My story - help please

[Starsky309]

Yep. Chatter has it right. Protect yourself!!


Starsky

[theUF]

Thank you for replying chatterbug, it helps to get some thought provoking Q's.

So let me get this straight.

From what I am reading you were pressured into becoming a DAD

I told her I wanted a child, but I constantly delayed. Mostly out of anxiety that we would not cope. She was pushing, I told her to stop and I would be ready when I was ready. She stopped pushing and after some time I told her I wanted to try.

and you explained to your wife that the work situation would be hard for a few years and you will not be able to support her and the child with the time needed but you will be able to support financially and when you can.

She agreed to this.

Yes

Then a few years later she meets a guy starts to like him.... You have problems in the relationship.. She says your controlling because you told her it is wrong to be talking to this predator.

They have mutual friends. At a party she told him about her situation and he told her about his similar R situation. Probably there was some flirting as in the texts I read later she stated that she probably said in joke some stuff she shouldn't have. That she was indeed attracted to him, but she wouldn't act on it and there was no need to talk about it. But, she still came across as keeping it on the table for later so to speak. After this I decided not to put more effort into finding out what is going on between them. And yes when I said she needed to break contact she viewed me as controlling.

Now she asks you to move out.
You know why. It is so she can pursue an affair with this guy.
1. Why did you leave?

She told me she wanted out and that she had been working up her guts to do it. We were living with her family at this time as we were planning on building a house. So she asked me to move back home to my own apartment. I wouldn't want to live with her family given the situation so I moved back home.

2. Why are you paying her money that is not in an agreement?

I'm not. She asked for half of what she can legally claim as child support. We will sign these papers in a couple of weeks. I told her I would pay more than half if our son would need it, by law I have to anyway really.

3. Is a PA or EA a deal breaker?

Not quite sure. It would certainly make things more difficult, but right now I don't want reconciliation. We both need to sort out things in our life before that would even be possible. What lies down the road no one knows.

4. Did you set any boundaries with these choices your wife is making?

I told her any attempts to try and save R would be off the table if she pursued contact with him.

5. Have you gotten an legal counseling about abandoning your child?
6. Do you know that you have as much right to be with your child as your wife does?
7. Have you thought of moving back home to the marriage apartment?
8. Have you talked with a lawyer about your rights as a father in situations such as this?

I've read up on my rights as a father and since we lived together my rights a strong. We want to settle as much as possible our self, but I told her we would need an agreement in writing/signing anyway as people and situations change so this is important. She agreed and as mentioned this meeting is scheduled.

As judging by your nic and work I would recommend that you always record your conversations when you are with your wife.

My nick is two random letters so don't read into it Sound advice though.

Always be polite. Always be non-confrontational. Always be a gentleman.
Protect yourself buddy.
Then you can work on restoring the marriage.
People do strange things when they have EA's and PA's

Again, sound advice I'm working hard to follow. You're definitely right about people changing when there is EA/PA in the picture, this has me on my toes. BTW we are not married, but we've been living together for many years and have a child together so by law(in my country)we still have to go through these seperation/"breakup" papers.

[theUF]

Just journaling I guess.

We went on an activity/class with S which we decided we would do the 3 of us once a week despite our situation. She was joking around, poking me and stuff like that. She got water in her face and asked if the makeup was a mess. I said no. She laughed and made a comment on how it probably was and I just didn't want other guys to look at her. I laughed and thought to myself it was a weird thing to say given the circumstance. She also seemed upset when 2 cute girls came and sat down close to us. Again, weird. I just shrugged it off as being her way of checking out where I was at in all of this.

I've kept contact to absolutely minimum. She sends messages sometimes asking how S is doing or stuff like that.

Today she picked him up. I told her that they changed the time of our "seperation" meeting, but as this was her initiative she would have to contact them herself, she seemed a bit upset. She is still distant, and now she doesn't even linger here, possibly OM is occupying her mind. No point in putting much thought to it though.

It's weird after being together since teenagers and then suddenly breaking off like this and keeping such distance between us, but that being said I feel I'm doing ok without her. Sometimes I even see a exciting future without her, and sometimes I don't and miss her. I feel like I've come to accept the break up 100%, but I'm constantly going back and forth in my head wether I want her back in my life or not.

I've notice that the more I detach, the easier it gets accepting that her actions in daily life is out of my reach and control. I feel the wheels slowly starting to turn the right direction...for me. Just a couple of weeks ago the feeling of despair was enormous.

It's sunday, and this evening I will try to make some goals for the coming week(s) and try to detach even in my head and not only in my actions.

[Starbag]

Man, our stories are different but I so understand how you feel about it's so weird after being together since teenagers... I do feel it's getting a bit easier too as time goes by, but I still miss my H... it's such a complicated feeling. I really am confused myself. But advices people give here are so helpful! keep journaling, I'm kinda jealous that your W and you have communications along the way. I don't know what my H is doing at all and he's living in another city...

[theUF]

Man, our stories are different but I so understand how you feel about it's so weird after being together since teenagers... I do feel it's getting a bit easier too as time goes by, but I still miss my H... it's such a complicated feeling. I really am confused myself. But advices people give here are so helpful! keep journaling, I'm kinda jealous that your W and you have communications along the way. I don't know what my H is doing at all and he's living in another city...

Yeah moving on I guess is a two fold feeling. The feeling of being happy things are getting better, but at the same time wishing one wouldn't have to move on. Journaling helps for sure, and probably makes it a bit easier on friends.

I'm happy we comms and manage to keep things in order for our S, but it demands work. Being in communication means learning things about her I would rather not know, that makes it hard to keep things in a good tone. But here's hoping..

Probably isn't much easier being in the dark like you are with H, wanting to know is in our nature. More so when it's someone we care about. I will stop by your thread and give it a read. Hang in there

[Soul.Searching]

I Was also only 16 when I started dating H, I'm going on 30 now and boy, is it hard! I'm hoping not knowing will help with detaching. My H is also in another city. Like three hours away. I deactivated my Facebook because I couldn't handle knowing how "well" he is doing without me. Well that was one of my reasons anyway.

I'm thinking she is obviously also confused. Sounds like she was Jelious when the two cute girls came near you!

[theUF]

I Was also only 16 when I started dating H, I'm going on 30 now and boy, is it hard! I'm hoping not knowing will help with detaching. My H is also in another city. Like three hours away. I deactivated my Facebook because I couldn't handle knowing how "well" he is doing without me. Well that was one of my reasons anyway.

I'm thinking she is obviously also confused. Sounds like she was Jelious when the two cute girls came near you!

Yeah I get you, we've evolved so much during these years and shared so much with our partners.

No contact yesterday although I noticed she shared a link on fb to a typical heartbroken song. Don't mind read, don't mind read I tell myself and then I mind read some more.

Today we are going to an arragnement with S for a couple of hours. Lets see how that goes. I feel I need a couple days this week with no contact, to reflect for myself, we will see.

[theUF]

So we went to the arrangement, and it was quite ok.

When we met she was happy, we talked and she almost immediatly startet going into how she stopped smoking, startet exercising, eating healthy and so forth. I told her, "hey great, nice to hear and hope it works out. I also started doing some of those things". She seamed almost emberrassed half way through talking about it, don't know why. She then said, if there's going to be this much change already then why not change more(or something to the effect). After this she had lapses of happiness and looking a bit sad. Strange how suddenly SHE is the one feeling the need to tell me how she changed.

I don't know why she is bringing this stuff up, it feels imposed not natural. Maybe she feels I'm not broken enough, and I need to understand the gravity of the situation? She should know I do though.

She is quite stubborn and proud, so I'm questioning "if she wants to come back, will she ever work up the guts to ask or talk about it?"

For the next two days I will try getting her out of my mind for a bit. And I haven't checked her fb page for 24 hours, yay! *laughing* Lets see some ME time!

[theUF]

Could use someones take on a couple of things.

1. She called today and asked if I could have S for a day this weekend even though it's "her weekend", she had been asked to work. I said yes because, well, I would like to see him as much as possible. She thanked me, and it sounded almost as she thought I did this for HER. I'm glad to help, but my goal was to spend time with S

2. Also, we have scheduled a (obligatory) meeting were we will go over the details about S, who will have him when and so forth. If the chance arises I would like to let her know that this is not really what I want(I hope we can consider reconciliation down the line), but that I hear her wish and choice and will respect that. I've been a bad listener and have ignored a lot of "nagging". Even though it seems it's too late for us I want to change this habit of mine.

3. I haven't asked for us to do stuff together, we have a weekly activity we do with S for half an hour though. I'm set on keep giving her space and not ask for anything. I keep phone conv short, simple and civil. I'm not quite so business oriented when we're together though. I try to keep things cheerful and positive.

I guess all in all I feel a bit confused right now, but I would love to hear what you guys think...

[chatterbug]

1. child comes first. Good for you being flexable with your plans. That was the thoughts of a good father.
2. Make sure that it is fair and balanced. Take it to a L if needed. Do not give up your rights to be a father to your child. Do not be nice here so you do not rock your imaginary boat. The child comes first. A healthy child spends equal time with father and mother. ( I know that due to your work you will have to switch this up a bit....) This is a plan for the next 18 years. It should be weighted over thinking that way. Equal time on holidays etc... If it is not. Do not agree to it. Voice your opinion. This is one of the most important documents you will ever make a choice on in your whole life.
3. Do not ask to do stuff. Why do you want to do stuff with a person who is firing you as a Husband and is trying out a replacement for you?