Update since last post -- Friday -- Got dresssed for the concert (looked good too). W decided to take the kids to see a movie instead of the other activity (wait for me). Before leaving, W said she wished I was going with them, that we were better. She hugged me, I made an impulsive ILY statement. Fortunately, she responded with the same ILY as well. Had a great time at the concert. Saturday -- W initiated R talk. Several ways that she realizes she has done wrong. How she has been hurt by OM (not real specific details --didn't want it). How she realizes how good I am and misses me and a lot of good stuff. We have a good day with the kids and what not. Later that night, we sit down to watch a movie. I see her texting. I get up and leave. She pursues, apologizes, asks me to come back. I do. Sunday -- W very pleasant and nice. I clean the carpets (still trying to potty train the puppy), she ends up going to her room. Not a nap, as she came down about an hour later sobbing confessing how depressed she is and bad thoughts that she has had. Stabilize her. We all go to a bookstore. We all have fun together. Except now D11 is evidently freaking out and not wanting us to work things out ??? And yes, W had said she wants to eventually try to work things out. We briefly discuss having wants / needs from each other for a better relationship. Later on that night before bedtime, she thanks me for a good day / w/e. I mentioned the "need" thing. I say I "need" her to help fix me (related to a song); and she closes her FB page where OM's family is there. I tell her, I want us to be FB friends again and that she eventually have to "clean up her page," get rid of OM and family. Like she did to me and my family. She reacts, shutdowns, blah blah. I think I poked the turtle and made her go back into her shell. We did each fortunately apologize via text before going to sleep. This morning, I get ready to leave for work (she and the kids are off), and she invites me into her bed and we snuggle /cuddle for a few minutes with lighthearted talk (more apologies, hope that things can work, but she doesn't want to get my hopes up to hurt me, that touching each other doesn't feel normal).
So that's where I have been / am at. Confusion stage of piecing??? Not sure, any more guidance in maneuvering / responding to W and now D11 would be appreciated.
Update since last post -- Friday -- Got dresssed for the concert (looked good too). W decided to take the kids to see a movie instead of the other activity (wait for me). Before leaving, W said she wished I was going with them, that we were better. She hugged me, I made an impulsive ILY statement. Fortunately, she responded with the same ILY as well. Had a great time at the concert. Saturday -- W initiated R talk. Several ways that she realizes she has done wrong. How she has been hurt by OM (not real specific details --didn't want it). How she realizes how good I am and misses me and a lot of good stuff. We have a good day with the kids and what not. Later that night, we sit down to watch a movie. I see her texting. I get up and leave. She pursues, apologizes, asks me to come back. I do. Sunday -- W very pleasant and nice. I clean the carpets (still trying to potty train the puppy), she ends up going to her room. Not a nap, as she came down about an hour later sobbing confessing how depressed she is and bad thoughts that she has had. Stabilize her. We all go to a bookstore. We all have fun together. Except now D11 is evidently freaking out and not wanting us to work things out ??? And yes, W had said she wants to eventually try to work things out. We briefly discuss having wants / needs from each other for a better relationship. Later on that night before bedtime, she thanks me for a good day / w/e. I mentioned the "need" thing. I say I "need" her to help fix me (related to a song); and she closes her FB page where OM's family is there. I tell her, I want us to be FB friends again and that she eventually have to "clean up her page," get rid of OM and family. Like she did to me and my family. She reacts, shutdowns, blah blah. I think I poked the turtle and made her go back into her shell. We did each fortunately apologize via text before going to sleep. This morning, I get ready to leave for work (she and the kids are off), and she invites me into her bed and we snuggle /cuddle for a few minutes with lighthearted talk (more apologies, hope that things can work, but she doesn't want to get my hopes up to hurt me, that touching each other doesn't feel normal).
So that's where I have been / am at. Confusion stage of piecing??? Not sure, any more guidance in maneuvering / responding to W and now D11 would be appreciated.
I don't think that you are quite at piecing afa. Be careful here. She could still withdraw, and could still go back to OM. I hope that it doesn't happen to you, but it did to me... more than once.
My advice is to continue doing what you are doing. I would still be doing more listening than talking. She is not quite there yet, but seems to be moving in the right direction.
Let her know what you need from her if and when the time comes that she is ready to commit to working on the M. Communicate that to her, but don't argue with her about it. She will have doubts, fears, and concerns about doing some of those things, such as cleaning up her FB page. You state your position on it and then just listen to her.
Listening doesn't equate to giving in on the issue.
Same thing with your D. You need to listen to her when she expresses her feelings. Personally, I don't think that she should be brought into the situation until and unless you and your W have made the decision to commit to working on the M. When and if that time comes, then you sit down with her and explain it to her.
Have you thought about a child psychologist? There may be stuff going on here that you don't know about. Something worth considering.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
To add a little more: D11 is fearful of being "left out" and / or W being depressed if we work things out.
I am a bit ambivalent about where I am at. I fought so hard to be here, yet am wondering do I want to set myself up to get hurt any further. No risk, no gain? Is this a natural part of things?
W evidently had a rough day, as she asked me earlier if she could go to Zumba tonight with a friend. "I really need it (Zumba)" This is not her typical exercise day.
Neither of us said anything to D11. She unfortunately is a huge eavesdropper; and if W and I have any time together (convo or chit chat) she has to be there.
I'll keep on doing the same; and add more listening.
I obviously have the fear of her going back to OM. Cross your fingers she does not simply for her own sake.
I agree with Denver here. Take your time and continue doing what you are doing. She seems to be coming around but she is obviously still fearful. Don't scare her away. It's got to be at her pace.
Good luck mate.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Well it sounds like a fantastic conversation and some great progress, but like Denver and Arsene said, your best play at this point is to stick to the DB'ing. You should certainly celebrate the progress, but do it internally Here's something great that Accuray posted that might help you understand how to react to these movements:
"Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier."
Thanks Arsene and AS. The post from ACC makes sense. During the convo's she has said she needs time to "let it go". This means OM, his family, etc. So more time for her.
Anger / reality crept in again last night at bedtime. Thoughts of the PA, not confirmed but most likely. Can I deal with that aspect? Do I want to continue to DB and "settle"? Is that a normal piece of this?
Anger / reality crept in again last night at bedtime. Thoughts of the PA, not confirmed but most likely. Can I deal with that aspect? Do I want to continue to DB and "settle"? Is that a normal piece of this?
Absolutely. We spend so much time focusing on DB'ing and getting the spouse back that we neglect to come to grips with our spouse's part in the M's failings. I think deep inside we all expect we're not going to reconcile or that the chances are very small, so we don't deal with our spouse's issues. So when they do return, then we suddenly find ourselves unexpectedly dealing with issues we had shoved to the back of our minds. Trust is probably the biggest elephant in the room, especially if there was an EA/ PA. How can we trust that our spouse won't go back to an A? How can we trust they won't kick us to the curb again? These are serious and difficult issues. This is why most people advise moving slowly into piecing, and shifting the burden of work at least partially to the WAS. They're responsible for rebuilding trust issues because they were the ones that betrayed the trust.
Originally Posted By: afa75
How does her statement of that touching each other doesn't feel normal fit? Par for the course or not?
Yeah, that's "normal". The WAS spends so much time convincing themselves that they don't want to touch the LBS or be touched by them that returning to that can feel really strange and awkward. It's like they programmed themselves to be repulsed by the LBS, so turning back on to the LBS can be a slow process.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
