well, maybe you can just tell him? you're not ready to listen to his life now. you don't mean to offend but it's better for you if you know less about him now. you may feel differently in the future but for now, you need to protect yourself from sadness and pain and hearing about things that are happening in his life, without sharing that life, are painful.
there's no shame or meanness in that.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
no advice as I am so new to all this - 3 days ago my husband left, but just wanted to send a smile as I hear your pain and heartache. For me when I wake up at 3am in uncontrollable tears and that ache that just feels like it will never go away, I try to breathe, slowly and deeply and close my mind to the past and the future and say over and over again 'I am ok'. I know how hard it is to put a brave face on and pretend the whole friend this is ok when inside you feel like you are dying and fighting back the tears takes the most incredible effort. Stay strong, remember that everything, even this huge pain and sadness passes. In time you will feel better than you do now, whatever happens, you WILL feel better than this. Ride the storm, hold yourself tightly and keep swimming - say to yourself 'I refuse to sink!' Take care,
(((jks))) You don't have to be his friend. You can be friendly without being his friend. Tell him you don't want to hear his stories. My guess would be he's trying to normalize this as it makes it easier on him. It's not your job to make his life easier.
It is your job to keep busy while your kids are gone. Make plans to do something fun, that you'll look forward to. Take a class, go to a movie, volunteer somewhere.
You can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
you CAN do this. try to always plan something for yourself when its his time with the kids.
I completely understand about the friend thing. I find myself avoiding hearing about his life because its too painful. I don't want to know where he is or what he is doing because i only imagine it all with OW.
I am friendly, i don't think we are friends. i think a friendship in the future may be a place to start, but thats another long road. All we can do is be our best selves, protect ourselves and be the best US we can be in the face of our spouses.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I'm not gonna lie... I get super depressed when my kids are gone. I just spent the night walking around outside balling my eyes out and finally sat on a curb for about 30 minutes, balling some more. Someone finally pulled over to see if I needed a ride and if I was ok.
I am so sorry you're going through this!!! I really feel for you because it was just a couple of weeks ago that my W's first visitation started and I went through my first evening without my kids. The house was so utterly empty, I sat in the living room and cried my eyes out. What helped me was to get busy doing stuff, after I had a good cry I got up and went grocery shopping, then did what I could to stay occupied the rest of the evening. I don't know if you have any pets, but my little dog made sleeping in an empty house a lot more bearable. I have the kids again this week so I'm in heaven again But the time away from them is really tough.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this...the good news is that you found a great resource quickly. There are so many wonderful folks that are so willing to share their wisdom and trials. I also highly suggest that you speak to a Divorce Busting coach, as they are experts in helping you to come up with a specific plan on how to move forward in a way that is most likely to bring your husband closer and not further away. This is is the time to get on the right track before to much time goes by and in addition you can also use the resources on the board. I would love to talk to you further. Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
JKS - I am so sorry that you are going thru this... I am a little farther down the road in my situation, but it's still hard with H. I know exactly what you are feeling when you interact with your H. Plus it doesn't help that we have young kids and we have to see our Hs often.
In my case, at first I thought I was strong enough to do the friend thing with him. I was not at all. Anything he would share with me was like a dagger because like you, I just felt the pain of knowing that I was no longer sharing whatever he was talking about with him. Sometimes I could smile and say "cool" and then cry for hrs. after he left. Others, I know my resentment and pain came thru in front of him and many times it would trigger an argument or cold exchange.
I finally told him I couldn't be his friend and asked him to please make no reference of OW to me. I finally realized that he only wanted to feel better by normalizing our R and being "friends." But friends do not treat people like our Hs have and quite frankly, right now we are not in their radar. They don't care about us and that is not being a friend.
It was hard (and counter-intuitive) to go dim on him at first, but it was so helpful for my own healing and for actually starting to detach. I am not completely there, but I realize now that I am always more calm and happy when I don't have to see him or talk to him. There is less drama in my life and I am becoming stronger every day, which in turn allows me to act differently when he is around.
I am still grieving the loss of my best friend, but I know now that I would have not been able to heal at all without letting him go.
As for what our future R will look like, I do hope we can co-parent effectively, but I also realize it will be hard to get beyond that... Right now I still cannot see myself being friends while OW is in the picture. But time will tell.
Please - take care of yourself and protect yourself from more pain. Remember - put the oxygen mask on first before attempting to put it on others. Do it for yourself and your amazing kids. You all deserve it!!!
(((((jks)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
i agree with the posts above.. it may not be time to hear about his life, i know that i can not do that right now with my STBXW. it tears me up too much and i am doing what is best for me right now.
is there a way to make the exchanges short and act as if you are busy and don't have time to chat?
there is so much more out there for you jks, for all of us.. i tell myself that this is my time for emotional healing and it will be painful as healing can be.. but it will set me up for more and healthier love in my world in the future. i find that i can sit with this pain easier when i remember that..
and a good therapist and ADs help too
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
is there a way to make the exchanges short and act as if you are busy and don't have time to chat?
Actually when he dropped of D1 this last time I went outside, went straight to her and picked her up. I put my hand out to take their bags... he said, you don't want help carrying them in? I said, nope. Took the bags and the baby and walked right back in my house.
And I was still left feeling miserable. Took me a couple hours to recover again. I could tell my baby was standoffish to me and it only made me feel worse. She had been away from me for 5 days. That is too long.
I had my family over last night for dinner and the kids got to play with their cousins. It felt really good to have people in my life again. I've felt pretty alone at my new place and haven't really had a chance to go out and do much. My work is kind of taking over my life. Any time I think I may want to go do something, I remember, oh yeah, I have a ton of work to do... there's no way I have time. So that's how my days go. I have to figure out a way to get a schedule down and MAKE time for myself and time for going out and having fun.
Man, life was so much easier when all of my friends weren't married and all we had was each other. Now it's just so complicated to get together, especially now that I live so far away.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
You might want to plan something special, if you can, to take place after exchanges to help you feel better. It can be small like a walk to a park but anything to give you a lift after the interaction.
you may not realize it, but you have come so far, jks, a new job/career, a new home and a new you. i tell myself when i am sad that i am building the foundation to truly enjoy my life, even though right now is hard. i think we only truly grow when we are uncomfortable. keep going, jks... it is one of those races where the prize is out of sight around some corner.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
