She invited me to spend a couple of hours on halloween with her(and family) and S.
I agreed. Which is not giving her space to find out what she wants, but I have to put my time with S first.
Will journal a bit later on.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
She also asked me to go shop a bit at a particular store, with her and S. My plan was to go shopping alone once she picked him up, turns out she was planning to go to the exactly same store.
Well, I went with them. Don't know if I should have though. It was ok, we talked, laughed and smiled a bit, but otherwise it's more of the same. She asked me to go to another shop with them, but I declined and went on my errands.
It's been several weeks since she even stayed more than a couple of minutes, and now we are back were she wants to do things again. A bit sick of it.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
A bit of journaling with a couple questions thrown in at the bottom
So yesterday was a bit interesting, at least introspectively.
To sum up the actions of the day I went after work to pick up S. Had a chat with X while dressing S; nice, polite, even had a few small laughs. Then ;
I asked her how she felt about, and, if she agreed that we should not expose S to other people before a certain establishment had been made and would it be best to notify the other before hand? I was expecting this whole comforting talk where she would "pretend" to spare my feelings. Instead she got upset and angry. I don't remember the conversation in it's whole as it was a bit chaotic, but it went something along the lines of ;
Her: telling me how she had worried about the thing she told me about the day care centre "incident" and how bad she felt if I had misunderstood or read too much into it.
Me: telling her I had come past that and understood, but this was something we had to talk about anyway. (She then changed to upset and angry)
Her: telling me how it is not something that is of current interest, and we could deal with it when it became a problem.
Me: telling her how I understand, but if we talked about it beforehand it wouldn't necessarily become a big problem. But anyway I felt we should not take it lightly.
Her: In a sharp tone expressing how it would never be taken lightly.
And I think that was the end of conversation.
Afterwards the talking got light and pleasant again. I really didn't expect her to react that way, but I try not to read anything into it.
I saw a movie in the evening, and afterwards I put the lights out. The last light is close to the living room window, which has a view over the city. I ended up standing in the window for quite some time, just staring out over the city. I felt my situation sinking in, I could really feel how the facts became a bit more clear. She really left me, I'm alone. I won't be able to see my S full-time. I felt a bit sad, a bit angry, a bit careless. In general though I felt like even with all this heartbreak, I'm still here. I'm still strong. I'm living my life. Along with the negative feelings came a small hint of relief.
Couple years back I struggled with depression/anxiety(and a.attacks). At the same time I had R problems. I didn't seek help. I kept it mostly to myself, but I was a complete mess. I fell completely apart(physically, socially, mentally) and it took no effort to break me time and time again. It was a very hard time and sometimes I felt I would never recover.
When she left I was afraid I would have to go through that all over. But today, staring out the window I realized that I'm still here. Even though this whole ordeal is exhausting, I'm still standing. I'm still keeping my life together and going strong. It felt releaving to see something positive in all this! 1. I felt the need to clarify about OP and S. Maybe I shouldn't have done it? (As I feel I'm not done and moving on)
2. Today she again seeks contact, and she also invited me to spend a couple of hours with her and S tomorrow. I don't know if I can continue this type of "as if nothing" contact. I feel like somewhere down the road I have to tell her I still love her, I hoped for us to be a family, but that I need to focus on me and not that which is lost. Try to keep contact to minimum. Scary thought. Has anyone been through this in a similar way?
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Through boundaries we train people how to treat us.
We cannot control what people will do.
We can only control what we do. What we accept.
Do not be afraid to express your thoughts.
But remember its her choice to cross your boundaries.
This is one of those situations where you can state how you do not like it and how it will affect your thoughts and actions towards her.
But do it in a quiet , calm and collect manor.
Then drop it.
As its out of your control.
Showing no emotions here and communicating is leading.
A long drawed out conversation with pleading and anger is weak.
If you cannot lead then wait to speak your boundary.
Because the choices of her actions can only be your choices.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
So be cool , calm and collect. And always be respectful.
Was it like that ?
Either way you stated your thoughts.
To answer your other question.
Yep.... go read this forum it goes back to 2001.
Its the same story over and over.
People are really not that complicated. Relationships are not that different. We all are basically the same. Read what worked and what did not. Adjust your thoughts to the desired outcome.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Today she again seeks contact, and she also invited me to spend a couple of hours with her and S tomorrow. I don't know if I can continue this type of "as if nothing" contact.
Well you have to do what's right for you. Personally I'm engaging in a ton of that kind of stuff with W. Last night she stayed at my house with S9 while I took D15 shopping for her bday. Tonight she's coming over to hand out candy while I take S9 trick-or-treating. Tomorrow we're all going out to dinner for D15's bday. Friday we're all going to D15's drill performance together. Saturday we're having a party for D15, D18 is coming in from college. Does it bother me being around W that much? Not at all. Do I get sad when I look at her, pine for the good old days? Nope. I don't have to act "as if" everything is fine, because that's just the way I feel now. Everything IS fine. I don't care if W is there or not, I have fun regardless. And I don't have to act like I have a PMA, because I DO have a PMA. Sure you have to force it at first, but it does get easier and easier until you don't have to act anymore. This doesn't work for everyone, some people are just torn up being around their WAS. You just have to decide what works for you. I would say try to be around them more and see how it goes. You can always detach more later.
Quote:
I feel like somewhere down the road I have to tell her I still love her, I hoped for us to be a family, but that I need to focus on me and not that which is lost.
That's what detachment and GAL will tell her in actions. You don't need to say it, show it to her.
Chatterbug : I've stayed pretty much cool, calm, and collected. Today I was cool and calm, but didn't manage to stay completely collected. Oh well.
AnotherStander : Wow, that's quite the schedule I'm happy to hear you're in a place where you are ok with the present. It should be a good place to be. And I guess you're right, there's no real rush. If I come to a point where I can't have contact I can always tell her then.
Baaaah, Today was a huge mess.
She invted me over to go trick-or-treat with her and S. We laughed and things went off to a good start. I was ready to go outside and went over to ask if she was ready. She was on the computer, I figured doing something with photos of the costumes or something as she didn't hide what she was doing. Turns out she is talking with the "possible OM".
I didn't read, I just looked away when I saw what she was doing. I didn't react, but considered what to do. I ended up waiting til we were alone and told her that although she is free to talk to whoever she wants, I felt she could choose not to talk to "OM" when she invites me over.
Like I feared she just frowned in a "I knew it was coming"kind of way. Before I would have reacted to this. I didn't. I had said what I needed to say, if she chooses to disrespect me like that again I will leave(for the day).
So we went out trick or treating and had a realively good time. Still felt it gnawing, but managed to let it go. Then :
She brought up the meeting which will be a week from now, so I used the chance to tell her I really wanted more time with son than we talked about first. She was a bit confused and then went completely offensive/defensive. Crying and walking away. I caught up to her and told her to calm down. She was completely distant, and then startet talking about how I had to choose my battles and she would never agree and would fight me. I told her we would talk before I left.
I was a bit put out by her reaction. I mean, I was just throwing it out there! Retrospectively though, she might have thought this was my reaction to her texting OM. That I wanted to punish her or "take S from her". This was not the case at all.
We had a talk before I left. I'm glad we did. I explained how I would never use S as a weapon and I would always put him before my own anger/sadness/bitterness. That I truly wanted us to be able to communicate. That I wanted to meet her in the middle, and that I really didn't want to fight her in this. I told her that neither of us know what lies in the future, so we need to have something on black and white.
She explained her thoughts and feelings, how she felt she had nothing but S. How everything was chit. She felt I was never around before we broke up, but NOW I suddenly want to have S all the time. She felt she was letting me have S all the time and didn't ask for a lot of money. She was giving, but what was I giving?
I told her I understood and I realised I had been not been around as much as I should. That I had been stupid, and got burned for my mistakes.
We both cried a bit, and she had a couple of long sad stares. Like she wanted some reaction or wanted to say something.
I don't know what to say about the conversation, but it felt really good to vent to each other and to see some real feelings.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Thanks chatterbug, you cut right to the point. First off, I added some info in my signature, should have done it before but it slipped my mind.
To sum up, we are not married, she left and there is no R between us. We still have some contact, but no physical. IOW she has no spousal "obligations".
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
Next time follow through on your boundary. If she texts OM or communicates with him in your presence. Get up and leave. State why your leaving and leave.
Definetly, I will, and I will keep my calm while doing it. She is free to talk to whoever she wants and do whatever she wants. BUT, I don't have to be exposed to it. I can choose to stay away from it. That's not me being angry, controlling or confronting. It's me looking out for me, right?
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
That you will no longer spend time with her period while the OM is in the picture.
(O)M being in the picture is out my control. She is free. I can choose to stay away from her as long as he is though, but for now I don't feel the need.
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
What are you giving ? You spending time with your cheating wife in a friendly civil manor. Your giving her money when you do not have to.
You gave at the first part of the marriage by explaining your work situation. She agreed to it.
Then she decided that was no longer good for her and went off and got OM.
So now your giving by trying to be in S's life and repair a broken marriage.
That is giving.
I wish she would see it the same way. And maybe she will. In the conversations I explained to her that :
Feelings don't just disappear.
I'm feeling hurt, angry, sad and frustrated all the time.
But I'm not letting my feelings get in the way of what is important. I'm being friendly, I'm meeting her halfway. I'm keeping S as my 1. priority.
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
You gotta see these emotional manipulation games for what they are.
To deflect her poor choices on to you and make it into what she says your poor choices are that excuses her current poor actions.
That is what that whole conversation was about.
You know, I didn't see it that way. But, it makes sense, complete sense. Thanks for putting things in perspective.
Perspective is really a key word. It's easy to lose when feelings are involved. My friend has R problems. I told him it's funny how I'm able to give him good advice because I see things in a neutral manner, but when dealing with my own R, I'm just as lost as he is.
She's been living with her parents til now, she called today and told me she found a place for her and S in my city. Just a couple minutes drive from me. I don't know if it will have a positiv or negative impact on whatever might be left between us, but at least things are happening(no limbo). And S is closer.
Thanks again CB, I will keep contact for now. But if we meet up for whatever reason, and she spends her time contacting (o)M, I will leave.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I'm happy to hear you're in a place where you are ok with the present. It should be a good place to be. And I guess you're right, there's no real rush. If I come to a point where I can't have contact I can always tell her then.