Dawn, I think if I were in your shoes, I would advise h of the situation and allow him to handle it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your h sounds like a little boy wanting mom (you) to take care of his problems. He's the one that created this mess and he really should be the one to face the music...but you can't protect him forever and to me, now is as good a time as any for him to face his parents.
What do you want to do? I know what I would do...but it's your call.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your right, he is a little boy, he is very immature, he even calls me mama, a loving enduring name of his heritage. I once asked if I should make him call me by name since MLC ,but I think the answer was that the name is more loving than literal.
I'm not going to protect him from his own little ole mom, and youngest brother. They are good faithful people and maybe, I'm hoping they are being led by some grace to pursue.
Btw - I did end up eventually telling him he doesn't get to call me anything but Dawn, he laughed and said none of this is against you, your just putting yourself in the way. That was the last time we really spoke, and I finally got it and started to detach.
He was saying "let me do what I want to do" even with something as simple as learning to work the drv.
Wish me luck....let the day begin! Thank you soo much for your post!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Dawn, You are doing exactly what I would have done.
Good luck today. You'll be just fine. Now, pack a snack for your little boy as he will threaten to run away and he'll need his nourishment while he finds a place to stay. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
well how was my day...very exhausting. There was a point were I wanted to leave my own home even though I wasn't even in the conversation.
My MIL and BIL came over and H did end up greeting them. His B started on him because of a comment H made about life blah blah, things got heated. I completely stayed out...man to man they had it under control.
H had mostly spewed the same sh!t, rambling and contradicting his feelings for the family and living here. After 4hrs they were calmly talking and H was revealing info about how ea is very hostile with him and abusive.
BIL said he needs to stay away from ea he's hurting the family...it's was an hour conversation of H denying that he's hurting us by doing his own thing. H said that he will choice freedom over family if it came down to it, BIL was furious w/H.
H revealed that ea/friends are trying to get him to do/sell drugs, and that he knows they use him, and he has given them money. H said he is not my H and will not come home to THIS life, and that BIL isn't even talking to his "brother" right now because "his brother" is locked up in a "cage".
Then spewing how much he hates "that weak, nice guy in the cage" and he will never let that chump of a man out. He said that's not a problem for us because he's still working and coming home.
BIL asked if this was going to be a fight when he leaves, H and I both said no, we don't talk to each other at all. I told BIL I was seeing a C for anxiety, H laughed saying it's funny because he's not worth my grief. He said he could move out...he could live with the drug dealers any time.
H also revealed that he was thinking of doing drugs in order to help/show these addicts how to come off drugs. OMG! Please tell me this is nonsense ramble.
H said he see's and does question what the hell he's doing at times, and he struggles with this. I'm no expert, but I think he needs to leave because he is dipping his toe in, and feeling the quickening of this life all while having the security of home.
He's a vampire at home, sucking out all his needs/energy, and going out at night and feeding his dark side. This can go on forever, he told BIL that he was fine. There is no reason for him to give up either-or when he's being satisfied.
I realized I had not looked H in the eyes when I jumped in the conversation, nor did I look at him at all, I saw him look at me when he spoke, but I continued to look elsewhere. I can't look at him...I am so sick of him, his voice, he's just so ugly to me.
This just help reenforce the importance of going on w/my life as if he's not-H, and taking the steps to protect myself and not be surprised God forbid, if anything happens.
I have to admit when not-H said he had H locked up deep down I felt like crying, I felt hate for this guy talking and sad.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
he has thrown it in my face, saying that he is getting away with everything.
He has even gone as far as saying maybe he should push it since nobody can stop him. My repose to that months ago was for him not to read my silence as weakness, he agreed out loud. He said at times he's scared of me.
oh man- this is a nagging little aspect of my sitch too. i've even said the exact same thing- (i don't feel so "weak" anymore- i do hate to think in terms of the finality (and i do tend to) ) i think, tho, the bottom line is that my h is, in fact "having it all". why he would even want to change anything - i cannot fathom.
if i'm honest- i don't think he will change a thing if i were to deliver an ultimatum- and i also think if he realized it was all his mistake- it would take a long long time- OR MORE REALISTICALLY- his powers of self preservation- delusion- control are such that he'd just make hmself believe he was happy anyway and tra la off into the sunset. i have no faith in his character or brain anymore i guess.
it's sickening to think- he thinks because he hasn't moved in with ow or see her allll the time (she's in a different town) it matters less - i believe he "chats" with her every day via cellphone & e-mails (and whowever else he's dug up to entertain himself with) . i find that particularly childish and for me, gross.
i am also creeped out to think alot of my "standing for" this all is my , what? laziness, fear- alot of uncomplimentary things about me.
the bit of ending up totally totally alone with no "back up" guy is what stops me totally. i'm assuming you too- at the end of the day, if you were in a car crash - your h would probbly come- "save" ya. in a loose sense- can't even define what it means or means to me- it's "someone there".
otherwise- nobody. i don't kid myself about my family & friends- it's a crap shoot- who you could count on. i'm not judging- they've all got their lives & families. i'm not their "problem".
did that make sense to you? i tolerate this reprehensible treatment - think ill of myself about that - and there you have it.
it's that, like you- the fact that for allllll these years we were our own "world" - I didn't have to need a darn other person- and i don't want to rely on anyone else- they are unknown factors. they might be great emotional support- but who is gonna fetch me a cup of water if i'm croaking on my stupid bed? (now that i say that- he's in fl most of the time- not here to fetch that water anyhow) (as usual - me wanting what i had )
are we ever going to have the intestinal fortitude to walk away calmly - short of being shoved out the door? (me anyway) - this morning I wonder.
tho, i admit- if i won a lottery and money was no concern at all- i just might (real forceful huh? "might" - GOD - grow some woman (me) this is quite sickening i guess to read.
today mwd - i'm not sure anymore that this "wait it out" is possible - and might not even work in the end.
ta da - waivering here- hope you're doing okay- i'm going to read on (and comment i'm sure)
Dawn, I am so sorry you had to witness the exchange, but at least you now know that the man you married is still somewhere within the shell of the man sitting in your home. You now know where his head is at and it's not at home w/you.
Take some time to figure out what you want to do. Don't do anything until you've calmed down and had a good "think tank" time.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H said he see's and does question what the hell he's doing at times, and he struggles with this. I'm no expert, but I think he needs to leave because he is dipping his toe in, and feeling the quickening of this life all while having the security of home.
I'm right there with you in this same situation. My H returns to the nest to recover and brood and blame me for anything and everything then heads back out to "his element".
Originally Posted By: dawnmarie
This can go on forever,
No, it can't and it won't. If we have learned nothing else we have learned that nothing is "forever", all situations evolve and change. It does however FEEL like forever when you're going through it.
Originally Posted By: dawnmarie
There is no reason for him to give up either-or when he's being satisfied.
Ditto again for me. I have twice asked my H to leave. He refused. So I'm getting myself ready to leave. But that's going to take quite some time due to financial concerns.
Keep breathing Dawn. This thing has ebbs and flows, it cycles through. Don't feel you have to make any decisions while in the heat of battle or the grip of pain or anger.
Do take care of yourself everyday.
Wishing you the best.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
you're rite - I know - it IS good to be alive, normal and sane (relatively anyway). i do get mired in the crap. on the whole- i'm happier to be alive than not most of the time - .
i look at my 88 year old mom- she's a mess- nice one minute a real snake the next- it stinks- it's her "journey" - old age - unfixable by me - just like my own life. i hate the thought that it's "unfixable" - but as you said- if it were "fixed" i'd know it. that is the sad but unmistakable truth.
(tho - i sure didn't "read" the signs correctly in life with this guy- been mistaken forever it would seem) duhhhhhh.....
silly me - i tought a kind act, a loving act - meant love.
that's the hardest part to swallow- the no power part. it's true tho, isn't it? we're sooooo accustomed to think we do have some power- but with other people - none.
i'm with you- i don't think this "hit bottom" stuff matters. i guess it's a matter of how the heck long we will "wait". my h- i don't think he'll do anything remarkable one way or the other. maybe ever. he's always had totally nutball ideas on relationships a& life (i always thought he was just jacking me around for fun) and i always didn't think they were harmful. oh cripes - only to me apparently. my mistake here- not looking out for number one more. oh well.....
i don't think he's suffering- i don't think he can even fathom what he's making me feel- he's only aware of what he feels - just his self-protection hard shell in life. he won't feel anything that makes him uncomfortable (well, and acknowledge it). that is that. i am a fool to even bother at this point- i suspect it's still just me unwilling to let go and swim for it. (i'm a lousy swimmer btw)
this rock bottom- my alcoholic sister hit bottom- "EVERYONE" SAID THEY have to - it was dying . oops - some rock bottom huh? talk about no second chances
with h - i think he's the pen-ultimate self-preservationist. maybe in life- one woman is much the same as another- and his brain cannot even appreciate the individual. i may kid myself that he ever saw what was different or special about me (and appreciated it). and if he did now- that i would change a darn thing.
i am able lately to do things i enjoy and even look forward to a project or garden - so i'm thinking it's a big step forward. (to what? don't know) - just glad to have some interest again-
my ultimate (giant decision to leave) is still on my back- i cannot see any other ending to this- but i'm not going there yet- (since i'm not rushing forward to anything "better" -
self-preservation on my part? don't know- thanks for input-
your w probably wants to "get to you" even still- maybe it's that man woman thing. i would love to really provoke a heartfelt response from this guy - one that i could SEE the result of- i would love to see him feel pain- just so i knew he was human - just because he inflicts so damn much. will i ever ? i don't think so. i don't think he has a normal "heart" in there - i'll die on the vine and leave out of frustration.
what i can't figure out is why he is perfectly pleasant now that I know (and kind of hate him) about his ea. he is not on the warpath - as he was. he thinks i was looking for a fight allll that time. he was absolutely awful- all the time. can he be so blind? why in the world would it produce niceness now? it's gross to be pleasant and cheat? what is up with that? i say cheat- get caught - leave - go have what it is you want soooooo bad you chucked it all for. the end...
is it a man thing? can you guys ever just show it- say it? or isn't it there? i wonder sometimes. i know it's pure evil to paint you all with the same brush-
i honestly want to believe there are decent and kindly guys out there - i've lost my way with this totally. Gay ray says "love finds you" - is he rite? we wonder-
hope your day is wonderful - you sure sound "over it all". i hope i come to that place sometime (sooner rather than later). i still find it hard to believe this jerk can chuck someone as , well, pleasant and satisfactory for a life companion- as me.
oh well huh???? still trying to stop dis- believing the apparent truth...
