone to "change" my H mind. But we have been only separated three weeks. I know he can't be 100% sure of his feelings.
I don't know what to do. I'm not going to rely on anymore counselors to help me.
I think I'm just not going to talk to my spouse. I suggested that we(and meant it) dissolve any and all joint accounts. I don't think I can bear having to deal w/ him about business for another year(s) If I'm going to be separated, I want a CLEAN break. I can't live my life in limbo.......If he wants to throw away our M, ......Maybe it will be too late when he realizes it.
Do you think I should just cut all ties?
Oh yeah, the counselor even suggested we wait a year before we even try to be friends.
I guess W and I are "friends," sort of. Though we don't have any of the conversations friends have. So I really don't know our status. We will always have a relationship because of the children.
Your M did not get to where it is overnight. And if it is going to revive, it will take time and patience. No, H probably does not feel that way, but when you first met, I don't imagine you thought you would be married. You were friends first. Can you be friends without expectations or would keep thinking because he is your friend, he would consider working on the M?
Is cutting him completely out of your life what you really want?
The only thing I know for sure right now is that I want my M, but it seems hopeless. I don't think I can be friends w/o expectations. Does anyone with hope of saving the M continue being friends w/o expectations? And if so, how? It seems so unhealthy. You're putting your heart in someone else's hands.
I'm not going to initiate any kind of contact/calls, but if he calls, I will try to sound ok with everything. I think that's the best I can do right now.
Sasaima
PS
How long have you been separated? How long do you plan on keeping the doors open for your W? It's a hard call, isn't?
Anita, My wife and I have been having problems for a long time. I did not realize it, but it has been 3 or 4 years since she said she felt happy about us. About two months ago she said that she wanted a divorce. Since then things have gotten much worse. She has actually filed, moved out of the house, and we are at the final hours. I can say with out a doubt that all of the begging, and trying to reason with her about why this is not good just does not work.
A friend of mine who went through a similar situation about one year ago lent me his "Divorce Remedy" book. It has been a great inspiration to me. I am attempting the "Last Resort Technique" I know what you are saying about it being REALLY HARD not to call or make contact. But I also know that every time I try to do it that way it backfires and things get worse. I am hopeful, but don't feel very confident that things are going to get better. The only thing that I can do at this point is work on myself and hope that she can see the baby steps.
I probably have read the book cover to cover 2 times and reread several passages through out in the past 4 days. It helps to focus on what I can do to make this better. I wish you the best and keep trying the 180s. There are several of us in the same boat. JUST KEEP TRYING!
If you have not read the whole book, now is the time to read "Putting it all together" READ IT NOW. Don't get discouraged. There is one story of a couple that took six months before they really even talked. DON'T give up.
The best thing that you can do right now is pull yourself up and brush off the hurt and WORK ON YOU! Go to the gym and work out, go for a walk in the park, call a girlfriend and go to the mall, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. Set aside a time of the day that you will let yourself think about it and limit it to then. You have to come up with a way to let go when that time is over though. You might have it planned that you will think about it and then go swimming, or some other activity that will help you not dwell on it. And when you do think about it try really hard to see if there are any baby steps that you can see him taking. Maybe you could view him wanting to be your friend a baby step. This opens the door for more comunication.
Don't let him see you be desperate. Don't let him know how much this is killing you inside. Occationally if he asks you to do something and you have something else planned keep your original plan and tell him that you are sorry but you have something else going. THIS IS REALLY HARD. I know that you want to spend all of your time with him and figure this thing out quickly, but it just doesn't happen that way most of the time. Stay cool. KEEP TRYING.
I have been thinking the same thing. I don't know if it was a bad idea, but my wife and I do get some time together and I have read her parts of the book that are helping me see my issues. I try really hard to stay away from the things that might cause her to be defensive. I don't know if it is working it is something that I just started a few days ago. I guess we will see.
Hey Lost!
I am going through the same thing exactly. I know that anytime I bring up the divorce, reconciliation, happy memories, or anything about us it usually backfires. I have found that talking about superficial things right now is about all we can talk about. That is what Michelle says to do in “The Last Resort” I have had some baby steps with this technique. She said to me just the other day I really miss talking to you like this. I was so excited. Then I screwed things up again and got impatient and talked about why we should get back together. I am just like you my impatience is destroying us. I have to step back for now and let her have total control. If she says something that makes me feel like we are on track I just need to smile and take it for what it is, nothing more. When she is ready to give me more she will do it. I HAVE TO STOP PUSHING HER AWAY!
Think of the positive: She is still living in the same house with you. My wife moved out. Take advantage of this. Show her that you can do the laundry, or something that she usually does around the house. You do it instead, and try not to let her know that you are doing it. Make it a surprise. Don't mention it later if she says something about it say oh yeah, I just wanted to do it. In the "putting it all together section one of the stories talked about making a cup of coffee for the spouse every day and it was met with a cold shoulder at first, but it turned out to be a good thing. MORE ABOUT THE POSITIVE: She is talking to you at dinner. Keep the conversation light. Stay away from things that make you look clingy, or needy (completely unattractive traits) Use the Think "As If" you did not have this divorce looming and carry on "as if" she wanted to make this work. This will help you exude more self confidence and be much more upbeat about things. I know it is hard, but keep trying YOU CAN DO IT!
My H moved out on July 4th....I have read the DR and tried some of the suggestions.......thing is when I am nice and cheery,he says "good,I am glad we can talk...now we can sit down and agree on everything on the divorce papers--we can make this easy".......THEN I lose it........I dont want a divorce.....I want him to take his time.....after all,we have been together 11 years(M8).........why should you be able to lose all that in a few months?? I am devastated and cant sleep or eat or think of anything else!I did get a job yesterday...that sort of depressed me though....I'll be working 20hrs at 6.50 an hr.....I havent made that little in 30 years.....while he makes over 100,000 a year......I cant believe it has come down to this.......
Piper I read ur post and it mirrors where I am at this very moment..almost word by word. Did you continue to post updates, can you say where things are now? I hope and pray things have worked out for you...if so what occured? Apple
I have followed this site for about one year since the start of my marrige nightmare.
I have had a one on one with Michele about 7 months ago and it was a very informative and helpful session. I am seriously considering a one to two day session at this time for obvious reasons to you all.
As most of you, I have read almost everything I could get my hands on to save my marrige. Shattered Dreams by Larry Cobb , a religious volume that discusses the maturational processes of our lives. I have read most of Michele's books and they have been most helpful in allowing me to change my life. I have read several of John Elridge books ie. The Journey of Desire. Escape from the box ,the human potential by edward hubbard. Sue Shellenbarger's book on breaking out the Midlife crises ( just starting this one) and I understand an author named Conway has a good book on MLC. You probably get the picture that we are all trying very hard and possibly a little too hard.
My W has no OM based on all our counceling sessions and others that know her well. I believe she sees the type of man she believes she wishes that she would have married in a cowboy out west. My W loves horses and she is obsessed with all activities associated with them. She especially likes to go out west and ride with her friends and has taken 11 trips in the last 15 months to colorado and north Dakota. Three of these trips were with my D's 11 an 7 years of age. My W enjoys taking them but her motive is for herself to go.
My wife is definately in a MLC based on the 6 stages that many of you are familiar with. Like when someone dies, she has been through the denial, anger, wich she still has from time to time, Replay she is still in....she says that she is finally doing something for herself in life and my head spins when I hear this based on all we have done to help her dreams grow on the homefront i.e. horses, horse barn, 20 acres of horse property, big house etc....like she is spoiled... Depression, she experienced this to the greater extent in the months of October through March. She still has bouts of crying when she is stressed but the depression waxes and waynes but is nothing like it was back in the winter months ( Could have been some SAD...Seasonal affective disorder.) Now she seems to be in the acknowledgement phase but there is still no real improvement in her working on the marrige. I believe she recognises all the negative things she has told her friends . It is perhaps hard hard to undo all she has said and this may make it more impossible for her to return?? She insists, especially when I stress her out and don't give her enough space, that she is not in love with me and doesn't like me and that we are not a good match. However, she will call me 3-4 times a day about things she does not need to call me about...almost like she wants to talk with me but doesn't know how. Like she has a lot of guilt and anxiety over what she is doing and has done.She talks about living in our other house and I would live in the one were in now and that the kids could visit whenever they want and come and go. Sounds good if this is the way it has to be but is it realistic????
As with your sig. others, they are on rollercoasters, space trains, forgetful, only remember the negative things and forget all the good even when you know differently there is no reasoning with them for they have become illogical!!!
Many of our W and H seem to function normally at times and it makes us wonder what the H is going on! But most of the time they make us feel like strangers and ignore us or say disrespectful things to us.
I have been hanging in here for 12 months this fathers day and dont' plan on loosing this game. Right now it looks as impossible as it did many months ago but there have been some positive small changes but like the rest of you these hardly touch your appetite.
We have booth been in counceling with a lady of good experience but she has admitted that she lacks some of the training in the MLC area. She was the first to expose me to Micheles work from a seminar she attended put on by Michelle. We have been to our C alone and together and a few times with the kids. We have probably consuled about 35 times.
We have seemed to have made some slight progress over the last year but there is still a lot of work ahead. My C has said to me that I have done everything that any man could possibly do to change and that 9 of 10 women she has worked with out of the thousands of patients she has seen would have forgiven me and would have given me a second chance.
Your probably thinking what did thi M do..The reality is very little in my mind and a lot in hers. I never hit my wife, drank and was told that I was a very good father and good provider. We lacked intamacy as many of you have and did not connect perhaps with the proper love language that many of you have studied. I do have ED wich didn't help the situation but my wife said in C that that was not a problem which I do not totally believe. In a c session with my wife meeting the C one on one she told the C that 50% of the reason she wants out is my family. She thought she was marrying into a good family but was disappointed. We were married in 1991.
I know this is the most frustrating thing that most of us will ever go through. We just want to be forgiven for whatever we have done. We have sincerely said we are sorry and love them and would only wish that we could feel their presense in our hearts and arms.Not having sex or even an initiated hug from them for one year,shorter or longer, is unimaginable but we carry on in hope that one day they will recognize that we have really changed and that we really do love them and want them to be happy at all costs..
Somebody said God made no mountain that we cannot climb. Keep climbing.
My WAW really needs to read this but I can't imagine how to get it in front of her. I think she's getting too much biased advice from her new muscian MF and is going to blow 26 years of marriage without considering any of the good times or possibilities. She's a wonderful woman and I am proud of her most recent accomplishments (she's begun a singing career but this is what seems to have brought all this to a head so quickly).
I'm at a loss as to what to say and usually wear my heart on my sleeve, which won't go very far toward reconciliation. I am in counseling (anger, control issues, jealousy, etc.) but it's only been a week since she told me. I work out of town (12 days away, 2 days home) and am totally devastated by this turn of events (as a Christian couple we always agreed that D was not an option). I feel extremely helpless being 500 miles away and living in a hotel room. I don't even have a friend with whom to confide (I hesitate to talk to mutual friends, which is all I've had since meeting her).
On Saturday, my wife came to me and told me she wants a divorce. She stated that she was not happy, had not been happy for a long time, and that she was tired of pretending and working so hard at our relationship. In the past we had had some serious conversations about our lives together, the last one was back in mid-July, and she told me that I needed some counseling to be a better husband and to become more of the man she wanted me to be. Over the years we have argued, and both mentioned marraige counseling, yet neither of us had followed through with it. I was the only one working for the first 8 years of our marraige and I would always tell here to find out about it and that I would go. Now she says she waited for me to do it to see if it was really important to me. Before Saturdey, on Thursday evening, we had a long talk and i called Friday morning and arranged a counseling session for us, and here response was "So?" She says it is too late, she says she loves me, but she is not "in" love with me the way she should be. I love me wife completely, even after all the hurt she has put me through the past few days. Right now, we are staying in the same house, I in the extra bedroom, her in "our" room and our daughter (8) in her room. At first she asked me to leave, but i told her no I too wanted to be here for our daughter.
Please, I can use some help with finding a therapist in the Bay Area of California. I called the DB telephone hoteline and you don't have referrals to that area. I searched the web for solution-based, solution-focused, and brief therapy, and found mostly resources for counselors, not clients. So I'm hoping someone on the message boards will have a recommendation!
I've had a telephone consultation with a coach and my H is willing to try therapy (last time I asked, that is...) I think I'd take Michele's advice and have us each see the therapist separately, since couples counselling didn't help us before, and we're not in agreement about being in or out of the marriage.
Thanks, Earthbride
I found an old thread (When Therapy Hurts) and many people were asking a similar question for their neck of the woods. So I hope someone will answer!
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Hi Holly..what did you want to chat about? I'm new so I'm no veteran (at least to the board) but at marriage busting I just may be. I'm here if you want to talk.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Hi, yes, I am new to this. I want to talk to someone who is in the same boat. T
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I need some help! My wife told me last night that she wants a divorce and there is absolutely nothing that can change her mind. We have two beautiful children. Son and daughter, 5 and 3.
Things have not been good for quite some time, but I DON'T want things to end. There is so much in Michele's chapter one that rings true in our regard. She has a sister that is driving a lot of this I think. I think I have anger management issues, and I feel a lot of regret that it has taken it's toll with us. There no affair, this is due to horrible communication. I'm very scared I'm going to lose everything. I'm not talking about material goods, I'm talking about our family. I don't want this to end. I don't want to fail at this.
Hi There Joelidad, Sorry to see you here but happy you found the board. (I know.. doesn't make sense). First of all, thry to get Michele's Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy books from libarray or Amazon or here.
Post your story o the Newcomer's board. Try to explain your situation as much as possible. You'll get feedback.
Read up on other people's situations. Reading other's people doubts and discoveries really helps.
The first few weeks are tough, but don't give up. It gets better.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
I received my papers two months ago and responded with request for reconciliation conference and court ordered counseling. Her attorney refused a reconciliation conference but we are now in court ordered marriage counseling. She has not moved out yet and does not wear her rings anymore. To the best of my knowledge, she is not having an affair. We do not have problems with abuse, drugs or alcohol. Any attempts to discuss anything with her in the early stages met with resistance and she refused to acknowledge anything. She says that for the last ten years she has been unhappy and done everything. She has mentally blocked out all of our good times and only remembers the few bad times we have had in our marriage. So far, the counseling has helped somewhat but my wife has not called her attorney and stopped the legal process. We are continuing the counseling and she is seeing her own counselor at the same time. We have only been in counseling for three weeks now.
The divorce request came out of the blue with little warning. We had been having problems and I believe both of us were in mid-life crises. For the last year I was traveling extensively and very focused on my job and a few home improvement projects and hobbies. My spouse refuses to open up privately and holds all of her feelings and concerns in. She filed for divorce with no discussion with any of her friends, family or myself. The only things she asks for is space and time.
I have been attempting to give her space, not follow her around the house, not ask questions about our relationship or future. I am not sure it is making a difference yet but it takes time. One of my greatest shortcomings is a lack of patience and I am learning this now. Some nights, you would never know there is a divorce pending. We still eat dinner together and go out to dinner together on the weekends?
I realize that the only thing that will bring her back is changes in me but her lack of will or communication with me is making the process of changing myself harder. How do you find out what is wrong without violating the need to give her space? All I know is that I still love this girl more than anything in the world and do not believe in divorce. She has read the first book, "Divorce Busting".
Hmm, your situation sounds a lot like mine, only my wife bailed and won't talk to me at all. I've been counseled to work on myself, give her space, don't pursue, and above all don't cause any additional conflict. But honestly, until she decides to talk to me, that's all I have and I'll take it. I definitely don't want to come out of this worse off than I already was. So, do things for yourself, read good books, take classes, hang out with friends, go give service to someone else so you forget about yourself for a while, help out around the house without asking, just be different from what you were! That way your wife will become interested again (or so the theory goes, I've yet to be able to test that, but I'm hopeful). In the meantime, you get some self-improvement and it can take your mind off the problems that are currently clouding your mind. Anyway, good luck!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
my wife and i have been together for 19 years. after several attempts to fix our marriage, i warned her to change the way she treated me and the kids or one day she will lose us or worse yet i will find someone to replace her(be careful for what you wish for)i did. the other woman was eveything any man would ask for. the only thing was she wasnt the one i wanted it from. after i moved out of the house i realized no matter what anyone else did for me i wasnt from the one i wanted it from. my wife. this has gone on for a year and a half now. i moved back into my home and she and my son moved out. i now have my daughter and my house but not my wife and son. she recently filed for the Divorce and it seems like i cant do anything right to stop it. im at the end of my rope. i want my family back. please help.
It's a dark roller coaster I know. I did some of the same venting to my wife about change or I would leave - well she beat me to the punch and now I'm in an apartment by myself. Smart move huh? Think I've reconciled myself to words no longer mean much but my actions do and it will take TIME. Patience is a hard lesson I'm trying to learn myself, that and trying to notice all the little positive nuggets amongst the crap. This can sound corny but I've asked Christ to be my marriage counselor (yeah, I know we all get faith when the going gets rough) and help guide my words and actions. I always think of that before I see her and ask Him for help. I think she knows I'm speaking from the heart in a non-emotional way and that helps. The D word hasn't been used since the first time so think it's working. Give it a try and hang in there!
Me 47 W 45 D 16 & 13 S 9 & 5 Married 20 years Sep 13 May '07 DB Start 1 Jun '07
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go bear fruit - fruit that will last" John 15:16
I am in a similar situation as well. I have sworn to my wife that I will change and make things right around the house. She is skeptical becuase she has asked for five years and everytime it goes back to the same old routine.
I still have my wife at home but the distance is killing me. There are many other factors I believe are keeping her here but I am trying to use them to my advantage.
The two things that have been drilled into my head is that this is going to take time and take care of yourself. There is no prescribed timeframe for success on any of this or that it will work at all. Second, take care of yourself. If you can display the changes you want to make to save your marriage and your wife is still open to saving it then it should work.
It is a tough road ahead. I started with this website last week and it has helped me tremendously. It is a place to vent as well as find help.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I have read the first chapter online, I really enjoyed reading it. I have been doing a lot of research in order to help me rebuild my marriage. I am determined for some hope. I have been in and out of emotional affairs and my wife said she tried everything to hold on to me. My 'wife' was the alchohol and chat rooms. I have never been unfaithful to her in any other aspects. I found out she is having an emotional affair and she has not been unfaithful to me either. She gave me an ultimatum when I asked her if she would reconsider. She said she would only reconsider if I leave her alone and dont get into her personal business. Last Monday, we did speak thoroughly and I did get to talk to me more than she ever did before. I made her cry. I asked myself why would she cry if she dont love me anymore. I cried since I know I am guilty of all my wrong doings and I a ashamed of what I did to her. I love her so much now that I wondered what I was thinking of during the years when she tried to make me love her. It was never one day I didnt say I didnt loved her. She asked me if I was ashamed of her body and features. I told her it was never of that since we did get together based on personality rather than physical apperance. I have begun individual counselling. This is what I have been doing:
1. Keep on asking her why. 2. Trying to find out what she has been doing. 3. Asking her to go out with me. 4. Trying to call her at lunch time (cant stay away from doing that)
This is me now as of 7/31/07:
1. I let her be. 2. I dont ask any questions. 3. I will go out alone/or with our child, to the movies, mall, park, and dinner etc. 4. I wont call her unless its of importance.
Lastnight, I was reading the book of Hosea and she smirked when she saw me reading the Holy Bible. I didnt pay attention to her and completely blocked her out. I went to bed on the couch and I could not fall asleep. I was wondering what she was doing in the room and what she was saying on the cell phone. I started to think of the song "Amazing Grace" and I fell asleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought that came to mind was to see if she was asleep. Then, I thought about "Amazing Grace" again and fell asleep. When I awake, she and my child was still asleep. I took a shower, got dressed, and left to work.
Approximately, 8:05 AM she called and said our daughter was asking for me. She said for me not to leave to work without telling our daughter I am leaving. This made me think that when she moves my daughter will be going throught withdrawl symtoms from me. I saw this a small step in going into the right direction. If our daughter continues to do so, perhaps she may give in and accept me back into her life since its affecting our child more than we would ever think.
I dont want to wake my child up if she is asleep so that my wife can think deeply of the effects our problem is having on our child and she can feel guilty. She says she will move out 45-60 days from now.
Please advise and God bless.
Last edited by MissingMyHoney; 08/01/0709:05 PM.
See the W, Listen to the W, but dont Speak back to the W. Bridle your tongue...
I think the first chapter is SO full of insight. I agree whole heartedly. I am not the one who wants the divorce and was pretty blindsided by H's wish for one stated to me at the end of July. He has moved out. OW is in the picture. I want to copy and anonymously mail him the first chapter - it addresses his "feeling trapped". I think he feels he is the only one to ever feel like that. He is sure there is no hope for us. I see our relationship as 95% positive, he see 95% negative. As far as I know, he isn't talking to anyone about how he is feeling - doesn't "believe" in counseling and won't confide in any of his male friends. Does anyone advise anonymously sending him the chapter? With a fake note from some anonymous guy friend who has been through it? By the way, I am having to go with LRT because at this stage he is not wearing ring & not talking unless it is a business discussion about finances or our son.
Anita 1 I would find another C fast. Why don't you look for a C that is solution orintated??? Ask questions to C before committing to an appointment
-Love of dogs, every time I loose a dog to the bridge,part of my heart goes too. Ever time a puppy/dog comes into my life,he gives me a part of his heart. If live my life long enough, in time I'll have the heart of a puppy. -unknown (w/character limit)
I just pick up the book and can not put it down. I wish I had this book months ago. My wife left 5 months ago. She is the Walk away wife described in the book. She said she is going to file for divorce but has not yet. I feel like i'm living in limbo waiting for her to decide what she is going to do. Should I force her hand eventhough I do nont want a divorce? She had an emotional affair with her boss and is unwilling to discuss it. I feel like 20 years has been thown away. The 4 kids are with me. Any suggestions on how to deal with my situation?
My story isn't nearly as advanced as everyone else's I've read. H and I have only been married 7 months. About a month after we got married, everything changed. Suddenly, our home was "his" house, our farm became "his" farm, etc.....I had never been on a tractor a day in my life before we met, but I learned how to cut, fluff, rake and bale hay with all the equipment so we could share more of our lives. At first, this just tickled him pink. Then, it seemed like all I got was criticism. Not "good job", but "you're not making your corners right", or "you're not raking it like I showed you", etc......all criticisms, no appreciation. (I am disabled with a terrible nerve disease which HAD been in partial remission, but driving the tractors and working 18 hour days brought it back with a vengence, so a little appreciation of what I was putting myself through to help him would have been nice.) I began to feel like nothing I could do was right. It all absolutely HAD to be done his way or no way. Let's face it, I only have one hand that works, some things I couldn't do his way. Evidently none of it was good enough. In the mean time, even though I dropped what I was doing to help him when he needed it, I couldn't get him to do anything for me. I have been waiting 6 months for him to help me clean out the barn. And when I try to do whatever it is that I asked him to do, I get a chewing cuz I end up paying a hefty price for it by being up most of the night in so much pain. He'll tell me I had no business doing it, yet he had told me he would, and then never had time to. When we have a conflict, he "explains" it to me, and that's suppose to make it go away. If my point of view is different, he just shakes his head and "explains" it to me again. He gets mad at me for not giving readily anytime he wants/needs it, yet I receive nothing. He's an all or nothing type of person. Since I didn't really need his help to put my saddle on all the time, and asked him to stop physically pushing me out of the way to do it, he has stopped doing anything at all for me. He got mad and stopped doing my laundry along with his, so I did my own. After 3 loads, my back locked up and I couldn't walk right for over a week. It hurt sooooo bad. Just tonight, I was lying in bed next him crying........my heart feels so broken. He rolled over. Away from me. Indifference and apathy are killing me slowly. To allow myself to feel is only allowing myself to hurt anymore, so what's the point? He even told me one time that every team may have 3 coaches, but they all answer to one coach,,,,,,this was his reply to my comment on us needing to be equals, a team. I don't want a divorce. I love my husband dearly. I've read parts of the book here, and I have done many of those things, good and bad. But I just don't know if I can continue to fight for a M when H has given up emotionally. I just don't know if I have enough left for that.
This is my first post. I have been married 15 years and my wife and I are in divorce proceedings. We have a final hearing date set for the 15th of July.I really dont want the divorce. Today I snt her a text explaining the fact that I thought are divorce was a big mistake. I told her I loved her and missed her and the kids. I didnt even get a response back from her! We have had alot of problems but I am very faithful and believe God can bring us back together. My problem is I cant deal with the fact that she is moving forward and seems to be over everything. I could really use some advice on how to go about my daily life and what I should do and not do to win her back. I do not argue with her or ever get mad. Are relationship seems very distant and cold. I moved out two weeks ago. If she is over everything why does she still have all of our family photos still up in our house and our wedding pictures as well. I really want things to work out and Im in prayer daily. I feel God is working in my life and is bringing me closer to that man he wants me to be and not the man I used to be. Obviously, Im here as before I would not. I hurt like you all probably have or do and just want some advice on how I should go about in dealing with whole situation. Please know that Im completely dedicated to working on this and myself in order for her to see the man she was supposed to have. Is there any hope? please help!
If you have God on your side and you put him first anything can happen. Follow the Divorce Busting Book..it works!!! and if you can get a coach too..I am using Lori..and she is GREAT!!! I did not get to the same point as you but I am making progress myself..just know that it is a very slow process and by following the info in the book and coaching it can be very helpful. It sounds like you are really wanting to save this so do it but do it right..Keep posting in the forums they really do help. Coming from a married man trying to renew his marriage It is very tough but like it says in the first chapter you have to be patient..
Take Care and God Bless
M:35 W:36 M:10 yrs T:11.5 yrs C: B7, G3 ED: 3/09 DB: 3/20/09 Served 12-8-09 Still going through the process
That first chapter was so good, and I'm sure it appleasl to me, and others like me, because I am always hopeful, resilient and optimistic.
I SO wish I could foraward to her family, her, her friends etc. BUT as I've learned in my short time on this board, GD means GD, and you shouldn't engage family friends to 'convince' or campaign for you, but wow, for the most part, very factual, and talks about the benefits of marriage even with its ups and downs.
Loved it! Will keep working on GAL and maintaining GD, but will order this book no matter WHAT happens.
Eternal optimist
LBS (me):48 WAW:44 Married:11 T: 16 Separated: 02/10/10 Separated: one year first time, two years ago Sitch: http://bit.ly/baqySm
I am new to the site so I apologize up front for perhaps mis-stepping.
I have been served with Divorce papers along with a No Contact stipulation. I have two sons 9 and 11 and love them dearly. Over the past year I had some serious side effects from a Allergy drug, was recently diagnosed with extremely low testosterone at 41, and extremely low Vitamin D. I have letter from my doctor saying that these all contributed to my behavioral issues. These made me quick to anger,wicked mood swings, and anxiety. I know this is not an excuse so I am also seeing a therapist once a week for the past 7 weeks and identified that these medications caused me to have a severe depression, which caused me to wall off from my wife and not listen to her begging for me to get help.
Since she filed I have done serious personal reflection and determined that I have to make significant life changes. I am no longer taking that medication, I am getting testosterone injections, and Vitamin D medication. I can honestly say I feel better than I have both physically and mentally than I have in 5 years for sure. I have had several co-workers, friends, and family comment on how I am back to my old self, but my wife wants to see none of it. She told me that she is glad for me but its too late, that anyone can change for 6 weeks and we'll see in a year. She said why can't you just be mean to me I am used to that (but this nice person is my true self that has been hidden for a year). She says she will go to therapy once the divorce is final, but that seems backwards. I have friends telling me what I want to hear and others telling me the exact opposite. She has her Mom and Dad basically living with her to help with the kids and her Dad has said we can't see her is pain anymore.
So my I am not sure if this is the forum, but can this workshop really help both of us come to grips with what is happening. I am not saying being married is the best for us, I am just wanting to slow the process down and try all of our options before jumping.
I am new to the site so I apologize up front for perhaps mis-stepping.
I have been served with Divorce papers along with a No Contact stipulation. I have two sons 9 and 11 and love them dearly. Over the past year I had some serious side effects from a Allergy drug, was recently diagnosed with extremely low testosterone at 41, and extremely low Vitamin D. I have letter from my doctor saying that these all contributed to my behavioral issues. These made me quick to anger,wicked mood swings, and anxiety. I know this is not an excuse so I am also seeing a therapist once a week for the past 7 weeks and identified that these medications caused me to have a severe depression, which caused me to wall off from my wife and not listen to her begging for me to get help.
Since she filed I have done serious personal reflection and determined that I have to make significant life changes. I am no longer taking that medication, I am getting testosterone injections, and Vitamin D medication. I can honestly say I feel better than I have both physically and mentally than I have in 5 years for sure. I have had several co-workers, friends, and family comment on how I am back to my old self, but my wife wants to see none of it. She told me that she is glad for me but its too late, that anyone can change for 6 weeks and we'll see in a year. She said why can't you just be mean to me I am used to that (but this nice person is my true self that has been hidden for a year). She says she will go to therapy once the divorce is final, but that seems backwards. I have friends telling me what I want to hear and others telling me the exact opposite. She has her Mom and Dad basically living with her to help with the kids and her Dad has said we can't see her is pain anymore.
So my I am not sure if this is the forum, but can this workshop really help both of us come to grips with what is happening. I am not saying being married is the best for us, I am just wanting to slow the process down and try all of our options before jumping.
Sorry you are having to deal with this,,, I know that DR and this site has certainly helped me personally. My H still wants a D but there are wonderful people here who will help YOU become that better person that you are wanting to be.
You might want to copy your above post and paste it in the newcomers section and start a thread there. You will get a lot more replies!
CW
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Not sure if this is the right thread to post on but here goes..I have been married for 11 years, 2 children (one from previous marriage) My H said he wanted d two months ago and we separated. He has said this in the past but never left. He texts me that the relationship is over, and I will survive, he has made his decision and will live with it, but then says he is not mentally right, right now, says he is in a dark place. says he was miserable, unhappy and sad. We have had financial issues for the last few years which he is not used to. When we talk on the phone he says he is not ready to call it quits and doesnt want to make a rash decision. I really dont know where to start. at first i begged and he just was cruel via text message, but face to face he was more optimistic. now I dont contact him unless to do with visitation of our d. He is also Step dad to my oldest which he seems lost as to what to do there. I am so confused, i do not want a d, I didnt know this in the beigining but I know I want to work this out.
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
Just 7 days ago my husband had taken me out to dinner. When we got home, I was outside in the truck looking for a paper. He came out, asked what I was doing, I told him, then with his hands in his pocket, said "I think its times for you to move out". I was devistated. Here we were on the front lawn, just back from a dinner I thought was going well, and he asked me to move out. I cried, i cried hard, i asked why, he said he thinks this is for the best, the best for me, and the best for the kids. I just didn't know what to do. I packed my bags and went to a friends. Later I returned. I said that I loved him and the family, and I think we can make this work. My plan was to go straight to bed. The next thing he said tore me up and I just started in, started crying, asking questions and so forth. He said that it was fine and dandy, but he wanted me out of the house in a few weeks, by Labor day. Because I would not go, he left, spent the night at a friends house. The next day i found out he was at a mutual friends house and he has been there all week. We tried to talk. Used I statements and so forth. But the most heart wrenching statement he made was " I am tired of not liking you". I just don't know what went wrong. The only thing I could think of was my being layed off 4 years ago and losing a great job with great benefits, and now I have a job that pays more but no benefits. I just don't know. He said he exhausted options and hope. Please help! I send him Good morning messages and Goodnight messages every day. I also send him jokes, and recent news. The kids live with me, and they don't seem affected. Should I just hang back and let it run its course or what?
Hi, I just read the first part if DR and am wondering if it can be purchased as a digital download anywhere? If not can it be brought off any site other than amazon? Every time I have tried to buy anything off there, it tells me they can not post to my postcode.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Okay thanks. A digital download would have been awesome. I'll have to search some book stores for it.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Okay, I just found some second hand on eBay. I'll have to set up an account tonight. We had a joint eBay account but I don't want to use that. what a mess.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
I purchased the book Sunday night and finished it today. I couldn't put the book down. It brings me hope, which is something I have lost these past few weeks. I will read it over and over.
H: 35 W: 37 S: 7 T: 10 M: 8 OM: Apr. 29 2012 PA: Aug. 31 2012 DWord: July 29 2012 DWord on hold since Sept. 23 2012 DB'n Since October 8 2012
I purchased DR a 3-4 days ago and I've read 65 pages thus far. I have a quick question for the vets: Is DR geared for couples who are who live in the same household? What about couples who are separated and live in different cities? Is there any hope for such couples? I had posted my story a few days ago, but it hasn't shown up on the forums yet. Hopefully the mods will clear it soon. I'm desperately in need of some help.
This is amazing. I read the first chapter and I feel as if this is exactly what I am doing that only pushes my wife away more. I cannot wait for it to arrive in the mail tomorrow!
My H had expressed to her that he doesn't want to work on M, but he wants to remain friends( because I'm his best friend) Even though she sees a lot of love and caring between the two of us " he's adamant that he only loves you as a friend" the best thing for me to do at this time is to accept that fact.
From what I see this is only available in hard or soft cover I sure wish a digital was available. I'm going to buy it and just has it shipped to a PO box that I have take care of for a club that I belong to is there any other books that I should get with it to get the most help. I but a 18 month thing on me fixing this and saving my marriage but I've used 13 of them up just trying to get a hold of my emotions witch I still dont have good control of and by buying self help book that have done nothing to help me at all
Michele's newest book - HEALING FROM INFIDELITY:The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair will be available on January 30, 2017: http://www.healingfrominfidelity.com/
what a mess.