My story - help please

[theUF]

Hi.

Here is my story. I will try to be as comprehensive as I can, but will probably not be as my head is in a million places right now.

Background : Got together at young age. Been together several years. Ups and downs in early years. Eventually she wanted to get married, and also wanted a kid. I held back at both, but agreed we should have a child as long as she understood my life situation. This was a couple years ago. I usually work long hours and can't really be depended on. Anyway, got pregnant and had a kid. Happy times indeed! Still work irregular. Try best as I can to combine family/work, but often I fall short. I change diapers and other dad stuff and take vacation for family trips.

Time before doomsday: She pulls most of the load with the kid because of my work situation. I realise that I have to step up and make changes to give us a better future together, and marry her if things go right. Start planning my strategy. More time off for one thing. Start slowly acting on my strategy. She talks a bit with a guy she met at a friends, and tells him she is attracted to him and he tells the same. I find out and she explained that it gave her a good feeling to see someone found her attractive, but it ment nothing more. She tells him she will not act on her attraction so no need to go there(she doesn't know I read that). She says, thought, that she wants to keep things open(not knowing I read that either) This guy is in a relationship which is also going bad atm. I'm pretty sure they are still talking frequently.
((I don't think it's anything serious, yet anyway, but feel like maybe he is a tool for her to make it easier leaving me))

Doomsday: I tell her if we give it a go she needs to cut contact with the guy. She says she doesn't want me to end up controlling and is afraid we will end up in same situation as the early year. She doesn't want to fall in that pit were I get suspicious of everything. After a lot of talking ends up saying it's over. I can tell she is serious. She was planning on telling me this even before said conversation. I am (like many have been probably) caught completely off guard and is destroyed. Even though we've been discussing the possibility we might not handle our relationship. She loves me, but is exhausted and doesn't want to try anything.
I try and try to persuade. Alas.

Couple days later(now): She asked me to move back to my apartment the following day, which I have done. We lived in my apartment for a couple years, but elsewhere this last year. Before started reading here I came to a conclusion. I need to work on myself, and keep my life on a healthy and good direction. She excepted a lot from me in our relationship, and I realised I took her more for granted then what I thought before. I accept and see that she is determined to call it quits even though it hurts for her as well.

Now I'm kinda doing a 180. I don't nag and I focus on myself. Don't contact her unless important. I stay positiv and happy around her. I also listen, ask follow-up questions, show I care. I don't talk about our relationship or anything negative/positive about it. I have to better myself, if not for her then at least for me, my kid and who ever will be my spouse in future.

Today I had the kid, she called me a couple times about not so important questions and then she came by and made dinner for all 3 of us. Then later took the kid and went home. She still come across as certain.

I really want us to work things out. I truly want to change for the better, regardless of our future or lack of it. I can't force her to stay. Don't really know what to do. I'm thinking to go solo in couples therapy. Should I ask her to join? I don't want to cramp her.

Any advice on how to proceed? Am I doing 180 to early?

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

You need to let her go.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

[Cadet]

Hi.

Here is my story. I will try to be as comprehensive as I can, but will probably not be as my head is in a million places right now.

Background : Got together at young age. Been together several years. Ups and downs in early years. Eventually she wanted to get married, and also wanted a kid. I held back at both, but agreed we should have a child as long as she understood my life situation(I often work long hours and cant always be depended on). This was a couple years ago. Anyway, got pregnant and had a kid. Still work irregular. Try best as I can to combine family/work. I change diapers and other dad stuff and take time for family trips/events.

Time before doomsday: She pulls most of the load with the kid because of my work situation. I am not as good at giving her attention as I should. I realise that I have to step up and make changes to give us a better future together, and marry her if things go right. Start planning my strategy. More time off for one thing. Start slowly acting on my strategy. She talks a bit with a guy she met at a friends, and tells him she is attracted to him and he tells the same. I find out and she explained that it gave her a good feeling to see someone found her attractive, but ment nothing more. She tells him she will not act on her attraction so no need to go there(not knowing I read that). She says, thought, that she wants to keep things open(not knowing I read that either) This guy is in a relationship.

Doomsday: I tell her if we give it a go she needs to cut contact with the guy. She says I'm controlling and is afraid we will end up in same situation as the early year. She doesn't want to fall in that pit were I get suspicious of everything. After a lot of talking ends up saying it's over. I can tell she is serious. She was planning on telling me this even before said conversation. I am (like many have been probably) caught completely off guard and is destroyed. Even though we've been discussing the possibility we might not handle our relationship. She loves me, but is exhausted and doesn't want to try anything.
I try and try to persuade. Alas.

Couple days later(now): She asked me to move back to my apartment the following day, which I have done. Before started reading here I came to a conclusion. I need to work on myself, and keep my life on a healthy and good direction. She excepted a lot from me in our relationship, and I realised I took her more for granted then what I thought before. I accept and see that she is determined to call it quits, even though it hurts for her as well.

Now I'm kinda doing a 180. I don't nag and I focus on myself. Don't contact her unless important. When she is around I focus on her, stay happy and listen, but still give her space. No physical contact.
I don't talk about our relationship or anything negative/positive about it.

I have to better myself, if not for her then at least for me, my kid and who ever will be my spouse in future.

She gives me mixed signals. She comes here when she really didn't have to. Beforehand it feels like she is gonna drop off the kid/or pick him up and leave straight a way. She ends up staying for an hour or 2 maybe more. Kinda lingering. Want's us to watch TV a bit etc. She contacts me txt/facebook about things that really aren't that urgent. But still she talks alot about exchanging our things and planning who/how/when in regards to the kid.

I really want us to work things out, but can't force her. Don't really know what to do. I'm thinking to go solo in couples therapy. Should I ask her to join? Even if she doesnt want a R? I don't want to cramp her.

Any advice on how to proceed? Am I doing 180 to early? She told me that within a few days she wants to talk about how to proceed(whatever she means by that). We been "seperated" not even a week.

From the other thread.
Let use this one.

[theUF]

Thanks. My first post never got published and I made a new one after some days. Now both got published at the same time, sorry for that.

She came today with the kid and we talked about how to seperate money-wise(she doesn't want me to pay more than I absolutely have to) and who has the kid when.

She doesn't want us to sign a contract (seperation), she feels the contract is made up the wrong way and we should make our own. I ask what is wrong with it and she is vague and general. About the only thing she mentioned is that in the contract you promise to never get back together.

She has now left for an appointment, but wants to take me and the kid shopping after. She also asked to stay after shopping and maybe we could eat dinner and watch the new episode of a show we really enjoy.

I'm torn. Initially I vaguely said yes. Now I don't know. Seems to me this is classic cake-eating. I want to either join them shopping or dinner/show, but not both. And a question rest in the back of my mind? Should I do either?

[AnotherStander]

Now I'm kinda doing a 180. I don't nag and I focus on myself. Don't contact her unless important. I stay positiv and happy around her. I also listen, ask follow-up questions, show I care. I don't talk about our relationship or anything negative/positive about it. I have to better myself, if not for her then at least for me, my kid and who ever will be my spouse in future.

Good for you, these are absolutely the right things to do! It sounds like maybe you've read DR, but if you haven't then pick it up because it'll help you with this.

Today I had the kid, she called me a couple times about not so important questions and then she came by and made dinner for all 3 of us. Then later took the kid and went home. She still come across as certain.

That's great, sounds like the two of you are getting along well. You're on the right track. Don't expect there to be an immediate turnaround though, this is a slow process and it can take many months.

I really want us to work things out. I truly want to change for the better, regardless of our future or lack of it. I can't force her to stay. Don't really know what to do.

You're doing fine with staying happy and positive around her, minimizing contact and not pressuring her about the R. Keep it up!

I'm thinking to go solo in couples therapy. Should I ask her to join? I don't want to cramp her.

No, I wouldn't try to get her into counseling, too much pressure for where she's at right now. Save that for if/ when she expresses interest in reconciling.

Am I doing 180 to early?

180's are a critical part of the process and it's not possible to do them too early. Take stock of everything you did wrong in the R and do 180's on ALL of those things. Do not tell your GF that you're changing, just do it and give her time to notice. She will notice.

Good luck!

[theUF]

So - an update.

Couple days ago I was visiting my son at her place and she asked me before I left how I was doing. I said ok, considering. I wanted a family, but now the outcome is different. I'm focusing on myself and what I need to do. She said for her some things were harder and some easier. I asked if she was ready to sign seperation papers, and she said as ready as she could be after so many years. She didn't give a straight answer when I asked if she was ready to sign that we would never end up together again.

So, I drove home. Didn't really know what to think or believe. She texted me early the next morning(yesterday), just chit chat. I didn't answer and haven't talked to her since.

I was working late that day and was not in a good mood about my situation these days. Just wanted to go home and not do anything really. Instead I called some friends, had some beers and went for a small night out. Nothing big, but a nice distraction.

I still feel confused, but maybe now it's starting to sink in that I really need to go my own way and try not to overthink things. Just ride the wave out and see what happens.

[theUF]

First off, AnotherStander. You were spot on. You told me to not tell her about my changes and that she would notice. The same day this happend :

When picking up the kid she got some of my dinner I made earlier. Everything in my apartment is in order, I'm in shape and holding up good. Dinner was good too. And when she left, she patted me gently on the back and made a comment (like a joke in good mood) about how she'd been struggling with me for so long and NOW I get my [censored] together. I told her I didn't know quite what to say, but that I wasn't always good at keeping things in order.

BUT:

after I ignored her text(nothing important) and didn't contact her for a day this is what followed :

I picked the kid up at her place the next evening. I asked her how she was doing and how work was. She looked tired, unshowered and exhausted. Conversation was casual, and she gave me more of my stuff. She walked me to the car said goodbye and walked away. Today she picked him up, along with more of her stuff, said goodbye and walked away.

Now suddenly she is not staying longer than needed, and she feels more distant. I'm wondering if it's that classic rollercoaster ups and downs or because of my actions. One of the previous days she was here she made a comment on how we would, regardless, still be a family and even offered me to lay down with here and S. I sat next to them instead. Mixed signals for sure.

I'm having the kid in a couple of days again, and wondering if I should ask her to pick up all her stuff at my place and vica versa. It's depressing for me to exchange a bit of our stuff every time we see each other. Like a constant reminder of our current situation. Any take?

I'm tempted to ask her to join me for a small movie evening, without the kid. This was not part of my strategy, so I'm quite unsure. Any take?

My small updates seem to grow as I write

[theUF]

Bc we lived together and have a son we have to go trough an obligatory meeting when seperating. This will be about arrangements concerning our child etc.

Tomorrow we will meet and talk for a bit, so we have a general idea on how to proceed. Pretty nervous though.....how can I express my wish for reconciliation down the road w/o coming across as needy or even 100% certain in my wish?

I guess at this point I'm just curious about where she stands on the issue, but I got a feeling she wouldn't be comfortable with spilling her guts. I mean, I'm not even 100% sure myself what I want. I want reconciliation down the road, but not without us learning and growing from this.

Not a lot of replies here, anyone have some advice?

[AnotherStander]

And when she left, she patted me gently on the back and made a comment (like a joke in good mood) about how she'd been struggling with me for so long and NOW I get my [censored] together. I told her I didn't know quite what to say, but that I wasn't always good at keeping things in order.

That's a good sign, she's acknowledging your 180's. Stick with them, it'll take her quite some time before she starts believing they are real and not just a trick to get her back.

after I ignored her text(nothing important) and didn't contact her for a day this is what followed

First just to clarify, a lot of people misunderstand detaching. It does not mean cutting off contact. It's OK to ignore a text here and there or to be slow in responding, but don't ignore everything because instead of detaching it'll appear to her that you're being cold and distant.

She looked tired, unshowered and exhausted. Conversation was casual, and she gave me more of my stuff. She walked me to the car said goodbye and walked away. Today she picked him up, along with more of her stuff, said goodbye and walked away.

Now suddenly she is not staying longer than needed, and she feels more distant.

Based on your description it sounds to me like she was really tired. I wouldn't read anything into it other than she wasn't in the mood to have close contact with you.

I'm having the kid in a couple of days again, and wondering if I should ask her to pick up all her stuff at my place and vica versa. It's depressing for me to exchange a bit of our stuff every time we see each other. Like a constant reminder of our current situation. Any take?

Same thing happened in my sitch, every time my W came by she'd take a few more things. I finally told her she just needed to get everything she wanted and do it ASAP. So she took a day off work and moved the rest of her stuff. I agree with you, the taking a little here and there is just an emotional drain. Just get it over with.

I'm tempted to ask her to join me for a small movie evening, without the kid. This was not part of my strategy, so I'm quite unsure. Any take?

It doesn't sound like it's a good time for that. I'm not sure how old your kid is, but if old enough to go to movies then you might try telling W that ya'll are going to see a movie and she's welcome to join you if she wants. But you need to be clear that you're going with or without her. She's welcome to go along, but if not, no biggie. That's the message you want to send. This way it's clear that it's not a date and there's no pressure on her to go.

[theUF]

Ignoring her text was probably a stupid move indeed. Noted. I was a bit let down by her statement about being ready to split, and let this anger take control.

Tomorrow I will tell her that although this is not the situation I hoped for I will go over the terms with her and hope we will maintain good communication. Also suggest I come pickup my stuff the following day.

Kid isn't even two years old so I will back off the movie plan. Maybe I will go to the cinema by myself though. Before I would never do this and would feel uncomfortable. Could be a next small step on self evolving