Life is short. DB is not.

[pulpwood]

Recap.
W and I moved 13hrs away from our "home" almost a year ago for her job promotion. The stress of moving, selling our house, her mother passing, her new job, and my unemployment drove a wedge between us. W made it clear that she was "done" at the first of the year. We lived together as roomates until 3 months ago. We split time 50-50 with our S.

So in my last thread I left off with my W moving ever so slightly closer. I didn't play it cool, and she has run back to her hidey hole like the timid squirell the WAW is.

Contact the last couple of weeks has been very limited. I am ok with that. In some ways it is easier on the heart.

The most recent development of note: I asked W if she had any holiday plans lined out. That I was planning to take some time off to go back home to see family and wanted to take S with me.

To my suprise she said she planned on living back home by the first of November.

She had told me awhile back about a position back home that will be coming open. She said she would apply for it, but that it was highly unlikely that she would be allowed to transfer.

So she has been hot and cold to say the least about the possibility of getting this transfer.

A big part of me is very excited about the idea of moving back home.

A small part of me thinks that the added stress of moving, and taking on a new position will delay the chance of R, if there even is a chance.

So here it is all layed out there. I want to be back home like, yesterday. I only came here for W. For my family. I only stay here now so I can be close to my S. He is my world. I would not choose to live a life without him.

My parents have hinted that I should file for D and custody. That it takes two to make a M work and if W is not in it I should start moving on with my life.

Although I respect their opinion, I think I can move on with my life without filing for D or custody.

But it does put me in the predicament of waiting on W, and following her around. I have not come to terms with this. It leaves me feeling weak and powerless over my destinations.

Any thoughts?

[breakdownbill]

Hey PW

So here it is all layed out there. I want to be back home like, yesterday. I only came here for W. For my family. I only stay here now so I can be close to my S. He is my world. I would not choose to live a life without him.

I think this shows exactly what's important to you, being with your son as much as possible, where he goes is where you will go.

Whilst your W is seemingly in charge of where S lives, you are being dictated to. If your W wants to move back home, that's something you definitely want being closer to your friends and family.

Tough one this, ultimately your paternal instincts of wanting to be close to your son are understandably making it difficult to make a stand here.

One little bit of advice, don't do anything you are not ready to follow through on yet, wanting to be with your son is not a sign of weakness, you are just being a good dad.

Bill

[fade]

You feel powerless over your situation because you refuse to exercise any power over your situation. In reality, you have the upper hand and could have chosen to move your son home at any time. But the longer you stay, the harder it will be to move your son back to your home state. Sometimes 6months or 1 year are milestones for establishing residency, either officially or unofficially.
You previously said:
you made more money and had better career prospects "back home",
your and your wife’s family live back home – you have no family support in the new city,
your wife travels a significant portion of the time so you are by default the primary parent,
she has detached emotionally from you and to some extent your son,
she immediately started having an affair with an older, married coworker,
no one knows about her affair but you,
she moved out from your established home,
she started drinking and her new place is a mess,
she is lying/avoiding telling her family about the separation,
she has talked about moving back home but not made much effort to do so,

I look at these things and I think you have all of the power. If you wanted to, you could get primary custody, you could destroy her affair, you could ruin her job, you could move your son back home. You have the power to do any of these. You should definitely not feel “weak and powerless”. You have all the strength and power because she made a ton of bad decisions while you were just being a good dad. The choice really is up to you. You will decide which decision to make, and that is not being powerless.
So, if you do decide to move back home, then here is how you can do it:
1. Document how much time you have your son versus your wife, document things that you do that make you seem like the primary parent (overnights, contact with school, doctors appts, etc). Prove that you are the better parent, the primary parent by default. Show that due to her schedule, she cant be a sole parent – she needs you but you don’t need her.
2. Consult attorneys in your new and home locations and plan your course of action. Try to get any legal basis as a primary parent. If you get primary legal custody then, hurray, you’ve won. But this is a long shot. What you will probably have to do is just up and move home on your own volition. She then has three choices, a. Do nothing but hiss, yell and threaten, but she keeps her new single life and settles for occasional visitations back home, b. quit her job or get a transfer to follow you home, or c. file emergency custody orders to try to force you to return your son.

Which do you think she would do? I would put money on a, and once the shine of single life wears off, then b. Especially if she sees that choosing c is an uphill battle:
3. So, step 3 is make her potential fight an uphill battle. Create a position of strength to keep you son in your home city. Courts will side with preserving the status quo 10 to 1. Make the status quo be your son living in your home city. Slow play and delay legal proceedings. Make things expensive and difficult for your wife. Document why your son is better in your home location. Document your history there. Get a job or show your better career prospects. Get you and your son involved in school, community events, church etc. Reunite with his friends. Show how much family support there is. Get letters of support from your family, friends, schools, doctors, ministers etc.

Finally, go for the slam dunk: get her family on your side. You mentioned you have a very good relationship with your FIL and that your wife has either not mentioned or lied about the situation to them. Well, you talk to him man to man and set the record straight. Tell them the truth and show them evidence. She is not acting like herself. She all but abandoned you and your son after the move, she was going on trips with another man while you were unemployed and watching your son, she started drinking, her apartment is a mess, she detached not just from not just you but your son, you don’t know what is going on at her place but you are worried about him when he’s over there. Almost all grandparents will want what is best for their grandson when its clear their child is not behaving as a good parent, and what is best is that the grandson moves home near them. You can even make the case that moving home is what’s best for their daughter, too.

So, she can try to get a court to award her primary custody. But that would mean: moving the child, finding multi-day child care for when she is traveling (fat chance) or forcing her to find another job with flexibility and no travel, taking him away from all family support, going against the recommendations of important people in your son’s life, possibly your wife’s own family, ruining your career prospects.

All this so that your wife doesn’t have to move home. How do you think a judge would decide on this?

[pulpwood]

Nice post Fade.

You opened my eyes to an option I had not previously considered. Not in depth at least. I'm not a details type of guy. More of a generalist, so your step by step certainly helped unclear some fog.

I have a job waiting on me "back home". My choice of 3 actually.

I'm kind of a big deal. I have many leather bound books.

Just kidding I'm pretty humble.

Looks like my wishes, prayers, whathaveyou, may be answered. I'm 90% sure W is getting the transfer. I will know for certain in a couple of weeks.

Words can't describe how pumped I am. I'm ready to start packing.

W mentioned something about how we could load our 2 households into one moving van. I did not respond. She didn't ask for a response anyway, so it wasn't awkward. I have thought about this a little. I'm not sure I want to do that.

I will never use a moving company again. The movers were great and all. They took good care of our stuff. But they changed the pick-up date twice. Then they changed the delivery date twice. They ended up keeping our stuff a week and a half longer than they had told us. Anyway, they have got u by the balls. They have your stuff, and if you want it back you have to pay them. The law is on their side. I checked. And my experience happens pretty often.

So long story short, I will be moving my own stuff. I think W wants to throw her stuff in my U-Haul and split the cost.

On the one hand I see where it would be neighborly.

On the other, its not my problem how her stuff gets back. And I don't want to load it or unload it. Its not my stuff.

She will probably fume. Her folks will probably think its a jerk move. But I lean heavily toward "so what".

[TSquared2]

Hey PW,

I found your new thread...

Fade has a good post and point...you want to document all this but maybe save it for the "Last, last resort" technique (that's what I did and am doing). We do need to protect ourselves and our kids.

I am so happy for you that you may get to move back home.

That will certainly change the dynamics of all this...she won't be able to hide as well, if her family likes you, then they "may" have some influence on her, especially if they run more "traditional" wise...

That in mind, you may want to continue thinking about sharing the Uhaul. I have read several sitches here where being the neighborly, "best friend" has really helped turn things around. You know, honey, vinegar, flies...

Also, doing a "project" together with a common goal (getting back home) can be bonding (my W and I are doing that to good effect lately, as long as I am patient)...but then again it can also be a disaster...YMMV.

Just some things to consider.

I'm liking the stronger PW, btw...

Make sure to feel THROUGH the anger and not get bitter or resentful...


T^2

[pulpwood]

I have been documenting things since this started.

Her family does like me. Her closest family members (dad and both sets of grandparents) have called me after she told them we were seperating. Perhaps they were looking for details and a juicy story, which they did not get. From me anyway. They said I was "family", they hoped we could work things out, W must be going thru alot, could they do anything for me, call them anytime if needed. It was touching as I did not expect that.

I just told them I appreciate them being there. That I too hoped we could work things out. W wants space and I'm giving it to her. I want her to be happy.

I did not and have not reached out to them. It has crossed my mind in a weak moment or two. To ask what is she thinking now. Does she have plans for a D? Sometimes I just want some insider info. As I'm certain she does not want to work on us, but she has not mentioned a D.

All of her mail is still coming to my house. Her checking and savings acct is still the joint accts we shared from our home town. I have the accts that we started in our new city.

I've become more detached. It feels good. Empowering.

W stayed over at my house last night. I didn't get in till 10:00pm bc of travel for work. She had to leave at 5:00am for travel. It was what she came up with to solve the logistics of child care. I thanked God for the gift of having my family under one roof again. I slept like a baby.

We talked about our week and the week to come. W complained about waking up with a crick in her neck. Said it had bothered her a little most of the day. I offered to massage it and she gladly accepted. This is the most intimate we have been in months. At the risk of sounding like a wierdo, I will admit that I got a lot of pleasure (not in "that" way) just feeling the softness of her skin again. After that I went to bed and she slept on the couch.

I had S after school today but W came by later to pick him up. She stayed and talked for an hour which is quite a bit longer than usual.

I'm not all rev'ed up about it. I appreciate the moment for what it is.

I have actualy thought alot lately about getting some legal separtation papers. I bought her out of some property we have when she moved out. I need to get that straightened out legally.

[pulpwood]

W called today and said that she heard word through some back channels that she wasn't going to get the transfer. She was quite upset. I listened to her vent for a while before I got another call from work and had to let her go.

Needless to say, I'm a little let down. Not too much though.

I'm thinking about proceeding on with my plans to move back home anyway.

Things are good between us. This would likely rock the boat.

This is what I have in mind.

"W, I'm sorry this transfer fell through for you. I was really excited. After thinking about it I have decided to move back as we had planned. It is the right thing for ME. I am ready to listen to any ideas you have about how to work things out once you have time to think about it."

I am going to think on this for the rest of the week before I say anything to her about it.

My thoughts right now are.
- Fade is right. What is she gonna do? Keep S here with her and hire a sitter for the 3 days a week she is on the road?
- I will be just fine with her staying here and me having all responsibility for S back home.
- I expect nothing, maybe even negative consequences in regards to our R if I choose to do this. I want to do it anyway.
- There is risk involved. The risk of not seeing my S for a while. I don't like this. At all. I think this risk is small. I believe that she might just be selfish enough to stay here and keep him here as well. But I don't think this would last for long without anyone she can rely on for help.

Risky business. Got to think on it. Any and all thoughts are appreciated

[TSquared2]

Hi PW,

All I have to offer is to think, make sure your decision isn't overly influenced by any anger/resentment/hurt, and then think it through again. You know best what's best for you...

A couple things about what you plan on saying (my additions in italics, not necessary for emphasis):

"W, I'm sorry this transfer fell through for you. I was really excited for all of us. After thinking about it I have decided to move back as we had planned. It is the right thing for ME and S will have both of our families close and involved in his life, adding to it.. I am ready to listen to any ideas or feelings you have about how to work things out once you have time to think about it."

Just my thoughts there, make sure to get in the benefits for S...

I am liking your positive strength I am hearing in your posts, and that you see the risks, and accept that they exist.

You have come a long way man!



T^2

[TSquared2]

One other thought...I am sorry it didn't work out for W's work, that would have made things so much easier...but you know what is said about easy things, difficult things and which is more worthwhile...

Both you and W are being asked to make some difficult choices it appears...both of you will have to look at yourselves and what really matters in life.

Make the best choices.

[longrun]

I have a job waiting on me "back home".

I like your plan of moving back home. Do what is right for you, and the rest will fall into place.