wife wants her space, doesnt know who she is

[mastersolo]

Hi I'm new here so sorry for the long post, I want to get the right advise so I want to let ppl know my whole sitch.

Ok first I am 25 W is 23 married for 4 years have 2 boys 1 and 5. We met in middle school she was 13 I was 14, so we are our only real parteners (except when she left me when I was 17 for 2 months). My wife dropped the bomb that she thinks she wants a divorce about 2 1/2 months ago, which was on a Monday and our 4 year anny was on that thursday :-( she said she doesn't know who she is and that she is still really young and doesn't know if I can give her the life she wants. Says the I love but not in love with you bit and I don't think you can ever change into who I want, and if you do I don't want you to do it for me. She says she isn't sexually attracted to me, there is no passion/intimacy. About 2 1/2 years ago I had a one nighter on my friends bachelor party. I could only keep it from her for about 2 weeks because I felt so bad inside. After that she decided that our relationship was worth saving so we started C. While we were going our C gave us DBing. She dived full force into it (the book and C) while I didn't at all because I hated seeing her cry so my approach was I don't want to talk about it. Needless to say we went for about 6 months then quit. During our counseling sessions I did learn how much she hated me working for my parents and my drug habit. For the next year after we stopped C a lot of nights she would want to talk about emotions and my habit and would cry because I didn't want to and then cry even more because I would fall asleep with her crying next to me. Tho that was when we were pregnant with our 1 year old so I know hormones played a part in it. once our son was born things seemed to mellow out. The crying stopped we never argued except for about 3 things (how I never helped around the house, my pot habit, and my job) I thought things were going ok then about a month before she dropped the bomb my job got so slow I barly was working and there was 3 straight weekends where we went out and I got into bar fights. When she dropped the bomb it really took me by surprise because she has never been a quitter, in highschool while pregnant with our oldest she was still going headstrong getting certified for a dental assistant, has worked her tail off being an assistant since she was 18, I cheated and she didn't quit. When she dropped the bomb I really took a step back and looked at my life and how I lived it and treated her, my kids, myself. And I was really sadened by what I saw. So I have stopped smoking, I clean non stop, and had gotten a new job but was laid off about a month ago. I understand all her frustrations because she has been the one who has had the steady income to pay bills, she has done up until recently all the raising of our kids, the main house cleaner dinner maker and so fourth. She really has been what should have been our whole marriage... The provider and man of the house, while I've just skated by working when I want doing what I want.

So here our current situation. The first 2 weeks she would stay at friends houses or moms, she was drinking a lot, not really being a good mom to our kids. Since then she has continually said to give her space, and we would try but we both ended up back at home. But she has been really good to our kids and hasn't been drinking that much at all. So 5 days ago she officially said she wants space and we have been trading night at our house so we can see out kids every other day. I picked up DBing 3 days ago and 2 days ago found this site and in the last few days have started to detach from her. I don't call, text or anything except when its about the kids. Which is hard for me bacause she is my bestfriend my everything. And up until a few days ago I was checking phone recordes, her bank account, calling her out on any liitle thing thought was suspisous which just pushed her away because everytime ishe would prove me wrong. She has now changed passwords and got off my cell plan. But in all honesty it makes it easier to detach.

So I guess now that I wrote a book I'm wondering what do I do from here, since I just started to read DBing and am only 60 some pages in I don't know what techniques to use. I feel like by not talking or texting her and by giving her space I'm letting her walk away. Anyways sorry for being so long, any advise will greatly be appreciated. Thanks

[AnotherStander]

Hello, welcome to the forums!

About 2 1/2 years ago I had a one nighter on my friends bachelor party. I could only keep it from her for about 2 weeks because I felt so bad inside.

Did you apologize for this? That's a pretty serious breach of trust.

She dived full force into it (the book and C) while I didn't at all because I hated seeing her cry so my approach was I don't want to talk about it.

That's where your problems started I suspect. She worked hard to save the M while you did nothing. Imagine what kind of message you were sending to her.

Tho that was when we were pregnant with our 1 year old so I know hormones played a part in it.

You were doing drugs which she hated, she was working hard on the M while you did nothing, and you had had an affair. And you think it was hormones? Think again.

I thought things were going ok

In DR under the WAW chapter Michele talks about how the W keeps trying to reach out to the H to fix the M but the H sees it as nagging and withdraws. This is exactly what you're describing. The W eventually gives up and quits trying to reach out and starts making her plans to escape the M. The H thinks everything is fine because his W has quit nagging him. He is surprised when he gets the BD. So, you may have been surprised, but she was likely planning it for quite some time.

then about a month before she dropped the bomb my job got so slow I barly was working and there was 3 straight weekends where we went out and I got into bar fights. When she dropped the bomb it really took me by surprise

You got in fights 3 weekends in a row and then were surprised about BD? Wow!

because she has never been a quitter

She didn't quit. You did. She's acting to protect herself.

When she dropped the bomb I really took a step back and looked at my life and how I lived it and treated her, my kids, myself. And I was really sadened by what I saw. So I have stopped smoking, I clean non stop, and had gotten a new job but was laid off about a month ago.

Well that's a start. But you have to understand, you cannot compensate for years of bad behavior by doing good behavior for a week or two. You've got to take stock of ALL your problems, do 180's on those problems, and most importantly- stick to the 180's for a long period of time. Initially she won't believe your 180's are legit, she'll think you're doing it just to get her back and then will revert to old behavior. So you've got to stick with it and be very patient.

Since then she has continually said to give her space, and we would try but we both ended up back at home.

Right now you have got to give her all the time and space you can. Stick to your 180's and be there for her when she reaches out to you for emotional support, but give her space to sort through her thoughts and emotions.

And up until a few days ago I was checking phone recordes, her bank account, calling her out on any liitle thing thought was suspisous which just pushed her away because everytime ishe would prove me wrong.

I hope you've stopped all that. You are right, it pushed her away.

So I guess now that I wrote a book I'm wondering what do I do from here, since I just started to read DBing and am only 60 some pages in I don't know what techniques to use.

You've had it 3 days and have only read 60 pages? How serious are you about this? Most of us devoured it in one evening sitting and then went back and started reading it a 2nd time right away.

I feel like by not talking or texting her and by giving her space I'm letting her walk away.

No, you're giving her space which is exactly what she asked for.

Sorry if any of the above comes off as a bit harsh, but you've really behaved very poorly in your M and you need to understand it's going to take many months of hard work to undo the damage. This is going to be the hardest work of your life, hopefully you're done being irresponsible and are now willing to step up and put the work in. Good luck.

[mastersolo]

anotherstander thanks so much for your reply!

yes it was harch but in all honesty not as harch as ive treated my wife.i have only read that few of pages because i find my self either living on this site or taking care of my kids. since this has all happened i really have switched alot of my old ways. its really crazy how getting the bomb dropped on you really does make you take a close hard look at our life. i know this is going to be a long hard fight but reading stories on here makes me feel somewhat hopeful. because of this site i have been able to really give her her space. just because it gives me somewhere to go to pass my time. i am wanting to know how i should respond to her, we see eachother everyother day to switch the kids and i have been really good on acting as if everything in my life is ok. but im wondering what should i do when she sends me texts on what im doing, or when she calls to talk to the kids at night should i answer? im also wanting to know how i react when i see her and she sparks up conversation? im really trying to work on myself and GAL even tho alot of the time i feel like curling up into a ball. anyways thanks for any advice and for the response!

[mastersolo]

im also wondering is it possible for a young woman to go through an early life crisis? since we started young(really young)she says things like is this all my life has to offer, are you right for me, did i make a mistake, im still young and have a long life to live. ill look at MCLers forums and kinda think hmmmm that sounds like my W.

and on a side note if she offers me to stay on a night im supposed to stay away should i? or should i let her stay at the house if she asks when its a night she is supposed to be away? thanks for any advise DBers!

[mastersolo]

Well I wish I could get of the moderation mode, today when I came home from an interview my W was cleaning our house, as I was waiting for her to leave my S5 was telling her he didn't want her to go so she asked if he wanted to watch a movie. Of course he was exstatic, after about 30 min I left to go sell some old stuff that was sitting around by the time I got back the movie was over, a few minutes later she announced she was leaving so she grabbed her bag then my youngest S1 and oldest S5 both started to crawl at her feet begging her not to go so I asked her if she would prefer if I just stayed else where tonight rather than her so the kids could be happy(not to say they aren't with me). She said that that is ok so I asked her if she could be back from her grandparents not to late so I didn't have to drive to my parents late just to have to drive all the way back in the morning to meet her to get the kids and take them to school. And she said "well you don't have to stay there you can just stay in the bonusroom"

Is that a sign of her letting up a bit?
Should I have just gone to my parents anyways?
Still so new to this DBing so not sure what I'm doing...
Once again I wish I wernt on moderation mode so I could get feed back right away since she isn't home yet from Gparents.

Thanks for the advise!!!

[mastersolo]

Well I guess this is another journal entry

today has been really really rough. last night me and the wife stayed in the same house, when she got home from her grandma's she came upstairs into the bonus room and hung out with the kids and I. she started stating that over the past week she feels like I have given up because I haven't been contacting or talking to her at all except for the kids matters. she said she feels like since I have officially given up and we have both giving up we should just get a divorce. I stated to her that I have not given up I am just simply giving her the space that she has been asking for for 2 months. then she started stating that she doesn't think we can never get back to where we once were. and stated that she wants me to move out if I don't have a job by Thanksgiving. she said that over the past week she feels like I am trying to control the situation, which I don't get because I have been doing that LRT technique, I don't see how that is controlling anything if anything its giving her control in a sense. anyways I helped her make our bed and she said I can sleep in the bed as long as I don't touch her(with a smile, she wasn't being rude). I ended up sleeping in the bed, but I woke up and just felt extremely depressed. I feel like my life is going down the drain. I feel like I have been detaching extremely well but it's somehow back firing with the fact that she said I'm giving up. anyways thanks for reading or listening I guess.

[AnotherStander]

yes it was harch but in all honesty not as harch as ive treated my wife.

Good, well I'm glad you didn't take it personally because what you need to do now is look at yourself as objectively as you can, determine what you've been doing wrong and do 180's on those things. Your W will notice the 180s pretty quickly, but won't believe they're for real. She'll think you're trying to trick her into returning. That's where time comes in, it'll take time and consistent behavior before she believes the changes.

its really crazy how getting the bomb dropped on you really does make you take a close hard look at our life.

BD is a radical, life-changing event. It makes serious, permanent changes in LBSs. Unfortunately the WAS was so convinced their spouse could never change that they're not even willing to give them a chance to change by the time of BD.

i am wanting to know how i should respond to her, we see eachother everyother day to switch the kids and i have been really good on acting as if everything in my life is ok. but im wondering what should i do when she sends me texts on what im doing, or when she calls to talk to the kids at night should i answer?

Great, that's the right thing to do. Act "as if" everything is awesome, show her a content, happy, positive you. When she sends you texts sometimes reply right away, sometimes reply hours later and sometimes don't reply at all. The idea is to make her wonder what you're up to. You want to appear busy and occupied. Same when she calls, sometimes answer right away, sometimes let it go to voice mail and call her back later. You don't want to appear anxious, like you're sitting around the phone waiting for her to call.

im also wanting to know how i react when i see her and she sparks up conversation?

Listen 80% and talk 20%. Make plenty of eye contact, lean forward, don't interrupt, repeat her thoughts back to her. DO NOT try to fix her problems, just listen and empathize. If she starts talking about her emotions then validate them. See DR for more on this.

im also wondering is it possible for a young woman to go through an early life crisis? since we started young(really young)she says things like is this all my life has to offer, are you right for me, did i make a mistake, im still young and have a long life to live.

It's possible, but WAW's have those same thoughts.

and on a side note if she offers me to stay on a night im supposed to stay away should i? or should i let her stay at the house if she asks when its a night she is supposed to be away? thanks for any advise DBers!

Not clear on what you're asking here, stay in the house but in another room, or stay in the same bed or what? In general when this kind of stuff comes up just ask yourself if you think it will help your sitch or hurt it.

And she said "well you don't have to stay there you can just stay in the bonusroom"

Is that a sign of her letting up a bit?

Probably not, it was more of a logistics thing. Try not to look for signs this early in the process, often it just leads to disappointment. And YOU should have stayed in the MBR and told HER she could have the bonus room. The MBR is the throne of the house and you want to stay on the throne. Always remember, you are the LBS. You are the one trying to save the marriage. She is the one that wants to throw it all away without trying and she is the one that needs to be inconvenienced because of it.

Should I have just gone to my parents anyways?

No, you should hold your ground. Stay in the house.

she started stating that over the past week she feels like I have given up because I haven't been contacting or talking to her at all except for the kids matters. she said she feels like since I have officially given up and we have both giving up we should just get a divorce.

This is typical spew. She's crafting lies to make it sound like the D is all your fault, that you're forcing her into it through your actions. It's all meant to guilt you into doing exactly what she wants. I wouldn't be surprised is she said you need to move out next. DON'T DO IT! She's trying to push you around and you need to stand firm.

I stated to her that I have not given up I am just simply giving her the space that she has been asking for for 2 months.

Good response. The only thing I would have changed would be to say that you BOTH need the time and space. You want to instill some doubt into her that maybe she could lose you, that maybe you're thinking about things too.

then she started stating that she doesn't think we can never get back to where we once were.

Your response here should be that you don't want to go back. You're only interested in a new R going forward, one in which both of you chart out a new direction of mutual love and respect.

and stated that she wants me to move out if I don't have a job by Thanksgiving.

I hadn't read this when I wrote the above responses, so there you go. Totally predictable spew. DO NOT MOVE OUT. Tell her that you want to work on the M and you are staying, but if she feels S is what she needs to be happy then you support her decision to move out. You are not agreeing with S, you are only supporting her decision. There's a difference. But regardless, SHE needs to move. SHE needs to deal with the inconvenience of moving. SHE needs to deal with kids that view her as abandoning the home. She will try to convince you that YOU moving out is what needs to happen to heal the M. Don't believe it, she's only saying that for selfish reasons. Right now she has no intentions of saving the M and anything she says to that effect is a lie.

she said that over the past week she feels like I am trying to control the situation, which I don't get because I have been doing that LRT technique, I don't see how that is controlling anything if anything its giving her control in a sense.

She's going to say a lot of things that don't make sense and are contradictory. Just let it roll off of you, don't get caught up in it.

I feel like I have been detaching extremely well but it's somehow back firing with the fact that she said I'm giving up.

It takes time, you've got to be patient. You have to understand that she is done with you right now, she doesn't WANT you to do the right thing. She WANTS you to act like a jerk, argue with her, fight, etc. Because that justifies her position that D is the answer to making her happy. When you do the opposite of what she expects and you actually change into a spouse only a fool would leave, she gets confused and angry and lashes out. It's normal for this to happen. It's important for you to stick to the game plan and give it time to work.

[mastersolo]

Thanks for the advise! Its nice to have some sort of help through this.

I'm realizing I am having a horrible time with the patience Part. with me not having a job right now all I've Got is my mind all day, and my mind tends to sit there and think how bad I want my family back, especially when I have my S5 talking about his mommy all day. like yesterday my wife called me to ask if she can have the kids a little early so she could take my S5 to a movie. I agree to let her have him because my son really wanted to see wreck it Ralph, when she walked through the door she told my son that he was going to see a movie with her and he got really excited and came up to me and said daddy daddy do you want to come with. I would have loved to go. Or like the other day he asked when mommy was going to be home and I said later today when she's off work and he was like YAY do I get mommy and daddy tonight! it's things like that that really gets me down because I have always been the family dad who loves spending time with his family, I want this to be over with right now. And I want this DBing to work magic. So patients is hard for me I'm really trying to work on it. But ill look at people on here who are still going through the motions 10 months later and I sit here and think "wow how am I going to deal with this for that long" another thing that won't let my mind shut off is that fact of the holidays coming up. on Thanksgiving and Christmas we have always gone to both our families gatherings. so the fact that on Thanksgiving I'm only going to mine is really tearing me apart expescially because I love her family. and we normally do Christmas lights on the house and decorate inside the house together and I'm sitting here thinking about that. I really want this to be settled before Christmas it's almost like a goal of mine. but I'm really trying to tell myself day by day... trying to tell myself to not think of what she is doing or where she is. I feel like I'm a heroin addict trying to come off of heroin only she is my heroin... it's like I'm withdrawing from her. I know that screams codependency but we have been together for so long and had kids at such a young age our entire adult life has been raising the kids together with each other. so introducing the fact of getting a life by myself is very hard for me. she is doing so well at not being with me its like she is so content in out doing your own thing and loving it, Friday she went and got her hair done and went dress shopping for a end of the year work party. she sent me a picture of her hair and she looked absolutely beautiful. I sit here and think I wish I could make her have those thoughts about me. Sorry to ramble this kind of turned into a venting session

[AnotherStander]

I'm realizing I am having a horrible time with the patience Part.

We all do!

with me not having a job right now all I've Got is my mind all day

Find things to do with yourself. Look for a job. Go for walks/ jogs. Ride a bike if you have one. Go hang out at the park with the kids. Contact old friends. Try and make new friends. GAL (get a life). It's critical to DB'ing. Without GAL you can't have PMA, and if you don't have PMA your W will just see a weak, broken down person she has no interest in an R with.

So patients is hard for me I'm really trying to work on it. But ill look at people on here who are still going through the motions 10 months later and I sit here and think "wow how am I going to deal with this for that long"

I can't speak for everyone here, but most people who have been DB'ing 10+ months are not just going through the motions, they are actively making themselves better people. They have come to a point where they can live with or without their spouse but for now they choose to stand.

and we normally do Christmas lights on the house and decorate inside the house together and I'm sitting here thinking about that.

Why stop now? We too have always done it up for Christmas, and you can bet this year will be no exception except W will not be helping. It's important to keep as much of your family traditions intact as you can for the kids' sake. Heck, since W moved out I've even been baking cookies for the kids.

I really want this to be settled before Christmas it's almost like a goal of mine.

Sorry to say that is highly unlikely. I thought my sitch would be resolved by Christmas when this started for me 5 months ago, but it's clear now that it won't be. Besides, you shouldn't be setting goals like that, it's harmful. Set goals regarding your personal development. DR will walk you through how to do that.

I feel like I'm a heroin addict trying to come off of heroin only she is my heroin... it's like I'm withdrawing from her. I know that screams codependency but we have been together for so long and had kids at such a young age our entire adult life has been raising the kids together with each other.

My W and I had been together 25 years. It took months of work and deep soul-searching, but I'm finally in a place where I can see that I really CAN have a great, happy, exciting future with or without W. And I'm over twice your age. You'll come to that realization too, just be patient.

so introducing the fact of getting a life by myself is very hard for me.

Do you think it's easy for any of us? We've all been there in the same misery and soul-level anguish. GAL is insanely difficult because all any of us want to do after BD is sulk around the house and wallow in our misery. Getting out is actually more painful than holing up. But the more you do it the more you start to enjoy it and the less you miss your W. So make yourself do it. Drag yourself out kicking and screaming.

[mastersolo]

Haha you cracked me up a few times there! I'm glad you learned how to bake cookies!!!
I plan on doing the christmas decorating reguardless of where I'm at in my R. Tho the other day my W mentioned doing it together. I may just do it without her a day or two after thanksgiving.
Last night I literally had to drag myself out to watch the duck game at my sisters. Because I know I need GAL. Ended up scoring tickets to the civil war game front row!
I'm still trying to grasp how people can get to a point where they are ok with or without there spouse, I feel like missing my W is what helps me continue to fight for my M.