So here's my story Part 3

[afa75]

her weekends with OM involved her not having to tend to any of our adult responsibilities / real world stuff.
That's the kind of thing most women want, someone to treat them special. Don't tell me you can't figure out how to do it. When you get to that point plan a weekend away, post it here and we'll help you tweak it.

When my kids were little I longed to be taken to a nice hotel room where I didn't have to clean, I could sleep late, drink a glass of wine in the afternoon, nap, read, without interruption, to my heart's content and be on my time schedule!

If the compliments were just before the BD, that was too late. He was already lighting her up. You had no chance then but don't take that as a failure, just bad timing. You may get the opportunity again.

Honestly, W has felt depressed (more so) since our youngest was born, more than 2 years ago (she now acknowledges that). So perhaps many of my attempts were too late. I have not / will not give up on WOA; and I'd love to take her on a date / weekend getaway. She's not willing at this time.

Don't try to fix her (I asked how I can pull back / help her do for herself without being rude, but didn't get much of an answer) just be supportive and show that you're listening. Women talk about things that are bothering them and don't always want a fix. It's just how many of us work through things.

I did both. So you're saying, quit my "fixing" and just listen, right? I can do that. That was a part of the p/c we had shortly ago regarding work. Me listening and validating.

I appreciate the help you're offering Labug. Thank you so much. It's helping me put things back in perspective. Please keep at it. 8)

[labug]

She could have had PPD, and if so it's unfortunate that it wasn't picked up earlier. It's good that she made an appt with a therapist.

Did you read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? It's helpful with understanding how couples relate.

Mostly we want to be heard-with both ears and both eyes.

Practice active listening and I mean that, practice it with friends and co-workers so when you use it with W you won't feel like a dork.

Good luck, afa.

[afa75]

It could be PPD, it could be PTSD due to experiencing various types of abuse growing up, it could be MD. It could be all of them combined. Who knows. 8(

I've become fairly solution oriented, I need to pull back on offering the solutions and simply be the active listener you're describing.

I haven't read that book. I can easily add that to my library.
What are your thoughts on openly reading it in front of W? I've been hiding my DR / DB books. 8)

Hope all is well with you Labug
((( )))

[tori2012]

Andrew, I'm glad Labug was there for you. I was in NYC all day and just got back.

Sorry about this setback, but setbacks are part of the process. Remember this was an EA and those are the toughest to get through.

I agree with Labug's advice about sticking to your boundaries and about continuing your 180's. The IC might help but don't put all your hopes in it.

Women tend to be more romantic, e.g. I was also hoping for some Christmas magic last year--which didn't happen. Bring some small romantic gestures back into your repertoire. I know it must be so hard. I couldn't practice any of these things right after my H's affair bc I was so hurt and somehow felt he had to be the one trying to redeem himself...but it's not about being fair but doing whatever you can do to save your M (while keeping your sanity intact and respecting your values.) Not easy, but you've been doing it so well. So keep it up. I'm here for you!
(((((())))))

[labug]

afa, I wouldn't read any R book around your W. I fear that if she saw you reading a R book, everything you did would be "because you read it in a book" and even tho that's a good place to learn things, it seems to take on a manipulative connotation.'

Things are pretty good for me, keep at this, eventually you do have a lot more good days than bad days!

[afa75]

Tori and Labug,
I appreciate your thoughts, warm wishes, and advice.

As far as the book, that's what I thought, just wanted to double check.

As far as IC, I'm not putting all or much faith in it. W did set up an appt for this Friday. This IC has spent a fair amount of time just talking with her on the phone which seems nice. W likes the sound of her voice, "soothing." She's a bit fearful of, "what if she tells me to divorce you?" I responded in 2 ways, "one that's really not their job to tell you what to do, and what if she tells you to stay with me?" So we'll see what happens for her with that.

As far as "romance," I used to be a hopeless romantic. I let that die. I never followed through. I can do that. I'm just don't want to overdo anything. I feel as if I'm stuck in the crosshairs of LRT and near Piecing. Thoughts on that one?

Also, last night, I went to bed early last night / reading too. She welcomed a good night kiss. She came to bed later, we snuggled and it felt better than the night before. More natural.
This morning, she was friendly, and offered me a goodbye kiss.

I've realized I need to definitely reset my detachment, put some of my walls back up for me and keep on working the DB process.

[labug]

I have had great success with my IC but I had to kiss a couple of frogs first. Be neutral about it, because I think in many ways we get what we think we'll get.

Beginner's Mind, don't pre-judge.

Enjoy what you are having with your W today.

[afa75]

W is not a big fan of therapy due to a previous bad experience, so hopefully this one will not be a frog. Good to hear though that you did find a good one for you Labug.

"Beginner's mind" I get.
"Don't pre-judge" I'm a little confused. Mind explaining a little further (what exactly to not prejudge)? 8)

[afa75]

Or maybe don't prejudge everything?

[labug]

I was thinking specifically of the therapy, but not prejudging anything a good default status.

Kind of goes along with having no expectations.