Also, as far as your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role
How does her statement of that touching each other doesn't feel normal fit? Par for the course or not?
Yup. Absolutely. And it may not come back so easily. You have to be VERY patient with her.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
New tread and already so many posts! Great to see how we're all here for each other.
I agree with what everyone has said. I think the progress you have experienced is really fast, so this is why you must be cautious and take things slowly.
After my H's A was over, I thought I had gotten rid of the anger--for a day. Then it would come back two or threefold. Affairs are the hardest things to overcome in a M. I read it takes an average of three years to heal, and that's when the cheating S actually wants to save the M and says they would do whatever it takes to redeem themselves. So, you're not dealing with an easy sitch. The fear about working things out is normal. I experienced it too. When I felt my H was being nicer and that he wanted to get closer to me, a small voice in my head would tell me to stay away. I was afraid of going through the same pain again. So this is a risk you'll have to take. No need to decide on that yet. Keep doing what you're doing, and see small, positive changes happening.
I do think your M does have a good chance to be saved.
Yes in regards to loving all that wonderful support from everyone. I don't know where I'd be other than divorce court and / or a mental hospital if it wasn't for all of you and your support.
Other than standard DBing and taking things slow, any advice for what / how to further improve / prepare myself? You know, to gain better introspection / forgiveness / self development / ease the pain of allowing her to "let it go"?
Journaling / venting ??? Last night W and I are friendly and even a little flirtatious at one point she shares and shows me that she has a new FB friend, an italian male metrosexual model. "He liked some of my photos, I liked some of his." WTF is this? A test or a total slap in my face? I played it off as cool and validated how that must be a nice "ego boost" Is this the next EA. Probably not a PA as he is actually in Italy. But seriously, WTH?
Shortly thereafter we were mutually doing a little laundry, and she slipped and called me "babe" First time she's said that in months. Her pet name for me.
She was into me, in the sense of caring as I wasn't feeling physically good (somewhat due to the FB thing), checking on me and making sure if I needed anything to ask her.
Anyways...feelings now consist of anger, bitterness, resentment, lack of caring in general (even the kids are not keeping me "grounded").
Off to work..oh, and I'm thinking of cancelling my IC appt on Friday, as I don't want to pay to feel bad. ???
Tough, isn't it? I guess you just have to stay detached as much as you can and remember that she is still in the fog. Maybe she was testing you with the FB Italian guy. Wanted to see how you'd react or make you jealous? Who knows? It is a mindf@#k.
Just don't waste time on it. It'll lead nowhere. Keep DBing and be patient.
Cheers
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Ugh. I would be so angry, too. See your W for who she is now, a teenager rebelling against the fact that she's M. She might've been testing you, but subconsciously, so don't try to overanalyze it. This is what you can say next time: Wow, I never thought about checking models' profiles and making them my FB friends. Now that you've shown me, I'll have to do check that out. She will never mention the model again.
Totally hear you when you say you don't want to see the IC. They never helped me. Try to book an appt with Jody. She is worth the $$.
Okay so here is a kick in the....wallet! Don't here anything from W all day until I'm about to leave work. Several texts about how we are evidently overdrawn on our account and are broke. Great right? So that definitely outs a damper on Jody. Thoughts ob CXing IC appt? I have a 24 be so I still have time. He's a nice guy, but again, not sure how helpful he has been other than letting me vent. You all do that for free and offer better advice imo.
Other notes, so I come home, a bit numb and not really surprised about our bank accounts. We have always struggled with budgeting. Fortunately we each get paid the next or two. So we have a talk about money. I did all the bills. I let her know that I was expecting her to use all the accrue info I gave her weeks ago to take care if her stuff. To level the playing field financially and encourage her to participate. We all know she failed on that one. She now realizes that I wasn't being as controlling when it came to expenses. Also, I have asked for her help countless times, before the bomb, but never got it. So reality hit her / us in the face. We talked more, and it ended up in a similar R convo that we've been having. Only exception is that I did let her know I felt done. Tired of the roller coaster and not hanging in for the sake I'd the kids or anything now. It is true (fir now) and jarred her a little. We ended yet another convo with the same fears of returning to a bad M, her being depressed, blah blah. What a wonderful day - note the sarcasm. I'm okay, just not sure at the moment of what direction to take. Going read a little and hope everyone has had / is having a good day / night.
Take it easy mate. This is where you wanted to be a few weeks ago. You spent all this time not focusing on the way you feel because you were so busy DBing and focusing on the way she felt. Now it's starting to hit you and maybe you're wondering if you're doing the right thing. There's a section on this in DR. Have a read (I'm at work now so I can't look it up for you). It says something about what happens to you when the pressure is off and you start getting in touch with your feelings. It talks about how you might end up having second thoughts about going through with it. IMO, that's where you are. It's not the time to give up now. Just take a breather and step back for a bit. As you said, you both get paid soon so the problem can be sorted. You can use this as a tool to get you two working together with a common goal, sorting out your finances.
Take care Afa,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
It does sound tough, afa, but persevere. You're on the right path and you still need to DB like crazy. I know how hard it feels when you've been at it for a while. Don't forget that it's a marathon.
Hang in there.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I see you questioning your decision to see the IC. I would hold off the visits until you feel like going--really feel it. I stuck with my IC forever and all he did was making me feel worse, and telling me to end my M. Waste of time and $$. But it's your decision.
I understand why you got frustrated with your W. But this is the process of her learning to take responsibility. It's a tough process, but failing is the way for her learn she needs to change her ways. I would limit the conv to finances and not to the R, though. Keep that in mind for next time...
