I am starting a new chapter because everything changed last night.
Wife confronted me last night about her plans. She is moving out and states that she wants a Divorce! We had a very long conversation that lasted late into the night. Did not sleep much as is expected.
I handled it very well, I think. Did not get upset nor allow my emotions to overtake me. I was very calm and I told her I understood her feelings. All the reading of other posts has prepared me for last night. I was like a recording of all that I read. I told her that I do not want a D and if she wants to go down that road that it is up to you. I will not help you nor try to control you in any way.
I really could go and cut/paste other posts and comments that she said. I was listening to her and thinking wow I have read all of this before. I also told her that this is your decision and you have to tell the kids and try to explain to them your reasoning. She was a little shocked but did agree. The kids are going to stay with me and we are not leaving the house.
Thats it for now, I have so many questions and thoughts about this sad direction we are heading towards.
This is very sad to hear, but you clearly handled it well. Have you talked to a Lawyer yet? If not you need to so you understand your options and the procedures in your state.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Sorry to hear this If she brings up D again, you might ask if she'll consider a trial S. Ask her if she's willing to table D talk for now and just move out for a while and see how it goes. My W talked about D early on, but once she became set on S the D talks ended. It hasn't been brought up in months at this point. S tends to take a lot of the pressure off a WAS.
I have not given the lawyer idea much thought. Never had to, I guess I am hoping that it will not get to that. Are you saying its good idea to do that earlier than wait until she starts that ball in motion.
I asked her last night about trial S. She seemed surprise, she said all that I have told you tonight and your still wanting to stay married to me? Yea duh..
I have not given the lawyer idea much thought. Never had to, I guess I am hoping that it will not get to that. Are you saying its good idea to do that earlier than wait until she starts that ball in motion.
I asked her last night about trial S. She seemed surprise, she said all that I have told you tonight and your still wanting to stay married to me? Yea duh..
You may want to talk with a Lawyer before you sign any informal agreements. Just to know what your rights are...
Another thing to think about....
If you DO see a lawyer, I would pick the meanest SOB around to consult with...
Maybe even do a consult with 3 or 4 of the toughest ones in your area....
That way, if anything come your way, legally, she can't use them against you.
Keep in mind, you are only consulting a Lawyer so that you know your rights.
You are protecting your best interests throughout this process.
You should never use any of that to go on the offensive with her. Nor should you tell her that you did see a Lawyer.
Don't confuse the legal side of things with the emotional side of things. And that is what you are seeing now.
To her, she is already emotionally divorced from you, and the "legal" side is the only thing keeping her from being free.
I asked her last night about trial S. She seemed surprise, she said all that I have told you tonight and your still wanting to stay married to me? Yea duh..
Try to phrase things as if you and she are on the same side of this. You don't want her to feel like you're applying pressure to her. If she wants out of the M and you constantly remind her that you want to stay in the M, you're creating conflict and pressure. That drives her farther away. So a better response to the above would be "Honestly W, I'm confused right now. I don't know what I want. I think a trial S would be best for both of us, it would give us time to think about things and contemplate the future with or without each other." The reason you want to say things like this is because SHE is confused! SHE wants to comtemplate the future. So when she hears you say the exact same thing she's thinking, she suddenly feels you're both on the same page! You've removed the conflict and pressure, she now thinks you both want the same thing!
And also you've planted the seeds of doubt. Suddenly she hears you saying that you're NOT SURE you want the M. You need to THINK about it. Uh oh, what happened here? Is her fallback position unraveling? Could she lose you? She may not react to that right away, but keep planting the seeds of doubt and they'll start growing.
Sorry to hear about your sitch. Yes lawyer up just to know your rights, and yes agree don't use this info against her just sit on it to just know your rights.
If it was me I'd tell her do trial separation for the kids' sake. Then do LRT, hopefully the space that you'd give her will eliminate the pressure she's feeling right now.
Keep us posted DM.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Sounds like she tried to make you not want to stay married!! They just have to do everything possible in their mind to make us stay away!! I'm sorry she said it and brought it all up. But I think you did well!
And I agree with AnotherStander! You can come up with really reasonable responses! If my H brings D up, I'm hoping I could stay cool and say something like that!
I think you should be present when she tells the kids. Reason being, she will want to tell them that both of you agreed that this was best. But you didn't agree, right? She should tell them, and you need to be there to make sure she tells it correctly.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had copied this onto your old thread, but I'll paste it again b/c you need to apply this more than ever. It's my word picture of dropping the rope.
"Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If she brings up D again, you might ask if she'll consider a trial S. Ask her if she's willing to table D talk for now and just move out for a while and see how it goes. My W talked about D early on, but once she became set on S the D talks ended. It hasn't been brought up in months at this point. S tends to take a lot of the pressure off a WAS.