What I'm learning from H stages, disappointment.

[albamarie]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311707&page=1

I have moved my thread form NewComers, sadly because I have been at this for quite some time. It's been 1.5 yrs since we have felt the realness of it all, but as people say he's been "checking out" way before that.

They say that our MLCer's are changed people...well I can say that I have gone through my own changes as well. I can't say they have all been for the good, but I'm not finished I guess, this molehill keeps turning into a mountain.

I have learned some good things about myself along the way, and now am looking for the strength to put some things into action.

I can't help but feel that even though H is not causing trouble at home, his presence does thicken the air. These days we're barley speak and he says it's because his anger has consumed him, swallowed him whole.

What makes me mad about that statement is that he has been oblivious to my detaching. I have made some big changes in how I interact with him. All he sees is that I "want" my H, almost rebellious like saying he's gone, locked up so far down, and he's never coming back!

The hatred he has for himself is so strong that he gives "that guy I married" a whole different identity. He has forbidden his brothers and mom from coming to our house, I think because they represent "my'' H.

When he leaves for work the air thins, I feel lighter, free. I have much more detaching to do I'm sure, the difference is now I actually want to, I want to get far away from him for me.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Dawn,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

Having our alien H still at home is tough. It's hard to detach when their craziness is in your face on a daily basis.

My H has also shown the self hatred, a lot of it. He definitely knows something is wrong, just can't seem to figure it out.

I see him telling you how angry he is as a good thing, an attempt at communication.

My favorite new mantra... I am so glad I'm not him!!!

Keep taking those baby steps on your own journey

[nero]

hey hi- glad you're out there and "okay".

Sad - your h's anger at self and seeing himself as someone other than "your h". i don't even know what to think about it. i am with takesvows that at least he's communicating.

At least he acknowledges a different "guy" - more than my h can see or know about himself. i do not think my h even sees that he is trying to recreate the him of his college days.

do ya think it matter to them if you and i do not want this new guy? don't feel the same and never will for him.?? i think not.

i'm glad your air is lighter - you sound one tiny bit more committed to your course of extricating yourself. i hope it goes okay- the theory and the fact. it's hard & slow- aren't ya pretty sick of the plodding nature of this sitch? i sure am...

as usual here- i'm supposed to act like it's all not there. can this goober actually think i'm just going about my life "getting used to" what he says our life has to be? (well, assuming this is an "our life". he's out of his mind- but who knows, he never talks about it. i just have a few crazy giant pronouncements made in arguments to mull over in my mind- i know- let them flow out the other ear- he probably has no idea what he has ever said to me. usually things i carry in my craw for years - becasue they hurt- he has no idea he ever uttered.

he left yesterday- aside from sick - & one bit worried about my mother's sitch (tho sister taking over for moment so i'm lettting her and having a day off) i'm just angry mostly. he's called several times this morning- i haven't answered phone. i know if i pick up - i'll say something ratty like "if you want to know what's going on with me- you should "be in my life" & be here. you want "less of me in your life" - you got it - your choice- don't grill me and expect me to want to share my thoughts and life with you.

real diplomatic huh? so i haven't picked up. feel on too dangerous ground. think also he's probably wanting to chat and touch base and make sure (what?) i'm still here so he can tra la up to see ow this weekend. (just called for about 4th time- he never bothers that much - probably is off on a "trip". he can f'ing wonder what's going on here-

i don't know for sure- i don't want to (know) - but since he's made me suspicious, he gets the anger and suspicion whether he's guilty or not. oh well-oops... if i don't hear from him all weekend i'll know for sure- it never changes does it?

the being apart is a killer- BUT he's not particularly bad when he's around, just no "connect" or affection - but not bad company. (i hate knowing - always- that she's between us and the recipient of the affection & fun- a giant bug inmy craw) it sends mixed messages and is not good i think - at the end of the day. it confuses the hell out of me- sometimes i'd even rather some anger or ONE DARN THING real and honest instead of all this fake nice crap. what the heck is it anyway???

maybe you guys are rite and if he just stayed gone and away - and out of contact - i'd adjust and it would seep away to "over" for real. honestly wonder if that would please him or not-? who will ever know?

anyway- glad you're here- easier to find rite here in mlc- woo hoo huh?

It's been 1.5 yrs since we have felt the realness of it all, but as people say he's been "checking out" way before that.

been 1.5 yr for me (also) since found out awful TRUTH about h. HOW MANY years before that? i'm thinking since year my sister died (08) and he went & began ea - barf barf... soooo- do i feel like the biggest fool in the universe? maybe -. SOOOO - TO ME TODAY IT FEELS LIKE ABOUT 50 years or so - in heavy shoes, on hot soft sand - with no water & a bad hairdo & no hat! how bout you???

i don't know if my h has "seen" any change in me- he is obvlivious to anyone but himself and apparently ow.

The hatred he has for himself is so strong that he gives "that guy I married" a whole different identity. He has forbidden his brothers and mom from coming to our house, I think because they represent "my'' H.

back before finding out- i can remember my h not wanting me to be part of his relationsihps with his dad, family, etc.- people I HAD to go visit with- they expect it- we've all been "family" for 35 years. he's not so much like that now- i don't honestly think he consciously is aware of what a stinking rat he's been for how long. isn't that pitiful- he doesn't even have any self-reproach because he isn't even aware of causing me pain or not- it's all about him.

maybe i still make excuses for him- ignorance . maybe he knew full well every time he caused pain and said - ha, suck it up baby!! i'm getting jerky now- but at least i'm making myself laugh.

maybe your husband's anger at himself - part of which he keeps saying is that "you deserve better than him" is at least something - that he knows you're human, caring, deserving of better????

i'm outta here- bad attitude today- need to paint something pretty- going to go get creative and perk the heck up. i could be old and sick and my mom- so yay for relative good health- sanity- heat in my house- a sunny work room- a handfull of good friends, and so on -

see ya later- hope your day is good.

[seeking answers]

Hi DM,

Welcome to your new home and thread.

Your H is so classic - totally opposite of the man you married.

Keep working on detachment, it's hard when they don't live with you and I have heard it's so much harder when they do. Remember it's his journey and while he's 'away' you get to take your own, except you get to take yours with a clear head and conscience and do not have to fight the demons in the fog...

Stay on your course, you are doing well. You get the choice to stand or stand down. We'll support you with whatever you decide.

[GatorGirl]

DM,
He may not be oblivious to your detaching...he may just not be reacting to it. He's so into himself, his anger, his issues...him even acknowledging anything to do with you would draw the attention away from himself. Get what I mean?

I'm still pretty new to this but I can say for certain that detachment isn't for them. Detachment is for YOU. So YOU can go on, so YOU can grow, so YOU can find what you love (and don't love) about yourself. Take this time to learn about YOU and don't focus so much on him and how he relates to you. That is true detachment. It's hard because we are so used to paying attention to and caring for everyone else and because we want them back so badly. Once we accept that the relationship we used to have will never be had again, but that we can build a new one with our new and better selves and hopefully our healed and renewed spouses, our perspective of the world changes.

Can you find inner peace amongst the turmoil when he's at home? Can that thinner air be found even with him grumbling beside you? THAT is the miracle of detachment, my friend. The road is all uphill but so very worth it.

Peace,
GG

[flyingsolo2013]

I have been reading these forums on and off for about 2 years. My h told me in 5/08 that he no longer loved me like a wife (married 20 yrs at that point). I was devasted and did everything DB tells you not to do. Printed articles on MLC and depression and begged him to read, only made him more angry. He told me I deserved better and he felt like a failure. He waivered back and forth for three years saying some days he wanted marriage and other days he didn't. He moved into an apartment that is connected to our home in Jan 2011 and after a year of that into a separate home. I have found detaching difficult with both living with and without him. But overall detaching a bit easier not being in same house. Found out a year ago he was having am EA with my best friend. That betrayal helped in detaching, however, I really have to remind myself to stay detached because I often want to ask what they have been doing. I met my husband at age 16, married at 18 and am now 43 (two kids D15 & S13). So he has been all I have known. Like Gatorgirl I find detachment is for me, otherwise I sit and wonder what they are doing and how I miss "us" and what we had. I filed for divorce this past February and it should be final next month. I believe had I found DB sooner, my situation would be better, but I have to believe this was meant to happen. Huge growth experience and something I guess I needed to go through.

[albamarie]

Flyingsolo - Thank you for your post, I see it's your first one, I am so glad you shared your story. Sorry to hear about your sitch, though you seem to have a good sense of where your at.

I have gotten past the sitting around missing ''us'' phase realizing that maybe there has been a little of who H is today always there.

I still have to remind myself to stay detached or catch myself doing something ''normal'' like approaching the door as he leaves for my hug and kiss. After 24yrs it's all I know as well and change, though necessary, is not always easy.

Detaching is becoming less of a conscience act and more of a way of life here, it's a lonely thing to have to practice and makes me think of my future without H altogether. I do believe that's were we're headed though neither one of us is pushing for D.

I wish you the best and hope that you make a thread for us all to read and keep up with you. It's not over until it's over....your still in the game.

[albamarie]

Takevowsserious - Hello, thank you for your post!

My favorite new mantra... I am so glad I'm not him!!!

Yes, that is exactly what I say when I am walking away from H right as he's trying to spew anger toward something that won't go his way.

I feel so relieved at being free from allowing every little thing in life bring me to a breaking point.

The self hatred is the worst because it tells him he like's to be this way, he deserves to feel and go through this misery. That is the one thing that will always make me sad for him, the one reason I never criticized him even before MLC when he showed signs of self loth.

How do you kick a man who's wearing his own boot print on his @ss!

[albamarie]

Your H is so classic - totally opposite of the man you married.

Remember it's his journey and while he's 'away' you get to take your own, except you get to take yours with a clear head and conscience and do not have to fight the demons in the fog...

Hi Seeking- I know this now! I had to go through my own stages just to get past my fog of hurt and pain. But, after months of my own absence from life I am out and ready to make changes.

This man is not the man I married, nothing in his voice, face, eyes, or expression resemble my H as I know him. So sad when I say it out loud, and for the kids.

GatorGirl - '' He may not be oblivious to your detaching...he may just not be reacting to it. He's so into himself, his anger, his issues...him even acknowledging anything to do with you would draw the attention away from himself. Get what I mean?''

This makes lots of sense! He really is soo into himself...I called it narcissistic in my angry stage, but I think it's more self soothing and self exploration on his part.

He takes 6 to 8 hrs to allow himself to read his maps or study his science books. Without eating, he has sits searching for that fix that makes him feel momentarily ok, and calm.

Your right, I don't factor in his thoughts! He is on his journey right here at home in front of us, like watching him in a bubble, he is protecting himself, even from the family.

[job]

As seeking answers mentiond in her posting, your h is very classic and yes, he is definitely the mirror image of the man you love and are married to. MLC flips the coin and they become the opposite of the person you knew pre-crisis.

Yes, you are observing your h on his own little journey while he is at home. Detach as much as you can and try not to be baited into arguments or discussions concerning the relationship. Just remember...you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.

Unfortunately, his journey isn't one that you weren't invited on and yet, you have to have interaction w/him. His journey will take him to all levels from the age of a child to a teenager and then back to an adult. Hopefully he can navigate this journey and come out the other side a mature adult.

While he is circling earth, this is a time for you to learn new things or get out that to do list and start working on the projects that you have put aside for a long time. Keep the focus on you and your family. Allow God to work on your h.

P.S. I'm glad you decided to come over to the MLC Forum.