Thanks, everyone for your thoughts and comments. I have to admit, I was surprised by his response, too. It's so opposite of the picture he's been giving me of his feelings for the past eight months. Even as recently as 8/21 he was saying he wanted to stay separated.
That is why I shall remain cautious.
Accuray, his reference to feeling like a victim could be many things. He had it in his mind that he was in the middle of me and his D22 (and he was) so that could be it. However, he feels sorry for himself A LOT so it could be many things, from as simple as me not going with him somewhere to me buying a condo he really didn't want.
I will send him the other 34 things on my list. He changed my number one from "most important relationship" in his life to "putting my wife first". He said he misplaced the email with the exact item.
I don't want to be first, per se. I want US to be first. I don't want him to love me more or always let me have my way. I just want a mate who respects the marriage and makes sure the other people in his life understand that he and I are together, in a circle of marriage, and they are outside of that, in their own lives.
The remaining 34 items will help explain to him how that importance can be achieved...I hope.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I really should have said I would need a difibulator and an oxygen mask if I got that type of email from my H. The VM he left me yesterday almost did that to me.
Good luck with the other 34. I'm glad you picked up on the re-wording of your wish and what your statement actually meant to you. Do you think that could be a follow up discussion?
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I don't want to be first, per se. I want US to be first. I don't want him to love me more or always let me have my way. I just want a mate who respects the marriage and makes sure the other people in his life understand that he and I are together, in a circle of marriage, and they are outside of that, in their own lives.
LOL! CV, you, too, make me laugh! i am on a DIVORCE BUSTING forum, remember?! ;-)
hopeful, i'm sure there will be follow-up emails. i don't feel i can trust H completely. i'm not sure he knows or is capable of being what i need. after 16 years of being in a marriage that was pretty much devoted to making his life and the life of his kids a priority (disney land), can someone really be happy with sharing?
that will be what i have to have. i can't go back to the way it was. it made me a bitter, resentful person.
i'll explain number one to him and how i feel about it when i send him 2-35. he'll have a lot to think about.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I don't want to be first, per se. I want US to be first. I don't want him to love me more or always let me have my way. I just want a mate who respects the marriage and makes sure the other people in his life understand that he and I are together, in a circle of marriage, and they are outside of that, in their own lives.
I love how you put that! That's exactly what I want and could never figure out how to say it. I'm not a princess; I just want us to be a team. It's not that I don't like his friends, but they're not in our "circle of marriage".
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Well said, sweet. I feel the same way but all of my statements in the past to H came out like "We don't spend time together" or "you don't spend enought time with me", which made me look selfish and I like I wanted to be the center of attention.
I also would like my H's friends to understand that we are in a circle of marriage and that they are outside of that. That's a further in the future goal.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
well, i sent H the remaining list of things i need in a mate, should i have one. this is his response: "I wanted to let you know that I opened your attachment ( I was a little nervous) last night before leaving and read through it a couple of times last night. :(, it seems that I have been truly horrible to you, for that I am so sorry. Thank you for telling me all of it, though. I need to know all of it. I will promise you this, to read again, 5 a night, and work those 5 through my head until I complete…
Thank you again. I am sure it was hard for you to say to me so thank you again..."
i, again, was surprised by his response. he is obviously thinking about some of his responsibility in the mess we've made of our marriage. however, i wonder how his position can change so quickly? maybe he feels like i did when i became the LBS; i would have done anything to keep our marriage together. but i was not even ready back then. i hadn't grown enough nor learned enough.
what worries me is i have never really given him an in-depth look at how miserable i was, as he gave me in his spew after the bomb. i didn't want to give him a "tit for tat" grocery list of grievances that would seem purely defensive. but without that, how can he know what i need? my list of mate qualities is not really specific.
should i let him read my writings on things that caused me to pull away from him? some are sad, some are angry, some contain both emotions.
or should i do it with a MC present, should this all lead to R?
opinions greatly appreciated.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I think it's a good start that he has read and is focusing on your list of needs. Bottomline, if he can't address those, then the grievances are sort of irrelevant.
At minimum, I don't think I'd share that much just yet. I'm afraid you might just overwhelm him. He's on the right path, and I don't think you want to scare him off.
