Same Old Wagon Wheel Part 5

[someguy1233]

I guess I wouldn't verbalize it to her. Just play with your phone when she's near, allowing her to see the change.

[ThisDayForward]

I was going to just say something like "I really do not like the feeling I get when the kids ask me my PW in front of you, I no longer want to PW lock my phone because I have nothing to hide from you and I never have."

Then I will contact my mother and brother and counselor letting them know I can't text about marriage due to the change

[ThisDayForward]

SG thx for input. 25 or Mr. B. What do you think? Its how I truly feel and I don't like it.

Im not asknig her to do it. but I do not like the tension it creates

[MrBond]

I never did lock my phone or hide it because I had nothing to hide.

She knew the code to my phone and emails as well as my kids. She was a little secretive about her phone, but it didn't bother me. I also didnt care if she saw my browsing history. Why should I? I was reading up to become a better man which had nothing to do with her.

That's what you need to do. STOP thinking about what your W does or doesn't do and be comfortable with what YOU do.

[25yearsmlc]

just do it and don't say anything about that. Actions, not more more words.

Plus it's obvious, VERY obvious you actually want HER to do the same so don't bother telling her what you are doing. Just do it.

And learn to let go of the excessive obsessive fixation on her words or actions.

It's got to be driving HER nuts and you are also increasing the tension in the home more than you realize.

You act as if it's all her but you SOUND TO ME like someone who fixates and festers and spirals...

if it takes medication to help settle you down, TAKE IT.

and don't let a nurse practioner bad mouth your physician and say you're on "twice the dose" unless she's ready to accuse him of malpractice. When a doctor disagrees with another one, she'll say "well, I think we can try something less than, or new..." AnD does NOT say "the prior doctor gave you WAY TOO MUCH" unless she's an expert. IT's simply unprofessional.

OTOH
I can't tell if you doctor shop or just give up SO FAST On every single approach you take ,

that people want you to DO SOMETHING NEW

but in reality maybe you just need to keep doing something consistently...

I don't know...but you do need to change so you are a calming presence in your family's life, and not a source of upheaval and stress.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

SG thx for input. 25 or Mr. B. What do you think? Its how I truly feel and I don't like it.

Im not asknig her to do it. but I do not like the tension it creates

but we all KNOW you want her to do it. If WE KNOW IT, SHE KNOWS IT..

and I seriously doubt it causes your KIDS tension.. maybe not even your wife. I just think YOU are tense.

That's for you to work on.

It's your job to manage YOUR stress, esp the self inflicted kind.

[ThisDayForward]

Mr b thx but I am confused. You told me you and your wife were under lock and key that is why I asked you what you did to break down that barrier.

25 Qi gong is working quite nicely. Actually I don't want her to unlock her stuff it would be nice if she didn't hide it though.

25 she is txting other men. What do you suggest I do about that. Let it go or confront? Last time I confronted her and asked her to move out it went over like a fart in church.

I'm fixated on it because there are OM txting my W and believe it or not I handle it ok at home.

I want to open my phone because its just akward. I think a long term goal would for us to be open.

I know for a fact she still take OM who tried getting with her while we separated .

Not sure y she hides it. If innocent and she just doesn't want me to know but she really must think I'm a fool because its so blantantly obvious

25 thank you, mr b thank you

[MrBond]

I don't know what you mean by "lock and key". I never withheld my phone or emails from her. I was strong enough to not really care what she did. I was confident in myself and that what I was doing was right.

WTH are you asking 25 about confronting her? AGAIN! You said you won't confront, yet you complain that you should confront, but then you say if you do, things will get worse, etc. etc. round and round. And besides, you DID confront her.

Grow a pair.

It's obviously bothering you and you won't let go. So you might as well confront and deal with the aftermath. But stop being a p@ssy about it.

[ThisDayForward]

It's not about being a puxxy it's about will this push her further away. She complains I have control issues. If I confront her about texting a highschool guy friend will it come across as controlling, I ask 25 to get another viewpoint before I make a decision on what to do.

It's not so much the phone flipped over that bothers me . It's the fact she hiding texts from OM.

In this case she might be hiding txt because I already confronted her and tbh the txt could be innocent

I'm torn, not a puzzy. Xmas is 2 weeks away and I don't want to come across As a control freak but also don't think my W should be txting men friends or not

On the otherhand she asked to get separated again and does not want to be married so I'm torn . I guess I shoukd let it go

[25yearsmlc]

Mr b thx but I am confused. You told me you and your wife were under lock and key that is why I asked you what you did to break down that barrier.

25 Qi gong is working quite nicely.

if it were "working quite nicely" I don't things would bother you nearly as much as they seem to. By all means, don't quit.

But my guess is you need MORE tools for coping with your fixations and obsessions, on top of whatever Qi gong is...


Actually I don't want her to unlock her stuff it would be nice if she didn't hide it though.

You can ask her not to but that looks like you are more fixated on what SHE is doing that what you are doing, which is true. And it's something I think you will be more tempted to snoop around, based on your recent and repeated history.

25 she is txting other men. What do you suggest I do about that.

assuming you have proof (which is presently impossible to prove, right?) AND assuming there is something inherently wrong about it,

there is still nothing you can DO about that. You cannot force her to stop.

You can "order" her not to but she can ignore you and thereby make you feel more powerless and impotent and obsessive.

OR you can ask her to, and she can refuse, and that leads to what I just said. OR you can leave the room after telling her you think it's unhealthy or disrespectful to you.

I doubt that approach will be successful and we are SUPPOSED to engage in behavioral changes on OUR ends that will help the marriage.

None of what you propose is likely to be effective, in my opinion. Think about that.


Let it go or confront?

since your style of confrontation requires total surrender of the other party, instead of solutions, it's darn likely to worsen things



Last time I confronted her and asked her to move out it went over like a fart in church.

Didn't You just answer your question? Of course it went over poorly. First, You totally blew the confrontation, then you took NO responsibility for your lousy behavior towards her and the marriage

AND you issued an ultimatum THEN & THERE, which we DBers know is the opposite of our approach AND

your course of action is the path MOST LIKELY to lead her into the arms of OM.
SO now you want to know if you should repeat that?

Is that question really a thought out question?

I'm fixated on it because there are OM txting my W and believe it or not I handle it ok at home.


then keep doing that. OR tell her ONCE, (If you have not already) that the kids see it (IF they do) and that you think it's disrespectful.

ONLY SAY THIS if you can handle her saying, "So what?" And continuing to do it. Leave the area if she does. DO NOT react in anger

as that fuels her negative view of how little self control you have.


I want to open my phone because its just akward. I think a long term goal would for us to be open.


so start by being open and stay that way.

Later, If she joins you, I think the texts YOU THINK are from OMs, may slow a lot...maybe even stop



I know for a fact she still take OM who tried getting with her while we separated .

"know for a fact"...HOW? And what does "still take OM" mean? Take his calls?

So this means More snooping? How's that snooping approach working for you?

You finding yourself a lot happier or your marriage a lot healthier now with all that snooping?

FOR THE RECORD when you said "another site suggested you test for the underwear"

I think you went to some place like "Cheater's Caught"...b/c its NOT pro marriage...so I want to call "B-S" on that claim...


Not sure y she hides it. If innocent and she just doesn't want me to know but she really must think I'm a fool because its so blantantly obvious

25 thank you, mr b thank you

in your next post, talk about what YOU are doing to become a better h.

Do NOT post about what you think she is doing or what you "know for a fact" ABOUT HER'!
Nothing about her at all.

Just post what you are doing for you to become a man only a fool would leave.