Well, it started out as a way to keep my posts a bit anonymous. Also, english is not my native language, so I might express myself a bit different than most here.
"the kid" is my son, which I love dearly. Now I try to spend as much time as possible with him, taking days off from work here and there to be with him. She says he calls for daddy when I'm not there, which was quite tough to hear.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
She stopped by for a short while today. I told her that despite our situation I still cared for her and whe had a son together so if she needed to talk I would listen. Basically to not be afraid about me getting angry or upset. She got quite and kind of sad for a brief moment and told me she didn't really have anything to say.
Allright, so we had our pre-meeting talk which went good. As far as child support goes she wants me to pay no more than needed, even though I offered to pay more. She is totally open to letting me stop by to see our son and have time with him outside our initial agreement. All this I guess shows goodwill from her side, but also makes me question why that is. Maybe guilt? Or maybe she just cares for our son and my R with him.
In our previous on-off(lasted a couple weeks), years ago, she still seeked sporadic physical R with me. Now, at least lately, she is like a friend seeking nothing physical. Only thing I notice is that on occasion she kinda "checks me out. To be fair I keep my distance which may help build this wall between us?
How am I doing? Well except for being demolished the two first days I'm quite good. Of course I go through the motions of anger, sadness, hopelessnes, happiness and so forth. The thing I find interesting or maybe even unnerving is the fact that I'm coping this (relatively) good. I was expecting weeks of total depression, despair and tears. Since day two I've been sad, but haven't really shed a tear. We have a good tone and don't argue. I don't know wether to doubt my true feelings for her or consider the possibility that I'm in some sort of denial. Maybe I'm currently just in a place right now where it feels easier to not fight and kinda releaving?
I'm also a bit baffled at why she removed the jewelery I gave her, but is still as in a R with me on facebook. On the day of the breakup she said she would not change to single, but she would clear the R info.
Any seasoned people want to share their opinion or experience?
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
All this I guess shows goodwill from her side, but also makes me question why that is. Maybe guilt? Or maybe she just cares for our son and my R with him.
I doubt it's guilt, she probably just wants it to go as smoothly as possible.
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In our previous on-off(lasted a couple weeks), years ago, she still seeked sporadic physical R with me. Now, at least lately, she is like a friend seeking nothing physical. Only thing I notice is that on occasion she kinda "checks me out. To be fair I keep my distance which may help build this wall between us?
She built the wall. She built it to guard her emotions. She has checked out of the relationship. Don't push any physical contact on her, it will likely just make her mad or upset. You need to keep up the detachment for yourself and to give her time and space to consider her thoughts and emotions.
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The thing I find interesting or maybe even unnerving is the fact that I'm coping this relatively good.I was expecting weeks of total depression, despair and tears. Since day two I've been sad, but haven't really shed a tear.
You're not out of the woods yet. I was in pretty good shape until about a month after BD, that's when I really plummeted and hit rock bottom. It came as a total surprise because I thought I was handling things just fine and OK with it regardless of the outcome.
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I don't know wether to doubt my true feelings for her or consider the possibility that I'm in some sort of denial. Maybe I'm currently just in a place right now where it feels easier to not fight and kinda releaving?
I think in my case I expected the BD to be short-lived and that W would turn around quickly (days or weeks). After a month it really hit me that it was going to take a long time and that there was the very real possibility that reconciliation may not happen at all. That was when the full weight of it hit me and the true grieving process began.
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I'm also a bit baffled at why she removed the jewelery I gave her, but is still as in a R with me on facebook. On the day of the breakup she said she would not change to single, but she would clear the R info.
They'll do the emotional separation one step at a time. One week they'll quit wearing the rings, next week they'll change their FB profile, next week they'll take photos down, etc.
I think you would benefit greatly talking to one of Michele's coaches. Your coach could give you the direction and the advice you need to take the process you started to the next step. Solutions to such difficult situations take insight that most of us can't find when we are in the middle of such turmoil. Your coach would keep you on track and support you every step of the way. Please call me for more info. Take good care!
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
She built the wall. She built it to guard her emotions. She has checked out of the relationship. Don't push any physical contact on her, it will likely just make her mad or upset. You need to keep up the detachment for yourself and to give her time and space to consider her thoughts and emotions.
Yep, I've pretty muched lived up to that part. We've given each other a gentle pat on the back, but other than that I haven't initiated physical contact.
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You're not out of the woods yet. I was in pretty good shape until about a month after BD, that's when I really plummeted and hit rock bottom. It came as a total surprise because I thought I was handling things just fine and OK with it regardless of the outcome.
Again and again she gives me signs and confirmation that we are through. Each time I think I'll break down, but I don't. I'm sad, but coping. Still, like you said, I'm dreading what emotions may come.
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They'll do the emotional separation one step at a time. One week they'll quit wearing the rings, next week they'll change their FB profile, next week they'll take photos down, etc.
Sure enough, today while packing my things she asked what to do about facebook status and family who might not know yet. We agreed to clear R status today, but nothing happened. I stayed calm and easy going while discussing with her, even trying to lighten the mood. I could tell she was sad, but she switches to unaffected mode pretty quick.
For the moment being I think I've lost hope of anything happening any time soon, if even ever. For my own sake I need to keep working on letting go and living my life. Being a good dad gives strength and joy, and there are plenty of activities out there.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Told some more friends about my situation today. Feels quite weird to see how blindsided they get, and at the same time it's nice to see people care and give support.
We changed our R status also. I got the feeling she was almost kinda offended by me not getting upset or angry. Gotta say though, it's quite tragic how serious we treat facebook nowadays. I even got the "it's over? but you're still in a R on facebook?" by a colleague. Should I defriend her on this web page?
The guy she was flirting with is "liking" pics of our son. Probably to woo her. This had me <censored> off badly at first. Couple years ago I would probably call her and throw a tantrum. Lately though I've managed to "stop, reflect, consider". Basically asking myself "does it matter? does it change anything significant?" Well, no. Ignore, move on.
She told me before breaking up that I seemed to get controlling again. I've been reflecting on that statement, and I guess it's true. I hate losing control! I practice a couple different extreme sports, and here the feeling of letting go of control is exciting but the real joy I find in being in control of the situation.
I feel that during this break up I managed to let go of control and except what ensues as out of my control. Either this is improvement, or just another way for me to stay in control(by choosing not to react). I don't know?
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
It definitely is improvement that you manage to let go of control - of her. On the other hand there's nothing wrong with you guiding your own course towards a worthwhile goal.
From what I am reading you were pressured into becoming a DAD and you explained to your wife that the work situation would be hard for a few years and you will not be able to support her and the child with the time needed but you will be able to support financially and when you can.
She agreed to this.
Then a few years later she meets a guy starts to like him.... You have problems in the relationship.. She says your controlling because you told her it is wrong to be talking to this predator.
Now she asks you to move out.
You know why. It is so she can pursue an affair with this guy.
My questions to you are.
1. Why did you leave? 2. Why are you paying her money that is not in an agreement? 3. Is a PA or EA a deal breaker? 4. Did you set any boundaries with these choices your wife is making? 5. Have you gotten an legal counseling about abandoning your child? 6. Do you know that you have as much right to be with your child as your wife does? 7. Have you thought of moving back home to the marriage apartment? 8. Have you talked with a lawyer about your rights as a father in situations such as this?
Do not do anything that can remove your rights as a father. Do not set precedence with monthly payments to your wife.
As judging by your nic and work I would recommend that you always record your conversations when you are with your wife.
Always be polite. Always be non-confrontational. Always be a gentleman.
Protect yourself buddy.
Then you can work on restoring the marriage.
People do strange things when they have EA's and PA's
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
