CV, thanks for looking in. my DIL said pretty much the same thing. vero, i get what you're saying. i think a part of me wants him to FEEL the pain i felt. it would also give him a clearer picture of what his D22 is really like.
but, it would not be the right thing to do if i'm really trying to be a better person. at least, not now.
i think the time to let him know about all of it, if i do, will be when there's no anger about it left. if there's still anger, my motives are probably "pay back".
thank you both for helping me make the right choice.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
hi SS - i really like your answer - and that is something i needed to hear also - that if there's anger there, then it's more about payback and wanting the other to suffer like you did, rather than just info, which it should be.
i have been following along, keeping up - i love the way you are quietly guiding this - with no sense of urgency or need for yourself. it's really nice to watch.
hope you have a lovely day, SS ((((((( ))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
should i let him read my writings on things that caused me to pull away from him? some are sad, some are angry, some contain both emotions.
or should i do it with a MC present, should this all lead to R?
My personal recommendation would be to keep that private. That's your journaling and it is for you. Don't ever read it to him. He's making progress, but don't push too hard. Let him set the pace.
i agree SS. You are bringing to your posts a real sense of calm, with no urgency and it is really soothing to all of the loud banging panic going through my head right now!
Hope you are well.
:-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
hi SS, i love how you are approaching this. at some point, i think that it is important to look forward as in, how do we prevent this from happening again versus rehashing the past. i think that a good MC can help you make those choices. (((((((((((( ))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
thank you so much, zig, busting, and grace. your opinion of me means a lot because i respect you all so much. you are strong women facing what life has given you and yet, you help others so much.
it is nice not to feel the anxiety and panic of my earlier days in this sitch. i really feel i have all the time in my remaining life to figure out what i want and need. i think life will open itself up to me and show me and i'm patient. i'm not going anywhere.
thank you for looking in on me and giving me encouragement.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
H is being very thoughful. i still will not see him or talk on the phone with him so all is through text or email. i can tell he is trying.
i had previously asked him not to text or email personal things. i also told him that i no longer needed to know when he would be going out of town. i had asked him several months ago to let me know since i have very few (only S and DIL) people i can call on if i need help or have an emergency.
well, today, he sent me a text saying he knows i told him he didn't have to let me know but he felt he had to. he then let me know he would be going out of town and where and when it would be.
he also takes texts about things to do with the house and uses the opportunity to praise me or tell me how much he respects and admires my ablilities at solving problems.
since admitting that he has treated me horribly, i guess he's now more conscience of my worth in his life (and, maybe to him).
it feels pretty good. i foresee problems in the future, though. should we R, i'm not too sure of how to let him know that i don't feel about his family and kids as i did before and that i'm pretty much done with being so involved in their lives.
he has two birthdays coming up (S25 and D23)and of course, Christmas. i don't want my name on any cards or presents. i also don't want any presents from them. it may sound petty, but for years they have failed to thank me for our gifts to them, for the most part. to them, it's as if everything comes from "Dad". i've made significant contributions to the gifts and equal contributions, financially. i don't want to have my feelings hurt anymore.
them telling him to thank me is also not good enough for me anymore. we usually spend $1,000 on his three kids for Christmas and they each get $100 for birthdays. last Christmas, the two boys (then 24 and 26) "went together" to get me an $8 jar opener. they never get me a birthday present (not that i expect one) and they don't call me on my birthday or on mother's day. neither of them thanked me for the past Christmas gifts nor for their birthday money. yet, every birthday of theirs, i also call them to wish them a happy birthday.
even his mother, on her birthday this past june, got her $100 and told him to thank me. only the D(22 at the time), sent me a "text" thanking me for one of her christmas gifts she got a little early (dining room table and two chairs for her apartment). nothing later about the remaining gifts. not even a text, which i consider really bad manners, anyway, and minimal effort. we subsidize this D's rent by $470 a month and we pay over $250/mo. for her and her brother's (24) health insurance premiums.
for the first 11 years we were married, i had to make major sacrifices to help pay the $1,400/mo. child support he was ordered to pay. (lots of wal-mart shopping for me for clothes.)
these are all people i've been giving and doing for for 16 years. i've spent much time and effort on all of them. i just can't anymore. i don't want to be a part of their "family" anymore because it means nothing to them, really. none of them have contacted me since BD.
i read on a stepparent forum something that really describes how i feel about them now:
"Don’t let someone become a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs."
that's how i feel now. any thoughts on how to convey this should i have to?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, I completely get your step-perspective. My situation was not even as bad as yours, or maybe it was just as bad but differently. In any case, I've landed pretty much where you have. I don't have the words for you to tell your H. I told mine, and I don't think there are any words that would have worked well on him. The minute there is any indication that you don't look upon the steps as God's gift to mankind, you become the problem. At least that's how it was for me.
You might want to figure this out sooner than later, especially if you think there's any possibility your H might not take it well. It might save you a whole lot of effort right off.
