wife wants her space, doesnt know who she is

[AnotherStander]

Haha you cracked me up a few times there! I'm glad you learned how to bake cookies!!!

OK OK OK, I have to admit that they're already premixed, I'm literally only throwing them on a cookie sheet and baking them, LOL! But they taste good and give the house that homey smell just the same

I plan on doing the christmas decorating reguardless of where I'm at in my R.

Excellent, do it for yourself and your kids but I'm willing to bet W is going to feel some pangs of regret when she sees the house all done up and realizes it's not her home anymore.

Last night I literally had to drag myself out to watch the duck game at my sisters.

Good job, you're on the right track! Just keep doing it, it gets easier each time.

I'm still trying to grasp how people can get to a point where they are ok with or without there spouse, I feel like missing my W is what helps me continue to fight for my M.

I'm not fighting for the M anymore. I started out furiously DB'ing because I wanted my M fixed (NOW! RIGHT NOW!!!) But somewhere along the line the 180's that I was doing for my M became 180's for me, and then not even 180's but just part of the new me. And I came to the realization that any form of fighting for the M is counterproductive. The whole idea of GAL, PMA, DB, etc. is to QUIT fighting and give W time and space to sort through her thoughts. I think you have to get to that point before you can say you've really and truly detached. Now when I see W I don't feel the pain and longing, I just see a familiar face. I can talk to her as if she's a neighbor. Would I reconcile with her? Yes, that's why I'm not dating. But I'm not going to wait forever, I'm prepared to move on, I just don't know when yet. For now I choose to stand. But I'm in control of my life, I will stand until I choose not to.

[Big Bruce]

In a lot of ways our sitches are common : bad behaviour, W not happy and who gives up, kids.

Let me reassure you : it won't be solved by X-mas, if at all.
I thought at the beginning that my situation would be solved in a week or two. When it became apparent that it would take a month, I got depressed. It's been now several months, but the important thing is to look for baby steps.

So, I'm going to help you with he patience part : it's only the beginning, brace yourself buddy.

[mastersolo]

I catch myself looking at the success stories and I see some that were fixed in a few weeks or a couple months and I keep thinking "why can't that be me?" But then like just now my son wanted to call my W to say goodnight, after she was done talking to him she asked to talk to me, when I picked up the phone I could tell she had been drinking so I asked her if she had been and she said "yea I had a couple so?" and started to talk about how were doing the kids on thanksgiving, we settled it and I found myself asking her where she was, she said at her moms and seemed like she wanted to get off the phone, I asked if she was lying and she said "no would you like to talk to my mom?" I said no I believe you. Then she asked if I could meet her after work tomorrow rather then her come out to my parents to pick the kids up(I'm working out there tomorrow). I asked why and she said she feels really awkward around my family.

When I talk to her i just realize how done she is with me through our little convo.... And man it hurts... I really can't bear it

[AnotherStander]

I catch myself looking at the success stories and I see some that were fixed in a few weeks or a couple months and I keep thinking "why can't that be me?"

Yeah, I remember reading those stories and thinking the same thing. And I was really hopeful that was going to be us too. Early after BD things were going really well. We were going to MC, we were getting along really well at home, going out on dates, having more sex than ever, etc. None of it mattered though. There is no minimizing just how completely and utterly "done" a WAS is when they get to the point of dropping the bomb. It's like asking a cruise ship to turn around to look for someone that fell overboard, just ain't gonna happen.

When I talk to her i just realize how done she is with me through our little convo.... And man it hurts... I really can't bear it

Yes it hurts, but you can bear it. And don't let her kill your hope in every little convo. Just remember, she's following the WAS script. Don't believe anything she says and less than half of what she does. She's confused and hurting inside. That is the DB 180 tip that you need to burn into your memory and picture it everytime she says something hurtful.

[mastersolo]

What the ending to the WAS script then, I feel like the end result or the result that is expected is divorce... I feel like that contradicts truly DBing.

[AnotherStander]

What the ending to the WAS script then, I feel like the end result or the result that is expected is divorce... I feel like that contradicts truly DBing.

The ending is an unknown. There are no guarantees. That's why DB focuses on you rather than the M. Because if you make yourself a better person, you win regardless of what happens with the M.

That said, I will give you the 4 examples of the "end result" that I know of first-hand:

My mom was a WAW. She tried to return about 6 months later, but dad was done with her and had moved on. He told her to take a hike.

My stepdad's first wife was a WAW. She tried to return 2 years later and he told her he wasn't interested.

One of my neighbors was a WAW. She left her husband, start partying like it's 1999, got a big dragonfly tattoo on her back with "she finally has her wings" in latin around it. 6 months later she was back at home and still is several months later.

A good buddy of mine's 2nd wife was a WAW. They barely spoke for a year. Then they started talking, then going out, then ML and now are talking about reconciling (2 years after she walked).

These men all moved on with their lives and at that point found their W's suddenly returning. Two of them had lost interest by then while two of them had not. I think the real key here is to note how much time was involved. Even in the DB success stories it is very rare for a sitch to resolve in less than a few months. Most of the time it takes 6 months to a year, sometimes longer than that (especially if MLC is involved). I think if more LBS's were able to wait, more marriages would hold together. I also think a lot of it is poor information, outside of these forums and Michele's books there's little hope offered to LBS's. Typically they're told to move on, that their spouse is done and gone. If the world was more familiar with DB'ing and understaood that most WAS's negative attitudes are TEMPORARY, I think many more marriages would be saved.

[mastersolo]

Great examples! I guess I'm just starting the process and am having trouble understanding my W actions. She has always been huge on her morals (hard worker, great great mom, doesn't drink all that much, always wants to talk thing through rather than quit, very loving) and now she doesn't talk, drinks quite abit, she was very very distant from the kids but has gotten a lot better. Its like she isn't who she has been her whole life. And I know she won't continue to act how she is because its not who she is. Its like I'm waiting for her to "snap" out of it.

I know this isn't what I'm supposed to do but I'm going to be coming on a chunk of a change and really wanted to take a trip to the beach and was thinking about mentioning to her if she wanted to come. To just get away for a weekend. I feel like me not showing her love is letting her walk away. Anyways I woke up in a funk today and am trying to convince my mind to be happy and positive. Anyways have a great day!

[mastersolo]

Your examples just made me think, my sister went through the same thing with her first husband, she was the WAW and was telling me she never thought in a million years she would want her ex H back but after some od time before the divorce was final she wanted and begged for him back but he said no and moved on. She ended up the one left behind.

[leopoldstotch]

There's a few success stories on here in which the LBS was truly ready to move on with their lives after a long time being in their respective situations and then the WAS realized they didn't want to lose their S. It's not to say that that is something you do just to try to get your W to come back. Those LBS really worked on themselves and made changes in themselves to be truly better people but their WAW's were still unsure/hesitant if you will. Again it's not a tactic to use to force your W back. I also find it interesting that in the stories I read the WAS wasn't even living in the house with the LBS and a lot of people think it's impossible for their S to see their changes if they don't have regular contact.

I think you also have to understand that your W is also going through pain and she is hurting too just like you. It was not an easy decision for her to come to and you really need to be genuine with your changes. Your W can tell whether you are being real or fake. Do not change just to win her back because if your changes aren't real and she does come back and you go back to your old habits I guarentee you you will lose her for good. Take it from someone who has done that and hasn't truly DB properly.

AS has given you some excellent advice. I happen to agree with him on not moving out. You want to save your M and at this moment your W doesn't. I know you may think that by giving in to her every demand it will bring her back but it shows you have no respect for yourself. I also would not move out of the bedroom. She has made the choice to end it right now so IMHO it should be her to move to another room or move out. She will probably be really mad with you but that's what she will will have to deal with. Now I'm not telling you to be nasty to her about it but I would suggest if the subject comes that you state your position in calm confident way.

If for example she says you should move out or move to the back bedroom you could handle it like this " I understand how you feel but Iam not moving out of the house and I will not move out of our bedroom". Cool and confident not mean and nasty is how to handle it. She will probably yell scream curse etc but just walk away or go take a drive. Right now she probably doesn't have any respect for you and believes that she can do whatever she wants to you and you will do it. My W told me when we were separated before that she really enjoyed having that kind of power over me. My story is long so in a nutshell once I regained my self respect and was ready to move on was when my W knew she lost her control on me and we R. Well now I'm back because I slid back into old habits and now its that much harder for her to want to be with me.

As far as you asking her to go somewhere with you I'm not sure it's a good idea. I think it will be seen by her as pressure or possibly trying to buy her love. Last year I bought my W a few gifts for her birthday Dec 23 and for Christmas and damn if she didn't say she felt I was trying to buy her love. Talk about a crushing blow. This year I may only give her a card. You've been out of work and are getting a chunk of change. If I were you I would use it to pay bills and Christmas gifts for your kids.

You said your W has complained about the job you had and your lack of work. To me it sounds like she may feel you two are financially insecure. You are young enough to get out there and find a good job. I don't know what it is you do but you can always try getting into one of the trades. You need to think about your furture such as a retirement fund annuity health insurance etc. I can almost bet those things are on your Ws mind. So its time to go out and get yourself a career. Even if things don't work out you still need to do this for yourself.

I also noticed you said that you had three bar fights recently. I hate to say this bud but it's for your own good but that's very immature. You are a father and a husband I cannot imagine what your W really thought about that. I have to ask if you also have a drinking problem along with smoking pot. I also see that you have a lot of anger. I would advise that you go see a C. If you value yourself your children and your W you will go see someone. Theres no shame in it. I go and it has helped me tremendously. Am I perfect, absolutely not but I'm no longer inclined to feed off my W anger.

You have a long road ahead of you this will not be fixed by Christmas. There is no timetable so I would lose that expectation. I know you said you have no patience well guess what you need to get some right NOW! Without it you won't make it through this. There is a thread on here from a WAS that you should read if you haven't already. I would also suggest you read The Five Love Languages but first and foremost read DR. You have time to read so get busy. Sorry to be tough but it's warranted. Make sure you take care of yourself. Sleep, eat healthy, start lifting weights and please GAL it will help you cope immensely. Best of luck. Now get to work. I'll be checking in.

[mastersolo]

Right now we aren't staying together, we switch everyother day at our home to be with the kids. I have only stayed with her once in the last few weeks. Before that we stayed together everynight after the bomb was dropped. The reason she wants me to move out by thanksgiving if I don't have a job is because she is paying all the bills. I'm not sure how I say no when she has a point. In all honesty if I could afford the house myself I would tell her she can move out. As far as drinking problem I had a little spell where I lost my cool a few weeks ina row. But I am trying to GAL its just hard with no cash. And the fact that I have very few friends because my wife and I lost most our friends because we were raising kids young and no one wanted to deal with us. But I'll get through. I havnt givin buying her a gift a thought yet I think I ll asses the sitch when its closer to then. Anyways I guess ill just tell her I'm taking the kids to the beach, but what if she wants to come? Anyways I think I addressed everything. Thanks for all the support and advise!