H emails me yesterday to discuss pick up of girls, He tells me the babysitter will bring the girls to his place since he is working until 2 am. My typical response would have been to say well they can stay with me until the morning and then you can pick them up when you wake up.
Instead I just said That is rough and I would have the girls all packed and ready.
I am really proud of myself for not trying to rescue him. This doesn't mean I wouldn't do him a favor but he can ask me for a favor if he needs it, I don't have to assume and jump in
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I'm sorry but if he has to work until 2:00 am why wouldnt he just pick them up in the AM? He's going to stick them with a babysitter while he's at work when they could be with you? I'm sorry but that irritates me. Sounds like my H. My H blew up while at mediation that how dare she (me) infer that she (me) is a better parent than I am? But yet who leaves all the time? Who is the "Disneyland dad"?
Hang in there BK. I don't know if I could have not said anything. Kudos to you!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
My D4 made these lamented signs for mom & dad at school, it was like whats you mom/dad favorite color, what food do they like, what do you like to do with them?
The answer for what do you like to do with them for me, was play and help make cookies. The answer for what do you like to do with Dad, was watch TV.
I feel really good about my decision to let the girls go with the babysitter. Our babysitter is part of the family. I didn't need to rescue him when he didn't ask to be rescued.
Sometime in the future I may need to jump in to protect the kids but the other night was not the case.
I find such comfort coming to these boards and reading everyones stories and getting feedback. Thks Again
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Hey 2tp can't wait to read the update on your switch you sound great. All your GALing is shinning through in your attitude.
Quick question for the masses. Tonight I was talking to my D4 at bed time about the next few days and how exciting it will be to see various family members. I talked to her about seeing her MA cousins and her Grammy and Poppy (My H parents) and she said are you gonna come see them too?
I told her I wasn't going to visit them. She asked why not? My usual response is I just can't go, but tonight I said your Daddy doesn't want me to go.
I am not proud of my answer but I really don't know how to talk about this with her in an honest way.
She knows that Daddy doesn't live at home. But she has never heard of the word Divorce and I am not gonna be the one to define it.
I don't want to explain things that she is too young to understand but I want to be open with her and not throw her Daddy under the bus because that will make him really HATE me.
Enjoy the weekend with your family. Cherish the love you have
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I don't have kids.. so take this with a grain of salt.
Your H is responsible for his own feelings. IF he feels you threw him under the bus.. that's because he is not ready to deal with the consequences of his actions.. or his truths.
That's on him and you shouldn't worry about protecting him from it. That's not loving..
Nor at the same time should you worry about him hating you. Try not to give him a reason but understand that because there are such crazy emotions for both the LBS and the WAS.. hatred/anger can almost always be found.
However - she is 4 and I'm not really sure what good your response did. 1 - Unless H's parents don't want to see you (sorry I don't know if that is the case) then it shouldn't matter what your H thinks or wants.
And 2 - you don't really know what H feels completely. Making a statement like that without understanding why really can do more damage that good.
What about this response next time.. "I don't know sweetie.. maybe you can ask Daddy next time you see him". If she REMEMBERS.. she will.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I know exactly how torn you feel about this. It's hard when the kids finally start asking questions...
These are the ones I have used so far - not saying this is right or wrong, just what I feel ok doing:
"Mommy, do u miss daddy?" my answer: I know you miss him very much and that you are sad when he is not around. I miss him too, but I am happy to be with you right now!
"Mommy, my friend XX says that mommies and daddies live together and sleep in one bed. I told her that is not true." my answer: Most mommies and daddies live together, but there are different kinds of families like ours, where mommies and daddies don't live together. But that doesn't mean that we don't love you any less. Daddy and I love you with all our heart and that will never change no matter what.
"Mommy, why can't we all be together?" my answer: I know you miss daddy a lot when he is not with you and that you miss me a lot when I am not around. Sometimes daddies and mommies cannot be together, like us. But that is not your fault in any way. On the contrary, we both love you very much and will always do so no matter what. You have done nothing wrong.
I don't use the word divorce (they wouldn't even understand it since they don't even remember us living together anyways).
I also don't send them to ask their dad, because who knows what he will tell them - he is not interested in having a joint approach in how to talk to them. The only thing I know is that he said once to our D4 that we "used to be married." Who knows in what context he put it. I am wondering how he will now explain OW to them since he will introduce her as "daddy's girlfriend" this coming weekend when she will stay with him and the kids.
I also prefer to have them hear the answers directly from me when they ask me so they know I am not avoiding or ignoring their feelings or concerns.
Finally, I don't say anything about H's feelings for me - if he wants me there or not, etc. That is up to him to verbalize to them. My only goal here has been to re-assure them of how much they are loved and that none of this is their fault.
I am sure as they get older, my answers will have to change. Hang in there - you are so strong and have been handling yourself beautifully so far. Stay focused - you can do this!
(((((BK))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Your H is responsible for his own feelings. IF he feels you threw him under the bus.. that's because he is not ready to deal with the consequences of his actions.. or his truths.
That's on him and you shouldn't worry about protecting him from it. That's not loving..
Nor at the same time should you worry about him hating you. Try not to give him a reason but understand that because there are such crazy emotions for both the LBS and the WAS.. hatred/anger can almost always be found.
My mistaken belief that I'm responsible for everyone's feelings can sometimes push me right back on the rollercoaster.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
In Dr. Doolittle there's a line spoken by Chris Rock (he's acting the part of a guinea pig)-- and he says, "Can't save em all Hasselhof." I keep hearing that line in my head lately. I work with kids who have learning disabilities and I've been so heavy at the end of the week. Add that to crazy H,my own kids and I'm feeling really depleted.
Bottom line: can't save em all hasselhof. BUT. I CAN save myself and maybe that will make all the difference.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
