The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Ruby, CV, Arsene and UF. Your support really means a lot.
Ruby and Cv i am trying my hardest to detach. It's not easy. Arsene, I am also trying to GAL, That is slightly easier but i'm finding i really have to force the motivation at times. I don't want the hurt. I want to trust in faith that if it's meant to be, it will be.
UF, exactly. We are each on our own path, I chose to entwine my path with H's and He chose the same. If H's favourite food was steak and then one day he decided he didn't like steak any more, his favourite food was lamb. Would that hurt my feelings? Not at all.
SO why then does it hurt, that his choice of being with me has changed? because (In no particular order)
1: It's not what I want.
2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.
3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.
4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)
5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.
6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.
7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.
8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)
9: I feel he made the wrong decision.
10: I thought we were soul mates.
11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.
12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.

I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really. Yes I feel we could have worked things out and we could have saved our marriage and both been happy but again that's how I feel.

If you had two options to choose from and you knew the outcome of both but could not change anything, what would you choose?

1: You and your S would stay together and live a relatively happy life together. You would live in bliss but you S would just be happy. Happy enough but not in bliss.

2: your S could go live in bliss with another S but you would live your life happy but not blissfully,..

What would you choose?


Update.
I woke up feeling sad today. I had this almost overwhelming feeling that something just was not right.
There was a Birthday BBQ for a family members daughter and i nearly didn't go. I was going to ask my Mum to take my kids and i would stay home but i changed my mind.

When we arrived my aunt told me i looked good. I have been hearing that a lot lately but have put it down to loosing a tiny bit of weight, Sometimes having a tiny bit of make-up on or a new shirt.
Well my Aunt said "You look good SS, Single life suits you." I just looked at her like, what? She said "you look so relaxed"
That really got to me because I didn't feel relaxed. I felt slightly anxious, trying to fight off the mornings sadness.
I am less anxious and relaxed in that I now don't have to worry about H, When he will finish work, if he will call and want something and get angry if I'm not available to provide it.


I still think about H a lot, probably more so. He is constantly in the back of my mind. I have always had so many thoughts running through my head, pretty much all day everyday. I'm trying to 180 that. I'm trying to push all thoughts of H out of my mind, when i find myself thinking about him and our stich.
I'll leave those thoughts for designated time as much as possible.
I'm also trying to 180 my thought process in terms of actually living in the moment and trying not have 100 other thoughts running through my head.
Also in the terms or emotions. why I feel what I feel.

I checked my phone at the party and had a missed call from H. I was going to call him back but decided not to. Then a song started playing. "I cross my heart and i hope to die, That i'll only stay with you one more night" H told me to listen to the words of that song, Not long before he moved out.
Well i thought H has called me when he has been out at party's etc. It hurt and i guess i was feeling a bit selfish and spiteful. I didn't think it through, I called him back, stood near where he would hear the song and people and called him back. He asked where i was and i said at a party. He said "oh okay" and told me why he called. He asked if i was at a kids Birthday party and i said well,.. kind of. He asked what i meant and i told him that yes it was a kids party but a lot of people with young kids were there such as Mutual friends (Told him a few names) He went a little quiet and then said he will let me go.

I feel bad. That was just selfish and spiteful and i don't want to be that kids of person. I wanted him to know that i am still living my life. With or without him.

He called to speak to the kids tonight but was distant and kinda cold. Not angry just cold.

At the party one of my ex were there. We went out together about 14 years ago. I was only 15 at the time. Well he cheated on me and thought he could date someone else and then come back to me. Well he tried but I wasn't having it. I didn't want to be treated like that.
Well i don't like him lol, His sister was married to a family member, so he is occasional at family get gatherings. I always avoid him and he always try's to talk to me.
Well today he goes
ex "I know you don't really like talking to me but that little boy over there, is that J's kid?"
Me: yes
Ex "That's the little boy i remember?
ME "No he is 18 now"
Ex "No way, are you sure?"
Me: yes, i kinda know how old my nephew is!!!

OMG, People are just insane these days. Seriously. The child he was talking about is 5, the one he remembers was 5 when we were together like 14 years ago.

That got me thinking about a friend saying a while ago that she thinks girls who don't have good father figures in their lives when they are growing up as prone to picking all the wrong men.

I don't think i have ever been with someone who didn't have major issues. I thought H had got past them when we started dating but he changed once we were married.

I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more. I don't feel like telling them we hadn't been fighting and it came from no where.

Right now I'd really like some H be gone! Gone from my thoughts constantly.

I love him and I'd love to work out our M but it's up to him now. He needs to get his S**t together. If he does not choose to change, work on him and work on us, then there's nothing else i can do.

The BBQ today was almost the same as if H was not there. Usually we would meet up here and there and talk together and with other people. He could come and give me random cuddles here and there.

I find when people ask how i am (When i can see by the look on their faces and know they are actually asking "How are you coping with H gone?") I always answer "Yeah, I'm alright" no matter how i am feeling.

The question it self kinda stings for some reason. I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.

I can not wait until the point where i can say i am great and actually mean it.

[Arsene]

Hey SS,

Give yourself some time. You've got a lot to process and you 're allowed to grieve. Reading your post reminds me of where I was a few months ago. It's not that long although it seems like much longer ago. I still feel that way sometimes but it usually passes much more quickly. You are doing the right thing with GAL and 180s but you just have to be patient and let yourself deal with those feelings. We all fall to pieces now and again, some of us more often than we care to admit, even here, I'm sure. It's part of it. Pick yourself up and get back in the race. Take care of yourself.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Arsene. I know your right but I just hate feeling like this.
I woke up this morning and just feel like I need to call/ text him. I feel like I need to tell him I love him but the only reason I backed off is because I dont deserve to be treated like that.
I was at a point where mornings were okay. Now they just hard again. I miss him so much today. I miss who he used to be.

[Soul.Searching]

You know, I think I can kind of understand in a way, how they can be so messed up. I've usually got a pretty "clear" head but these days what I'm thinking/ feeling can change in an instant. I'm all over the place, I'm sure if I re-read all my posts here, I would find many contradictions I have made. Probably even in a single post.
For the one who made the decision, knowing that the concerquences are on their head, well I can't imagine and quite frankly, dont want to. Especially when there are children involved. My H has told me that it constantly plays on him about weather he made the right decision or not.
Well I don't know if it does but that would have to mess up, a messed up person even more.
I told H in a text about a week ago that I know he is confused too but I found my strength and I regained respect for myself and that I like me. He didn't reply but texted "hi" the next morning. I guess how could he respect himself right now? I know I couldn't if I had done the things he has.

[JuneReN]

1: It's not what I want.

Nobody here wants it, it's why we are here...what do you need?

2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.

And it $ucks, but the really cool thing about choices is that they are just that...choices.

3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.

In what way ? Refer to # 1 and 2

4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)

You are not alone. But know that you do NOT need to be externally validated by someone else.

5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.

In the eventuality that doesn't happen they need two parents, even if they don't live together.

6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.

A lot of us have defined ourselves by our kids; explore why you don't like it when kids are not with you....

7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.

Me too, but I think it is the LBS who tends to idealize and the WAS who vilifies

8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)

It will hurt. No one wants to think they are not enough. But you are, trust me.

9: I feel he made the wrong decision.

That's fine. But ultimately you cannot decide for someone else, you can only decide for you

10: I thought we were soul mates.

Define soul mate.....

11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.

Me too. That is the worst thought I have. But people have to ensure their own happiness as well. If I or you make someone unhappy, they have to say so.

12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.

What signs? Hindsight is always 20/20 if you've ever noticed, signs are on both sides of the highway, going in both directions, to be seen by all drivers.

I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really.

Again, see number 7 and 12. And the pattern won't be the same. Once you start to change, the way you interact Is different as well. Once one part of the equation changes it is never the same.

I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more.

When people say they are sorry, I like to say " so am I" and change the subject....

. I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.

Personally, I like to say I'm trying my best and some days are better than others. Pride got me to the place I am in right now...I am done with that.

[Soul.Searching]

I can see my thinking patterns changing. When I first seen your post (Please don't take offence.) I thought that you missed my point. My point was that it's all selfish reasons really. Then I thought maybe I missed the point. Maybe your questions can really help me.

1: It's not what I want.

Nobody here wants it, it's why we are here...what do you need?

Need is such a strong word. I'm also not sure what context you meant it in. My first thought was what do I need in a man. To answer that. I feel I need a man who is reliable and honest. Trustworthy and caring. Someone who can respect me and my children and treat us the way we deserve to be treated. Out of this I can say H can be caring at times,... As for me, I need to keep working on me. I need to be the best mother and person I can be. I need to re create my path in life. I need to be the best role model possible for my children.

2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.

And it $ucks, but the really cool thing about choices is that they are just that...choices.

yes they are but H choosing his path has removed some of my choices.

3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.

In what way ? Refer to # 1 and 2. I'm not quite shour what you mean.

4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)

You are not alone. But know that you do NOT need to be externally validated by someone else.

I know I don't and but it can be hard not to take it personally sometimes.
5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.

In the eventuality that doesn't happen they need two parents, even if they don't live together. yes, I know. I am very thankful that H is still in their lives. That he still wants to be in their lives.

6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.

A lot of us have defined ourselves by our kids; explore why you don't like it when kids are not with you.... It's not like I need them with me 24/7. They are both in school and do have occasional sleep overs at cousins houses. I don't mind that but when they are with H the quietness isn't so peaceful, it's more of a defining reminder of the realities of my sitch. I worry about them, I just don't feel I know H right now, so it kind of feels like letting a stranger take them. I know they need H and H needs them but it's still scary and hurts.

7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.

Me too, but I think it is the LBS who tends to idealize and the WAS who vilifies

yes, definitely. I meant my vows and had To remind myself many times of the reasons I love H.
8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)

It will hurt. No one wants to think they are not enough. But you are, trust me.

I know it's got a lot more to do with h but it still stings.
9: I feel he made the wrong decision.

That's fine. But ultimately you cannot decide for someone else, you can only decide for you

yes, I know. I surrender! It's his choice now.
10: I thought we were soul mates.

Define soul mate.... Meant To be, Part of each others divine plans. Kindred sprits. Destined to be together.

11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.

Me too. That is the worst thought I have. But people have to ensure their own happiness as well. If I or you make someone unhappy, they have to say so.

Yeah, I know but it's still hard.
12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.

What signs? Hindsight is always 20/20 if you've ever noticed, signs are on both sides of the highway, going in both directions, to be seen by all drivers.

. H saying 18 months/ 2 years back that he didn't want to be together (I thought we worked through it.) The causeing fights, the exercising, the style changes, the new aftershaves, the increasing anger, the wanting to buy a motorbike yesterday. I did see them but didn't want to believe it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told myself that it didn't always mean A
I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really.

Again, see number 7 and 12. And the pattern won't be the same. Once you start to change, the way you interact Is different as well. Once one part of the equation changes it is never the same.

I know the reasons for him leaving was not because I was selfish, far from it but my reasons for wanting him back are.

I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more.

When people say they are sorry, I like to say " so am I" and change the subject....
I could say that..

. I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.

Personally, I like to say I'm trying my best and some days are better than others. Pride got me to the place I am in right now...I am done with that.

yeah. I don't think pride got me here. I think it's probably more so that I don't want to break down. I don't want to feel like this night after night, morning after morning.

[JuneReN]

Yeah, it would be nice to have all the answers...lol!
In terms of need, look at what you need vs. what you want. You want H to come back and for you all to be family again, but you need reliable and honest, trustworthy and caring. What I am saying is that what you need is so much more important that what you want. Maslow never made a hierarchy of wants....:p
Don't let your wants quiet what you need.

You are being a strong, wonderful role model for your kids and darn right it hurts, it hurts everyday. But your posts show a lot of strength and a lot of insight that forces me to look deeper as well.

Thank you ((())))

[theUF]

If you had two options to choose from and you knew the outcome of both but could not change anything, what would you choose?

1: You and your S would stay together and live a relatively happy life together. You would live in bliss but you S would just be happy. Happy enough but not in bliss.

2: your S could go live in bliss with another S but you would live your life happy but not blissfully,..

What would you choose?

I see your point, but I can't really give a straight answer on this one

Because. And this may seem cynical.

Blissfully is not a word I would use in terms of life.
I think extremely few people go through life truly blissfully, but many feel they should. Many aspire to.

An example.
Many of my female friends/acquaintances talk about how bad they want a family(H,children,house etc)and how perfect things would be.
Many of them got a man, had children, maybe a house.
Then, shortly after everything went down the drain.

Why?
Do they set the bar so high and disappoint themselves?
Are they expecting some miracal cure for all problems, and don't realize how much effort it takes to make things work?

No ones life is perfect, and if you only focus on how perfect life -should- be, then you miss out on the already good life you have.

Sorry, a lot of rambling here.



You are obviously thinking, reflecting, growing. Sweet!
Even though it hurts you stay strong and you try to evolve instead of just shutting your eyes, ears, brain and giving in to the pain.

I can relate to your feelings, it's hard sometimes not to act on them. H*ck, most of the time it is.

[Tumbling]

Don't let your wants quiet what you need.

Love that ^^^^ RT (stealing it )

To me THAT is about authenticity and integrity. Using this time to reclaim your Self and identify what you want in a relationship. So that next time, whether w H or an Other, you put those stakes in those values and claim them for you.

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Ruby, UF and Tumbling.
I realised today that i am not okay but it is okay to not be okay right now.
I am okay but have times, usually mornings and nights where i am not so okay. I didn't want to feel the pain and still don't but it's something i have no choice in. I need to feel the pain in order to heal. Trying to force myself to heal quicker will not work and probably even prolong it.

I have been fearing Christmas and the holidays. Trying to keep hope that we will be working things out by then. That is most unlikely to happen.

I need to fully accept my sitch and the fact that this will be our first Christmas/holiday season as a family of divorce. I need to face the fact that i will be sharing my children on Christmas day and during the holiday season. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard but we will get through it.

I have been feeling concerned because H asked if i wanted to get back together in a text message just after he told me he slept with OW's . I said i honestly don't know, I doubt you would want to if i had slept with OM. After that he said he didn't know if he wanted to get back together,..

I have been fighting myself over weather to send him a email telling him i do want to get back together but how it i felt about it.
Had i just said yes i do, what would that have been telling him? That is okay to treat me like that? Well it's not okay.

I wanted to tell him that he told me he still thinks about me all the time, even when he is with OW, so he is either not being honest or he does love me,..


It's not up to me to try to make him see anything. I fear he is still with OW but it's not up to me to try to control the sitch.

I'm finding it hard right now.