Needing some guidance... 6

[zig]

Hi jks - I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine, because when my h merely suggested ow and my s meeting I thought i was going to die.

I can only offer you what helped me and hope that it can help you too

Just tell yourself to let it go. Literally lean into it and embrace it completely - not agree with it but just god's will.

It's really hard - but the more you fight it the more you will suffer. and when you suffer, then you cannot use your head, then only your emotions are at the top and then you are not taking care of yourself as you truly need to.

actually when i just said, it's ok, my biggest fear is here and i am just going to be okay with it, what's the worst that can happen - i found that it was not as bad as i thought it would feel. jks - i didn't have to actually go through with experiencing it, because my h brought it up and there was time to work with it. but i think that with you if you just tell yourself that this is NOT your worst fear - and i am sure your actual worst fears are much much different from this - this is just your worst fear in this sitch

to accept that it may happen, i had to understand and see that my s was not going to be irreparably damaged if he met ow. face your fear here and see what is behind it. even them moving in together is just part of the script, in a way.

right now, the ONLY important thing is what are YOU going to do about this? when you let go and let god, when you let go and let the universe - only then can good things happen for you - you have to allow that for yourself now.

give yourself that gift - give yourself the gift of imagining what is really good for you. give yourself the gift of saying i can see the forest (my life, ME, what i truly need) instead of looking at the tangled trees (him and ow). make their relationship irrelevant to YOU.

make jks relevant.

I've got a couple of lists on my current thread - if you can go read them - there's one about the 10 things you have to do in order to let go - just start doing them. come over to the goals thread and i'll help you make a list of goals to keep you focused.

now you have to focus - away - to other things and setting some goals will give you a tiny little nudge of encouragement for yourself. you will feel yourself taking tiny steps and that will help you focus and help you feel better.if you can't get to making all this irrelevant, then ACT AS IF you are feeling like that and i promise you before you know it you will feel it.

now will you come sit on the blanket with us, and we'll help you drop the rope, and feed you lot's of booze and i'll bring your favorite dessert, if you tell me what it is . you won't feel lonely there because we will all be with you and help you through this

I read today that when you start having faith in yourself, then others begin to have faith in you.

do you have faith in yourself, jks? can you feel it? can you feel the faith that no matter what life gives you, you can handle it? i really really have come to believe that life only hands us stuff when we are ready to deal with it. and when we first get it, we panic because we don't trust that we can handle it.

here is where the trust in yourself has to come to the surface - just tell yourself all day long - "I trust that I can handle this. I trust that i am strong enough to support my babies through this. I trust that i am strong enough to face this"

one thing i didn't notice was whether you and your h prepared your kids for this transition in anyway before they go there tomorrow. if he hasn't, i hope that you will.

jks - i'm around for a bit tonight so if you need someone to talk to i'm here and elsewhere

be kind and gentle to yourself now, and for the coming days - and trust that these strong emotions will pass.

((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))
zig

[jks]

I have been contemplating all night how I can get the money to file. I'm ready. Seriously ready. If I could go do it tomorrow... I would.

[2chiquitos]

Zig gave you some great advice. What do you plan to do with her advice? I'm curious.

[bustingout]

jks (((( ))))

i may be wrong but it seems this is still a decision coming out of a lot of emotion ...a lot of hurt.

i know you are in pain....however, if this is your decision, IMHO i would suggest to sit on it for awhile.

Like zig said, H and OW are irrelevant right now. this is about YOU and your children. and no one else.

Love you jks..hope you are doing better today (((( ))))

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I agree with zig.

I also had a hard time dealing with "family" I didn't want my kids to go through this horrible process.

You're young and have great kids, dont waste your time on someone who doesn't value your friendship/

Life is short, find someone who wants to be with you for who you are.

[jks]

but i think that with you if you just tell yourself that this is NOT your worst fear - and i am sure your actual worst fears are much much different from this - this is just your worst fear in this sitch

This actually has always been my worst fear. My H used to ask me what's your hopes, your dreams, your fears? My hope was to one day marry him. My dream was to spend the rest of my life with him. And my fear was losing him. These are still true today.

I am truly living my worst nightmare. I try to sleep and I dream about it and wake up emotionally exhausted and I think about it all day. I don't sleep well at all. I'm miserable right now.

When I saw H today, he could tell something was wrong and he asked me what was up... I just sat there for a minute, thinking. After a while I just said, nothing, it doesn't matter. My eyes started watering and I immediately got in my car and left. I balled the entire way home and all I could think about is, I don't matter. Nothing I say matters. No one cares about what I think about this whole situation. It's just whatever my H wants. He gets everything he wants and I am left alone. I get the joy of hearing about all the wonderful things H and OW do for the kids and the new home that they got together. I don't know what else to say other than... I'm ready to be done with my life now.

I really have tried so hard to embrace this. I kept telling myself... this is how it's supposed to be. But if this is how it's supposed to be, then I am done. I have so much work to do and I can't bring myself to do any of it. I feel so paralyzed in this sadness.

These emotional cycles are killing me. I don't see a way out of it. I just see myself wanting to be married to him and wanting to work it out. I just feel so much that our family deserves that. I can't let go and it frustrates the hell out of me that I can't just let it all go.

H informed me that he's been trying to save up enough money to file. That is the reason he hasn't done anything yet. I'm just an afterthought now. Well, I pretty much have the life I want, just need to get rid of one last thing. Oh, yeah, the wife.

This is not a way to live a life. You can call me weak but I'm so tired of trying to be strong. I am triggered by this in everything I do. It's all around me. I can't escape it. And just when I think I'm going to be fine, it hits me all over again so hard and I start to fall.

[scaredsilly]

jks, this is so terrible to read about. i've felt like that, too. it's agony, pure and simple. i'm so, so sorry for you. i feel your misery. i wish there were something i could say to make you feel better but i think we just have to get through it. we have to decide that it's really over and there's nothing more we can do.

that's the only way i could move forward.

get all your crying out and then start planning. you may not have a future as your H's wife but, you do have a future and you will be happy again.

xoxo

[BklynMom]

Jks what you are going through is agony. What your h is doing is dispicable. Most r

[2chiquitos]

You're feeling very raw. After the rawness you will slowly heal. It's a vicious cycle. I completely understand how desperate you feel. You have absolutely no control. Nothing we say will help.

Find something you do have control of. For now start to obsess about it. Something that won't require too much damage control after.

Look up the most healing practices.
I think it's yoga, meditating and gardening are the top 3. Obsess over all 3 of them. Get the self esteem workbook on amazon.

Build jks back up again. Stop allowing others to tear her down. She's a phenomenal person!

We're all here for you. Many many hugs!!!

[BklynMom]

(Too bad my whole post above from my phone got wiped out).

Please know this is not you. No matter what you did you did not deserve this behavior from your H. He made a commitment to you when you exchanged vows that he has totally disregarded. He made a commitment to your children when he made them to stick it out with their mother.

Please find a support group at home either through church or a group like alanon. Sometimes our regular friends don't get it, reach out to a group that supports these kinds of sitchs.

We love you. You are blessed with 3 healthy beautiful children. There are many mothers out there struggling with sick children. count your blessings.