My story - help please

[theUF]

8.5 and S

That is married to me. Common-inlaw marriage to say the least.

Yep, I felt the same way. That's why I posted here even though we are not.

If that is that. Then I would only pay money to support the child. No more.

She says she want half of what she is intiteled to. No more. Just enough for S. She wants to make it work herself, and not take from me without needing it.

Even when we were together she would very seldom ask for money if she had little herself.
Often I didn't really notice what we were missing, so she bought herself. I see that more clearly now.

I would find out for a lawyer what my rights are here and what I need to do on the financial support.

I've read up on this quite alot, but will continue to find out more. We have a meeting scheduled were we will get help making some official papers on how arrangements should be.

Then do no more.

You mean like no contact?
We have 1 day a week where we take S for a class together.
I've realized though, that I need to work on my detachment. It's not nearly where I thought it was. (surprise huh? )

[theUF]

Hm. A bit of an akward situation. Could really use some neutral advice from someone else

We went to weekly appointment with S. Usually all fun and laughs, but today she was somewhat upset and not cheerful at all.

She said she was tired, but shortly after made a comment about how she didn't know what to do this weekend as S was going to stay at my place and she didn't have any plans.

I stayed positiv and cheerful, but didn't offer to come to the rescue. I'm not the-last-resort-guy.

But, The same day as our meeting she is putting final touches on one of her tattoos. The guy she was flirting with while we were together works there.

So today before we go our own ways, she hesitates and ask if I can pick up S from child care and have him while she gets tattooed. I said I could have him the whole day, but she had the day off so that was out of the question.

So to sum up :

-Obviously it's purely so she can do her own thing.
-I can only have him while she gets tattooed.
-The "OM" is working at the same place, not sure if he is working that day.
-But, I'm also depended on her being flexible with me sometimes

My take : I will say no. Not out of jealousy or spite. But because I have to have boundaries. This seems to me like a true classic chit test! I could not respect myself if I said yes. Either I have him most of the day or not at all.

I'm sure she will get angry, upset and feel like I'm just ruining stuff for her, but so be it.

I'm thinking of saying something like "I've considered and come to the conclusion that I can have him most of the day or not at all. I see it's purely for your own sake, and on top of that you are going to the workplace of the guy you were flirting with while we were together while I babysit our S. I'm not saying no out of jealousy or spite, but out of respect for myself."

What do you guys think?

[chatterbug]

Agree. Is she a mother or not?

If it was for work or doctor's or family emergency. Sure.

But because it is an inconvenience for her. Tough cookies.

Just reply back that you are busy and will not be able to get S from child care.

Do not give the speech.

[chatterbug]

8.5 and S

That is married to me. Common-inlaw marriage to say the least.

Yep, I felt the same way. That's why I posted here even though we are not.

If that is that. Then I would only pay money to support the child. No more.

She says she want half of what she is intiteled to. No more. Just enough for S. She wants to make it work herself, and not take from me without needing it.

Even when we were together she would very seldom ask for money if she had little herself.
Often I didn't really notice what we were missing, so she bought herself. I see that more clearly now.

I would find out for a lawyer what my rights are here and what I need to do on the financial support.

I've read up on this quite alot, but will continue to find out more. We have a meeting scheduled were we will get help making some official papers on how arrangements should be.

Then do no more.

You mean like no contact?
We have 1 day a week where we take S for a class together.
I've realized though, that I need to work on my detachment. It's not nearly where I thought it was. (surprise huh? )

Get a contract in place for the child support and co-parenting plan.

If she does not want much. Then get it in writing and signed. Get it binding.

That way you know for the next 18 years when you will have your son. You will know how much you have to pay in support.

You can plan your life around this.

This is very important.

[theUF]

Exactly.

She planned her appointment. It's her inconvenience.
I fail to see why I should take her consequenceses upon me.

I feel I'm really taking the high-road here.
Several friends/co-workers etc have told me how impressed they are at my mature attitude and how well I'm handling this.

Despite this my X seems to think I'm lurking, waiting to attack her. And several times she disrespects me.

It hurts, and pushes me away. I still feel for her, and just tonight I had a dream about how we reconciled and how happy we were.

Just to wake up to the reality; being alone, sick and still having to go to work lol!

[Soul.Searching]

I agree with Chatterbug. That's not fair that she asked you to mind your S for her own convenience but will not let you spend the day with him. That's just insane.

[theUF]

Thanks SS!

Wish I would realize straight away when she asked. I'm trying to be more reflective and less reactive, so I chose to think before giving her an answer. In this case though, I should have seen the crazy in it straight away.

[Soul.Searching]

Yeah, I'm having the same problems. I think the heightened emotional state plays a big part, at least for me. I have always been clear headed and think a few months ago, I would have been able to DB a lot easier. My head is just really cloudy ATM.

Oh well, Practice makes perfect, right? Don't be too hard on yourself.

[theUF]

Wow Emotional morning. Woke up feeling a bit depressed and lost.

- I see her as a changed woman, for the worse. It makes me doubt if I would even want her in my life. Maybe for the best, but still hurts to see the girl I loved is lost.

- I packed all her stuff, including romantic gifts she gave to me and R stuff. When ready I will give it to her and she can do with it as she pleases.

- I dream about her/us, and still have feelings for her. We've been through so much and gone through stages of life together. From kids to adults.

Me and S have been invited to dinner, so I told her this morning about our plans and if it was ok I would drop him of in the afternoon.

*She said she had laid plans for them.
*I said ok, but it's my weekend, I feel I should be the one making plans with him then?
*She said I should give notice the day before then. I agreed and told her I should've given her notice straight away. Noted.

She wouldn't let it go and started arguing and name calling. I kept my calm and told her how arguing wouldn't lead to anything good. No luck though.

She said we should reconsider or at least discuss child support arragnements because she had talked to a colleauge who was intiteled to a lot more then what my x is.

I told her, wait what? You talked to a colleauge of yours;
A total different person.
In a totally different life situation.
In a totally different break up.
and this person is going to dictate how we handle things? What's that about?

We already agreed on child support, and she only wanted half. I said fine, good for you wanting to make it on your own, but of course if needed I will be there with more. I told her it would be clear how much would really be needed as things started to settle.
BUT, I don't want you to use it against me or constantly bring up how I COULD be forced to pay more. Then there is no point. She has done this twice already and the documents aren't even signed yet.

Again, she started arguing and name calling. How I am an idiot, that only BS comes out of my mouth, and how I don't want to support S or her. I told her this was going nowhere and we will discuss when feelings have calmed down.

She constantly tells me "she is trying to be nice here". Like telling me I'm making it hard though.
What? Really? She is trying to be nice? What have I done to deserve otherwise? I have been nothing but civil about this.


1. Why is she acting this way? She wanted to possibly discuss when I drop of son. Maybe I will ask her what's up? Is she feeling regret? Is she dating someone else? Is she fearing I will make her life difficult? Why these extreme changes from pleasent to attack mode?

2. Maybe I should let our past be past, let her go completely and move on with my life. If only it was that easy huh?

[Soul.Searching]

Wait,.. You have to arrange with her, what your doing with you S on your weekend? Or are you talking about something you wanted to do in her time?

Maybe she is having difficulties moving on? She might be resenting that you seem to be getting your life in order. I don't know. She sounds confused.