My story - help please

[theUF]

It's my weekend, but usually she would pick him up midday today, that's why I had to arrange with her about him staying longer.

I should have done this sooner though, I completely agree on that, but to start arguing and name calling is overboard.

Might be something to what you said about her resenting the fact I get my life in order, I don't know.

[theUF]

I dropped of S this evening and she was now calm and relaxed. Good. Great actually.

I feel there is no change here though, she gives no signs of changing directions. So today I was a bit more genuin. Or authentic as Tumbling put it. I feel a bit more confident, and maybe the fear of doing the wrong thing is gradually fading?

I told her I was confused at her overboard attacks.
Why this behaviour?
"Are you finding this more difficult than you thought?"
"Do you just want me out of your life as fast as possible?"
"Any other reason?"

She just said she wanted to get things in order quickly.
I told her getting angry is ok, but going overboard and name-calling is not. Sometimes we have to control ourselves.

She "mentioned" me never listening in our R and that I still don't.
I know I listen more, but I also know I have a lot of work on that aspect.

When she got upset in our phone conv I told her I understood this might not be easy for her either, but that she needed to keep her head together.
She brought this up, said she was sick and tired of everybody feeling sorry for her, telling her how this must be hard.

I told her "with all due respect, I said I understood, I tried making sense of your actions. But YOU made this decision, these are your own choices. If there is anyone who shouldn't feel sorry for you, it's gonna be me"

I almost couldn't believe it. She leaves me and dissolve our family, and she is annoyed because she thinks I feel sorry for her?

She also says she doesn't need help from anyone. I told her it's ok to need some help from time to time, we all do. She didn't agree.

[chatterbug]

Stop telling her your confused.

Start leading in those conversations.

LadyUF. If you stop being polite in our communications I will end the call. If you start to yell and insult me I will end the call.

This is where you set a boundary.

Then you live with the boundary.

Teach her what is acceptable to you in communication.

Its then her choice to communicate with you or not.

You are in control of your conversations.

Lead here. It will build respect.

But the key here is to end the angry conversations. I mentioned earlier to record them. Start doing this to protect yourself. And journal about this as well.

And I agree with your thoughts. Give more notice. And offer to drive and drop off.

[theUF]

Thanks again CB.
You make good points and I've re-read your post a couple of times already.

A new step was made today
We went to the meeting, signed the documents about leaving each other, and came to an agreement about S.

The meeting went down without to much hassle. We agreed on most things, and came to a understanding on the rest.
In a couple of months we will have another meeting to discuss if the agreement has worked or not.
I got to say what I found important and so did she.

When the meeting was over we went outside. She stopped, I continued walking, but turned around and told her goodbye, see you. The conv went something like

Me: Goodbye, see you.
Her: Oh, ok.
Me: ? Was there something else?
Her: Is there nothing you want to talk about?
Me: I thought that's what we did back there?
Her: Yeah. Ok. Can you drive me to my car? It's 5 min away
Me: Sure.
Couple min passes.
Her: Are you satisfied with the meeting and such?
Me: In this context satisfied is a strong word, but I thought it went down quite ok considering.

She suddenly started getting agitated and said I should stop feeling sorry for her and stop trying to be her "shrink". I told her, I'm definitly not, don't mean for it to come across that way.

She still was agitated and I told her to calm down.
She didn't.
I told her if she couldn't get a grip, conv is over and we will talk another time.

Her: You're acting weird! You say you have plans all the time! And you talk about how we should handle new partners somewhere down the road.
Me: Yeah, I do. I'm letting you know I have plans. That's what I should do. And we should talk about these matters, to avoid any bitterness or fighting.
Her: But you don't tell me any details about the plans!
Me: When I have S you mean?
Her: No whenever.
Me: You left me, you don't want me in your life. Why would I feel obligated to tell you all the details? I let you know if it is important though.
Her: It's like you have another woman! Is that the case?
Me: Why do you ask that? But no, it's not the case. Things are a mess now, I'm chosing to focus on me and S now. What about you? Do you have a new partner?
Her: No I don't.

After I told her I wasn't involved with anyone, all the anger went away. She did a complete 180. Friendly talk, joking, smiling. Almost borderline small "joke-flirting" if that makes sense.

Did not see that coming. Seems like this may have been the root to her erratic behaviour lately.

I said good bye and we went our ways.

[chatterbug]

It is the classic bait and trap OR talk.


Me: Goodbye, see you.
Her: Oh, ok.

Here you could have kept walking...

Me: ? Was there something else?
Her: Is there nothing you want to talk about?

Here you could have said. No. Have a good day.

Me: I thought that's what we did back there?
Her: Yeah. Ok. Can you drive me to my car? It's 5 min away
Me: Sure.
Couple min passes.
Her: Are you satisfied with the meeting and such?

Here you could have said. Under the circumstances yes. Thank you.
then silence.

Her: You're acting weird! You say you have plans all the time! And you talk about how we should handle new partners somewhere down the road.
Me: Yeah, I do. I'm letting you know I have plans. That's what I should do. And we should talk about these matters, to avoid any bitterness or fighting.

Here you could have said. No I was not talking about how to handle new partners. Silence.

Her: But you don't tell me any details about the plans!
Me: When I have S you mean?
Her: No whenever.
Me: You left me, you don't want me in your life. Why would I feel obligated to tell you all the details? I let you know if it is important though.

Here you could have said.

You and I are working on communicating and co-parenting. I think we are taking some great steps here. Lets continue to keep up the good work.

Her: It's like you have another woman! Is that the case?
Me: Why do you ask that? But no, it's not the case. Things are a mess now, I'm chosing to focus on me and S now. What about you? Do you have a new partner?
Her: No I don't.

Here you could have said.

I'm chosing to focus on me and S now. Then silence.



See so many ways to step out of a OR talk.


So why did you feel you had to bait her into an OR talk?

[chatterbug]

You can also ready exactly where she took you on the downward spin.

Some times when baiting is dropped. Ignore the sentence and carry on with a completely different conversation.

[theUF]

Did you mean why did I let her bait me into one or that I baited her?

Why I didn't disengage?
Well. Not 100% sure.
Still feelings for her which again spurs curiosity?
Trying to keep things open and honest? Went overboard here though, huh?

I see your point though... keep it short simple and don't get carried away, and if so, disengage?

Seems I struggle to get these principals into action in different situations. I see what you're saying about how I acted today, but in the moment I didn't.

If I understand you right, you feel I need to detach more, keep things more formally, short simple and away from R talks?

[chatterbug]

yea. You just came out of that meeting and you baited her into an Our Relationship talk.

You gotta keep away from those conversations. It comes across as perusing and weak.

You should be concentrating on building respect from her eyes. This is done through consistent communication on Son. Any legal or financial info you answer right away. Or answer you will get the info , or that you will think about it and get back on this date.

You do not start up OR talks. Remember she left.

If you catch yourself starting one or in one. Say that you would like to think these thoughts over and change the topic.

You both need to build a comfortable and safe environment where you both can talk about Son, finances, and important life events knowing it is not going to turn into an OR talk.

[chatterbug]

Don't beat yourself up over this. Learn both your patterns so you can predict and alter the conversation.

OR talks should start when both are ready. And that takes consistent actions on her half to match her words. Over a span of a few months.

[theUF]

At first I thought "wait, how could I have been the one baiting when she was the one obviously wanting to talk while I was trying to leave"

But I see how my responses to her Q's turned the conv the wrong way(guess that's my baiting).

I need to get better at letting these things slide, and focusing on the things that are relevant now(S).
This is something I need to work more on. Thanks!