Thanks chatterbug. You're spot on, child comes first no matter what. It is my duty, and more so my wish, to show my S unconditional love. He should always come first. He has done nothing but deserve my love. It made my eyes tear up just looking at his picture last night.
I've had several meetings with my bosses and pushed hard to get better conditions as far as family time go. For now the only choice I've got is unpaid time off, but I make good money anyway so that's ok. They've actually been really good at arranging so that I get time of when I need/want and seem to be genuinly interested in trying to make it work. A wise friend told me "Remember, very few people at the end of their life will tell you how glad they are they spent all their time at work"
To be honest I really don't know if I even want to do stuff with X right now, maybe it's just my head going into fight/save mode. I'm in a really weird place right now and probably just need a reality check.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I agree with Chatterbug. I'd just add that in my sitch, W and I agreed to 50-50 visitation on a weekly shift and we both expressed to the kids that we would be flexible for them and let them go back and forth more frequently as they wished/ needed. Luckily for me W only moved 5 minutes away, so that has made it a lot easier. As it turns out we've both had to be very flexible because stuff comes up ALL the time it seems like. Meet-the-teacher, football games (D15 is in drill), volunteer events, scout meetings & day campouts (S9), etc. etc. We're constantly coordinating events and working out who has which kid for what hours on which day. Seems almost like we're married or something
Quote:
If the chance arises I would like to let her know that this is not really what I want(I hope we can consider reconciliation down the line), but that I hear her wish and choice and will respect that.
Ask yourself if you're telling her something she already knows. If you're not sure that she knows that, then go ahead and say it. If she does already know then there's no reason to repeat yourself. Keep in mind that if you keep reminding the WAW that you're waiting for her, she'll see you as plan B- the fallback position. At some point she has to think she might lose you before she'll consider moving you to plan A. That's what detaching and being a bit mysterious does, it makes the WAS wonder if the LBS is moving on without them.
Quote:
I haven't asked for us to do stuff together, we have a weekly activity we do with S for half an hour though. I'm set on keep giving her space and not ask for anything. I keep phone conv short, simple and civil. I'm not quite so business oriented when we're together though. I try to keep things cheerful and positive.
Great, that all sounds like good DB'ing. I wouldn't push trying to get her to go out on a date. Keep doing what you're doing. You'll know when she's ready for a date.
As it turns out we've both had to be very flexible because stuff comes up ALL the time it seems like. Meet-the-teacher, football games (D15 is in drill), volunteer events, scout meetings & day campouts (S9), etc. etc. We're constantly coordinating events and working out who has which kid for what hours on which day. Seems almost like we're married or something
Yeah we been quite set on being flexible too, and I hope we can maintain that. So far so good, yet I still feel she has a need to be in control one notch more then me all the time. As long as I can maintain my R with S she can feel like the king of the world for my sake
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Ask yourself if you're telling her something she already knows. If you're not sure that she knows that, then go ahead and say it. If she does already know then there's no reason to repeat yourself. Keep in mind that if you keep reminding the WAW that you're waiting for her, she'll see you as plan B- the fallback position. At some point she has to think she might lose you before she'll consider moving you to plan A. That's what detaching and being a bit mysterious does, it makes the WAS wonder if the LBS is moving on without them.
I'm not really sure were I stand here. The day she dropped the bomb I spilled my guts about how I wanted to save this and give myself to her. But I already went 180/LRT after a couple of days and then I found this site and continued with this approach. So yeah, I've told her, but the thing is she might think it was a desperate reach out. After all I've been "detached" since day two so she might feel that I just didn't bother to try anymore after day 1. I think I'm leaning on holding off on saying anything for the time being.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Great, that all sounds like good DB'ing. I wouldn't push trying to get her to go out on a date. Keep doing what you're doing. You'll know when she's ready for a date.
Thanks! When I get confused I try to remember what my original plan was and try to remind myself that it's my feelings taking over. Not always easy though.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Today was a bit interesting. We agreed I should have S today. He got sick though so she said her mother could babysit him if I wanted to. Uhm. I told her I would have him. After all I'm his dad, in good times as in bad times.
So I finished at work and told her I was on my way. Along the way I almost end up in a head on collision. I go of the road to avoid the other car and need help to get the car back on the road. I call her to tell her I will be a bit late. She gets angry and starts questioning if S will be safe driving with me. I keep calm, explain and reassure her.
When I come to pick up S she is on edge and speaks to me in a hostile manner the first 5-10 minutes. It gets on my nerves, but I keep my cool. I camly state that her tone of voice is quite harsh and what's up with that? She tells me "yeah. I didn't mean to" and switches right back to friendly. Wow. Usually when she gets angry it's hard to turn around and it can take some time before she lets go of the anger completely. I don't put anything into it, but it was a nice change of pace for sure.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Thanks NinaNina! I think it's paramount I keep working on not being so reactive.
Today I got another lesson in that, and boy it was hard! She picked up S, and before she left she told me the following in an oh-btw-type-of-manner :
She picked up S from the day care centre and had to tell the people working there that we had split up, the reason was that a man had started working there and S had been following him and calling him dad all day. She said it was normal, didn't matter and that I shouldn't read into it. S is changing day care centre in a couple of months so I don't know why she felt the need to tell me.
She also told me the other day how fond S had become to her sisters boyfriend and that he would hug him and liked to sit on his lap.
I'm just completely put out by the fact she would even tell me these things???!! When we decided to try having a baby I told her I wanted us to never break up if we had a child. Now she left me. Why rub my face in it?
When we broke up she told me how good it felt to get attention by someone else, and later on go on about all the good changes she is making. I almost feel like she is going "oh well, that just peeled right of him, maybe I should tell him hurtful things about S?"
She doesn't say these things in a mean way, just casually. I deflect them and just acknowledge that I heard what she was saying, but man how hurtful !
So now she left with S and I'm all alone, feeling like a mess. For the first time since we broke up, I feel hate for her. Nothing but pure hate. Of course, anger can make you feel that way temporarily.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
This incident today stirred up some concerns. I don't know what she does with S. We only talked about who/when and financial. Neither of us know where the other stand on things like introducing S to other people, spending time with family without us there and so forth.
I feel I need some clarifications on this part, and think I will ask her to have a talk about these things.
God, this whole thing messed up my day big time. Feels so bad to getting robbed of my time with S without being able to do anything about it.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
So now she left with S and I'm all alone, feeling like a mess. For the first time since we broke up, I feel hate for her. Nothing but pure hate. Of course, anger can make you feel that way temporarily.
I can relate, I felt like that too quite a few times. Now, I don't even have to question the fact that my H is with the OW and he wants nothing to do with me. I feel bad, but less and less each day, it's still at a level where I feel like I can't handel yet, but I think I will get over this to a level where it doesn't hurt so much anymore. After all, we have to find inner peace for ourselves again. Detach more, and hopefully next time if she does something like this, you don't get affected by the emotions.
I can relate, I felt like that too quite a few times. Now, I don't even have to question the fact that my H is with the OW and he wants nothing to do with me. I feel bad, but less and less each day, it's still at a level where I feel like I can't handel yet, but I think I will get over this to a level where it doesn't hurt so much anymore. After all, we have to find inner peace for ourselves again. Detach more, and hopefully next time if she does something like this, you don't get affected by the emotions.
It's hard to handle for sure, I don't even know if she is with OM. Knowing must be really hard for you. But no one expects you to be just fine, you're human and it's ok to hurt. You're going the right way though. And that's whats important, for yourself.
It's like you said. It's about finding inner peace for ourselves. Making it better for ourselves in the long run. The feelings we have sometimes are inevitable I guess. It's something we have to go through wether we want to or not. When you're right in the midst of it though, it's hard to remember that. You just want to fight it!
Already I'm starting to feel a bit better about today. But for the first couple of hours I wanted to do all the things I know I shouldn't. I had to remind myself over and over that I would gain nothing, but it was hard to keep my head in the right place because I was sooo hurt. Now I'm glad I did though. The "problem" is still there, but it hasn't escaleted and I will deal with it in time.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
