Thanks Busting and Tori. I can say I've learned a few things the past few days since I've been here last. Good and Bad. So we've been friendly, actually friendly with more physical contact (hugging nothing more). We've had 2 R convo's the past few days. The first night, I was tempted to leave the house. Last night, I packed my bags, went to give the kids a one last kiss (they were in bed), and about to leave. Each of the nights, W said she understood if left, but asked me to stay. She definitely pursued me as I withdrew. I've let my boundaries down, I've been impatient, I've allowed my ego to get in the way, I've pushed too much. I feel really sad at this moment, even though W and I have been able to patch up the little disagreements we've had. We have a "friend date" tonight to go over Christmas list stuff for the kids and watch one of our fav shows. I blew it last night. I did reach out via email earlier, and W responded, "I'd love too, I'm glad you asked." W even has an eye out for a possible job for me. I'm living in a world of ocnfusion and mixed emotions.
Oh have to add this too, during the first convo we had, I teared up. I teared up thinking of all you wonderful people.
Tips / advice for me to get better for me (in addition to the keep doing the same)? 8)
So, you had a couple of bad nights. What happened? You are not ready to start the R talks yet. Can you vent here if you feel the need to start a R talk or call a friend? Is she the initiator?
Given where you are, it's ok to ask her to do stuff with you, but it's important to not react negatively if she says no. Just go ahead and do something else. You're building a friendship, a connection. This is no LRT anymore.
We're here for you. For now, have fun on your date night and keep things light and relaxed. Let us know how it went.
My thread disappeared. I couldn't see in the forum. No biggie as it is back.
She initiated 1 and I did the other. Part of the the problem was related to getting upset over her "friendship" with OM. My admitted overzealousness / impatience. Also part frustration as W has said how bad he hurt / used her, yet her saying they're not on bad terms. Whatever right? The good news is she did pursue me. She asked me to hang out. We made amends despite the arguments I / we were able to ultimately ha good talks with emotional content. That wasn't always there pre bomb drop. The so called "date" if you will, went well. In the sense we simply hung out, minor chat, and she fell asleep on the couch - woke up stile food off my plate - fell back asleep, more nice chit chat, then went upstairs. Multiple friend ly genuine smiles. I need to continue to focus on myself as well as rekindle the friendship. We each agree on that type of R as a minimum. So we will see...and yes. I'll jump to here to vent rather than with W or friends. Ending this night on a positive note Goodnight all
Good work Afa. I think that what you re doing hasd got an effect on your W. Re: the contact with OM, didn't you say that she was "cleaning up" her FB? It might just be the start of something. Be patient and let her come your way.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Yes, she did say that. Yes I need more patience. Her coming close to me (eg climbed into bed with me this morning and spooned) makes it harder. I'm working at though. Did you ever happen to find the pages in DR you mentioned a few a days ago? I've looked but cannot find it. The pages about reconsidering once you've made a certain amount of progress.
Interesting that she wants a friendship with the OM. My H said a few times that he would want to reach a point in which things were not awkward, but he admitted a friendship would be impossible.l Maybe she's seeking attention. Will write more when I'm at my computer.
Yes, she has said she wanted to keep him as a friend, "he's the one that got away / have always had a connection," but realizes that she cannot have both if we get back together. "A matter of time" or something like that. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Andrew, can you really accept her friendship with this man? Really think about this, and draw the line if you have to...but not quite yet. You've got to give her a little longer to get past her feelings. It took my H about five months after they had ended their R. When there is an EA, it's a lot tougher to let go. It's a slow process...and not a fun one to go through, but if you care about your M and your W, you can do it.
My H pretended he had ended all contact with the OW, but he continued contacting her. At least your W is being honest. And I do think she's seeking attention from you, trying to get a reaction. Don't fall into it.
The book says that as long as your S is not pulling away, and you still have the strength to continue, you should keep DBing. As you make more progress, you have to reassess your goals (remember the short vs. long-term goals?) I would start thinking about my goals now and be prepared for when the time comes.
