It's funny but I honestly don't think I can talk with anyone outside these forums about my situation anymore because I just get frustrated. My friends think they have my best interests in mind by telling me to just leave, trying to tell me kids will eventually be fine with D, saying "let's go to Vegas", blah, blah blah. None of them really knows what it's like and can't understand why I would want to ever reconcile or make myself better because of what she's doing. They just don't get it. One of my best friends is even trying to set me up on a date (with a very attractive woman that's apparently interested in me) and doesn't understand how I'm not interested in any of that right now. Even my strong Christian friends (deacons and pastors) seem to preface every comment about marriage with something to the affect of 'protect yourself...' or tell me how W is really off God's path and God needs to bring her back. Of course I know those things and it gets frustrating so I've pretty much stopped talking with most people about sitch. The only place I really feel there is hope (for me or M) where people understand what it's like are these forums.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
It's funny but I honestly don't think I can talk with anyone outside these forums about my situation anymore because I just get frustrated. My friends think they have my best interests in mind by telling me to just leave, trying to tell me kids will eventually be fine with D, saying "let's go to Vegas", blah, blah blah. None of them really knows what it's like and can't understand why I would want to ever reconcile or make myself better because of what she's doing. They just don't get it. One of my best friends is even trying to set me up on a date (with a very attractive woman that's apparently interested in me) and doesn't understand how I'm not interested in any of that right now. Even my strong Christian friends (deacons and pastors) seem to preface every comment about marriage with something to the affect of 'protect yourself...' or tell me how W is really off God's path and God needs to bring her back. Of course I know those things and it gets frustrating so I've pretty much stopped talking with most people about sitch. The only place I really feel there is hope (for me or M) where people understand what it's like are these forums.
So many people don't understand the DB path. Friends don't want to see you hurting and in their mind, the easy path is the way to resolve your pain as quickly as possible.
I'd explain to them what you're trying to do and that you'd like their support. If they can't comply, you really are best to stop talking about your situation with them.
I've personally removed one person from any talks about my relationship. Her "advise" was always contrary to my plans and caused me to second guess myself. By no longer talking to her I remove some of those doubts.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
So many people don't understand the DB path. Friends don't want to see you hurting and in their mind, the easy path is the way to resolve your pain as quickly as possible.
I'd explain to them what you're trying to do and that you'd like their support. If they can't comply, you really are best to stop talking about your situation with them.
I've personally removed one person from any talks about my relationship. Her "advise" was always contrary to my plans and caused me to second guess myself. By no longer talking to her I remove some of those doubts.
^^^This.
I have two people I confided in. One is a woman at work who I knew I could trust to keep it to herself. Just being able to talk to someone helped me a bunch. But as time went on, it became apparent that her religious beliefs got in the way of her understanding how I could show compassion for a wife who “Just needs to start following Gods word”. I don’t believe hitting wife over the head with the bible will bring her back, so this friend has been removed from sitch talk.
The other is a long time male friend who truly “gets it”. He understands perfectly what I’m trying to do, and supports me %100. Even comes up with helpful advice. Every DB’er needs one of these friends.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
a wife who “Just needs to start following Gods word”. I don’t believe hitting wife over the head with the bible will bring her back
I'm finally realizing that A. W does need to start following God's word B. Not even God hits us over the head with it. C. I need to be patient and wait for her to hear His "still, small voice"
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
There's actually a part in DR where she addresses friends & family trying to help (someguy summed that up pretty well above). The sad truth is that our society views marriage as disposable. There's all kinds of information out there about how D impacts quality and length of life, children's social and economic status, success rates of 2nd marriages, etc etc, but it's inconvenient for most of us to consider.
Spartan, it sounds like things are going great in your sitch, congrats!! You're seeing some amazingly positive things happening, I wish I saw half as much in my own sitch!
So true about friends & family not being on board with DB'ing. I got so sick of it that I quit talking to my family for quite a while. Then they started saying things like "I'm so worried about you, are you OK?" which irked me even more. I told them that I'm just fine, but need some "away" time. I have one friend that understands what I'm doing and went through the WAW syndrome himself. His W walked 2 years ago. They never got D'd and now they're starting to reconcile. He's been a great support to me and totally "gets it". But even if you can't find a single local person that gets it, you've got us
Looking for opinions here because I'm torn on what to do.
W and I booked a Disney cruise with kids for mid Feb. Booked it 2 weeks before she filed which still boggles my mind but I digress. Airfare is paid for and the remaining balance is due on the cruise this Monday at midnight. 3 weeks ago when I was going through my anger phase W and I talked and no way either of us would go alone with kids and couldn't see going together but I was in a bad place then and we weren't thinking (or talking) clearly. Last 10 days or so we've been getting along really well but no talk about R. Good small talk, she's sending random texts, doing things together, and she's back in bed sleeping. Kids know about trip and keep bringing up how much fun it will be and we haven't said anything to them (remember they don't know anything yet). I usually just smile when they bring it up. Wife has balance due date on her calendar so I know she remembers money is due in a couple days.
So my dilemma, do I bring it up to her, let her bring it up, or just ignore it and continue to act 'as if' I've moved on and not thinking about trip. The money isn't a real concern and I could add vacation protection to get refund if needed. My hope is that we could be in piecing phase by then but we all know how these things go and I'm trying to keep expectations in check. Mind reading alert: I'm afraid if I bring it up she'll say cancel because I'm not sure she's too point of thinking about a future. Even if she was she might still stay cancel because she wouldn't want to act like it because she can be bullheaded and it might make her look 'weak'. I'd hate to cancel and get to Feb and not go if we continue to progress because that would hurt kids and I honestly think it would be fun for everyone. Right now I'm leaning towards paying it on Monday whether she brings it up or not and I won't mention it if she doesn't say anything. If DB works it would be nice surprise and if it doesn't it's just less money she gets later. Thoughts?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
A couple quick updates on sitch/ my progress. Last night wife looked stressed and I could tell something was up so I asked if everything was ok. She said bad day at work so I asked if she wanted to talk. She had bad day at work because she had to train a bunch of new people and her boss (who is actually a good friend of mine) was screwing her over on a shift later this week. She started off slowly and I think was surprised that I was really listening and sympathizing with her. She talked for 10 minutes about it and I never gave an opinion. It felt so strange but she seemed to enjoy it. Funny part is I understood why my buddy was doing what he was but I 100% took my wife's side. She sent me text this AM regarding her shift situation (it all worked out) and I replied back with more support for her. Complete 180 from my old behavior and not natural but hopefully becomes my normal behavior.
I also had extremely busy day yesterday with work and kids. Had to leave work early (@3) to run kids all over town and we didn't get home until after 9:30 which is past their bed times. Having 4 & 7 year old going that long would have old me at my wits end but I remembered my new 180's and I stayed calm and actually enjoyed most of it (not sure I'll ever be able to enjoy traffic). W saw us around 8:30 and even said she was surprised I was still in good mood and not complaining. Said she expected me to be handing kids to her. I owe that 180 to AS. Thanks!
With all that I still feel nervous because we haven't discussed us at all and it's hard not saying anything with D papers filed. Through this I've realized I need reassurance which I never really knew about myself. Before this I was very confident but now I'm questioning everything. We have our initial Friend of the Court appointment on 12/11 and we haven't discussed anything. Have no idea how that will go. This is so weird, feel like making progress but for all I know she's just going through motions to not fight and the needle hasn't moved at all. I guess I just need to trust the 180's and know in the end, no matter what happens, I'll be a better person.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
That's so funny. My wife would bring up going to Vegas or something small occasionally and we almost booked it a few times, but she'd get up the next morning and decide against it. Then, she decided that we should do something grand for my oldest son's senior year and the kids decide on a cruise. We have been discussing it on and off for a few months.
Fast forward to about a month ago and W tells me to book it. I say something like, I'd kinda like to know where we're going because I don't want to spend money on a trip if I need that money for an attorney. She responds with "wouldn't you still want to take a vacation with your children even if we were D?" I poked a little fun at her and said "yeah, I would, but my gf probably wouldn't allow it." She says "just bring her and we'll be fine." We both had a laugh, but a few days later, she pushes me again to book, so we did. I really do think it'll be a vacation of a lifetime for my kids, and if we end up D, then all the better that they got to experience it as a family. 11 days til sailing! (and about 6 weeks before our first court date :s)
So first off, I would not book/pay this without discussing with your W. That might make her feel trapped, or discounted. You might ask her if she'd like to book with the insurance so that either of you can cancel between now and then. This basically gives you the ability to "not make a decision right now." I'd lay it out as no expectations, time for the kids, etc etc. Then just see how the next few months go.
