heeeeelllllppp!!

[Many worries]

When does she take responsibility? I don't get that my actions made her have an affair and that's okay.

But her actions, one could say, push me to having an emotional affair, but none of it is her fault and I have to "take responsibility" for that? While she suffers no consequences? takes no responsibility.

I think DB lets the cheating spouse off the hook.

[someguy1233]

When does she take responsibility? I don't get that my actions made her have an affair and that's okay.

But her actions, one could say, push me to having an emotional affair, but none of it is her fault and I have to "take responsibility" for that? While she suffers no consequences? takes no responsibility.

I think DB lets the cheating spouse off the hook.

She takes responsibility on her own. You are in no position to place blame or make her be responsible. How would that look?

You: You cheated! You're horrible! blah blah blah
Her: Ok. Bye.

Making her feel responsible gets you nowhere but out the door.

You can only change you.

[Denver_2010]

I don’t subscribe to the idea of letting the spouse do as they please while I sit around working on myself theory. You are still a person regardless of pass transgression. You are worthy of respect and honesty and while she might want to be with you at the moment she should still treat you as she would any decent person. There are boundaries you must have and everyone picks their own. I had mine that were firm you must decide what they are for you. Be advised though that constant fluctuating boundaries are more damaging than they are helpful so if you lay one down make sure it is something you can live with, if not don’t bother (isn’t that right Denver?)

Well you have plenty of reading material. Best of luck! Remember…..you win or you learn but in life you never lose!

I always said that 2stepboogie should have picked "Fyodor Dostoyevsky" as his moniker. LOL... But yes, he is correct. And giving you great advice... as are all of the others. Advice is useless though unless you learn from it and try to follow at least some of it.

Nice to see you hear 2step. You have a lot of good advice for people here. Hope to see you more.

BITS

[MrBond]

"I think DB lets the cheating spouse off the hook."

That's where you're wrong. What you're NOT GETTING is that you can't "force" someone to feel or do something they don't want.

In her mind, she felt justified to cheat because you did so first. And based on your relationship with your W, that's what everything is. It's a competition. You hurt me so I hurt you back.

"When does she take responsibility? I don't get that my actions made her have an affair and that's okay."

No one said it's 'okay'. But you have to start realizing that your actions were much more worse than you imagined. Just because you said 'sorry' doesn't mean that she forgives you.

"While she suffers no consequences? takes no responsibility."

You didn't 'suffer' any consequences for your A. In fact, you didn't come out and confess your A. You only did it because she found a poem you wrote. So you weren't being honest and took no responsibility. You showed regret and not remorse. The regret was that you were caught.

[25yearsmlc]

step one

lose the scorecard...it only hurts the marriage and keeps you measuring. You are now declaring your intention to continue measuring. In your mind, you will come out ahead as "the real victim"...

But I think on HER scorecard, you're far behind her. So you'd do well to model letting go of it

so that some day, she might do so as well.

2) Yes you must take the first step towards saving the marriage and being a better man, and the 2nd step, and 3rd and 4th...

mainly b/c SHE IS NOT HERE TRYING TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE...&

YOU ARE...or so I thought.

If you want to be declared "right" instead of saving your marriage, you're on the wrong site.

Go to a site for "victims of cheaters" and leave out the part about your first affair...

OR work on YOURSELF and leave her to her own work.

[MrBond]

So any update?

[Many worries]

just keeping my head down and out of the way round the house.

I'm continuing with the coach to 5K program. For a big fat beast like me, it's hard.
I started to read a book the the kids every other night, I read the older one a chapter from a book and the younger one a different book. So far the wife hasn't said anything about it either she hasn't noticed or doesn't care.

I got a hold of the 5 love languages book. I made it through, but I'm having a heck of a time figuring out my wife's language. I think mine is easy to identify. Should I ask her to take the quiz or read the book? It will help and it would be 10X easier than trying to guess at her language.

The book also says that I should ask my wife to do things to help fill my love tank, but it seems with things up the air, this probably isn't the time. Speaking of which I've stopped mentioning sex around my wife, but it is sooooooo tough. I was not meant to be a monk, if you get my drift.

[someguy1233]

just keeping my head down and out of the way round the house.

I'm continuing with the coach to 5K program. For a big fat beast like me, it's hard.
I started to read a book the the kids every other night, I read the older one a chapter from a book and the younger one a different book. So far the wife hasn't said anything about it either she hasn't noticed or doesn't care.

Do this for you and your relationship with your kids. She notices. Even if she doesn't, it's good for you.

I got a hold of the 5 love languages book. I made it through, but I'm having a heck of a time figuring out my wife's language. I think mine is easy to identify. Should I ask her to take the quiz or read the book? It will help and it would be 10X easier than trying to guess at her language.

Think back over your relationship when things were good. Think back to when you were dating. What did she enjoy? What did you do/act that she liked? This can offer clues to her LL.

The book also says that I should ask my wife to do things to help fill my love tank, but it seems with things up the air, this probably isn't the time. Speaking of which I've stopped mentioning sex around my wife, but it is sooooooo tough. I was not meant to be a monk, if you get my drift.

A WAS has little concern for your love-tank. Now isn't the time to ask her to fill yours.

[MrBond]

"I'm continuing with the coach to 5K program. For a big fat beast like me, it's hard."

Good for you.

"So far the wife hasn't said anything about it either she hasn't noticed or doesn't care. frown"

Why does she need to notice? Are you doing it for the kids or for your W? Stop doing things just for the sake of trying to get your W back. In the end you kids will remember their dad reading them stories. Period.

In fact, she's probably expecting you to drop this new reading habit with the kids because she sees it as fake.

"I got a hold of the 5 love languages book. I made it through, but I'm having a heck of a time figuring out my wife's language."

Didn't I say what it was in a previous post? I guess you weren't listening.

"I think mine is easy to identify. Should I ask her to take the quiz or read the book?"

NO!

"It will help and it would be 10X easier than trying to guess at her language."

Re-read what I posted to you. THAT is her LL. And don't debate with me that it isn't. You're obviously not seeing the big picture right now.

"The book also says that I should ask my wife to do things to help fill my love tank,"

That's only if you're in a GOOD MARRIAGE and she wants to do things for you. You're obviously not at that point so don't even think of her having to fill your tank.

"Speaking of which I've stopped mentioning sex around my wife, but it is sooooooo tough. I was not meant to be a monk, if you get my drift."

Yes we do get your 'drift'. So did your W. That's why you're in the mess you're in right now.

Just keep up the positive changes and give her space.

[25yearsmlc]

MW
some of what I say will be similar to other's comments. Still, I think it can help to hear it in a slightly different way so you really take it in.

just keeping my head down and out of the way round the house.

I'm continuing with the coach to 5K program. For a big fat beast like me, it's hard.


Most people do not find it easy...so you are not alone. And good for you sticking with this.

When I was in the Army, after our 2nd child, I suddenly realized I could no longer pass the Physical test just relying on the fact that 'once upon a time" I had been athletic. I was not able to rely on my "residual athletic" ability. I had to have my Sergeant help me out and get me in shape FAST...

And he did. I did not "enjoy" probably the first dozen workouts/jogs...which began as partial fast walks, and slow jogs. But I had to do it to pass or my career would end.

I can honestly say, quite unexpectedly, that after maybe 3+ weeks, maybe a dozen workouts, I began to rather like my exercise time, and for sure I liked how I felt AFTER...and it did get easier.

A dozen hard work outs...and my life changed. That is not such a big endeavor but it had a huge pay off to me emotionally, physically and in some ways, maritally. I kept it up, and that was new for me.

Sure, playing team sports was always fun. But pure exercise, to "get in shape" had seemed like a chore to me. But I concede I learned to like it. And it got easier.

Anyhow, after those first 3-4 weeks, I took my PT test and passed it. AND I found that I had lost 10lbs. Eventually I lost all the weight I ever wanted to lose (down 4 sizes) and I kept it off. 80% of it was exercise, and 20% of it was watching what I ate, but when I worked out or ran 4 miles, I pretty much ate what I wanted, and I could.

It was the best shape I was ever in, probably the best I ever looked, and it happened all after the age of 30, & I had given birth twice.

Give yourself the goal of doing a dozen HARD workouts...and see how you feel in 3-5 weeks. Not easy tedious walks, but "work outs" that get your heart going fast. You'll get over that "hump" and begin to like it enough.

I started to read a book the the kids every other night, I read the older one a chapter from a book and the younger one a different book. So far the wife hasn't said anything about it either she hasn't noticed or doesn't care.


you're really missing the POINT of being a good father if it's all about getting praise from your wife for it.

I do acts of love for my children on a daily basis. Truly, it never occurred to me that HE has to notice me or my effort, for it to be worth it.

Look at that sentence of yours again, and then look inside and make sure your heart is in the right place. You love your kids, right? So show THEM, not her...

plus she may be telling herself "Oh NOW he's into the kids...finally"... and that's okay b/c a lot of WAS say that to justify wanting out. But they notice the change and they begin to wonder if maybe they are NOT so justified...

you [b]are likely planting seeds of doubt she won't admit to having, or even noticing...

but again, don't do it for HER...be a good father b/c you ought to be. [/b]..

I got a hold of the 5 love languages book. I made it through, but I'm having a heck of a time figuring out my wife's language.

really? You "made it through" it? It was not a boring or complex book to me. SO THINK HARD NOW...

You have been married a long enough time and this should NOT stump you.

How does SHE EXPRESS love to you, when she did/does? Does she buy great gifts that are PERFECT and well thought out (she's a gift giver)

or does she make something or paint a room (act of service)? Whatever it is, that's how she GIVES love...

so HOW does she wants to GET / RECEIVE it?,

First look at the past. 5 LOVE LANGUAGE SIGNS

Did she ever go nuts over a gift you bought her? (if so, she may love getting gifts)

OR has she seem really touched by an event/date you planned? (=Quality time)

Did she brag or happily tell others about some experience or thing you two DID TOGETHER? (=quality time)

Did she repeat to others, or profusely thank you for something YOU Did or made for her, or fixed? (=acts of service)

Does she love holding hands or being hugged (physical touch)

Does she beam with pride when you openly compliment her or tell others about how wonderful she is, in front of her? (=words of affirmation).

She may have more than one love language, giving OR getting it. Most of us do. And my love language expressed, (how I GIVE love) is not the same as the language I enjoy receiving love in...

my h values physical touch, so I often hug him, 'high five' him or kiss him even if there's no intimacy coming soon. He likes being touched. Back rubs are a big deal for him.

I value quality time. So I GIVE HIM touch to show him love, and he plans events or dates in which we spend time together....b/c I feel loved by that.

See? Not so complicated.



I think mine is easy to identify.

you mean sex...& What else? Seriously, every man loves sex but every man ALSO loves something else...dig deeper.

Would you really feel loved if you two had sex but fought all the time or she disrespected you in every other way or said mean things or ignored you?

DIG DEEPER.


Should I ask her to take the quiz or read the book? It will help and it would be 10X easier than trying to guess at her language.


1) no don't ask her. AND DON'T GUESS...

Spend some energy on HER and thinking about her b/c it's the loving thing to do.

Love is a verb; it takes work/action. Don't take the easy way out b/c trust me, taking the easy way out is OUT and the pay off is tiny.

2) stop saying you'll have to guess...if you truly have NO IDEA what her love language is, that says a lot about YOU as a h, and frankly it is a map for you to immediately jump on and work through. So figure it out

3) asking her also goes against DBing (again!!) b/c it's all about YOU showing her your "work" but really it's just you putting on a show.
She'll see through it.

Sweetie I don't think you realize how relationship wise, you sound really lazy.

are you SURE you love this woman? I'm being sincere.

Do you LOVE HER or do you just not want to be alone?

If she doesn't notice you reading to the kids, you pout. Seems like you want to quit.

If you have to "make it through" A SINGLE BOOK, you want her to know it AND you want her to answer questions meant for YOU to ponder...

Instead of you spending a single HOUR thinking about HER needs, you want to just ask her and stop "guessing"
AND you just HAVE to tell her....

so it makes me wonder if you want to do what it takes to stay married.

B/c my friend, it really does take WORK to stay married.


The book

you mean the 5 Love Languages book?

We suggested that book for so you couldt learn how to SHOW HER YOUR LOVE,

NOT for you to tell her what YOU need FROM her...

also says that I should ask my wife to do things to help fill my love tank, but it seems with things up the air, this probably isn't the time. Speaking of which I've stopped mentioning sex around my wife, but it is sooooooo tough. I was not meant to be a monk, if you get my drift.

yes we get your drift. You are not subtle. See above comment...