i know what you are saying is rite- that he probably doesn't give one thought to what he's doing. logic and reason do not apply. i don't ask either- i do fritter away my time and energy trying to understand. i agree i do nothing but frustrate myself with that - i forget. i need to write myself a note saying stop thinking- NOW.
I DID FINally today rewrite the damn resume and fix the language a bit. they're just soooo much goop i think- but realize i need one. this one seems okay finally.
i've been dragging my feet - just can't sit still and make myself do it- but did. woo hoo
visited mom- peaceful - wow!! walked with buddy- chatted with an old friend for quite a bit- she's pretty funny and non-judgemental. has some whopper of stories bout her first husband- so it was good therapy and we laughed. i don't know any funny people these days- where did they all go? i miss laughing ALOT.
i guess an okay day for shakey start. thanks again- note is written - I DO "LLISTEN" WHEN I FIND my own notes - i do tend to screw myself into the ground when i get going down that road.
so, am i the only one who is rather more "delicate" first thing in the morning????? it drives me nuts=- once i get going i'm okay and even evenings are not as "grusome". i can't figure it out- i hate feeling droopy- it's so not me - it's so jerky..... i can't figure what the heck to do exactly to snap myself out of this bad "routine" if that's what it is. i DO need the coffee - badly - to get myself "up". i'm totally in hunker =- down and watch the budget mode- or i'd think i should go to mcdonalds or somewhere for coffee would be good.
so - now that i say it- when my sister isn't working early- i can go there for coffee- get dressed and get out (til i have some kind of work to go to) - well, anyone who has a brilliant idea for making yourself feel chipper the minute you jump out of bed- i'll be glad to hear it. maybe i'll put coffee in a covered cup and walk it off - will try that tomorrow failing anything else.
You have you own great idea's don't sell yourself short. Walking first thing in the morning while the weather permits is best. Coffee...heck yea! That's my best friend...I wish I could drink it all day.
You do sound better...baby steps!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
other day when you said watchout- i was in some wierd place and shouldn't make any sudden moves - boy, are you ever right.
i'm sitting here this moment- screaming and yelling out loud to no one - this h makes me soooooo damn offended i could kill him. i mean it- he wrote an e-mail about his plans to return here. he's going to visit an old college buddy- then flying back there for a day or two before he comes here. all cool & matter of fact - yeah, i get it - the ONLY thing in the f/ing universe that matters in life is his damn happiness and his _ _ _ _ and HIM. WHAT A PIG - i could kill him because he is such a smug - self interested giant giant GIANT as_ AND I mean it.
I sit here - life on hold - waiting for what??? his big stupid self to have some kind of awakening (which may never come) and - that big f just rolls along doing whatever the heck he pleases- LIED TO KEEP me in this stinking life and here's me bored to tears & pissed on a daily basis. God only knows what would happen if something interesting did come along in my life - fingers crossed. .
i consider the immense satisfaction if i went mlc and walked out of his life. i have no idea if he'd care or not- my EGO DEMANDS I THINK HE'd cry him a river at some point - some day. he's such a big fat ego hard guy- maybe he'd never ever let himself even miss me. i am telling you and the universe- he will not EVER find another gal like me (even with the flaws) i hope his head falls off and rolls under a car - splat. idiot.....
my finger twitches at the thought of dialing the phone and telling him to drop the hell dead and get out of my life.
sorry- i find him soooo offensive- i could just scream.
what a jerk he is. - after i write this to you- i'm going to go walk over and get a lottery ticket- to make myself laugh at the absurdity- but who knows rite? there is that one in a baziollion jillion million chance i win. now - what would i do besides dis - a - f'ing - pear???? we wonder. i still consider it .
i almost did when we were in new england- if i'd had my purse or credit card- i was thinking of just not returning to hotel from my morning walk- wouldn't he be surprised and amazed if i just went awol??? he could just drive home alone and wonder where the hell i got to? . it didn't occur to me til i was out of room- no purse, etc. it was a good feeling & thought tho. he doesn't realize the breadth & depth of my spontinaity. good i say- maybe i'll be amazing and surprising sometime yet and he's soooooo sure ofme he will never ever see it coming. i know- gross isn't it- this desire for revenge? who me? better than what??? not so much huh/.
Sue, you are such a heartfelt person that's why this is so hard for you. I know we feel way too much for these asses but it is who we are. You are loving someone who can't be who he was right now. Remember your feeling like this because your such a loving person, you deserve better, we all do.
please try to read this link. You are just behind me going through some of your own stages. It is important to start learning about you and what your going though and are about to face down the road. Read up on LBS's, read and write about you now, it's time for you, try to release your grip on him (in your mind) a little bit at a time.
Talking to you like this is helping me try to do the same. Read this below it's good. Then follow the link and read the stories, at best it will calm you down. Take care of you - deary!
Quote: The life's lessons you are to learn out of this are simple ones, but HARD to put into actions
They involve Control Lessons first and foremost.
The rule of thumb to remember is the only person you can control in this life is YOU, not anyone else-and change must begin within before a situation changes without.
That means ALL control you THINK you have must be released: physical, spiritual-everything.
The MLC'er, no matter how erratic he/she is acting, is NOT a child, and does NOT need help-they must be allowed to work this out on their own and make decisions accordingly.
I know you think you are helping if you try to show them what you perceive they are doing wrong, but they will see it as CONTROL, and run further away.
You have to learn to separate the behavior from the person, and set boundaries as to what you will and won't accept, taking care of YOU in the process.
Focusing on what the MLC'er is or is not doing is NOT helping YOU-it is only dragging you down further and further, and you WILL hit rock-bottom and have a nervous breakdown, worrying about things you CANNOT and DO NOT have control over.
You must learn, also to STAY CALM in conflict-the more emotional power you give a situation, the worse it can escalate. Tap into the inner strength you KNOW is there and use it to your advantage.
You must face Childhood Wounds and heal them, whatever those may be, and they will be found on your journey to find YOU. That means exploring your childhood, looking at the patterns YOU are repeating-and change your behavior accordingly-that is part of your growth.
Remember no one does anything to YOU-they do it to THEMSELVES, as this has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with THEM.
IF you don't like a situation, CHANGE IT-taking the steps necessary to do so. Each individual is different and it may take a combination of things to achieve this change.
Learn that happiness, self-validation, self-esteem etc comes from WITHIN you, and is NOT found in outside factors-NO ONE can make you "complete". You must learn to find these things WITHIN.
Then, and only then will True Love be born-you will need because you love, not love because you need.
Accepting yourself is extremely important as we must live with ourselves for the rest of our lives, and we know deep within our hearts what we can and cannot live with.
We must "let go" no matter how painful that might be, it is through the giving of this freedom, we may regain our MLC spouse. Because we will NEVER own anyone, but OURSELVES.
That inner peace we are searching for CAN be attained through the "letting go" totally-it is the peace we can have WITHIN the storm.
And until we reach that point, we will always be confused-it is through the clearing of our mind that the answers will come from the place they have always been--within ourselves.
There are NO answers to be found outside of us, otherwise.
We can and must trust ourselves to do the right thing at all times, trusting in the Lord to guide our feet along this journey.
And understand that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, we WILL be all right.
I hope you read this - just checking on you
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hey sweet lady - here is another one that helps me
quote: My thoughts on the LBS stages;
Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?
Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!
Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.
Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.
Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.
Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.
Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.
Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.
Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.
Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i read the link and above. it's ALOT of stuff to mull over. i can see there are stages- i also see i'm probably at the resentment stage you describe (loosely construed) where it simmers in and out. and i'm okay alot of the time then spin off out of control (emotionally -privately).
I do see - i do (kind of agree) with everyone and their individual input. it's such a personal thing- this voyage. All the elements are there for everyone in different amounts & intensities.
i am ocd about defining things if i can- my comfort zone. naming the enemy- giving it a face. i can then formulate a plan (something like that)
I don't find myself asking "why" anymore- so that must be something. i noticed it when someone in the link was saying the "whys" end. I wonder sometimes if it is because we've gotten into some routine that still has each other in our lives and no one has run out the door. that DOES NOT mean one darn thing tho. does and doesn't give any security as to "future".
my impulse answer is true love- it's boring as hell but deeeeeep. (we have it- whether he knows it - or will ever acknowledge something like that (he's got(and ALWAYS HAD) an enormous case about the word, use, meaning & the existence of love ) i still may end up chucked out the window- i fear i always will believe in love) wah wah i fear he never will- sad for him.
my thoughtful answer may be that (in this crappy sitch) we've got a habit/addiction - either to each other- the old "security" , whatever. something more superficial and maybe more "real". we both may be kidding ourselves - me by thinking he is mlc- him thinking i'll "swallow" it all (forever???) he is nutty enough to think it- we're both incredibly stubborn...
My own addiction to self improvement & knowing (me)& what's going on with me & my life - my lifetime of "working" on me- an obsession really. (i don't know if good to think i'm not perfect or beyond flaws & contribution to problems ) or bad - selfish? ) maybe i'd say if i have a giant neurosis it's this thing of (never having) but WANTING some certainty & security. human condition huh? looking for "ground under our feet" in an uncertain world. I can either crucify myself or be philosophical - like everything else it comes down to this: i've felt it A MILLION TIMES. EVERY SINGLE THING IS EITHER INCREDIBLY SIMPLE OR INCREDIBLY COMPLEX- AND doesn't really MATTER which. "answer" equally hard to come by. i'm probably buddhist btw - i do think we're all one and everyone wants to be happy - and should be. i think sometimes we're all the very same entity - possibly-
I know but do not like knowing that i am the only guy i can be sure of in life. Even my "best" sister became an adult that was changeable- who ever "knows" who is the REAL person inside? the one they were - or became - or immersed in their own addictions? i struggle with that one - would the real _______ please stand up. it seems important to KNOW - it may be unknowable.
i feel compelled to try and help- to fix, make happy- try to understand, bekind, etc.
oh yeah- my other addiction- TOOO F'ING ANALYTICAL in life about people - relationships, etc. I NEED TO SHUT UP THIS BRAIN......
i'd say my dad dying when i was 18 and the reality that someone as big and safe as your dad could die (THE GUY that took care of us all) - well- you can see where that goes. I would not say it ever disabled me- i go around being all tough and "i can either do this or endure it" - i know it's there tho- the knowledge
IN MY R - my take would be we each mean too much to the other to just disappear or want to- HOWEVER - it could be merely habit. i know for me- i cannot say if i'd run rite out if i met someone else satisfactory... who knows til at that point. i cannot imagine it - yet after this dump-on-me-fest - it sounds mighty nice to be liked for yourself instead of reverse - who knows??
? . He has this ow thing going on- which he's prepared to throw over his whole life with me for- what does that mean? YET - he has not walked out - he certainly could have at any point in last ten or whatever years he's been "unhappy". HE HOLDS ALLLL THE CARDS - well, legally & financially. of course emotionally i can take myself out of the picture at time too- now that i know "what it really is" - but what the heck is it - really???
i even wonder - at the end of the day- if the mlc thing is real or a convenient fabrication (lable) for us all. when i read the description- a litebulb went on over my head. i could be wrong tho and it could merely be cheating for fun and because i've made it sooooo very easy for him to do.
i can't even analyze our r any more. i can see things about both of us good and bad- i can't care about it anymore and can also see that i'm working on me more . LETTING GO of a heck of alot of crappola there.
PARTIAL problem with progress is that i decided much like Mach1 that i would "shut up and give this a try" for an undertermined but limited time" and see what was what. loosely- "til i had something better going on" to be "going to". whatever that might be.
at the very beginning a friend who went thru something similar but stayed with h - said her 3-times divorced lawyer (woman) said to her "don't be too anxious to rush out the door. look at the familiarity & "security?" (even with problems) of life you're in and what is "out there". You may be rushing right out to nothing at all . "THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHAT EXACTLY YOU ARE RUSHING TO - BEFORE YOU DO IT" it stuck in my head big time.
so me huh? hopelessly prudent - whether i should be or not - who knows???
i'm getting "lost" here.
grief & disbelief were my overriding initial responses (phases). honestly- i am amazed i survived the sheeer pain & mental "fog". yay me...
some months later i made the decision to give db "a try" - because quite frankly the why why why, how could he , how could he- should i leave, should i stay- was all driving me nuts.
i had not yet accepted - but i was willing to set aside a bit of the judging the insanity & injustice a bit to just stop that constant internal dialog. it's better- not all gone. made a sign this morning saying "stop thinking" to remind myself sometimes to just quit it if i get going there.
sometimes i blame us both-
i have an addiction i need to conquer. as i see it. everything in the universe aside- i turned a blind eye to this guy's quirkie selfishness becasue it wasn't directed at me. i misread & reconfigured to suit myself & my little world. i see the "sham" - . i was very happy to be the object of his ocd. now i'm not- i'm not too happy about it. it felt very nice- do i accept a bit of it only? am i thinking i'm holding out for something that will never come again??? is this in fact mlc? or am i still deluding myself and it's OVER totally. anyone's call.
since he is still here (despite how much I'VE made him "unhappy"(????)and how unfettered he's always kept himself legally ) and i'm still here in spite of how much i wonder if he's worth it or not- mlc or not- just a stupid cheating jerk or a nice guy going thru "something" - - i assume we have some unfathomable "something" linking us -
SOOOO- REAL ISSUE IS - AM I CRAZY OR NOT??? who knows? all the people i know that are truly certifiable - as in, by the mental health authorities - don't know it. ta da.....
i can forgive myself for being all of the above- i think we're all just human and want the same things. none of us perfect. I did try my best (even if i see my limits and shortcomings - my heart loved unstintingly). i still believe in love and that counts for something (alot? - all?)
if he cannot give me the benefit of the doubt in judging me- then we are doomed and it's his problem if he cannot value (if it's the only thing here in question) a essentially good person who might have loved him soo unqualifiedly. to me- it seems like a very good thing. to him perhaps it is soul-sucking (my words) undesireable. difference in people.. - he's entitled to his feelings too.
immersed in simultaneous phone w/sister over my mom's misplaced trust ($$$) in my older sister- need to blow- sorry for dis-jointed & long "rant"?? xxo
don't be too anxious to rush out the door. look at the familiarity & "security?" (even with problems) of life you're in and what is "out there". You may be rushing right out to nothing at all .
I agree, my mom divorced my dad the next day after she thought of it. Divorced, they worked out their issues, remarried. Years later she was done again, divorced, 3yrs later, together again.
It's so stupid to discard people you love so fast. Some sitch really warrant a separation...but if it was ever good (great) in the first place it deserves the respect of time. That's my justification - time to work, grow, maybe even heal.
It's the not knowing when to stop beating a dead horse. But, I am a true believer that when it's dead, we will know it, it's just making sure we can except it. Until then we are ridding the coaster!
i turned a blind eye to this guy's quirkie selfishness becasue it wasn't directed at me. i misread & reconfigured to suit myself & my little world.
Me too! A real nerd my guy, kinda a geek, smart, quirky, unconventional, a little dungens and dragons fan in there. But, it was enduring, love shot my way, accommodating, fitting for me as I am a little eclectic myself.
There was selfishness also but I'm kinda a cool girl who pulls her hair up and either hangs with the guy stuff or goes off on my own. He was always right were I left him when I got back. Reliable, constant, loyal!
It's that stuff he took away from me (Reliable, constant, loyal) that is so gut wrenchingly painful. He was better than my parents growing up, all I thought a family should be.
Do we think that stuff we miss in still in there? It is what we want-right? Do we think it's there for ow-it's not! That is a whole other sitch of pain and hurt their going throw. She doesn't have your H as you know him, not at all.
i have to reread this post- you made some great declarations here. good rant-thanks!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
It's so stupid to discard people you love so fast. Some sitch really warrant a separation...but if it was ever good (great) in the first place it deserves the respect of time. That's my justification - time to work, grow, maybe even heal.
wow- it is a big insight to your own perseverence and patience. i'm learning a lesson from you (have alot really) - you have lived it- i've just been looking around. i feel like you in this respect- i know i rant allover town- then i feel like you do. i hope i can hang in there and hold it together. i always thought i had some fortitude & control- this is definitely testing me to the max.
Quote:
It's the not knowing when to stop beating a dead horse.
you cracked me up with this- i'm thinking we'll notice by the smell and it will be unbearable . like anything well & truly dead, dead , dead. (fingers crossed)
you know- me too - with the quirky guy that seemed to be such a good fit for me. i guess if we felt it- it was there. where the heck that guy got to - who knows??? is he still in there - you know, who knows??? is he worth looking/waiting for? i guess you and i think so or we wouldn't be here.
you are too kind to just NOT say - whew - get a stinking grip woman. i wondered after i posted - my sister was making my head explode with her long story . i should not have picked up the phone. when will i learn? we wonder.
anyway- thank you and i'm going to go apply for these stupid finger prints, etc. or die. have a wonderful day.
i think we will know!!?? my brain says don't get your hopes up- my heart says who knows? anything is possible (and i always secretly think if one loved enough things would come rite.) now you know what a secret nutball i am. i could be crazy- very probably am- who knows??? and i forgot the darn lottery ticket last nite!!!oiy.
someone told me winners are usually purchased on thursdays! can you imagine... now i've made myself laugh- well, that and my possible stinking dead horse.... get up you varmit- get up , get up and run...pooooor old dobbin
