heeeeelllllppp!!

[Many worries]

I do read the post, but I am still learning what it's all about. I mean were you perfect when you started the process..did you 25 and Mr. Bond make no mistakes have no slip ups, have no backsliding.
If you did great for you, but I am clearly not as strong as you. I just want my family back.

When I say something and she looks hurt and confused I feel the need to say something else to try to help the situation. But it reminds of people who are in a hole in the ground and they think the only option is to dig more. I know I need to STFU.

I'm not trying to make things worse. I'm starting to share the responsibility with the house and kids more. She still gets on me for not doing the laundry right or not moping the floors right. but at least I'm trying.

Comparing it to rape is absurd. I recognized my mistake on this. If my wife would have said no at any time I would have stopped. I think you are projecting some of your own issues onto my situation and frankly it is insulting. They way I understand even MWD is not settled on the issue of sex during a separation.

I did not initiate the sex. I simply wanted offered her some non sexual touch i.e. a foot rub. Her Love Lanuages, seems to be physical touch so I wanted to give something to her. Yes the sex was too soon and clearly. But I did learn that and can apply it to the next situation that arises.

The mind reading is so hard to control, but I HAVE To do it. I think when my mind wanders or wants to try to mind read I will redirect my mind to some comedy routines that I enjoy .

Last night my wife had her work holiday party. it was the first one without me. I spend some quality time with the kids. We had pizza and then watched a movie. After bed time I watched a couple of movies that made me think. Crazy, stupid, love and the Descendants. Yeah both hit a little too close to home for me. I shed a couple of tears during the shows.

Then my wife comes home I pretend everything this wonder and happy. she asked about my night and I asked about the party and then she goes off to bed. She looked beautiful when she came home, but I didn't say anything.

[MrBond]

Oh we had slip ups. Just maybe not as obvious as the ones you're doing.

"If my wife would have said no at any time I would have stopped."
"I did not initiate the sex."

Contradicting yourself AGAIN. You wanted sex and you got it. You're going to say that it escalated to that, etc. But the bottom line is that you initiated the foot rub (yes she said okay, but for all we know it was to make YOU happy) which somewhere inside you, thought would lead to sex. I have a feeling that whenever you would "initiate" these gestures in the past, it would turn to sex which she said she didn't want from you. That's why it felt like goodbye sex. She was just giving you what YOU want.

"Her Love Lanuages, seems to be physical touch"

You're way off base there. That seems to be YOUR love language. It's obvious from how you've described her that her LL are actually Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and "QUALITY" Time (Quality meaning NOT SEX).

[Many worries]

"If my wife would have said no at any time I would have stopped."
"I did not initiate the sex."

Actually that's not a contradiction. Look it up.

A contradiction is 'I did not initiate sex, but I told her I wanted to have sex" or something like that.

What I was talking about way 25's inappropriate "rape" comparison. when I was talking about the if she said no, I would have stopped. That was the ONLY way that was a part of the conversation for that limited purpose.

You were in the room? you know what my wife wanted? well, now that you know could you please tell me. It's funny you tell me not to mind read, yet you give advice from my wife based on ... mind reading. You say .. "(yes she said okay, but for all we know it was to make YOU happy)" you have no way of knowing this Mr. Bond. None. You don't know her love language.

I would ask we bring the focus back to myself. no one focus on the good things I did.

So Mr. Bond...did you never make a mistake or backslide?

[Valeska19]

Many,
I haven't read your thread completely.. but I can see why you are upset by some of the advice you are getting.

These people are here to help YOU. Yes we ALL backslid, we ALL got 2x4s.. it is part of the process..

... but its not about comparing You to US. It's about looking at your actions and moving forward in a better way.

And sometimes that stings.

Rule of thumb for me is that if advice hurts - I need to look at why. 9 times out of 10 there is something there.

If 25's comparison of rape is ludcrous.. it would roll off your back easier.

Yet you are attacking back... because you feel attacked.

Stop that. Figure out why their words are hurting you and express your feelings in a calm way.

We are here to help you. We are here because not so long ago... we were in your shoes.
((( )))

[MrBond]

"If my wife would have said no at any time I would have stopped."
"I did not initiate the sex."

"A contradiction is 'I did not initiate sex, but I told her I wanted to have sex" or something like that."

Don't need to look it up. You said that you did not initiate sex, yet based on your post it was as if YOU were the one who proceeded. Yes she didn't stop you, BUT she also didn't tell you things were wrong in the M before. You're going to have to start picking up those signals.

"You were in the room? you know what my wife wanted? well, now that you know could you please tell me."

Actually it was pretty obvious. AGAIN, based on what you wrote. You need to really break down what you post because it seems fairly obvious to everyone here.

"It's funny you tell me not to mind read, yet you give advice from my wife based on ... mind reading. You say .. "(yes she said okay, but for all we know it was to make YOU happy)" you have no way of knowing this Mr. Bond. None."

Actually yes I do based on your prior posts. Hey it's up to you if you want to really listen or not.

"You don't know her love language."

AGAIN, it's fairly obvious based on her complaints about you and how she's been acting towards you. Let me put it this way. YOU SAY her love language is physical touch. Well you've been doing PLENTY of that and has she come back? No.

But you did something nice for her and complimented her and you say she noticed. Fairly obvious to me even though it may not be for you.

That's what we do on the board. We point out the things you might miss because you're too close to the situation. Go ahead and disagree all you want. It's not going to make your M any better.

"I would ask we bring the focus back to myself. no one focus on the good things I did."

Actually we do. You're the one who keeps shooting yourself in the foot.

"So Mr. Bond...did you never make a mistake or backslide?"

Of course I did. We all did. What you're NOT GETTING is that unlike many of our other spouses here, she has communicated to you VERY well what she wants, but you spend more of your time arguing against it. Everyone here seems to tell you that some of your actions are wrong....Your wife tells you your actions are wrong...and it seems like the only person who thinks you're right is YOU. Could it be that MAYBE you're wrong?

[MrBond]

And to be perfectly honest, I really believe that your M has a great chance of making it. It's obvious your W can see what changes you're making and because those changes seem "drastic" to what she had seen before, it might make her think twice.

Of course that's only if you stop arguing with everyone on here and actually concentrate on listening.

[Many worries]

That's simply not true, I am not ignoring advice and I point to several instances of me not ignoring the advice.

I know I"m not the smartest man here, but come on. Maybe I don't include every word. I might because it says.

I will DO BETTER

[Many worries]

Val, normally I agree with you, but something like that just can't be ignored. There are laws for slander for a reason.

[Many worries]

I want to make you proud of me even if my marriage doesn't make it.

Today, I went to the gym and joined a couch to 5K running program they have. The first workout was to walk 4 min, then 1 min of running on the treadmill for 20 minute.sIt was sooooooooo hard especially with all the weight. I'm down about 20lbs, but some of that is because I am depressed about the situation. I'm not a gloomy gus around the wife though.

[Valeska19]

Honey,
Don't make us proud... make yourself proud. This journey is about YOUR self discovery on how to the Best MAN you can be.

That's great about the running. I started running a year ago as an experiment to see how to let go of some of the anger I was feeling in my sitch. I was in mediation and my xw was throwing out some nasty venom. I didn't want to spew venom back.. but I was angry at her.

Anyway.. my first run... I only ran a block before I had to walk.... now I can run a half marathon without stopping at all.

.. oh and it worked too.. I still run to help release stress and anger.

But running is like life... you keep trying.. if you take a step back... that's okay.. just push yourself to take 2 steps forward.

It DOES get's easier in time.