wife wants her space, doesnt know who she is

[MrBond]

Where does she expect you to go if you don't have a job? How long have you been unemployed?

[mastersolo]

Stay where I have been everyother night... My parents and its been about 1 1/2 months of unemployed

[labug]

Mastersolo, just caught up on your sitch and saw this: im also wondering is it possible for a young woman to go through an early life crisis?

Good question. People go through life crises at any and all ages. Maybe she feels like she lost her youth and now is trying to get it back, or she doesn't like being married, or she doesn't like being responsible for all the bills, or she's concerned you'll relapse...

Your work doesn't change no matter what. You work on you and leave her to figure out her stuff.

You have a lot to work on.

You didn't take C seriously, bad habits, you've lost your job (not that it's your fault but that can throw an R on shaky ground over the edge).

What are your job prospects looking like? I'd get any job just to prove you're willing to do what it takes to support your family. Check out the package delivery services, it's that time of year. Get 2 "little jobs" if you have to.

You're 25, do you have a role model, someone in your life you look up to? What are his qualities?

If not, make your own list of who you would like to be, how you would like your children to see you, as well as your W.

[mastersolo]

Man... The more people comment on my situation, the more I think I cant win this battle... Reality [censored]

[labug]

ARe you only willing to improve yourself in you can be assured a "win"?

I had a conversation with my IC this morning and despite all the $ucky stuff I've been through in the last 19-20 mos, I told her truthfully, that I have my H to thank for spurring me to improve myself and work on my issues. I am so much happier with myself today than I was then.

So even tho I wouldn't have chosen this path, I'm the better for having walked it. I "won" even tho there are no signs that my M will be saved.

It's a marathon not a sprint, so you have to be in this for the long haul.

What specifically in my message made you rethink this? I listed things to work on and help the sitch.

If you don't know what you need to work on you really are lost.

[mastersolo]

I understand, I have told my W thank you a few times for” waking me up. Because of this it allowed me to take an outside - in look at myself. And because of this I have quit smoking, which has made met feel way more energetic which has made me a way better father and husband. I used to be extremely lazy but now shay part with my kids and my house its almost always spotless. So I know this is for the bbetter. And reguardless I will continue to improve but its nice to have a awesome payoff in the end which would be my M better then ever

[25yearsmlc]

I have not finished reading your whole thread but wanted to react to this post of yours.....

Thanks for the advise! Its nice to have some sort of help through this.

I'm realizing I am having a horrible time with the patience Part. with me not having a job right now all I've Got is my mind all day, and my mind tends to sit there and think how bad I want my family back, especially when I have my S5 talking about his mommy all day. like yesterday my wife called me to ask if she can have the kids a little early so she could take my S5 to a movie.

Stop THINKING about a job and GET ONE...you need it for at least 4 reasons, First you need it financially, you need it maritally, you need it mentally and you need it so you don't just SIT THERE and dawdle, which is a lot of what she has been seeing you do for years.


I could be wrong but you SEEM to choose the course of action that is easiest for you. I know it's NOT "easy" but the action plan that requires the least action on your end...

like going to the LRT when you have not done other things FIRST sort of contradicts the point of LRT which is a LAST RESORT...but you went to the "i'll just back off and do nothing and see what happens"

when to ME, it seems your w has wanted you to help LEAD your family, You sound like a guy who is just out of high school who likes to play video games and party and goes to work just enough to pay some bills...but sometimes not even that...

and SHE is working and raising the kids and doing the housework OR SHE WAS at least...

that's what she saw. I don't see that much "alien spew" from her so much as pleading with you to "Get it"...

I see hope in your sitch on HER end but fear you aren't going to grow up fast enough for her.

I'm Sorry for that 2 x 4 but I can't think of another way to say it.




I agree to let her have him because my son really wanted to see wreck it Ralph, when she walked through the door she told my son that he was going to see a movie with her and he got really excited and came up to me and said daddy daddy do you want to come with.

SIDENOTE---PLEASE BREAK UP YOUR POSTS INTO SMALLER PARAGRAPHS b/c it's easier to read for us...



I would have loved to go. Or like the other day he asked when mommy was going to be home and I said later today when she's off work and he was like YAY do I get mommy and daddy tonight! it's things like that that really gets me down because I have always been the family dad who loves spending time with his family, I want this to be over with right now.

but you have to work on YOU first, before you can just "want it to be over now"...why wouldn't it just happen again if you have not grown into the man you want to become?

Use this time wisely. Work on you b/c you are the only person here whom you can control

And I want this DBing to work magic. So patients is hard for me I'm really trying to work on it. But ill look at people on here who are still going through the motions 10 months later and I sit here and think "wow how am I going to deal with this for that long"

All you have to do is today's Dbing...don't look too far ahead. IT becomes overwhelming.


another thing that won't let my mind shut off is that fact of the holidays coming up. on Thanksgiving and Christmas we have always gone to both our families gatherings. so the fact that on Thanksgiving I'm only going to mine is really tearing me apart expescially because I love her family. and we normally do Christmas lights on the house and decorate inside the house together and I'm sitting here thinking about that.

PLan and DO some things you want to do. Make it happen. You're the father of these children so stop acting helpless. Your wife wants to be married to a man, not a man/boy.



I really want this to be settled before Christmas it's almost like a goal of mine.

get a grip. This will NOT be "Settled" before Christmas unless you mean separating and divorcing. Good grief...come on, you are acting like a silly youth. You are a father. Get some stamina in there.

Your GOAL is to get through Christmas and to give your kids some good memories of the holidays...it also gives your w something to miss & remember later on and reflect upon, and to allow other good memories to resurface....

Become a man only a fool would leave. THAT ought to be your real goal.

IMO, Then, no matter what she does, you're a better person for this.



but I'm really trying to tell myself day by day... trying to tell myself to not think of what she is doing or where she is. I feel like I'm a heroin addict trying to come off of heroin only she is my heroin... it's like I'm withdrawing from her. I know that screams codependency


yes it does scream of it. So does marrying the only girl you ever dated...but it's too late for that issue to be visited now. Are YOU in counselling yet?


but we have been together for so long and had kids at such a young age our entire adult life has been raising the kids together with each other. so introducing the fact of getting a life by myself is very hard for me.

life can be hard and this time of your life IS indeed hard. But you still have to man up and do it. When I say "GAL" I mean to JOIN something or take a class or advance yourself in some way. You will NOT be by yourself, just not with your w all the time.

You'll bring more to the table by having other interests and hobbies instead of merely hovering around her and sucking out HER life energy to keep you going. She's more like your blood supply but she needs her own blood and you must make your own.


she is doing so well at not being with me its like she is so content in out doing your own thing and loving it, Friday she went and got her hair done and went dress shopping for a end of the year work party.

would those events ever have been fun for YOU? I cannot imagine having my h with me for my hair (that's girl time) and so is dress shopping.
YOU MUST GAL ASAP...

While living in the interior of Alaska, and having HARSH winters like you would not believe, I did the following GAL AND btw, I had a newborn...

I joined a writer's group. Met interesting smart folks.

I auditioned for local community theater. Meet cool fun people.

I did stand up comedy. I made people laugh and now I do it semi professionally.

I volunteered to work at a women's shelter. Learned gratitude.

I did PTA stuff with the older kids' school. Bonded with my kids & helped a good cause.

I learned how to cross country ski and to shoot well and to deep sea fish.

I got my pilot's license. Fascinating.

I took a Conversational French class and an Italian cooking class. Stretched my brain and can cook some GREAT dishes.

I worked out and got into great shape. LOOKED my best and felt better.

I saw a therapist and for awhile, I took some anti-depressants to stop the obessing and to get a grip on the 22 hours of darkness those days.

Got some coping skills.

I hope this^^ gives you some ideas...get more creative. Push yourself MUCH MORE than you have been.

And btw, almost all of the things I did, cost little to nothing.

she sent me a picture of her hair and she looked absolutely beautiful.

That's great! DId you compliment her? I sure hope so. What are her love languages? Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman? it's a good book for all couples. I highly recommend it, after you've read the Div Remedy book but please finish reading it!


I sit here and think I wish I could make her have those thoughts about me. Sorry to ramble this kind of turned into a venting session

[25yearsmlc]

I catch myself looking at the success stories and I see some that were fixed in a few weeks

No....I've been here 6 years (reconciled after 2 years, and had a year of piecing).

WHO fixed their situation in a "few weeks" and had it last? I have never seen that happen that fast...ever. IF a couple "reconciles" in less than say, 3 months, I have a hard time believing they'll stay married long term. That's just fear of being apart that makes them "reconcile"...not true change or insight. That takes time.

What matters, what is KEY, is that

you demonstrate that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

How ANYONE can do that in a few weeks, is beyond me...it requires genuine time consuming change on YOUR end and hers.

So how would marriage to you now, be better or different than before?

Why won't you simply revert to old ways as soon as she takes you back?

I ask that b/c it's HER FEAR....

or a couple months and I keep thinking "why can't that be me?"

someday it can be you. You are NOT powerless. But what are YOU doing to change you?


But then like just now my son wanted to call my W to say goodnight, after she was done talking to him she asked to talk to me, when I picked up the phone I could tell she had been drinking so I asked her if she had been and she said "yea I had a couple so?" and started to talk about how were doing the kids on thanksgiving, we settled it and I found myself asking her where she was, she said at her moms and seemed like she wanted to get off the phone, I asked if she was lying

WHY Are you blowing it like this? Learn to STFU and NOT ask questions like that. Frankly it's none of your business if she's been drinking if she's not driving your kids

and you said you thought she was LYING? Hey, read the book again or finish it or do what it takes so our words sink in...


and she said "no would you like to talk to my mom?" I said no I believe you. Then she asked if I could meet her after work tomorrow rather then her come out to my parents to pick the kids up(I'm working out there tomorrow). I asked why and she said she feels really awkward around my family.

The question "WHY?" Is usually going to cause a defensive reaction in your spouse. My DB coach told me that and it's a good lesson. Don't bother with all these questions as they do NOT HELP YOU....

they lead to conflict and escalation.

If I were you and she mentions a bad memory you can say "W, If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently"...

and if she makes something up (or YOU think she has) then you say

"Wow w, I sure don't recall it that way but I'm so sorry you were hurt..and drop it.

This way you do not escalate anything BUT you "own" that you may need to change and you get it.

When I talk to her i just realize how done she is with me through our little convo.... And man it hurts... I really can't bear it

what she SAYS now does not make it true,

AND

even if she does believe ALL that she says now, it does not mean she cannot change her mind.

I wrote in my journal from 2005 and see many "certainties" I had that were not correct

or were "right" but are now NOT what I feel. Nothing she says is written in stone.

WE tell you to "Ignore all that she SAYS and half of what she DOES" for a reason.

Let it slide off your back and get back to working on YOU and only you.

make sense?

You're not powerless. You have work to do on you, so begin...

[mastersolo]

Haha I have applied EVERY WHERE! I'm either over qualified out under.I do auto body work so unless I find a job doing that I'm in limbo. I had no clue it was so hard! I've filed out at least 100 apps and sent in at least 100 resumes.

[MrBond]

So have you thought of looking for something outside of your regular line of work for now? Having a job is a big thing for women. They look for security (emotionally and financially) from the men they're with.