Oh yes, absolutely! I've had a lot of joy and fulfillment outside of M, I don't need a W to have that. I was 31 when I got married, so I spent a lot of adult time as a single guy before I "settled down". Those were some great years. I had some great married years too, but my happiness doesn't require a W.
I was also a little older when I married as well, so I spent a lot of time on my own. I enjoyed it very much and was great on my own. I will be there again. I realize that we do not need anyone to have a fulfilling life. Personally I think that I want to open myself up again, let myself be completely vulnerable, and see what a real two way loving, trusting R feels like.
Not sure if this is related but over the last week or two since the whole dropping the rope thing has been on my mind, I have noticed a attitude shift towards me from my w. Could it be my perception, certainly, could she be noticing that my actions are becoming more genuine and less fake, maybe. Who really knows? What I am sure of is that I am on a good role of PMA.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
For me a new R either with my wife or someone else will require me to not put my value into that other person. My value is in me and a spouse is icing on the cake so to speak. True love is the absence of fear... Think about that. When we open our selves up for love their is always a chance to be hurt. However true love is the absence of fear. If WAS's and LBS's would truly embrace that concept we could possibly work out our issues. Nothing would stand in our way. Fear has governed my life for to long. Fear of loss etc...
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I think I have always lived in fear of my w leaving and look what happened. So I understand what you are saying about living in fear. I have really begun to see how releasing the fear can change my life. I enjoy rock climbing and since BD I have released a lot of the fear I had when I climb. I have made huge strides as far as the level of difficulty of the climbs I am able to do now that I am less afraid to fall.
I am trying to transfer that to all aspects of my life. It goes along with the realization that I can only control myself. I do look forward to a relationship absent of fear. One that is based in love.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Fear is a tough one to let go of, I'm still not sure how to get that demon out of me. I'll discuss this with counselor and of course input from you fine folks.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I really believe the first step is letting go of our spouses. After that we will be able to start focusing on everything else that is important, including our spouses. It is the whole counterintuitive approach that helps us regain ourselves and gives us the best chance at reconciliation. It sure seems like it is a round peg in a square hole though. As long as we can stay away from the anger and bitterness we have a chance.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Man, this whole letting go while standing for the most important part of my life, will hopefully be the hardest thing I ever have to go through.
I know I am getting there. And it does seem the the less I offer my w, the more she has been offering me. Nothing major, just sharing more than kid stuff. So I will learn from past mistakes and keep doing what seems to work.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
So I am starting to see a pattern in my sitch. Seems like lately I go a couple of weeks feeling really good and then, WHAM, the roller coaster takes a plunge. Not sure what triggers it normally. This time though I feel it is because the interactions lately have been very warm between us. Makes me want to reach out with a "I miss you" or "Thinking of you." Maybe see if she wants to get a cup of coffee. But since I don't think I could do it without any expectations I won't. And that is what gets me down.
We received a lot of snow over the past two days and when I dropped the kids off after church yesterday my w expressed how good she was feeling, the winter wonderland effect. We both have always enjoyed the winter. It was really nice to see her in good spirits.
I know we are not supposed to do any temperature checks, but I really want to know how see is feeling about me/us? Hard to get that thought out of my head. Detach, detach, detach!!!
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
then, WHAM, the roller coaster takes a plunge. Not sure what triggers it normally. This time though I feel it is because the interactions lately have been very warm between us. Makes me want to reach out with a "I miss you" or "Thinking of you."
It sounds to me like the roller coaster dip is due to your own expectations that things might be getting better but then you realize you're really in the same old holding pattern. I went through a lot of that myself. That's why detaching is so critical, because you have to release those expectations completely before you can move on.
Quote:
I know we are not supposed to do any temperature checks, but I really want to know how see is feeling about me/us?
Everyone says not to, but after 5-1/2 months I decided I wanted to know. The answer was about what you'd expect- "I'm still confused, I don't know what I want, I need more time and space." I'm not sure I agree with everyone else that we should NEVER do a temperature check, but don't expect any revelations.
then, WHAM, the roller coaster takes a plunge. Not sure what triggers it normally. This time though I feel it is because the interactions lately have been very warm between us. Makes me want to reach out with a "I miss you" or "Thinking of you."
It sounds to me like the roller coaster dip is due to your own expectations that things might be getting better but then you realize you're really in the same old holding pattern. I went through a lot of that myself. That's why detaching is so critical, because you have to release those expectations completely before you can move on.
The limbo, the not knowing, is what causes these highs and lows. It is completly normal.
Detatching will help with this. It helps us to take steps FORWARD not ON.
There really is a difference.
Moving forward, is simply living life to it's fullest.
Moving ON, is exactly what it implies, moving on, to a new life, a new relationship, being DONE with the marriage.
Eyes, I don't get the impression that you are ready or want to move on yet.
You can live though. Happily. Enjoy what is before you daily and look forward to the future and the wonderful things that are there.
Originally Posted By: eyes
I know we are not supposed to do any temperature checks, but I really want to know how see is feeling about me/us?
Temperature checks, when you are not ready to hear that they still haven't changed their position, do nothing but hurt you.
And they are viewed as pursuing behaviors.
Part of DB is protecting our emotions. So that we can heal and make decisions that come from a good and peaceful place within us. Instead of from dispair, frustration, or anger.
THAT is another reason that detatchment is so important.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
