She'll notice in time. Just don't make a big deal out of it.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
STOP! doing things as a ploy or to get her to react, or whatever.
If you dont' want to lock your phone, then don't. If you want to lock your phone, then do it. Just stop doing things to see if your W will or will not react.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
STOP! doing things as a ploy or to get her to react, or whatever.
If you dont' want to lock your phone, then don't. If you want to lock your phone, then do it. Just stop doing things to see if your W will or will not react.
GET THIS^^^^....
you claimed earlier that you didn't like "the tension it caused" referring to the locked passwords. The fact is YOU don't like that she uses a password.
If it's really truly about lessening the tension then STOP making such a big deal out of a small gesture.
You want to point it out? Don't!
It negates the effect it might have had if it were a sincere gesture on your part.
By making such a production about it (to see if she does something or reacts ---thereby making it clear the ONLY REASON you care to do it has nothing to do with so called tension)
& everything to do with your need to get a reaction from her.
Stop the co dependence. It's weird, and for you to pretend to feel more secure but still obsess about something like this, THIS MUCH, means you're kidding yourself. Luckly, where the head goes, the heart will follow IF you let it.
Think straight about this and then let that smart healthy thinking, sink in.
Do something b/c it's the right thing to do and don't expect or hope for applause.
Just take the password OFF of yours and drop the issue. When she finds out, which she will SOMETIME, it'll be better when she realizes it's been months or weeks since...
I just think your real goal here is to manipulate her into opening hers and that's all about your obession and fear of OM and desire to control her.
It sure feeds into her negative views of you.
Stop the act. If you want openess, then be open. Don't point it out. That makes it a tactic and NOT an actual genuine change in you.
Til you see that^^, you'll be paddling upstream a long time...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do want to be open and to be HONEST with myself and you the reason I locked my phone is because of my own anxiety and my own insecurity. I wasn't venting about my marriage problems a lot back then to my mother and brother and she would find my txt and it would upset her and set us back. I feel I am in a better position today not to discuss my marriage problems with anyone and if I do it would be via the phone or in person. So my phone is unlocked and no tactics. If she finds out she finds out. I've come to realize we have a long path for trust and it mine as well start with me.
***Help requested***
I NEED HELP with this 180 I'm trying to perform. This may seem like COMMON SENSE to you but it's not to me and sometimes "in the moment" I don't know what to say or do that may seem like same old behavior to her. Let me take my time and explain in detail here.
A little about my W. She is very INDEPENDENT. She has a HIGH tolerance for pain (2 natural births no meds. not even advil). She does not and will not take medicine unless she is DYING and even then she might choose death. My W's vitamin D level right now is lethaly low. It was at 11 it should be in mid 30's. I'm guessing vitamin B's off too. Also as everyone knows I feel my W is very hormonal especially the 2nd 1/2 of cycle from when she ovulates to the end. For 2 years she has asked for a D almost every 2 weeks on the dot of the calendar. 99% of our arguments have been here and even the night she called the police on me was during this time. Just so you don't think I'm a freak making things up. It's a reality, which I know is out of my control. I either live with it or I move on. I love my kids and family so much I'm trying to learn to live with it and stick around.
A year ago when we got separated she was sick. She was having panic attacks, anxiety, depression, loss of weight, lots of ruptured cysts during ovulation, drooping left eye, you name she had it. I feel she had a breakdown due to being a full time stay at home mom, no outlets to release stress, and our BAD marriage. Yes me. I contributed to her problems. Of course she blamed it 100% on me at the time.
Here is where I struggle. Keeping my NOSE out of her medical or illness problems. Lately she has had terrible back pain. Dr. did ultrasound, xray, and everything came back clean. No ruptured cysts. (lots of times ruptured cysts leave fluid causing back or abdomin pain looking like a pulled muscle) Her Dr. say you pulled a muscle. It's been two weeks and she still has pain in her kidney area. This pain really flares up when she ovulates and or PMS week. I know ALL of this from listening to her and just being aware.
I know she wont' come to me with her pain issues in FEAR of me trying to analyze her, fix her etc. Problem is I really care for her and HATE that she is pain. I have opinion on what is causing her back pain. I believe if she fixed her Vit D/B deficiencies she would be much better off. But as stated above my W will NOT take a thing to help herself. To DATE I have NOT given her my opinion (this is part of my 180). And for someone who has major control issues I applaud myself lol.
Every once in awhile she will open up to me about her pain. Sometimes I don't have the right words to say to her. For example last night she opened up to me about it (only after I told her I had a migraine headache and ignore me being quiet its only because my head was pounding) She said man I had a migraine too today "I also don't think this is a pulled muscle, the pain just came back. I think it's more like a kidney stone and now the pain is in my ovary area.
My response "Yeah I didn't think it was a pulled muscle when you said the pain was in your kidneys. I have no clue what it is but it must be frustrating". I thought that was a good response.
I know this out of my control but it is frustrating she doesn't relate ovary pain to her ovulating and her migraines. She always has some exuse. I ate this or I did yoga, or the temp change etc. Anyways just a vent out of my control I know.
So here is where I struggle. I want to be sympathetic. I want to give her empathy but I just don't want to ask her everyday "how are you feeling" I'm trying to get a balance without looking like I plainly don't care.
This morning I called the house right before work to check on my son (possible strep) and I did check in on her.
Here is how it went.
Me: Good morning
Her: what (this is a whole other issue. very disrespectful to me and the kids were in the room when she said that to me over the phone. I didn't say anything)
Me; Just checking on the fort. Did you keep S home
Her; yes, no fever but he has a cold
Me; how about you, how are you feeling
Her; same
Me; ugh that really stinks, let me know if there is anything I can do for you (mr. B suggestion). I will get out of work a little early like I always do on friday's
her; ok I will
me; have a good day
her; you too
I thought I handled this well but... I had time to think about what I was going to say. I had time to make sure I didn't offer a fix or opinion. Sometimes in the moment I slip or freeze like a deer in headlights.
I almost feel my W will have to be rushed to ER on her death bed before she addresses her medical issues (hormones, vit d etc..)
Is that the attitude I need to take. let her figure it out on her own and just offer my support.
"sorry your in pain, anything I can do" etc..
I know this sounds like such common sense but this is a HUGE 180 for me.
I just remember last year when I use to ask her "how you feeling" I would get same as yesterday you don't need to ask. This of course was anxiety issues at the time. Not kidney pain..
This time around I am much more aware of my TONGUE and what doesn't work.
I do know she won't tell me anything about her dr appointments, pain, or anything due to my behavior last year. So when she does OPEN up to me I don't want to blow these opportunities. I want to be sympathetic and not mr. fix it.
sorry for the long Jane Eyre post but this is a real opportunity for me to change my behavior.
You're not a doctor, and she's seeing doctors, so I would suggest you keep your theories to yourself.
How are you, and sorry to hear that, are about all I would expect that you could say without being annoying, controlling, fixing or pursuing. You've got to stay farther back to give her room if she's ever going to come forward to you.
Even let me know if I can do anything is annoying if you say it too many times. It goes without saying. She will let you know if she wants you to do anything.
Hang in there.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Drew my posts ask how I can react differently to what she does. Yes I know I have control issues. Actually every human being on this earth has control issues.
Actually I think I'm doing ok controlling my anger and anxiety given some of the circumstances. She will go out til 130 am with no rings on and I will not even ask her a thing about her whereabouts.
Most of posts are how can I react different OR not let the things she does bother me.
For example as you all know her flipping her phone over and hiding txt from OM bothers me. I'm not asking how I can change this. I know I can't stop it. I'm asking how to handle it without pushing her further away.
Listen I'm not sending her underwear to a lab or hiding a GPS tracker on her car. I'm not telling her not to go out or chaining her to the bed.
I do have some control issues and I feel everyday I'm slowly getting better at it.
