Piecing - Round 1

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for checking in guys. Like I said, this topic got blown way out of proportion. Everyone is never going to agree with everything 100% in any of our individual lives. I respect your opinions and always have. It's all good. Things between my W and I really are better than they have ever been right now. I am focused on that, and keeping it that way.

FYI Mach... I hear ya! I have my phone set to ding me once a month to remind me to do something out of the ordinary to show or communicate to my W that I love her. This month it was just a card letting her know that I love her and that I appreciate her. This practice has worked WONDERS.

[keep_going]

Denver,

I have spent my morning reading your thread here, all 27 pages. It's great that you are at this stage of your journey, with this great opportunity and see how much appreciation you have for your life and your situation. You are definitely a source of inspiration for everyone who has followed your sitch and seen your hard work.

You are actually the only one in the boards who I have found to have a similar sitch re. OP as me - my H started an EA with OW, then left and then started a R with her. He still insists it's not wrong, since he had left and "he had told me that our marriage was dead." He was emotionally divorced from me way before he left. What you have clearly described in this thread are all things he has said to me with exactly the same words and I have gone through similar struggles and challenges as you have re. our spouse's perspectives.

I also identify completely with the problems and sitch in your marriage pre-bomb. I was NOT a good wife in many areas, including my anger and my H reacted very much the same way as your wife. When you posted about the entry in her diary, it was like I was hearing my H and I actually cried while I was reading it.

The difference is that my H is still with OW, has no interest in coming back and has filed for D. Yet, it has helped me to read your posts to know that my own feelings and thoughts are not just random, crazy happenings in my brain.

I hope to someday be in your situation, yet I admit I am probably the worst DBer in the forums and proof of it is my timeline and current status of my sitch.

I do have a question for you (and other men here). I have read A LOT of threads and success stories. It seems to me - and I could be wrong, that men are most likely to succeed at reconciliation. I feel that many women (myself included) have a much tougher time controlling our emotions and fail to really follow DBing in a systematic, methodical way like you, J3B, Starsky, Bond, Mach and other men have been able to. Even some men who are deep in the trenches, like AnotherStander, seem to get and apply DBing principles in a much more effective way than many women. I am talking about cases where there is infidelity involved.

I have read of successful women here, but not really of many who were the LBH and where there was an OP involved. (I read Holly06's story which is amazing, yet I find that her sitch was very different from mine.)

What do you think? Have you found some of these differences in gender as well? Are there other women you know who have been successful when there was OP involved? What do you think makes you all men be so good at DBing?

I just thought to ask, since this seems to be the gathering place for a lot male vets who have reconciled...

Thanks again, Denver - I will continue following you and learning from your experience.

[keep_going]

typo at the 4th paragraph from bottom up - I meant LBW, not LBH.

I wish there was an edit button...

[Starsky309]

I do have a question for you (and other men here). I have read A LOT of threads and success stories. It seems to me - and I could be wrong, that men are most likely to succeed at reconciliation. I feel that many women (myself included) have a much tougher time controlling our emotions and fail to really follow DBing in a systematic, methodical way like you, J3B, Starsky, Bond, Mach and other men have been able to. Even some men who are deep in the trenches, like AnotherStander, seem to get and apply DBing principles in a much more effective way than many women. I am talking about cases where there is infidelity involved.

I have read of successful women here, but not really of many who were the LBH and where there was an OP involved. (I read Holly06's story which is amazing, yet I find that her sitch was very different from mine.)

KG,

Check out some of Pearharbr's old threads. Although she wasn't married at the time (she HAS since married him, and is very happy), she was a GREAT DB'er and outstanding at lovingly laying out boundaries, in my opinion:

Threads started by Pearlharbr


She's still around, but doesn't post as much anymore.


Starsky

[MrBond]

KG,

I believe statistically women are more successful at reconciling than men. I don't recall the exact sources, but I found the research while going through my own research. I think it has to do with women being more emotionally attached to the OP while for men it's often a physical attraction more than emotional so it's easier to compartmentalize.

That being said, there are a number of women who have DB'd successfully. But your sitch is your sitch. Do what works for YOU.

[Denver_2010]

Hey KG. I'm sorry that it took me so long to respond. Was kind of caught up in the election day stuff. First, thank you for your kind words.

I agree with Bond that women are probably more likely to be successful at reconciling than men. I have no stats to back that up, but agree with Bond's reasoning... women more emotionally attached to their OP than men are... usually.

I also agree with him when he says that your sitch is your sitch. The gender statistics don't matter. You have to deal with your circumstances.

I see that your H has filed for a D. What is the status of that? How long before final?

What are your interactions with him like presently?

I will try to go read some on your thread, but it may take me a while because I need to catch up with some work. I am also happy to discuss it here on mine if you want to give us a quick synopsis.

[keep_going]

Starsky - thanks for pointing me to pearlhrbr's thread. I will read it tonight.

Bond & Denver - thanks for your opinions. I agree - stats are just that and they don't really matter.

Denver - I would love for you to read my threads, but I write novels and don't want to put you through two years of drama. So I will take you up on your offer and give you as brief a summary as possible here and if you then want to reply, you can do so in my thread in Newcomers.

Pre-bomb, my M had become pretty bad - it was a SSM and we were living parallel paths in a very stressed-out existance. We are both over-achievers and got completely absorbed in the rat-race and took on too many financial responsibilities. I got pregnant 5 times in 4 years resulting in 2 miscarriages and 3 wonderful kids. Neither of our needs were being met - I accumulated a lot of resentment and anger and turned it towards my H and he, as a child of an abusive and alcoholic father was just too adept at avoiding conflict and keeping things in until he exploded and walked away.

He left when I was 6 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child, one week after we closed escrow and moved in to our new home and two days before Xmas in 2010. Two months before leaving he started an EA with a client, and three weeks after he left he joined a dating service. Less than a month into our separation he said he wanted a D ASAP claiming I had been abusive to him for all our marriage and he needed to leave for the sake of our kids. I asked him for some time and to go to counseling. He declined. Only twice since he left has he made comments about having doubts of his decision, only to immediately recant them. So practically speaking, he has not deviated from his position of wanting a D once.

When he left I immediately started counseling and working on myself. Even after I found out about his dating and EA / PA, I acted lovingly and kept an open door policy for him in our house. After some time, his cake-eating became too much and I started establishing boundaries. Since then, our R has been a roller coaster ride from hell. I admit that my angry, reactive nature is still an issue. In addition he intentionally triggers me to get a reaction and justify his behavior and relieve his guilt.

His R with OW is stronger than ever, even though she lives 300 miles away. She has two daughters and has also filed for D. H has told me she is second only to our kids, but a very close second and that she is not going anywhere. The main reason we have fought since he left, has been OW. He has exposed our young kids to his R, which infuriates me as well as my general jealousy of her.

He finally filed for D this September. Per his request, and very hesitantly, I agreed to a collaborative D process which we have not even started. I frankly don't see how it will work, but would love the financial savings. Our financial and custody differences are simply too great.

Finally, our financial situation is a fiasco and has added a lot of stress. We are on the verge of bankruptcy, have had to short-sale one condo, sold the house we bought before he left and are now left with a huge tax debt to the IRS for next year. He has made some questionable decisions that have put us further into debt, but that I have let him do so because I didn't want to rock the boat. In addition, when our S was born and seeing that he was not coming back, I decided to leave my 6-figure income job to stay at home with our three very young kids. I decided that no money was worth leaving them to be raised by a nanny after their father had left them. This is a sore topic between us and has affected our situation greatly. To top it all, he just got laid off on 9/11 and has now taken his severance $ and put it away in a separate account per the advice of his L.

So not really an easy situation, but I have to admit that I have not been able to detach (we see each other almost on a daily basis because of our temp custody arrangement) and I have not been a good DBer at all. I understand what my problems are and what I need to do, yet have not been able to control my emotions and drop the rope. I thought a couple of times I was becoming detached and felt strong. We would then become friendlier - he says he wants to be friends and good co-parents. I once again would get my hopes up with unrealistic expectations just to come crashing down and getting upset all over again.

I think this is as short as I can get it... Thanks again for your interest and if you have any advice for me - I'll be very grateful for it.

Thanks again for being a source of inspiration for me and so many others and keep up the good work!

[Denver_2010]

Responded on your thread KG.

[Denver_2010]

Nothing really to update. W and I are getting along well for the most part. We do argue here and there, but we both seem to have figured out how to get out of those arguments relatively quickly so that they don't spiral downward like before.

Went to a live concert last night... up and coming band Alpha Rev. The drummer is my BIL's cousin. The drummer struck up a conversation with my W at one point. I was feel pretty sick still (getting over the flu) so probably wasn't really fun. I have to admit that I had some jealousy hit me when W was talking to this guy. I got a little irritated and W asked about it later. She asked if I thought that the guy was hitting on her. I told her that he probably was, but that he wasn't doing anything blatantly inappropriate. She was a little irritated with me and told me that I have to understand that music is her business and that she needs to try to make connections. That I have to trust HER... that it doesn't matter if I trust the person who she is talking to.

I know that she is right and that this was a ridiculous bout of insecurity that I was hit with last night. But I also attribute some of it to the PTSD that I believe that I acquired from everything that has happened.

In any case, I just told her that I would never say or do anything unless some guy just flat out disrespected me right in front of me. And that I didn't think that this guy had done that at all.

No argument. Just discussion. I think that we are still feeling our way when it comes to this issue.

No further contact from OM and no further discussion about the situation with W's entertainment company. I hope that we have heard the last of it.

Onward we go...

[Starsky309]

Good stuff, Denver. I hope you get to feeling better!


Starsky