So here's my story Part 3

[labug]

Sorry if you've covered this but what is your counselor telling you that makes you not want to go back?

[afa75]

Arsene, Wendy, and Tori -- Thanks for the reminder to step back. I'll be looking for that section in the book. I know I need to refocus and get a second wind for this marathon.

Labug -- @ my last appt, I went in somewhat emotional (go figure huh?); and main things I heard him say were to be proAndrew, kick her out, don't let her treat me like sh*t, quit being so responsible go on a $1000.00 trip for myself. For whatever reason, a lot of his focus on me treating myself better is what literally sent chills down my spine. I don't know.

Anyways, I have decided that I am at least going to go to the appointment tomorrow for several reasons. To share with IC, that I felt bad about our last appointment, and to model we face our fears to W. Part of the convo last night was a mention of how the last appt didn't go so well for me / her fear of doing therapy.

So I think I've made it this far in the DB process, and I think I'm going to continue down this difficult path. Please continue to share and guide me along this way. 8)

Tongling positive thoughts to all (it normally works for me, so i'm going to do what works) 8)

[Denver_2010]

Arsene, Wendy, and Tori -- Thanks for the reminder to step back. I'll be looking for that section in the book. I know I need to refocus and get a second wind for this marathon.

Labug -- @ my last appt, I went in somewhat emotional (go figure huh?); and main things I heard him say were to be proAndrew, kick her out, don't let her treat me like sh*t, quit being so responsible go on a $1000.00 trip for myself. For whatever reason, a lot of his focus on me treating myself better is what literally sent chills down my spine. I don't know.

Anyways, I have decided that I am at least going to go to the appointment tomorrow for several reasons. To share with IC, that I felt bad about our last appointment, and to model we face our fears to W. Part of the convo last night was a mention of how the last appt didn't go so well for me / her fear of doing therapy.

So I think I've made it this far in the DB process, and I think I'm going to continue down this difficult path. Please continue to share and guide me along this way. 8)

Tongling positive thoughts to all (it normally works for me, so i'm going to do what works) 8)

1. You need a new IC. Drop him.

2. Take some time for yourself. Tell your W that you need some space and some time to figure out what you want for your life. Do what you need to do to make that happen so that you can get your own fog cleared (one way or the other). Maybe you should take a trip by yourself. Even if it's out of town to visit family or friends.

3. Tell your W that you think that the FB thing is disrespectful to you. That it hurts your feelings. That she wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed. That your M definitely won't work if she is going to continue to have such inappropriate relationships. Do this calmly, politely, and with sincerity.

My 3 cents afa.

[tori2012]

I agree with Denver on the IC. They're all pretty much the same, though. I saw three of them and got fed up of hearing pretty much what your IC told you.

Any chance you guys can see a MC instead?

I think your W alredy knows the FB model thing was disrespectful. If you focus on this, she'll get the attention she craves, and the cycle will continue.

Sending you good energy, Andrew.

[Denver_2010]

I think your W alredy knows the FB model thing was disrespectful.

I somewhat agree with Tori here. But I do think that you need to make it clear that you won't be a part of a M that includes such behavior. As Tori (I believe) said in an earlier post, she's like a teenager who is rebelling (my W was definitely in this category at one point). Like any teenager, she needs to know what behavior is not acceptable.

[afa75]

Well I guess on the bright side of things, I did state that 3rd cent to W last night during our financial and then R convo.

Yay for me. Nearly verbatim Denver (and it was fairly calm).

I also agree that I need to clear my own fog again. Honestly, I think getting to where I am at, has created a new type of fog, one that is evidently natural for the DB process.

As far as MC...I wouldn't want that for her, me, or us right now. I know I have stuff to process. I'll give my IC one last chance (I'll have to pay regardless due to the CX notice policy -fee is pretty much as my copay). W has asked me for the phone number for her IC. Maybe she'll use it once I give it to her. Then somewhere down the line, we could do MC.

Sorry for jumping back and forth between your help Tori and Denver; and thanks as always.

[Denver_2010]

I also agree that I need to clear my own fog again. Honestly, I think getting to where I am at, has created a new type of fog, one that is evidently natural for the DB process.

I'm personally happy to hear that you addressed the FB thing. For me, that couldn't go unaddressed. Nicely done too.

Yes. You need to figure out what you want afa. Don't let anything pressure you to go one way or another. It has to come from your heart. No one here will, or should, judge you if you decide that you no longer want to save your M.

But like you said, I think that it is part of the process.

[afa75]

Thank you Denver. It means a lot to me to get a compliment from you.
This site is the safest place for me to truly be me and share whatever it is. I don't fear judgement here. Ashamed the rest of the world and the people couldn't be as nice.

Mini update of today's events, nothing major aside from me recommitting to stick with the here and now, and DB.
NC from W all day. Come home, I'm fine, not great but good. We all have a "whatever" dinner tonight. Minor chit chat. She asks about her zumba outfits. Tried on several tops. She wore the one I said she looked best in. Before she leaves, she mentions she and her mom don't talk anymore; and that her aunt and cousin comment / like my FB items, but not hers. "I guess they choose you". Simply responded with the validation of "this is hard on all of us". Her face said it all that I was right. She really respects the aunt, so that has to hurt her some. Anyways, wished her a genuine food time at zumba once she left.

A "me" item. Part of problem is NC with friends past few days, so on my way home I made it a point to call one of my friends and keep the convo away from my sich.

[afa75]

Journaling
W came back from zumba happy. Her BFF called, actually for me, to ask a favor. No biggie so I agree and am happy. W does some kind of a dance move, I step up and dance back with her for a brief moment. I'm not a dancer so this surprised her.
I went to my gym, the basement, had a killer workout. My PMA is back.
Read and post a little on here then go to bed. I'm woke up by W who had came downstairs, climbed into bed, and cuddled me. Wow! It lead to a brief her / R convo where the OM thing is done, he's such a loser compared to me, she wants to get back to "normal". That she wants space, no dating, and to go out 1 night most weekends, not 2 b/c she misses our family and doesn't want to share. She actually said she was searching for happiness, and realizes that she had it all along. I listen and validate most everything. Sadly, she went back to her bed. This kind of something is better than nothing.
This morning she called to share excitement about a gift from a coworker. I matched it. A signed David Sedaris book. I go to my IC appt. It was a good one. He praised me for hanging in against the odds and respects what ice been doing. We switch focus to other areas such GAL items and ways to improve career. I left feeling good, because I entered feeling good.

So the good news is I regained my PMA w/o W's positivr interactions.

[Arsene]

Hey mate! This sounds good to me. It's what we all want to hear from our Ws. Just keep it slow and let her move at her pace. Keep working on yourself in the meantime.

Cheers!