Anger, resentment, and pain is not in the equation on this choice. I'm not going to do it for payback, or to run away.
I do need to talk to a L.
I will not take our S back without her consent, and documents stating such consent. If she insists on keeping him here with her there may not be much I can do about it. I don't wish to fight her over it. I don't want my S spending lots of time in the care of a "stranger"/babysitter either.
It has been a noble thing to sacrifice my career and desire to be near family. To what end? Why? For my S? I could argue that life for him would be better if I make this choice. It is where we (W, S, and I) want to be anyway. We are only here for her career advancement. Would I sacrifice myself in this way for a friends career? I certainly would for my S. But am I doing a good thing for him by staying here?
I had the talk with W. It went something like this.
W- "Well I got the final word that I will not be getting the transfer"
Me- "I'm sorry. I'm sure that's disapointing."
W- "I'm fine with it. How about you?"
Me- "I'm disappointed. I was very excited about the possibility of us going back home."
W- "Well I told you not to get your hopes up."
Me- "I know. I feel like it is fair to tell you that I am still thinking seriously about returning."
W- "What? What has changed? You have been so supportive lately? I don't understand."
Me- "I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking. You can think about it and get back with me about your feelings on the matter and your thoughts on how we could handle S."
W- "I get it. You are ready to go. You got your hopes up and don't want to give that up. You feel like you are putting your life on hold for me. I understand. But I think you should think about S.
Me- "I am not taking this lightly. I have thought about S, and I would like it if he came back with me. He will have friends and family for support."
W- "So you want to take S back while I stay here?
Me- "I just want you to think about it. That's all. Lets talk it over after you have some time."
The conversation went well. No raised voices. Friendly in tone. So the next day she calls me at noon.
W- "Yeah, I've been thinking about it."
Me- "Ok."
W- "When do you plan on leaving?"
Me- "Well that depends. I'm kinda flexible. If S is coming back too, I would like to wait until Christmas break."
W- "Well that's not gonna happen. I think a child needs their mother. Particularly at his age."
Me- "I agree with that."
W- "Can you stay until May?"
Me- "I was thinking before the end of the year."
W- "We will have to come up with some sort of agreement before you leave. I will need some money to hire a nanny to stay over some nights and possibly pick up and drop off from school. I would like it if you stayed until May because I live in a different school district and I don't want him to have to change schools so soon. I could put him in a daycare over summer so he could make new friends here before the switch."
Me- "We can come up with something. But no. I am not thinking about staying until May.
So she has the dillusion that him staying here with her is a better atmosphere for a child than what I propose. She says a Mom who will be there some days is better than a Dad who will be there every day.
I'm frustrated at her logic but I have not shown it. I am trying not to present myself as the enemy.
That said I will be seeking legal advice tomorrow.
Hey PW, give her some more time to think it over...still go see L, but she my need more time...I know it takes my W a couple weeks to go through her thought processes with something important. Over the years I have learned that at least with my W, there is always an initial resistance (even when she wasn't in mlc), so I plant seeds and wait for her to get "comfortable" with the change, idea, etc.
Of course she is a Mom, and doesn't want to be away from her child, this is to be expected (and if she didn't want to be with S, that would be something to worry about). So see where she is at maybe end of week, or early next....I am sure she is consulting with her family and all, looking at the work sitch, and maybe will see a L as well.
You have time, don't rush her, yet.
Awesome job with the conversation man!
You are in a different place, it's good to see your growth!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I wanna say good job handling the conversation!!! I'm still in the process of learning how to do that. I thought it was easy, but it certainly is not!!
You are right. I would be more worried about her if she didn't want to be with S.
All in all, it went as I expected. And I see her side. Kinda. I just think she has unfair expectations of me. Why does she feel that what she wants to do trumps all others?
I will give it time.
I felt good about the convo. I felt the blood rush a couple times but quickly got myself together.
W invited me to lunch as a family today. I walked in to an ambush.
W asked me if I still planed on moving.
I said yes.
She tells me she wants a payment of X amount every week, I can have Thanksgiving, and a month of summer vacation. That she no longer has any intentions of moving back home. She may, one day, but is happy here.
I told her that I don't agree to her terms but we can figure it out.
She then says that she wants to figure it out NOW. That if I don't give her what she wants she will file for sole custody and I will have to pay her more and will get less time. That they always side with the mother, and she will get exactly what she wants. I should just agree to her terms and avoid expensive legal fees.
So I said (perhaps foolishly) "why do you want to avoid the legal system? Why havn't you filed for D already?"
She then tells me it is because she is not a legal resident of her current state.
This is something that I have let slide past me. When she moved out she moved just accross the state line.
Do I have some kind of upperhand now? Did she let something slip?
I know I've got to talk to a L.
Her child support figure is above the legal requirement. In her state, mine, and our home state.
So I don't think she has seen a L and is pulling this all out of what she thinks the law is and should be.
I am cool. Kind of excited. Mostly just eager to seek legal advise. I have put it off for too long.
W brought S over this morning. She was still huffy. I don't know where it is coming from as I havn't attacked her. Don't care. Her problem.
She asked had I talked with S about my moving. I told her I had not and she said that I should.
I talked to him. He said something like "That sounds great. I can see all of our family and old friends when I'm with you half the week and then I can see Mom the other half."
I told him that it will be good to see everyone, but we will not be able to spend half our time together and half our time with Mom. Its just too far away. Me and Mom will figure it out and its nothing for him to worry about. I told him he is the most special thing that me and Mom have. And we both love him very much.
He then teared up and said he wanted to go with me. That we have more fun together. All Mom likes to do is stay inside and go shopping. So we had a little cry together.
I'm sure he would say the same (tell her he wants to stay with her) to his Mom. It felt heartbreaking and really good at the same time.
She was still huffy. I don't know where it is coming from as I havn't attacked her.
No, you haven't. My guess is that you did the un-expected, that she hadn't thought through everything (as evidenced by her assumptions that she would get whatever she wanted, etc, if it went to L and you didn't go with HER plan), and now you are "making" her look at the ramifications of your sitch...damn dude, her bubble is popped, you put sand in her crank case...
Quote:
Her problem.
Exactly.
I do know that its common for the WAS to expect the LBS to stay exactly where they were, and when we move forward, well, there goes the skittles-crapping unicorn....
Now she has to think through everything, and look at herself...many are uncomfortable with doing that. She'll be huffy for a while, or longer, who knows.
You are doing great!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi pulpwood. Im sorry her transfer didnt work out, that would have been the best situation.
I think you have done very well so far, but I really, really want to warn you about discussing, or even entertaining the notion of returning without your son.
That would be sacrificing both you and your son, for what? For her job, her new lifestyle. How has sacrificing for her gone for you. You sacrificed a lot so your wife could move and have her new job. How did she repay you once she was at that job? Sacrificing your location for her job is one thing, its a whole other thing to sacrifice your son for her job. Sacrificing might help you avoid feelings of conflict or guilt for now. Small comfort if you are paying support through your nose for 14 years and your son is calling her boyfriend de jour "dad".
If this is not what you want, then you have a choice; 1) you stay where you are in the status quo or 2) you take your son back home with you. This obviously will mean a custody fight. This will not be pleasant, but I really think you are in a good situation to succeed if that is what you choose to do.
I do caution you not to shoot yourself in the foot by making a huge mistake.
One huge mistake would be discussing or considering verbally, or heaven forbid, in writing (even texting/emailing) that you are OK with leaving your son. You do that then she has some serious ammo and probably can win. If you have already done this, then you need to immediately make it clear, and documented, that you will not give up more than 50% custody no matter what. If it starts a fight with your wife....at this point....so what.
Another mistake is letting her file custody in her state (state 3) before you. Judges will almost always side with status quo, and they like to keep kids close rather than send them out of state. If you are still in state 2, and your wife files custody in state 3, then you will be playing defense in state 3. If you file custody in state 1, then she is on the defensive in state 1. And you have a million advantages in state 1. Its far better if you guys can work out custody yourselves and avoid this mess, but make sure you dont get caught flat footed with her filing in state 3 when you are still in state 2. She already told you show would file for custody, I would take that at face value.
I suggest you slow down on the moving talk with her until you make a decision, and have undertaken all actions needed to fulfill your decision.
If you want to stay put, then I guess there isnt really anything to do. If you want to go home, then you need to shop around for lawyers in state 1, interview several and search for fathers' rights specialists. Get things set up back there. Get a support network there.
Pushing her now will get her to file custody in state 3 before you are ready, so you need to stop pushing her, and get yourself ready.
