The green green grass of home

[subguy]

Thank you Ruby, UF and Tumbling.

I have been fearing Christmas and the holidays. Trying to keep hope that we will be working things out by then. That is most unlikely to happen.

I need to fully accept my sitch and the fact that this will be our first Christmas/holiday season as a family of divorce. I need to face the fact that i will be sharing my children on Christmas day and during the holiday season. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard but we will get through it.

Yes it's gonna hurt me as well, guess we will have to support each other during those times.

I have been fighting myself over weather to send him a email telling him i do want to get back together but how it i felt about it.
Had i just said yes i do, what would that have been telling him? That is okay to treat me like that? Well it's not okay.

Good for you, you are not a door mat. You are someone special with feelings and value.

[AnotherStander]

I have been fearing Christmas and the holidays. Trying to keep hope that we will be working things out by then. That is most unlikely to happen.

When my sitch started almost 5 months ago I was sure it would be resolved one way or the other by Christmas. It just seemed such a loooong way off. But now here we are knocking on the door and I'm sure my sitch will drag on well beyond Christmas now. All I can say is try not to be afraid, it may not be the happiest of seasons for any of us but we can choose to enjoy it regardless. I certainly plan to. Any time away from work and with my kids is reason enough to be happy

I need to face the fact that i will be sharing my children on Christmas day and during the holiday season. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard but we will get through it.

In DR Michele talks about an example of acting "as if"- she said she expected her H to be in a bad mood when she returned from a trip because he was ALWAYS in a bad mood when he picked her up. Then a fellow therapist asked her how she would act towards him if he wasn't in a bad mood. She said what she would do, and the therapist said "then do that and see how he responds". Michele did it and she said her H had never been in such a good mood after a trip. In other words, her own attitude changed the attitude of those around her. So if you go into the holidays telling yourself "this is going to be horrible, but somehow I will survive" then guess what, it's going to be horrible. BUT, how about if you went into it saying "my sitch is horrible, but I'm going to have the best holidays EVER in spite of it!" Then what do you end up with? A PMA. You GAL. You ENJOY yourself in SPITE of H. There's also a trickle down effect where people see your H and say "I saw SS over the holidays and she looked fantastic and sounded so upbeat and positive!" That makes your H wonder what's up with you. And he'll want to find out. This is what DB'ing is all about- change YOURSELF. That is what H will notice.

I have been feeling concerned because H asked if i wanted to get back together in a text message just after he told me he slept with OW's . I said i honestly don't know, I doubt you would want to if i had slept with OM.

Perfect response, leave it at that. You want to make him wonder if he could lose you. You want to be a bit mysterious.

I have been fighting myself over weather to send him a email telling him i do want to get back together but how it i felt about it.

I wouldn't. If he asks again you could up the ante by saying something like "I've thought about it and would consider reconciling, but there is a lot of hard work we'd have to invest first". He needs to know you don't have a revolving door policy with him.

Had i just said yes i do, what would that have been telling him? That is okay to treat me like that? Well it's not okay.

Exactly.

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Subguy and AS. I think I'm going to ask H for a spiritual divorce on Friday. You made me tear up Subguy. I don't remember the last time my H said anything even remotely like that to me. It's pretty sad really.
As thanks again, it's nice to hear if OP agree to what I said.
You are right. I think I lost my PMA when H told me about OW. I pursued a little by sending texts like "I hope you have a good night" he responded positively. Was calling/ texting every night then told me about maybe trying again and then OW. I stopped responding and now his gone cold. Lesson learned! I hope,...

One day when I was shopping and looking at Christmas stuff, I had this calming peaceful, happy and content feeling. It was so strange, like I just knew I was going to be okay. It didn't last long but I'm hoping it was someone giving me a glimps in to the futcure. That might sound strange but here's to hoping.


A spiritual divorce.
When H and I were marrying, the celebrant performed a handsfasting ceremony.
It's a spiritual binding of each others hands with ribbon, they loosely tie the ribbons over the crossed hands of you and your partner. The ribbon is then slid off the hands and placed into a little bag. The bag in to a decorated box, which is then kept.
That box meant a lot to me.
When H comes over on Friday to pick up the children, I think I am going to ask him to come into our bedroom. I'm going to ask him to cut (sever) the ties (ribbons ) with me.
In the state we are in, you can not apply for a legal divorce until you have been separated for at least one year.
A typical hand parting is actually a ceromony With invited friends and family. I don't want that. I want just us two there and I want to cut them together.

I know I will cry and it will be hard but I think I'm going to ask him to do that with me.

[labug]

You'll get through the holidays and it will be different and sad at times. No denying that.

Start planning now what you're going to do for the holidays. My suggestion would be to plan something that's different so it's not like you're replaying past holidays and H is conspicuously absent. Ask the lids what they might like to do.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks bug. Sorry for not posting on anyone's threads much lately. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for that right now.
H told me he will come and put up all the Christmas lights if i want him to. I think i am just going to do the window ones and any that i can do myself and leave the roof. It just doesn't feel right. It would be a constant reminder of every other year.

He also said he was thinking about either staying here Christmas night, Or staying at someone else's place who lived near here and coming over to watch the children open their presents.
He also said he would come and help me wrap their presents on Christmas morning. He also added that he wont be doing that every year though.

I think i'm going to say no. I think it will be too hard on me and probably make next year harder on the children. I'm not sure yet.

I read over the letter H wrote me just before he left. I think he really was that unhappy. He said he does remember the good times but mostly he felt like a little boy, in trouble all the time. I only stood up for what i felt was right. For how i felt i deserved to be treated.
I realise now that i handle things all wrong. I might have done most of it for the right reasons but i done them the wrong way. I also did some things wrong and for the wrong reasons.

He said he has always said he will do his best not to put his kids through what he went through when he was younger but that a lifetime of this unhappiness is worse.

He said we both deserved better and to be happy.
I just don't understand why he couldn't try to work things out by communicating with me instead of through anger.

It hurts like hell, Especially that he can just move on so easily. I'm going to have to truly let him go. I want him to be happy and maybe i just couldn't do that.

I need to move on and build a new life for me and my children.
I think that's why i have been so sad lately. Accepting that it's over feels like loosing him all over again. I'm struggling with the NC thing but i'm just going to have to learn.

He called not long ago and i was telling him all the crap i have to do still(In the way of forms and maintenance ) I said it's just frustrating because it's hard to move on with all this stuff to work out. He said it would be.

I have noticed that he asks what I've been up to and he validates me! Then hangs up before i can ask him anything. Thats good in a way. I shouldn't be asking him anything anyway.

It's time. Time for me to move on with my life.

I'm thinking

[littleGTO]

SS,

My heart goes out to you! I know you are struggling w what your heart and mind are telling you to do.

The holidays are going to be hard for ALL of us here (even AS, w the good attitude or not..). Anyway, don't let your H decide what your holiday will or will not look like. It sounds like you are in a good place to set some boundaries.

DOn't let memories of Christmas lights get in the way of what makes YOU and your children happy and able to get joy out of the season. I know my kids EXPECT Christmas lights and lots of decorations and despite the current sitch I am planning to put them up FOR THE KIDS (& I bet it will make me feel better too...& maybe you).

Whatever the holidays are this year doesn't mean they need to be the same next year anyway. Just do what feel right to you for now. I agree w labug--doing something new might be just what will get you through too.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Turtlegirl, I am going to put some up but just the ones i can do myself. Usually we have windows, grass, roof and fences done and usually add more every year. Im going to do the ones that i can do but I'm not doing the roof. It usually takes H all day to complete the roof. We will still decorate inside as well. I think i just don't want it the same way this year.

I just heard a song and H used to like it but i noticed he kept turning it off, every time it came on in the weeks before he left.

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With the fire in my bones, and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the light, so high don't wanna come down
To face the loss of the good thing, that I have found

In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if your ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground

See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry

Gonna run baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind at my back I won't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon in me was the best of friends from the start

So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry

And I told myself for the way you go, it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods in the dark of the night
Palest of the old moonlight
Everything just felt so incomplete

Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry


I don't know that it means anything but i thought it was interesting.

I changed MY bedroom around tonight. It feels so much better in here now.

We will be okay and we will have a great Christmas,.. A great, hard, fun and probably emotional Christmas.

"Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present".


It's just so strange because things had been improving over the last year, At least i had already started working on me. I had realised a few things and had been making more of an effort.
things were just starting to be better financially and he choose to leave.

We have been good co-parents but H has not helped out much at all financially. He is more interested in buying himself new clothes and what ever else. He did take the nearly paid off debt. I was left with a $600 Christmas layby and overdue house expenses. Whatever reasons he had for leaving, That is not fair. He keeps telling me he will pay for this or that but rarely does, something always "Comes up" but then he buys things for him and the children.

I don't think he will ever be the man i deserve,.. at least not for me,..

The strangest thing is that SOOO many people have said that i have never looked better. I try to appear okay but a lot of the times i am falling to pieces on the inside but yet i look better than ever? Go figure,...

[Tumbling]

Hello SS. Just dropping in.
Christmas is such a strange time of year isn't it?
And here we all are wondering what it's going to be like.
Freaking out because it might not be how we want it to be.
H and I have been apart for 2yrs.
We spent the first one together - he'd been gone a month when he asked what i was doing. It was a really nice, special, no pressure time. Just us two (we've only had 3 like that
Last yr's one was not so nice. I took my Self to my mom's because I needed to get away from the emotional roller coaster. I went for 2 weeks. I had happy times and sad times. Christmas morning was difficult as we had spent 9 xmas' there but once I got passed that I was ok. It was different but OK.

I promise you will get through it. Your kids will help, I'm sure.

I will keep you company on not initiating/pursuing.
It doesn't do me or the sitch any good.
I've said it before but I am back on the horse now.
Almost riding at full pelt in the opposite direction!

Enjoy the "looking better than ever" compliments from others, we need them

[MKB23]

SS- I wanted to apologize to you for being rude. I was very hurt and definitely not able to hear what you had to say at that time. In fact, I sat and fumed for hours, then I broke down. I am sorry that I also took my anger out on you.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Tumbling. MKB, I replied to you on your thread. I think you meant that for the other SS.
I'm really not doing good at all. The past few days have been so hard. I have not been contacting H. I'm just not doing good at all. Even just half an hour of being around people and doing my best to be okay, Just leaves me so exhausted and emotional. I curled up on my bed today and just sobbed and sobbed. This crying thing really [censored].
The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.
My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.
To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it. H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.

I just do not know how to pick myself up. Honestly my emotional energy has been low for a while, years even. I think always trying to please H and failing took its toll. It's at an all time low right now. I just do not enjoy anything ATM and I don't know what to do about it.
Im so so lost. I'm trying so hard but it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

I resent him for the fact that he left, just when things were easing off financially. Now I'm broke and struggling to pay the bills and children's activity expenses. He is able to go out and buy himself new clothes and go out drinking and whatever else. I resent the fact that he is not helping me financially. He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.

I'm stuck in the mud and I don't know how to climb out. Stupid mud.