wife wants her space, doesnt know who she is

[mastersolo]

25 - trust me I'm "ripe" for change. I've been going through this for 3 months now and I believe I have done a permentent changes. Does she believe it yet... I'm sure she doesn't... It took me years to get in this predicament and I'm sure it will take me awhile to get out of it. I have learned a lot some here some elsewhere through reading which I've done a ton of in the last 3 months.

Where is your GAL list? I tried looking for it but have not had success.

I went to the LRT right away because the first little over 2 months I did a lot of changes and kept them up, but she was still insisting on space which for her was a trial seperation which is where we have been for almost 3 weeks now, switching everyother day staying at our house. It was after we were seperated that I picked up DB. And it was my understanding that if you have a WAW in which you are seperated with you should pretty much start the LRT. But I guess that could be my misinterpretation. But that's why I'm on this forum to get support on what I am doing wrong and right

As far as employment goes I got offered a job today.

[mastersolo]

Wow so lsat might didn't go so well... My W started R talk and started to say thinks we need more time apart, rather then doing everyother day at our house and "seeing eachother everyother day" she thinks we should do more of a true serperation splitting up our week into 3 mine 4 hers then switch it. She also started talking about her feelings and the way she felt about me, which was a really hard pill to swallow! Saying she is way happier when she is away from me and she feels like she is a better mom when I'm not around. She says she hates me for what I've put her through. And she doesn't think we can ever get back to where we once were. I validated evrything she said mind you as she is saying all this. She went on to say she doesn't want to work onthe marraige because she believes it would be too much work and wouldn't be worth it in the end because she won't be as happy as she could be. Then said that maybe we should get a legal seperation and maybe 6 months down the road if we truly miss eachother then maybe we can get back together...

I know I should not believe anything she says and half of what she does but man o man hard night...

[25yearsmlc]

Wow so lsat might didn't go so well... My W started R talk and started to say thinks we need more time apart, rather then doing everyother day at our house and "seeing eachother everyother day" she thinks we should do more of a true serperation splitting up our week into 3 mine 4 hers then switch it.

well it's very hard to detach when you see each other this often. It's also MUCH harder for her to notice any changes in you. So there's an upside to this AND you only have so much control anyhow...may as well adapt your best.

Besides, I don't think you have detached, at all...do you?


She also started talking about her feelings and the way she felt about me, which was a really hard pill to swallow! Saying she is way happier when she is away from me and she feels like she is a better mom when I'm not around.

any idea why she said this? You'll hear not to put much stock into what they say BUT it doesn't mean there's no value in it. Consider it a "mission" to learn what the heck she means by that comment...maybe ask her to explain it.

Explore it further, b/c no matter what, you two ARE going to have to co parent the rest of your lives so you need to know what she means and if there's any validity to it and why...

She says she hates me for what I've put her through.

what do you think SHE MEANS by that comment? Have you genuinely apologized for the comments that have some truth in them?




And she doesn't think we can ever get back to where we once were. I validated evrything she said \

tell me what that means to YOU...when you say you "validated", what did you exactly tell her?

mind you as she is saying all this. She went on to say she doesn't want to work onthe marraige because she believes it would be too much work and wouldn't be worth it in the end because she won't be as happy as she could be.

obviously we here do not agree ---BUT we also know that our words will fall on deaf ears. Don't bother arguing your point...but know that a marriage that restores itself or rights itself, and improves

shows the power and beauty of forgiveness (which ALL long term marriages require) AND the power of redemption and commitment, and lasting love.

that's my message for YOU, not for you to give her. She cannot hear you right now. All you can DO, is demonstrate the changes you are making and for every year of the r, it usually takes at least a month of consistent change for the other spouse to believe in it.

If you've been together for say, 6 years, that means it's 6 months of CONSISTENT change on your end, before she'll believe the change is real.

Then said that maybe we should get a legal seperation and maybe 6 months down the road if we truly miss eachother then maybe we can get back together...

I know I should not believe anything she says and half of what she does but man o man hard night...

Man, I know it doesn't feel good. I know...

But filing for a legal sep sure beats filing for a DIVORCE...

and it would give you time to GET A LIFE (my personal list at the end of this post)

and do the work you need to do to become the best man YOU can become...

become a man only a fool would leave.

ALSO, did you read what I posted to you? There are A LOT of unanswered parts still out there for you to respond to...


GAL

When I lived in the interior of Alaska, it was very difficult to GAL and be happy and not just "surrender" to the darkness outside and inside...

and we had a newborn baby too...

So I Got A Life...big time. Biggest obstacle was just overcoming my inertia, but once I made the effort, I never had a regret.

Okay so...see if any of these appeal to you OR might...

I joined a writer's group. Met smart interesting people AND later on, got a job editing a book.

I auditioned for community theater and soon got roles. Met fun people.

I did stand up comedy, which I now do semi professionally.

I coached a girl's softball team.

I was on the Board of Trustees for Alaskan Wrestlers, which my son was into doing.

I worked out and got in great shape. (I looked good and that helped me FEEL good.)

I used a tanning booth in the darkness of winter and it helped my mood AND so did seeing a therapist, and briefly getting on anti depressants.

I did volunteer work at a women's shelter.

I got my pilot's license. (The only pricey thing I did in my GAL).

I took a conversational French class AND an Italian cooking class.

I took a pottery class-that was very out of my normal routine.

I did PTA things at my kids schools and it helped me know my child's friends and teacher more. I went on field trips as a chaperone.

I edited a book. B/c of the books' topic (hunting) I learned to hunt big game.

I learned to deep sea fish. I learned to cross country ski and to shoot well.

I joined a wive's club, also a new thing for me. That was great b/c i met the two bff's who got me through such a hard time. Not sure I'd have made it without them.

I met none of these people thru my h. All on my own...

And it made ME more interestING and more interestED...and HAPPY...

and your w needs to see you as a happy guy who is fun to be around...

a man with "a lot going on for him", AND someone with a future...

as a solid provider, as a willing dedicated co parent, as an interesting companion, as a passionate lover, and as aareliable loyal friend. Those are traits we all want in our partners.

What do YOU want to work on the most? What would make you feel as if you were making progress in those goals?

And btw, congrats on the new job.

Also-I'm curious... What would you LIKE to do as a career, if you could do anything?

[mastersolo]

Yes I would agree it is very hard to detach when we see eachother so often, what would you recommend? As far as me detaching... I would say no I havnt... Still working on how to do it. Its like I'm addicted to her!

She says she's a better mom when I'm not around because its like she is instantly irritated at EVERYTHING when I'm around. So any little thing anyone does she over reacts. And she says she isn't a good mom when she is snapping at the kids. And she says she is happier because right when she walks through the door she has this pissed off demeanor... I may not even say a word but for some reason she has this rudeness toward me.

As far as legal seperation she says she wants to go that route because right now she wants the space to make sure she wants the divorce, (I wish it were so she could work on herself, and WORK on the marriage). I'm not sure what legal seperation intells I may do some reading today on it.

As far as what I want to work on is GAL, I have very little friends and money so it is a little difficult but once I figure it out I think I'll be good.

As far as the job I got a call last night saying they are reconsidering because of some mishaps I got into when I was 17

Any job would be owning my own autobody business and selling cars on the side. (That what my parents did before they retired)

[leopoldstotch]

Yes I would agree it is very hard to detach when we see eachother so often, what would you recommend? As far as me detaching... I would say no I havnt... Still working on how to do it. Its like I'm addicted to her!

You detach by GAL. You need to have interests and hobbies outside of your W. It's not healthy for you to be so dependent on her. That's a lot of pressure on her and she doesn't want that.

She says she's a better mom when I'm not around because its like she is instantly irritated at EVERYTHING when I'm around. So any little thing anyone does she over reacts. And she says she isn't a good mom when she is snapping at the kids. And she says she is happier because right when she walks through the door she has this pissed off demeanor... I may not even say a word but for some reason she has this rudeness toward me.

There has to be a reason WHY she is instantly irritated when you are around. There must be something you did or maybe didn't do to cause her to feel this way. I have a feeling and correct me if I'm wrong it has to do with your lack of a job and your pot smoking. Did she come home from work and find you playing XBox or Playstation half baked out of your mind? If so there's your answer. I have to ask this because if it's true it may not be a big deal to you but it is for her.

As far as legal seperation she says she wants to go that route because right now she wants the space to make sure she wants the divorce, (I wish it were so she could work on herself, and WORK on the marriage). I'm not sure what legal seperation intells I may do some reading today on it.

Ok that is not the end of the world. Legal separation is to benefit both of you. You sit down and write up an agreement as to the terms of your separation. What you wish and what she wants right now are two different things. Don't focus on her right now. Focus on you becoming a man only a fool would leave.

As far as what I want to work on is GAL, I have very little friends and money so it is a little difficult but once I figure it out I think I'll be good.

As far as the job I got a call last night saying they are reconsidering because of some mishaps I got into when I was 17

Any job would be owning my own autobody business and selling cars on the side. (That what my parents did before they retired) [/quote]

Sorry to hear about the job. I suggest you get a CDL and get a job truck driving for now. It's better than nothing.

[mastersolo]

Leo - I am starting more and more to get out and about. And its not that I'm dependent on her its just we have always been the family that does everything together. So this is all new to me.

As far as the reason WHY she is instantly irritated I really don't know. I quite smoking pot the day she dropped the bomb. So about three months now. She says she just doesn't like me and dreads coming home because all we will do is fight... Which our fights have been about out relationship(which I have stopped talking about unless she brings it up, and I know I still need to learn to walk away when it get a little flaired up). Honestly she just hates me and the thought of being around me makes her mad.

And trucking may be something I'm looking at doing.... I need something anything! The thing I'm worried about is losing my house in a divorce

[25yearsmlc]

I'll post more later but your comment that you don't have much money with which to GAL

bugs me...

did you even read my list? You said NOTHING about it...

Like it said, only the pilot's license cost much. And I was in the interior of Alaska, w/a newborn, so I KNOW there's more opportunities for things wherever you are.

YOU CAN do more and better. Start owning your life.

As for the car business, my brother did that while in college. He fixed up cars and worked on them and made enough to pay for his schooling...in theory, you don't even need someone to hire you.

And what "mishaps" would anyone learn of, if you were a juvenile? I'm a L and am surprised that could still haunt you,

unless you were asked specifically about something and denied it...

AND OR if it relates to their employee work, such as theft from an employer or drug use at work.

Anyhow, you dont' have to give up. They said they are recondsidering you,

not rejecting.

Pursue the job more energetically.

Own a mistake you made (if it;s true) and tell them what you've learned AND
Show them that they can count on you and that you value the chance they'd be giving you to prove your worth to them.

Good luck!

[mastersolo]

its been awhile since ive posted so here is an update-

right now the W and are on a split week schedule with the kids so im no longer seeing her everyother day which is somewhat helping me detach from her.
i have been doing pretty good at GAL, which basically consists of me taking up offers from people to hang out.
as far as the job hunt goes its kinda at a stand still, but my parents business in the past week/week and a half is starting to pick up so its providing me with some pretty good income. problem with that is my W has never liked me working for/with my father/parents because she says they spoiled me growing up and because my dad has some bad habbits. which really [censored] because if the business gets going i can make quite a bit of money. its kinda interesting because at one point in our marriage she was completly for me starting the business with my dad, but im sure she lost faith as month by month year by year it failed to take off and stay consistant.
last night i called to say goodnight to my S5 and some how i found myself wanting to talk to her and with that came me bringing up relationship talk(yes, i know thats a no no) she said that she wishes i would get it in my head that we are over and she doesnt know what to do to get it through my head. she then said that she thinks im trying to control the situation because i had thought this saturday night it was her night to have the boys, so she said she thinks im trying to control when she can go out by giving her the kids every weekend which i told her next weekend its my saturday so she is free to do what she wants. she then stated that on the 20th she is going out for a friends bday and asked if i could take the kids and before i could reply she said that she could just find a babysitter. i told her that im not trying to control anything, but i dont like you going out because i feel like with the state of mind your in if i guy were to try and woo you, you would go for it, and if your looking to date then im not sure what is stopping your from filing for a D because i feel like if your wanting to date then kinda a sign your really over it. she then went on to say ok then do you want to go down and file? and of course i said NO, do you? and she said no. so i asked her what she wanted to do. and she said she wants to remain separated to make sure we arent being irrational.
so with ALL that being said im so darn confused! she says there is no shot at us reconciling but then says she just wants to remain separated and not divorce... im pretty lost. but im continuing to try and not contact her or worry what she is doing(tho i seem to always wondering where she is and who she is with and what she is doing) im continuing to take friends and fmaily up on there offers to do things. so im doing one step at a time.

i finish DB and tomorrow will be renting DR, not sure what that book is about but i guess ill find out. also i was wondering if i should read the 5 love languages? would it help in my sitch?

on a side note a couple sundays ago i met her at the mall to get the kids because she was there getting my son ice cream, when i got in there i walked with them a little and out of no where she asked if i wanted to get some appitizers at red robin, i said sure because i figured my kids would love it. while we were there we were having a normal family like dinner and i had cracked a joke and she started laughing then looked me straight in the eye and was like "i hate how i can be mad at you and hate you yet you can still make me laugh." when we were about to leave my S5 asked if she was coming home and she looked at me so i asked her "are you?" and she ended up coming home with me. we put the kids to bed early together then watched a movie cuddles and had sexy time and everything. when we went to bed we both slept in the same bed and i was cuddling her and she said with a tear in her eye ( she was facing away from me but i could tell she was tearin up)i wish you would change. and i told her im better then i used to be but no where i wanna be.
but then the next day its like it never happened. which again confused the hell outta me.

ok im done rambling. have a great day everyone!!!

with patients i will succeed!

[mastersolo]

also im not sure what to do for christmas, do i get her a gift or not? if so what do i get her... something nice or something suddle? i really wanna get her something nice like a nice necklace.

[mastersolo]

I'm noticing one thing that is really bugging me is everytime I see my W to switch the kids, since our separation she has been dressing way nicer. She used to be the type that would always do her hair and makeup before she went out and about but didn't really ALWAYS dress NICE. Now she is always dressing in nice clothes. And she seems to always be going out for drinks. She was never really like that but now I honestly think she drinks everyday. Two night ago she called at like 9 at night wanting to say goodnight to my S5 and was slurring her words pretty bad, I told her she couldn't talk to my son when she was in that shape.
Its pretty crazy how she is acting, she has always been really morally all there. Not a total drinker I mean she would have a beer or two after work but not get tipsy or drunk. I feel she is losing herself and doesn't care...

Just thought I would vent. Thanks