Needing some guidance... 6

[BklynMom]

I agree with Keep Going, its too early to be friends.

He wants your friendship to relieve him of guilt. Be pleasant, kind and happy but not his buddy.

Hang in there! You have 3 beautiful and healthy children who love you - seriously how lucky are you?

[ces67]

Hey JKS, just checking in on how the weekend was..

I completely get the miserable feeling of not having the kids around. Even with things slowly improving in my sitch, its still hard when they're away. W & kids left on Friday for fall break. They went to see my W's sister & her family (I love this family dearly by the way). That left me on my own for the weekend and the first day alone is always the worst for me. I have to do better about having plans and being busy.

Glad you had a fun evening with your family. You are having to adjust to a new "normal". No idea how long this "normal" will last but keep focus on living your life and enjoying the good things you do see. I agree with the others, be friendly without being friends. Hope you have a good week. (((Jks)))

[jks]

((((((((((((((jks))))))))))))

i think we only truly grow when we are uncomfortable. keep going, jks... it is one of those races where the prize is out of sight around some corner.

I know you're right, needgrace. I have continually asked myself lately, how am I going to get through this? Like really get through it? It just seems like such an impossible feat at times. It is a constant battle for me to keep a PMA. I'm like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. There's just so much going on in my head and I feel like I haven't been able to really heal or release any of how I'm feeling.

So, I'm going in to see a therapist tomorrow. I know this is well overdue. I think I keep trying to do this on my own and with the help of all of you but I am not progressing like I want to.

On Sunday night my friend invited me to her H's friend's house to watch a football game. The guy who owned the house was single and my age. I talked mostly with the girls that were there and then as I was ready to leave my friend's H starts to make comments that me and the single guy should hang out some time... like we should all go out to dinner or something. He said, yeah, we should. I was like... ok.

I drove home thinking, that's cool that he wants to hang out but he really has no idea what he's in for with me. I'm such an emotional mess, I can't imagine getting involved with someone else right now. It's like I need a good distraction but it just doesn't seem healthy for me to do that to myself. And even to go out as friends, I feel socially incapable of doing that right now.

It's amazing how much I long to be with someone. I want to feel close to someone again and to have that companionship but thinking about a NEW relationship actually makes me sick. It's such a sick and twisted life. I feel forever in limbo. I'm neither here nor there. Just stuck.

Friday night I took my kids to this really cute witch ride where they take you out on a hay ride to this little witch village. And these funny witches show you around their homes and have these little activities for you to do. Like they taught us a disco dance and we made potions. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. And my D1 was busting out the moves. I love her. That was such a great night with my kids and I couldn't help but think how much I wished H was there.

So I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about some things that I should talk to H about. We literally have not talked for weeks. He can tell that I'm super upset and he has no balls to have a conversation with me. Normally I would just say what's bothering me but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. I keep looking to him to make me feel better and he is not my person anymore. I don't have a person. That's the hardest part. I feel like my feelings are just welling up inside me and I'm about to burst. So I know that a conversation needs to be had with H. I'm just not sure how to approach it and where I want it to go. So hopefully my therapist can help me work through that.

[labug]

(((jks))) good for you, getting a therapist!

I was talking with a friend this weekend about how we could see a thread of women with depression in both our families and how sad it was they there wasn't good treatment available, they probably couldn't have afforded it and they would have been ashamed to seek it.

We are lucky! With some work we can have a happy life.

If you don't mesh with the first therapist, find another. Have you ever had to change pediatricians because you and the doc just weren't on the same wave length? Same thing here.

About the dating thing, you know you aren't ready. Don't let others push into it because they want to fix you.

You'll know when you're ready.

[bustingout]

(((((((jks)))))) I am so happy that you are going to see a therapist...this is a sign that you are starting to ficus on YOUR well being and not your H's sh!tstorm of a life. Good.for.you. :-)

I want to echo labug on the dating thing.. so many people seem to think that the only sign of us getting better or 'moving on' is to be in a R. And if we are not, then we are stuck or still pining for H. I just think its time I want for myself. Doesn't mean i am not healing, or moving forward with my life. Moving forward does not equal R with someone else IMO.

What a GREAT day with your kids! I love that time of year and Halloween and the air at that time. Enjoy! What wonderful memories you are giving your children (((( ))))

[keep_going]

(((((jks)))))

I can only echo everyone else's feelings here. Kudos for seeing a therapist. And like bug says, don't feel afraid to change if things don't work. I saw a therapist last year and at first it was helpful, but I later realized she was just listening and validating me and I was not making a lot of progress. She was nice and meant well, but was just not what I needed at the time. I needed someone to really challenge me and help me grow and not just agree with all I would say.

I am glad that despite your pain, you are finding ways to focus on your kids and enjoying your time with them. That shows a lot of strength within you, so be proud of yourself for it.

As for the dating issue, how about if you start dating yourself for a change? Get to really know yourself, who you really are, what you are about, what you want from your life. Listen to your heart and mind and respond with love and compassion.

Then do nice things for yourself and do fun things. Treat yourself like the most important person around and start doing new and interesting activities. Once you are comfortable with yourself and you learn to love yourself unconditionally and find happiness within yourself, you might want to look around and decide what goes next.

(((((jks)))))

[jks]

Wow, keep_going. I am loving your post tonight. I need to have this stickied everywhere in my house so I can remember it all the time.

I'm going to start dating MYSELF!! That really is the best idea I've heard in a long time. I can really envision that and I know at some points along this journey I have done just that. And those were the times that I felt my best.

I have been in a very low mood lately. It's like the interactions with H are really getting to me. It makes me feel trapped. Trapped in my feelings and I have no release. I just keep everything in when he's around and all I want to do is scream and cry. Which is what I do when he leaves. The problem is, doing it after he leaves still makes me feel like it's bottled up inside me. Even telling other people about it still makes me feel like its bottled up. Because he's the one I want to know about how I'm feeling. He's the one I want to know how much his actions are affecting my life. How much pain he's causing and has no idea.

And I always tell myself, he doesn't care. You can tell him all of these things and you can cry and it won't change a thing. So what's the point? It's like I'm left to deal with this truly on my own and I don't know how to process it. I've never had to do this before. This is independence in it's true form because I emotionally and physically have to do it all on my own. This is a lot for me to take in.

My session with the T went well today. I basically just told her what has been going on and why I'm seeking out her help and she told me to come back next week with a list of goals of things that I want. We'll see how that goes.

[keep_going]

JKS,

I am glad your session today went well. It's good that your T asked you for a list of goals. That will help you both keep on track and focused during your sessions. Hopefully her approach is solution-based and action-oriented.

I am sorry that you feel trapped. Try to find a healthy outlet for your emotions. A lot of people have suggested writing a letter to your H, but NOT sending it. Since you are feeling that he is the one that you want to direct your thoughts and the emotions you keep inside, that might help.

Journal here often... even if you need to do so every couple of hrs. or so. Take advantage of the amazing friends you have here.

I find that good crying sessions sometimes help me. I do them when the kids are not around. Yes, I literally plan times when I let my emotions flow freely. I do it when I shower or when I am driving alone.

Try to get some exercise in as well. Even if it's just taking the kids to the park and playing with them. Or how about a quick-paced walk with the stroller when you take your daughter out? Anything, anything that will rise your heart-rate and get your heart pumping...

Finally, you know how to reach me - feel free to contact me anytime if talking is a better outlet for you.

IDK, these are just some suggestions. You need to find what will work for you and use that. And remember that time will continue helping you heal...

You are on the right track!!!

(((jks)))

[jks]

She is solution oriented. That is why I chose her and I made sure to let her know that as well so she would know where my thought process is.

I love your idea about writing the letter. And, yes, I've been having major crying sessions lately. It seems that it's pretty much any time I'm alone. Which is a lot.

I used to journal here a lot and I've stopped recently because I felt that I was spending all of my days on here and I wasn't spending time doing anything else. I just need to find a balance with it. There were times over the last couple of months that I know I was so strong. Reading back in some of my posts, it was like I knew exactly what I needed to be doing and I knew that I would be fine no matter what. And I truly believed that. I haven't felt that in a long time.

I think I'm at such a low right now because this is the time where I really have to accept that my M is over. I have been in denial for so long and I've had so much hope and faith that we would make it through. So now those dreams are truly coming down HARD.

My efforts of trying to save our family were unsuccessful and it hurts in so many ways. I was reading something yesterday about how D reveals itself in so many ways over a long period of time. Things that you never thought would hurt you or bother you, eventually come to the surface in years to come because it affects so much.

I did a photoshoot tonight for H's sister's best friend. She saw H's sister and mother at the grocery store last week and she told them that I was doing her pictures. H's sister said, oh, she won't talk to us anymore. And H's mom started to get teary eyed. Then H's sister said, we better not talk about this or she's going to get upset.

I was taken back that they think that I don't want to talk to them. H's mom has never once reached out to contact me. She was closer to me than my own mother and not once has she ever called me to see if I'm ok. Is that so wrong for me to want a phone call from my MIL to see if I'm ok? I just feel like I was so easily pushed out and OW was so easily accepted into the family. H has had a pretty easy transition with this. His parents treat him like he can do no wrong.

This just brings up so much more anger for me. They're now putting it on me that I'm the bad guy because I don't want to talk to them? I would greatly appreciate a phone call from any one of them asking about how I'm doing. But, yes, if they want to shoot the breeze about what's been going on with the family... I don't think I can take that right now. So I am better off not talking to them I guess. I'm happy to know that at least my MIL has a heart.

Life is so complicated.

[2chiquitos]

I hate gossip. Stay far far away from it.

Also, Pema Chodron helped me out a lot when it came to dealing with all those hurt emotions.

We all love you and want you to have a healing journey from this night forward.