So here's my story Part 3

[bustingout]

Happy Thanksgivng Andrew :-) I hope you have a fun evening and I am happy to read about your progress :-)

[Tumbling]

Seriously Afa! Hats Off. You are so doing DB!!!
Happy Thanksgiving

[afa75]

Thank you everyone for the positive thoughts.
Since the last post, things have been going fairly well.
We watched the movie, not so good of a movie. Had a few glasses of wine, but that's it. Ultimately, W did start an R convo and we discussed being intimate, and our misused time (eg watching movie instead of talking). Ironic huh? 8) Anyways, we ended up starting the convo at about 1am and then finished around 2am.
Thanksgiving was a little awkward for each of us, being around our families together and what not. Guess that's too be expected huh?
Yesterday, a wave came out of nowhere and I had some dark thoughts. W comforted, consoled, and did everything she could to help me. I'm still rebounding, but I've promised myself, and to her that I'll be better by end of the day. We all know that I have done it before. Why not again?

W has on various occassions stated that she is committed to working on the R (even said she'd rather go see an IC for that than her past abuse issues).
Safe to say it's time to begin officially "piecing"?

Also side note, when I get time to catch up on other sichs I will, I promise. I have been thinking of you all, and sending positive thoughts.

[tori2012]

Andrew, this definitely qualifies as piecing. AWESOME!
Next step is to continue working on creating goals and slowly communicating them to her. Listen as much as you can. Share as much as you can without making her feel bad about herself. Remember you want her to feel good when she's around you. It's time to re-read the book and put all the stuff into practice (except for LTR!)
Happy for you!

[afa75]

Quasi bad update and need guidance... please read and offer thoughts as I / We are not truly ready for piecing, evidently...

So last night W starts a R convo. Informs me that she has been still been texting OM, as a friend so to speak, yet have been arguing or whatever. She again, claims this is the last time, however, she did send him a FB friend request as she wants to keep him in that regard. My response is NC! I let her know, calmly and genuinely, that I appreciate her honesty, yet when I say NC, I mean NC in forms (texting, FB, email, what not). During the convo, W also talks about how we "jumped into things too quick." I agree. That other than cuddling, she's not ready for more, that she wants more time. So again, I ask, what will you do with the time, this time, if anything. Add on that she sees potential for us, cannot "fathom" the idea of not being with me, is hopeful that Christmas magic will help renew her desire for me to have an R with sex. If not, she's planning on filing at the beginning of the new year. WTF???

In re: to the NC with OM, she says I'm being controlling, I say no, it's a boundary for me. She responds with, the previous boundary of not dating anyone set way back when, that she clearly broke. I let her know that I was weak then, but am stronger now, and not willing to budge as that contributed to where we are.

So to try to make this long story short and spare some details, at the end of the convo, when it's time for bed, she checks FB, and OM accepted her request. She says she was went to withdraw the request, but obviously it's too late; and unfriending him again would be too difficult. She asks if she can sleep in our bed. I begrudgingly agree, but say no cuddling. She tries to cuddle. I'm withdrawn. I move her arm off of me. I pull away. She gets mad and then goes to her room to sleep. About 15 minutes later she comes back and asks if she can sleep there as she just defriended OM. I agree. We do snuggle, but it's different. This morning, each of us withdrawn, but polite.

So now what do I do? Go dim again or what? I am so confused, I feel like I'm back at square one when the bomb dropped (sorta). I am proud of myself for setting and enforcing the boundary.

Thoughts?

[labug]

Stick to you boundary.

I don't think any of her confusion is intentional to keep you hopping, I think she's really confused.

Don't be withdrawn, be happy. I know, difficult but she's getting some emotional strokes from OM, don't make him look a lot better than you.

Don't let her confuse you, choose your path and carry on. If you can only be in your marriage if she doesn't contact other man, then tell her that and stand by it.

Oh, and put no stock in Christmas magic. Disable the Lifetime channel from your TV.

[afa75]

Thank you Labug! During the convo I sensed the whole "fog" / confusion. Not being a psychic, but I think we can all agree there's a correlation between ongoing contact with OM. She disagrees, but that's probably the fog talking. She honestly flip flopped during the convo so many times it was sort of sad. Fortunately, I've been through hell, and was able to handle all of this convo in a non angry way. Frustrated at times, yes, but not anger (previous complaint).

In regards to disbling Lifteime, I have to laugh. W made a reference to the "magic" just like in a Lifetimie movie. LOL.

So i'll try to keep PMA, but I have to admit, she's exhausting.

[labug]

The thing is, she probably would like to keep him as a friend because there's something she gets from that R. And that's useful for you to know, if/when you start piecing.

What is she getting from him, that she wasn't getting from you?

[afa75]

Currently, they are / have been arguing. So I'm not sure. I think he is pleading for another chance kind of a thing.
Their whole R was based on her feeling alive again. Having a zest for a life. Then again, her weekends with OM involved her not having to tend to any of our adult responsibilities / real world stuff. Hell, if I could live free like a teenager, I would, yet I'm too responsible. Other things I know she received were WOA that seemingly meant more than mine. I honestly was offering compliments prior to bomb drop, yet they meant little to nothing. I was pursuing / wanting to spend QT with her. She denied. I'm not sure how much of depression has / is contributing to prebomb, bomb, and current.

On the bright side, she called me this morning in a panic, b/c she hadn't heard from me & bad stuff went down at work for her. Nothing horrible, just bad. I say the bright side becuase during her attempts to contact me (I was busy working), she had also sent me a text that she FINALLY called and left a message for IC. Yay!

So I'm stuck with how to get her to feel alive. How for her to truly accept my WOA (genuine ones of course), while maintaining not only my PMA, but my sanity too. Also, during the convo last night, she admitted she felt just like she was before, depressed - me doing too much (around the house type stuff). I asked how I can pull back / help her do for herself without being rude, but didn't get much of an answer.

[labug]

her weekends with OM involved her not having to tend to any of our adult responsibilities / real world stuff.
That's the kind of thing most women want, someone to treat them special. Don't tell me you can't figure out how to do it. When you get to that point plan a weekend away, post it here and we'll help you tweak it.

When my kids were little I longed to be taken to a nice hotel room where I didn't have to clean, I could sleep late, drink a glass of wine in the afternoon, nap, read, without interruption, to my heart's content and be on my time schedule!

If the compliments were just before the BD, that was too late. He was already lighting her up. You had no chance then but don't take that as a failure, just bad timing. You may get the opportunity again.

Don't try to fix her (I asked how I can pull back / help her do for herself without being rude, but didn't get much of an answer) just be supportive and show that you're listening. Women talk about things that are bothering them and don't always want a fix. It's just how many of us work through things.