Yesterday was very emotional and tuff. Doing much better today so far. Going to C tonight. Will see what she suggests.
Wife has moved most of her clothes and bathroom things out. Sure is strange to look in to the closet and only see my clothes. She did go shopping for us last night and stuck around for dinner. Said that if it is ok she wants to stop and check on us in the evenings. It is nice to see her but sort of strange when she said that coming to the house makes her sick. Is this normal and is this a good sign?? I am sure it to see the kids.
I did ask her to remove her name from our accounts and to start her own. She agreeded, I hope that was a smart move. But if she wants to be free and independent then she needs to spend her money only. I told her that I would leave her on my health insurance, car insurance, and that i would continue to pay her car payment. She does not make enough to supply these needs yet. I am really trying to be the best friend anyone could have through this. But I do want to be careful and not be her sugar daddy and using this for expectations or false hopes.
How should I handle money? Should I completely cut her off? Should I offer to help her? She does not make enough with her new job to survive on her own yet. She is moving in with her parents for now.
Don't cut her off totally, but don't give her everything either. Be fair and firm, but reasonably flexible.
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What type of healthy boundaries should I set? Should I allow her to come home whenever, like for dinner on weeknights? What if she offers to help around house like cook, clean or shopping? Do I say we dont need your help to show her that I am strong? When I really do need help.
It is wise of you to consider this now. Spend some time deciding what works best for YOU and your kids, and then set your boundaries accordingly.
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Basically I want to be strong but not in away that will close the door for future reconciling. I think I should try to be her best friend and help if she asks, but not offer help unless she asks. So not to appear as controlling or pleading. Also I do not want to do something where she will use it against me if we divorce. Trying to cover my butt when I am scared to death of future...
Sounds like a good plan to me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Said that if it is ok she wants to stop and check on us in the evenings.
Decide what boundary you want to set for that. Are you letting her walk in like she still lives there? Or does she need to knock and wait for you to answer? Let her know what your boundary is. Also let her know if it's OK to come by any old time, or if she needs to call first or what. If it were me I'd tell her to knock and I'd tell her to arrange visits with you beforehand. She needs to start experiencing what it's like to no longer be a part of the family and to feel a bit like an outsider.
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It is nice to see her but sort of strange when she said that coming to the house makes her sick. Is this normal and is this a good sign??
It makes her sick to come over? I haven't heard that one before.
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I told her that I would leave her on my health insurance, car insurance, and that i would continue to pay her car payment. She does not make enough to supply these needs yet.
I would give her a deadline on that. It's fine that you want to help, but she left and she needs to start feeling the ramifications of her decision. So tell her you'll pay the car payment and insurance for 3 months (or whatever term you decide) and after that she needs to make her own arrangements. That would be appropriate. Paying these costs indefinitely is just being a doormat.
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I am really trying to be the best friend anyone could have through this. But I do want to be careful and not be her sugar daddy and using this for expectations or false hopes.
I think you're exactly right, and that will be the perception if you keep paying indefinitely.
"Said that if it is ok she wants to stop and check on us in the evenings. It is nice to see her but sort of strange when she said that coming to the house makes her sick. Is this normal and is this a good sign?? I am sure it to see the kids."
It's called eating cake.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You asked if her wanting to come by the house every evening to see the kids was a good sign. I'm just saying that it's not a sign of anything, other than cake eating. She's taking the best of both worlds.
Maybe getting soft is a 180 for you, but it seems to me that you need to call some of these shots. You give all the power to her and you act as if you're helpless. Women are not attracted to helpless men. And.....she needs to see you first as a man. She needs to respect you first as a man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was feeling the same thing. The one thing that bugs me is when she told me that she was leaving was one of her main reasons was that we were sending the wrong message to the kids. By living as roommates, like the kids knew what was not happening in the bedroom. Talk about the wrong message, I am leaving but I will stop and see you around dinner time. I know I am confused.
So I will have to figure out the best way to cross that bridge. It does feel wimpy, also my anger is so close to boiling that seeing her right now is not helping. I thought I was mad before she left but now it seems to be worse. I do not have a anger issue on the outside but I keep it all bottled up. Which is not good.
The one thing that bugs me is when she told me that she was leaving was one of her main reasons was that we were sending the wrong message to the kids. By living as roommates, like the kids knew what was not happening in the bedroom.
So did you suggest an appropriate fix might be to start having sex in front of the kids all the time? LOL! That is one of the most absurd WAS justifications I've heard yet!
AS, that's hilarious. Glad we can laugh at such hard times. The W came over again tonight and knocked before coming in. Is that crazy or what. I still have not set any boundaries. Still trying to figure out how to be her best friend and have a PMA when she comes around. Even though I really do not want to see her or talk to her. Is that normal? I still love her but the damage has been done. My heart has been broken, stabbed, run over and I do not want to allow myself to be hurt again. Is this real detachment? Or have I lost the love? I still think of her but the wound is so fresh. What do you think?
Lol, one of the many changing reasons I got was that "It has been too long since we have been friends and not lovers." umm considering on adverage we ML several times a week, most weeks and the longest time with out was generally a week and a half when he was away for work, that comment sent my head whirling! He was constantly slapping my arse and stuff,.. I guess that's just how friends behave?!
The way your feeling now could very well just be a faze! I didn't have the anger but felt the rest but it only lasted maybe three or four days. It really is a rollercoaster ride.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
